A/N: So my best friend sent me a link to this huge chain of Reddit posts. After reading through it, we're here now. If the dude whose story this fic is based on ever finds his way here, I hope you live a life full of happiness- the amount of joy brought to me from reading your posts is unfathomable.
The title is from a line of the song coffee by Beabadoobee.
Summary: All Riku has ever wanted is a place to be himself- a home. It turns out that 'home' can come in all different forms- woman, man, shy, bold, long waves, short spikes. In all of these things, the common denominator is always Sora. Riso, Cleon and more. Modern AU.
Let me know what you think in the reviews!
Right Amount of Sugar
He's made up his mind. After months of anguished wondering and waiting and praying and dreaming, he is finally going to put his foot down and do it. The box clenched within his tense fingers is growing slightly clammy from his sweat, his nervousness sending his heart racing like a jackhammer against his ribcage. For a moment, he is grateful that his bangs cover up his forehead, hiding beads of perspiration.
He's not usually like this. He is supposed to be better than this. He is the Riku Crescent, after all- the captain of the blitzball team, the presumed valedictorian, the top of their class. He should be more confident in himself.
But Mr. Scientia isn't exactly a normal teacher. Mr. Scientia deserves the best.
Riku only hopes that, in Mr. Scientia's eyes, he will be enough.
His Law and Government teacher's classroom door is open. Dodging garlands of pink and red streamers which have already begun to fall down, he ignores the post-school Valentine's Day carnage fluttering in the weak air conditioning circulating through empty hallways. It is already nearly four o'clock. He has blitzball practice soon. It's now or never.
So, he sucks in a deep, shuddering breath and steps inside, smiling weakly at the man who has stolen his heart ever since the first day of the school year. Mr. Scientia is just as beautiful and strong and intelligent and poised as ever, and Riku's ears feel like they're burning under the intensity of his stare.
"Hey, Mr. S," he murmurs, gripping the box tightly behind his back.
The man looks up at him with a pleasant smile, eyes crinkling at the corners from over rectangular, wire-framed glasses. "Riku Crescent. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
The way the word "pleasure" slides off of the older man's tongue makes Riku's knees weak.
Still, he steps forward, putting on the greatest masquerade of confidence and swagger he can muster. He saunters (stumbles) up to the desk, smoothly (clumsily) pulling the box of chocolate out from behind his back. He only drops the box once, so it feels like a success.
With that piercing stare that only Ignis Scientia could manage, the box of chocolate and attached note are examined thoroughly. Beautiful eyes flick across line after line, expression not shifting an inch. Riku begins to sweat even more profusely, feeling his knees begin to tremble, his vision blurring a little in his panic.
After what feels like an eternity, Mr. Scientia looks up. "I was not expecting that from you, Riku," he admits, voice almost bemused.
Riku wants to curl up and die.
His teacher continues, "It's a lovely sentiment. I shall enjoy this chocolate with my partner. Thank you very much."
He's taken. He's in a relationship. And the realization brings tears to Riku's eyes unbidden. He smiles and nods, waving goodbye to his favourite teacher ever, shifting his schoolbag over his shoulder as he pinches his eyes shut. I will not cry. I will not-
But by all evil twists of fate, he runs into someone just as he is leaving the classroom, barely able to hold it together. Larxene Gray snarls and pouts, righting herself and smacking bubblegum between glossy lips. As she takes in Riku's twisted expression, trailing her eyes back to the box of chocolates and pink wrapping paper and opened note sitting on Mr. Scientia's desk, the pieces click into place before Riku can say anything.
"Well… that was unexpected," she murmurs coyly.
And so, that is how Riku Crescent unwillingly came out of the closet.
xXx
"Are you there, Riku?" his mother repeated, her annoyance coming through clearly across the phone.
