Looking back, it had all started with a single white glove.
Ferdinand had arrived at the training hall just as Lady Edelgard and her attendant Hubert were leaving, they were embroiled in some form of conversation but he wasn't interested in the details, he wanted to spar with the future emperor and prove himself as always.
"Lady Edelgard!" Ferdinand called in a challenging tone, "Can you go one more round? I've been itching to lock blades with you."
Hubert sneered, brandishing his usual scowl, "I'm afraid Lady Edelgard has neither the time nor the inclination to fight someone as unworthy as you."
"I'm off to see the Professor, so I'm afraid it will have to be another time." Edelgard added, wasting no time in turning around to leave. Hubert however came towards Ferdinand and handed him a white left hand glove which he could see was torn slightly down the side. "However, if you'd like to be useful to Lady Edelgard, perhaps you can find someone capable of mending this, maybe then she can find the time to spend with you."
Ferdinand let out an exaggerated sigh as Hubert then left for his own affairs, leaving Ferdinand to better inspect the garment he had just been handed. It was definitely one of Edelgard's white silk gloves, which now that he thought of it he had never seen her without a pair of these fine crafts on her hands.
Now curiosity had gripped Ferdinand's mind, and though he figured it inappropriate, he also really wanted to try the glove on and know how it felt. He knew his hand would normally be too big for something fitted especially for Edelgard, but with the opening created by the rip he could just quite squeeze in all his fingers for a tight fit.
Ferdinand held up his new gloved hand to see how it looked, definitely strained and close to tearing more, but it felt… nice, almost right, in his heart.
"Ferdie, what are you doing? Isn't that one of Edelgard's gloves?" Someone blurted out.
Shocked to his core, Ferdinand instinctively tried to cover his left hand while he turned to see who had called him out, which was none other than Dorothea.
"What? It is nothing, why are you even here?!" Ferdinand panicked, causing Dorothea to chuckle.
"Oh come on Ferdie you can't hide from me, c'mon, I wanna see it."
Knowing he had been had, raised his hand in defeat and removed the glove, "I was just curious to know how it felt, okay?"
Dorothea came over and patted his shoulder, "Sometimes Ferdie I can't tell if you're trying to beat Edelgard or *be* Edelgard."
They both laughed, and Ferdinand thought maybe he did take his one-sided rivalry a bit too far, cause it would be ridiculous to try and be Edelgard, right?
Right?
Two weeks passed and Ferdiand still couldn't get that question out of his head, it drilled him wherever he went, distracted him in class, and occupied his dreams. He found himself drawn more and more to observe Edelgard, to subtly copy tiny detail after detail, how she rested her hands on her lap, the way she looked at someone, how she picked up a cup, it was a maddening obsession.
And all the while he never returned the glove, keeping it and wearing it intermittently as a sort of compelled urge, but eventually he decided to wait longer would start raising questions, resolving to deliver the glove personally to Edelgard one night and apologize.
But we he arrived at her dormitory the door was open and Edelgard was nowhere to be seen. Ferdinand walked up and down the halls for a bit, eventually running into Cyril and asked the boy if he had seen her anywhere.
"I think we went for a walk with Professor Byleth? Other then that I don't know?"
Cyril then went on his way, leaving Ferdinand alone opposite Edelgard's very private dorm. He thought to himself, just go in and leave it on her desk, you can explain later, but as he walked in he noticed another of her items seemingly forgotten on the floor, one of the ribbons Edelgard used to tie her hair.
Ferdinand could feel his heart beating harder and harder, as his mind raced through the possibilities and consequences, but eventually he gave in, grabbing the ribbon and running away as fast as he could. Once he had made some distance and felt that he had thrown off whatever invisible spectre that could've followed him, Ferdinand made the stroll back to his room as nonchalantly as possible, letting out an immense sigh of relief as soon as he heard the click of his door shut and locked.
