Derek had a nightmare that night. He hadn't had one in years, since he was a kid, but lately it was hardly a time when he could close his eyes and find peace in slumber.
As per usual, he woke up panting and feeling the cold sweat pooling on his forehead. With eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, he could still see the dream being replayed, again and again, like a horrible movie that he hates but he just can't take his eyes off.
In his dream, he and she, standing face to face, a few steps apart. Then the land between them just cracked apart. Cracking, and he could see her getting farther and farther apart from him, while the crack that getting bigger and bigger, dragging each of them apart.
The worst part was not how they were getting dragged apart from each other, or the deep crevice between them. The worst part was, they said nothing, they did nothing. He just looked at her while she stared at him while the crack was getting larger and larger, making the space between them to be an infinite one. And none of them said a word, or did anything.
As if there was nothing that they could do about it. As if they were letting it happen, to be apart.
Derek groaned a little, rubbing his palm from his forehead to the top of his head, feeling the beads of cold sweat there.
"Der?" her voice, hazy from the sleep made Derek turned his head a little. Her eyelids were still half-closed. "What is it?"
Derek bit his lips when he shook his head. "Nothing. Just… A nightmare…"
He could hear her letting out a long weary sigh.
"Try to get some sleep, Derek. You and I got a long day tomorrow…" she said, and turned around.
All that Derek could see now was only her back. He lifted out his hand, tried to reach out for her. He meant to find some comfort, to have her soothing him, that it was just a nightmare, that he should not believe in any kind of nightmare, that nightmare was nothing but a dream that will not come true.
Then, he left his hand fall down again on the bed, just a mere inch from her back.
Derek said nothing. He could only see her back; he could only see the side of her figure moving up and down steadily as she breathes.
A nightmare is just a dream, right? A dream that would just disappear into the forgotten when the night is finally over.
He knew he should not believe in nightmares. He should not believe that nightmares will come true, but now, as his heart is aching, longing for a soothing touch from her, all that he could see was her back turned against him. Somehow, he felt her back was like a solid wall. A thick solid wall without a door that he could not hope to pass through. A thick high wall that he could not jump over.
Derek let out a sigh and turned to face the wall.
The wall is plain and looked so cold and lonely. He felt like the wall.
Plain. Cold. Lonely.
He forgets how they started to fall in love. He paid no mind about it. What bothered him right now is that he forgets how they started to fight and argue so often. Too often.
He used to love little small things about her. The way she flicked her hair behind her ear. The way her smile will start at the left tip of her lips before fully forming a half-moon smile. The way she lifts her hand above her head to feel the drops of rain.
He used to love those small details of her. He still loves them. He might will still love those things. Maybe.
Because now, it's the small details of her that annoy him. The way she changes her mind on what to wear at the very last minute. The way she complains about him driving too careless, too fast, but at the same time whining about they would never get to the place on time to have the best seat in the movie. The way she sends almost-hysterical messages every 15 minutes to ask him where he is every time he is away.
Some time ago (Was it a year ago? Or more? It feels so long ago) he said that he would love her forever. Lately, it comes to him that he actually hates the word 'forever'. Because he will never know what 'forever' might bring.
She once told him that she would love him forever, that she fell in love with everything in him. She once said that she loved the small details of him. He remembered that she said she loved his curls, his sleeping face, and even his way of sipping his morning coffee while reading the newspaper.
Now she shouts at him for letting the toothpaste on the bathroom sink with the cap still opened. She complains at him for not folding the newspaper symmetrically. She whines about Derek never remembers to buy milk or tea or whatever that they are running out of, without her calling to remind him about it for 5 times while he was still at work.
Now, every morning when he wakes up, Derek can't help but wondering, what else that she will find out and will hate about him.
She once said that she would love him forever.
Right now, for Derek, 'forever' is such a mean word.
The fights and arguments and shouting at each other are bad, but the worse thing is when the exchange of words between them diminish, to a point where they hardly ever talk to each other.
The worst thing, the real worst thing is just when they stopped talking to each other. Not even a cold morning greeting. Let alone talking, even Derek could not brace himself to look her in the eyes, to find an answer, a clue, an explanation. To find out whether the love that once there, is still there.
All that he manages to do are only some quick stolen glances to her. Just quick glances, but he can see how she looks weary from day to day. He can't help himself but wonder, does she still have the love for him in the twinkle of her eyes.
Sometimes Derek wishes that what they are going through right now is just a dream. Just a nightmare. Because no matter how bad a dream is, no matter how terrifying a nightmare is, when the dawn is coming and the night comes to an end, a dream will end too. Because this, Derek has no idea when will it end. Even worse, he cannot imagine, he is too scared to imagine, how it will end.
It comes to an end. As everything, it also came to an end. A sharp and cold feeling stabs Derek in his chest when he gets home from training and finds a piece of paper on the coffee table in the living room.
Resting on top of the paper is her keys.
It's ironically funny how he somehow knows that it will come to an end but never really prepares for it. How he had been through that once, when his parents broke up, but it still unable to gather himself.
It is heartbreaking, that all of those questions of why-what happen-what went wrong-can't we work it out is answered in a simple and plain piece of paper.
He takes the paper and sits down. He only reads the first line that says, "Der, I'm sorry..." and the last line that says, "Goodbye…". He doesn't bother himself to read what come between those lines.
Whatever it is, whatever the explanation is, it doesn't change the fact that what they used to have slipped away, and was not enough anymore to keep them together. Whatever it is, it's just a proof of how all the 'forever's in their promises are broken now.
So, he puts the paper back on the table. He lies on the couch, staring at the ceiling. He tries to breathe, between the sob that he tries to hold. He lets his cheeks being caressed by the warm drops that slipping down from his eyes, as now there would be no longer those delicate fingers to do it, to wipe his tears away.
Maybe they were meant to meet and shared what they have shared together, but they were just not meant to be together forever. Maybe they were meant to be together only for a while.
Not forever.