It snapped Riku out of his daydream with a start, the man nearly dropping his phone in surprise. Clearing his throat, he shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. The headache which was beginning to creep behind his eyes was going to be unbearable later, he just knew it. "I'm not getting married, Mom. No matter how many times you ask-"
"You just need to meet the right girl!" the woman insisted, voice growing shrill. There was an edge of hysteria to her words as she repeated, "You're a good, eligible bachelor, Riku, and you are wasting your youth cooped up in Radiant Garden-"
"I'm happy here, Mom." Far away from you.
She clicked her tongue, clearly preparing to repeat the same circular conversation yet again. Riku found himself quickly tuning it all out. It was a conversation they had had hundreds of times before, after all.
So, as she began to berate him yet again for his life choices, Riku's eyes drifted instead over to his many monitors. The debugging program for his latest client was running on his work PC, while a group chat consisting of his small circle of college friends filled another screen, the dialogue streaming in non-stop as his friends provided running commentary on a show they had been watching together. His gaze flickered over their hundreds of comments as he idly changed a setting on the chat, muting it for eight hours rather than just the thirty minutes he had planned for. They're going to be watching that all day, huh?
He would scroll back through their never-ending banter that night in bed, as always. They wouldn't mind if he lurked on the outside- it was what he always did.
His mother was still going on her usual rant in his ear, so he stood, stretching out a kink in his back. Almost a decade since Larxene Gray had spread the truth of his sexuality around Midgar, and his parents still couldn't accept it. He paid attention for a moment, humming along as she insisted, yet again, that he should come back and live in Midgar. Back where they could keep an eye on him.
He wouldn't return- at least, not permanently. It had made sense for him to leave his parents' city, despite having received a full-ride blitzball scholarship from Shinra's private, much more local college. At least in Radiant Garden, no one knew him as 'the gay Crescent boy'. At least in Radiant Garden, he was free to lust after any man he fancied. The men of Midgar had known of his reputation long before he had even remotely begun searching for romantic partners- there was no chance he'd meet someone there. And even if he did meet someone, his parents would ensure he'd never see them again.
Finally, it seemed like his mother had run out of steam. "You know we… we care about you, right Riku?"
You care, but you don't love me anymore. She hadn't said that word since his junior year- since the truth came out. "I know, Mom," he said emotionlessly, walking through the silent apartment barefoot to reach his kitchen. "I know."
"Good. Just… try and find a girl, okay?"
"Take care, Mom." And he hung up, letting out a heavy sigh. Just like that, another phone call taken care of. He wouldn't have to listen to her rants again for at least a few more weeks.
Riku slid the device across his kitchen table, running his hands through platinum-blond hair. I should cut this, he thought idly, flipping his overgrown bangs upwards. It's getting out of hand. Pulling the ingredients for a simple breakfast out of the fridge, he froze as he walked past the microwave for a moment, his reflection staring back at him accusingly.
He was twenty-six years old. A highly successful twenty-six-year-old, with a lovely apartment and a solid career and numerous accolades to his name. Photos from college blitzball tournaments lined the top of the bookshelf in his living room, the tiny frames just visible around the corner of his kitchen- those photos recounted so many conquered opponents that he couldn't even remember most of them.
And he, the highly-successful twenty-six-year-old Riku Crescent, was single, and he was gay. And thus, nothing else he had ever achieved really mattered.
His reflection betrayed his discontent, his long hair falling into his eyes and past his shoulders with every movement. He groaned, grabbing a headband off his dining table and forcing it all back out of his face. While he didn't mind long hair in theory- he looked damn good with it, he knew- it still didn't change the fact that long hair made him look far too much like his father, and that was a resemblance he refused to partake in.
His phone beeped. Glancing at the screen, he rolled his eyes on instinct, a new message flashing from a potential dating match. Why did I let Zack convince me to download this app? Still, curiosity won him over, and he opened it up with barely a second's hesitation.
It took a moment for the sent image to register in his mind, much to his chagrin. He promptly closed the app and tossed his phone back down, directing himself back to the stove to make himself food. If he was going to be bitter and exhausted, at least he could have a full belly.