Now he was drawn to the item he had just stolen, stolen! Ferdinand realized, conduct totally against the noble status he professed, and guilt welled up in his heart.
Until he tried putting it on.
Ferdinand's hair wasn't anywhere near long enough to do the same style of tie behind that Edelgard practiced, but he was able to grab enough of the orange locks on the back of his head to tie a small, barely there ponytail. Inspecting his work using a small hand mirror, Ferdinand thought it looked almost cute, but eventually his gnawing guilt resumed and he removed the ribbon, disgust overtaking the joy in his heart.
The next day Ferdinand slipped both Edelgard's glove and ribbon under her door, and spoke of it to nobody.
The next couple months passed with Ferdinand in a semi-haze. He tried his best to avoid Edelgard, and to avoid all women in general, which was especially hard since their professor was one. So he sat at the back of the classroom, he spent more and more time alone in his room, passing off this sudden change in behaviour as just a nasty head cold.
And he continued to experiment, travelling to and from stores incognito, buying those forbidden items which entranced him so, a hair pin, a lipstick, a blouse, a skirt, a pair of white silk gloves. Then one day Ferdinand ended up at the marketplace looking at a fine collection of silk garments for sale, with one in particular catching his gaze, and his dread. It was a gloriously frilly royal blue dress that looked just the right size for him, and he was practically salivating over the thought of trying it on and-
What am I thinking! This isn't something Edelgard would wear?!
Ferdinand simply stood there and stared for a couple minutes until the confused merchant waved and caught his attention. "Looking for something for a lady friend, bud?"
Ferdinand was still in a partial stupor, and acting purely on instinct pointed at the garment he desired. "I'll take this one, please." Passing the necessary gold and walking away his dream bundled away.
His heart pounded at his chest the entire way back to his dormitory, needing to wipe away the sweat pooling on his forehead at multiple opportunities.
Once he got into his room, Ferdinand sat down on his bed and stared at the package he has just bought, a million thoughts swirling around in his head.
What is wrong with you? What would your friends think? This isn't noble. You're disgusting. What do you even think you're trying to do?
Fingers trembling, he opened the box and slowly brought out the dress inside, feeling its softness and appreciating the elegant design. Ferdinand then brought it closer up and rubbed his cheeks on it, the beginnings of tears sliding down his face and dripping onto the blue fabric.
STOP.
In that moment it seemed as though every emotion known to humanity screamed at Ferdinand, and he was reduced to a sobbing, wailing mess.
KNOCK KNOCK. And now there was someone at his door.
"Ferdinand are you in there? I can hear your crying, are you alright?" But he wasn't paying attention.
"I'm worried, I'm coming in!" And the door clicked open, Ferdinand hadn't locked it.
So in stormed Dorothea, and upon realizing someone had come in Ferdinand just locked eyes with her, frozen in terror. Dorothea, on the other hand, looked on with equal parts concern and worry. After around a minute of silence only interrupted occasional sniffles from Ferdinand, Dorothea quietly shut the door behind her and took a seat next to her fellow student.
"It's ok Ferdie, it's ok." She consoled, draping an arm around Ferdinand's shoulders and pulling him close.
Still sobbing, he managed to weep out, "I don't know what to do, I don't think I know who I am anymore."
"Is this what you want?" Dorothea asked, patting the dress.
"Yes."
Dorothea let go and got up, "I think I know what will help, can you wait here a few minutes!" She stated, rapidly but quietly bolting out of the room and down the hall. She returned a few minutes later with a wooden box which she revealed to be full of various cosmetics and brushes.
"If I make you uncomfortable at all, or if you want to stop, please let me know."
Ferdinand nodded, and Dorothea pulled a chair up so she could sit across from the bed and get to work. She doted on Ferdinand's looks for nearly a whole, silent hour, starting with a basic foundation and branching out to eye shadow, mascara and lipstick, a rosy but subtle pink. Dorothea then took out a comb and began gently going through Ferdinand's hair until the orange locks were nice and smooth and clean.