The good thing about taking on the draining calls from his mother was that he always felt a little freer afterwards. Although it took him some time to recuperate the mental energy needed to carry on with his day (along with two more cups of coffee- the woman could never appreciate the three-hour time difference between their cities, and would likely always call him early on Saturday mornings for their 'chats') he finally did find himself ready to begin the day. And, after a quick workout in his apartment complex's gym and a shower, he felt like himself again.
Booking the appointment with his hair stylist slipped his mind, though.
Still, life carried on. Riku's every day was nothing too interesting nor impressive, but it was his, and that was good enough. While he knew the next phone call with his mother would inevitably take place, for the time being, he could pretend like there was no familial disappointment awaiting him on the other end. It wasn't like he saw his parents often- they were generally far too busy in Midgar to fly out, and he had no intention of visiting them without a solid reason.
So, it was to everyone's surprise (read: all of Riku's friends, who were just as embittered with the treatment of his queerness as he was) that his next phone call with the woman who raised him sounded almost… loving.
"We've bought you tickets to come home, honey," the woman crooned. "We've spent so long apart. It's been what, eight years? You need to come home, even if it's just for a little while."
"Um- but work-"
"Oh, honey, I'm sure you've saved up vacation time. Please come? We miss you so."
Riku didn't know how to respond. For a long while, he just sat in silence, desperately trying to process what he had just been told. They wanted to see him? His parents? His parents? Wanted Riku?
His friends were overjoyed when he told them of the trip he would soon be taking out to Midgar. "See, Riku? They're proud of you!" Aerith cheered, clapping her hands excitedly.
Yuffie's grin nearly split her face in two. "Aw, Riku is fixing the tormented relationship with his family members!" she squeaked, throwing her arms around him in a tight hug. How she did it despite the large restaurant table between them, he didn't know.
Cloud merely patted him on the back. "It's weird, going back home," he confessed sagely. "I didn't know what to say when I got there."
"Yeah, so I had to do all the talking," Tifa groaned. "God forbid either of these two would say anything useful." The two childhood friends had taken Leon and gone back to their hometown of Nibelheim to visit estranged family members during the Christmas holiday, so they were the resident experts in pilgrimages back home.
Riku merely groaned, making exasperated eye contact with Cloud's partner. Leon simply shrugged and shook his head. Yup. You definitely didn't say a word when meeting Cloud's parents. Quiet bastard.
And yet, despite all of the teasing from his friends, it would've been a complete lie to say that he wasn't excited to see his parents. Over the phone, his mother had sounded excited. It was a stark contrast to the day he had moved out.
Even now, he winced on instinct when he thought of the violence he had seen that day.
Cid plopped a jug of happy-hour-beer on the table, waving off cheers and hollers from the rest of the group. Looking at Riku solemnly, the man murmured, "It might be good for you, kid. Reconnecting and all that jazz. Give it a shot."
The thought of reconnecting with his family sounded amazing- in theory. "Maybe it will be nice to go back," he pondered aloud. "I… I haven't really thought about the actual possibility in a long time."
"Go for it, Riku!" Yuffie hollered, pouring more beer into his glass. "It'll be amazing- you can reconnect with the fam, and see why they've had a pole up their asses all these years-"
"Yuffie," Leon warned lowly.
"What? It's true!" The impish woman turned back to Riku, protested her innocence. "I'm right, right Riku?"
"You're not wrong," he conceded, drawing a barking laugh out of Cid and Cloud. Still, the gang refilled mugs and came together to toast his trip home- to renewing old relationships and finding family and everything else the rowdy group could come up with in the otherwise-idle bar.
And yet, a little voice in his mind screamed in denial. How could he go home? How could he go back to the family that had, upon finding out his sexuality, denied everything about him? How could he look his parents in the eye and smile when they had turned away from him in his greatest time of need, essentially forcing him to keep silent about who he was? "If you can't change, then just don't make us more ashamed," his father had boomed before slamming his study door in Riku's face upon finding out.