She then stood him up and helped partially undress him so she could better show how to actually put on and wear the lovely dress that Ferdinand had bought. After that Dorothea had one more item to try, and she put on a shimming gold necklace around Ferdinand's neck.
"Well, what do you think?" Dorothea asked, holding up a mirror.
Ferdinand was taken aback by the view, the dress fit him quite well, and Dorothea had laced it up so it was snug across his entire torso, leaving the frilly bottom half to twirl and spin and flow as he spun around on the spot. And his face, Ferdinand reckoned if it wasn't for the familiar orange hair he'd be totally unrecognizable, pink lips, alluring eyes, bright features, it looked and felt amazing and validating.
But then his smile disappeared as the temporary euphoria bled away, reckoning, "I wish I could just be like this all the time."
Dorothea defiantly shook her head, "Ferdie if you want to wear a dress you can, if you want to be pretty you can." She then put an assuring hand on his shoulder.
"And if you want to be a girl, you can."
Ferdinand's heart began pounding again, is this really who I want to be? Is she telling the truth?
"I… I think I need some time to think, thank you Dorothea."
She then gave Ferdinand a hug, and told him if he wanted to talk through it more then she'd be willing, gathering her items and giving Ferdinand a small peck on the cheek before leaving.
More time passed, friendships grew, classes were attended, and battles were fought. Ferdinand all the while continued to talk to Dorothea about his feelings, about what this all meant, and to take lessons. She revealed that she knew someone from her city days in Enbarr who was going through similar troubles, and how she tried to help her feel more accepting and sure of herself. She told him of a songster in her opera that was born a woman and came out in his twenties, it all eased Ferdinand's worries somewhat, but the fear of rejection, of social repercussions was still a massive barrier.
However, after the incident in Battle of Garreg Mach, and the losses that ensued, he felt it was time to make a choice.
The night after, he visited Dorothea in her room and the two sat next to each other once again.
Ferdinand was the first to speak out, "Dorothea I've been terrified this past while, they've been both my happiest days and my most confusing days, and before anything else I just wanted to thank you again for helping me through it." She smiled and nodded, holding his hand while he continued.
"I've been reminded now how… brutal life can be, how sudden, and… I don't want to spend any more time debating with myself on rights and wrongs, thoughts and feelings."
"I came here tonight to tell you… I am Freya von Aegir!" *She* beamed in her now proud again voice.
Dorothea grinned ecstatically, and gave Freya a huge, strong hug. "I don't know when I'll be ready to let everyone else know, but I wanted to tell you first." Freya confessed.
She concluded, "Eventually we'll find the professor, and I'll tell her, and everyone else who I am."
...
And then, there was war.
Freya von Aegir continued to follow her friends and lord into battle against the Church of Seiros, even thought it meant fight against many people who were fellow classmates so close ago. Times of leisure and education were replaced with constant warfare and strategy, and it was affecting all of the Black Eagles harshly. Freya could tell that the new Emperor, Edelgard was feeling the brunt of it, coupled with losing perhaps the closest confidant she had, everyone could tell she was just barely holding it together at times, and Freya wanted desperately to help her friend and lord.
"No Ferdinand, I really don't have time to talk right now, I'm much too busy."
Oh, and there was that, every instance of that name being uttered made her heart sink just a little lower.
Fives years had passed and the only other person Freya felt comfortable enough to come out to was Petra, which only happened because Dorothea had accidentally spilled the beans to her while drunk. It just seemed inappropriate to Freya to drop this on anybody else what with the endless war and loss taking up everyone's life, she just didn't want to add to anybody's taxed mood with, "hey I know we're fighting this war against the whole continent but I'm actually a woman and I go by Freya now."