What place did Riku still have in that house?
It was on a whim that Riku decided to book a cheap hotel room to stay at during the weekend he'd be returning to Midgar. He wasn't going to use it- his mother had insisted that he would stay at home so they could 'spend time together'- but he felt it was only right to have a backup.
Just in case.
…He didn't want to use his 'just in case'.
Still, since he had booked the place anyways, he decided to drop off his bags there three weeks later upon arrival. The flight over to Midgar had been fairly short, but getting through airports was always exhausting, and due to delays, he was already running late. Understanding the delay with the airline, they had agreed to transport his stuff back to their family home after their evening meal was concluded. Apparently, they were going to take him out to dinner.
Okay. Neutral ground, a public place. They can't throw anything at me in public. I'll be fine.
So, in his tiny hotel room, he showered and threw on a decent button-down and a pair of slacks. Mournfully, he realized his hair was still too long- he'd forgotten to cut it each weekend, and now it was a little too late- so he tied it low at the nape of his neck and hopped on the familiar, screaming trains that circled around the perimeter of Midgar.
When he arrived, his parents were waiting outside of the restaurant. His mother's blue eyes lit up in pure bliss when she saw him, the woman immediately pulling him into her arms. He stiffened in the embrace, slow to return the gesture. When he did, however, it was startling to see just how easily the petite woman fit into his arms.
Had she always been so small? The last time he had seen her properly, he had been a downtrodden teen barely on the cusp of eighteen. It was almost jarring to see how much thinner she felt.
But still, she had power over him. When she let go of him, she reached up to cup his cheek and coo over how handsome he was. Riku nearly cried at the touch. He didn't.
His father, however, hadn't changed. Upon facing him, Riku felt his shoulders automatically straighten and push back, chest puffing up ever-so-slightly, chin raising to look the man in the eye. Cold, calculating green stared back at him, appraising the young man from head to toe. Despite every inch of his body screaming at him to run away, his heart pounding in his chest and his spine tight from the closeness, Riku didn't flinch, didn't waver.
A cold smirk lit up his father's face. The older man brushed his nearly waist-length, silvery-blond hair out of his eyes. Riku's heart recoiled at how similar his own reflection looked to the man before him. I need to cut my hair the moment I get back.
"Welcome back, Riku," his father said evenly. "We can catch up inside- shall we?"
Riku nodded curtly, holding the door open for his parents. He did his best to maintain eye contact with his father as the man walked past. It wasn't easy, but he did it.
I'm not the same kid I once was, I guess. That small victory was enough to put a little spring back in his tense steps.
The establishment was typical of his father's tastes- classic, minimalistic and elegant. There was very little fluff to liven up the dimly lit restaurant, but every tablecloth, glass, napkin, utensil- everything screamed of wealth and class and high society. As they took their seats, the waiter immediately launching into the day's soups and meats and the appropriate wine pairings, Riku's mind drifted. I wish I was at home. He had frozen pizzas at home. He'd take those over this nonsense any day.
It took a few minutes for him to understand the implications of where they were seated. "Mom, why did we get such a big table?" he asked, worry rising up within him at an alarming rate.
He was right to have reacted as such, apparently. Barely a beat passed since the words left his lips before a voice called, "Sephiroth! Is this your boy?"
His father stood, a business-like grin settling upon his face with ease. Riku, however, paid no mind to the words coming out of his father's mouth- instead, he simply stood when commanded, heart sinking into his shoes as he turned to look at their apparent guests as they took a seat at the Crescent's table. There were three people- an older couple, jovial and welcoming in the way that only businesspeople could be, and a young woman, likely in college still.
He knew what this was. This wasn't a trip to reconnect broken bonds between family members. This was a trip to introduce Riku to a woman.
This was just another chance for his parents to deny Riku's very being yet again.
He was going to be sick.
The only thing that brought a modicum of joy to his dizzy, spinning world was the fact that the young woman looked about as uncomfortable as he felt. At least I'm not alone.
After reeling back in silent horror for too long, he began to pay attention to the conversation again at the most inopportune time, apparently. His mother groaned, "Riku's getting a little old to be unmarried-" Woman, I'm only 26! "-so this is just the perfect opportunity."
The mother of the frustrated young woman clicked her tongue in weary agreement. "It's true, our darling is also getting up in years-"
"Mom, I'm only 24," the daughter grumbled.
She was promptly ignored. Her mother continued, "Her twin brother's already taken, you see, so we've been so worried about who she's going to end up with! Boys can wait a little longer, you know how it goes." She turned to Riku, asking, "So, what do you think of our daughter?"
Riku didn't even feign a smile when the woman smiled at him, looking for approval of her daughter.
An icy moment of silence fell over the table as they awaited his response. Riku closed his eyes, trying his damnedest to ignore the furious glare from his mother boring into the side of his head. Still, he didn't respond.
It was his father who finally broke the nearly-unbearable quiet. "We'll let the young ones discuss amongst themselves." The man stood, walking around behind Riku's chair to place firm, icy hands upon his shoulders. "I'm sure Riku would love to get to know her better in privacy, right?"
Mutely, Riku nodded, cursing himself for cowering. He couldn't help it, though- the waves of hatred and anger emanating from the looming figure behind him were too much to bear, so utterly different from the feigned politeness from outside the restaurant.
And so, the four older figures left the table, gossiping cordially as they left their children behind along with tension thick enough to suffocate someone.
The moment they were out of earshot, the girl leaned forward, tapping the table to get Riku's attention. He turned to look back at her with a start. "Look, bud," she began in a surprisingly boyish timbre, her wide blue eyes and round, open face oddly menacing, "I don't know who you are or why you asked your parents to set this up-"
"I didn't set anything up-" Riku interjected, but she barrelled over him.
"-but you are barking up the wrong tree, mister."
Riku scoffed, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. Why's she so angry? "Look, I don't know what you're talking about, but my family just asked me to visit home for once. I didn't know this was happening."
"A likely story," the girl spat, tucking long brown strands behind her ear. "Either way, I'm not the person you want, so you can go and tell your parents that I'm not marrying you and that's that."
There was a low edge to the girl's voice- something that was nagging at the back of his mind. Why was she so angry? Why was she so bitter?
"Why am I so 'bitter'?"
Riku winced. He hadn't meant to say it out loud.
Still, she huffed, "I'm going to tell you this once, and you better not breathe a word of it to anyone because Mom and Dad don't know, but…" and she sighed, taking a moment to clearly psych herself up to share whatever the big secret was.
Finally, the woman seemed to find her balance, looking up determinedly at him. "I'm trans."
Riku blinked at the anxious, angry face in front of him, taking a long moment to just let those words sink in. This figure in front of him, with their wide blue eyes and rosy cheeks, clear skin and smooth brown hair falling in cute waves around fairly thin shoulders covered in a little baby-blue dress… they were transgender?
"Well… shit." Riku sighed, reaching over and grabbing his wine glass. So… she- they're male? They identify as male, that's what they're telling me? And no one knows?! Gulping down the beverage unceremoniously, he placed the glass back onto the table. Am… am I really going to do this?
Looking at his dinner companion's resolute expression, however, he knew the truth. He had no choice.
"It's Sora, right?"
They nodded, bangs falling into their eyes cutely.
Riku held out his hand to shake. "Well, Sora, I'm Riku. You're right- we can't get married. I refuse to get married out of principle, and my parents know this. This just won't work, no matter what- you're a transgender man… and I'm gay."
Despite all of the discomfort he had experienced that evening, the look of joy and kinship in Sora's eyes as the shorter figure took his hand was enough to make Riku's whole night.