That wasn't the only reason of course, fear was also on hand, she knew Dorothea and Petra had been extremely accepting, but Dorothea loved pretty much everybody and as Petra had explained, ideas on gender in Brigid were… different then in Fódlan. The two were also dating, which they had confessed to Freya during one of their many chats together.
It was the others Freya was worried about, she figured Caspar wouldn't take her seriously, Linhardt would assume she's joking, Hubert would almost certainly laugh it off, and Edelgard?
"Ferdinand I have no time in entertaining this obsession you have with besting me, go bother somebody else!" Freya parodied in her best Edelgard impression.
The three ladies chuckled, Freya, Dorothea and Petra were having a twilight tea time together in Freya's room, a choice respite between sorties, and a rare time for everyone to attempt to unwind.
Petra was doubtful, "I am not thinking that is how Edelgard would react, Freya."
"Well, maybe, but… *sigh* I don't know…" She replied.
Dorothea figured changing the subject would lighten everyone's mood again, and began to query Freya on something she had taken notice of earlier. "So, Freya, I couldn't help but notice you've been spending time alone with Hubert of all people, what have you two been up to?"
Freya anxiously tapped her fingers together, unsure of whether to answer honestly, or if the two of them would even believe her, "Well, we've been having some rather nice tea times together, well tea for me coffee for him, he actually went out of his way to get me my favourite blend! I didn't even know he knew it!"
"I had gotten him some nice coffee beans as well, and so yeah, we've just been spending time chatting about various interests, oh! Did you know Hubert actually writes poetry! It's… dark, and kind of sad, but I was shocked!" Freya added, realizing too late she had probably said too much.
"Freya, to me it sounds like you and Hubert were on a… what is the word… oh, a date!" Petra mused.
Dorothea then took this idea and ran with it, asked for all the details of their time together while Freya weakly protested, "Did he smile? Did you tell each other jokes? Did you hold hands? Did you kiss each other?"
At that last question Freya went marble white and silent, while the two guests grew in curiosity and excitement.
"Oh my, Freya you did?" Petra asked, getting a meek nod in reply.
Dorothea was shocked, "You and Hubert? Really? Is that even possible?"
Freya was blushing as bright as a ripe tomato, "He caught me sipping on a cup of that coffee he likes so much, only I had added some cream and sugar since I'm not a fan of the bitterness."
She raised a hand to her sweating head, "He said he was curious how it tasted, since he always has his black, I made quib about how it was like how his attitude toward me had changed, sweeter and softer, but still unmistakingly Hubert."
"And then he came up and kissed me! Just like that! He then smiled and said 'it tastes good' before leaving, I was so shocked I think I just sat there cup in my hand for hours."
Dorothea leaned in, increasingly curious, "What do you think? Are you going to follow through?"
"Honestly, I'm terrified, I like Hubert, but I don't know if he's going to be… receptive to everything I bring." Freya confessed, her stance changing from one of embarrassment to worry. "I think you two should be seeing each other again." Petra claimed, "Hubert has never been like this with any of us."
Freya became increasingly lost in her tumbling thoughts, she did think Hubert was dreamy in that sort of mysterious cool way, and she could tell her heart was fluttering at the thought of even being near him.
She then stood up and made a big stretch, "If anything further happens I'll let you know, but now I think I'm going to go to bed before one of you gives me a heart attack!"
"Ok sweetie, and hey if you need any relationship advice, I'm your girl!" Dorothea advised, giving a wink to Freya as she and Petra got up to leave. "I am not so tired yet, if you want to be heading to your room for a bit…" Petra whispered to Dorothea, eliciting a slightly immodest giggle from her and a playful eye roll from Freya.
"Have fun you two!" She sincerely concluded as Freya was once again alone in her dorm.
She started fiddling with one of the decorative laces on her shirt, silently admiring her chosen attire in the mirror. She was wearing an elegant navy blue skirt and blouse combo with black stockings, one of her most recent acquisitions. Freya didn't openly wear of any of it outside her room, but when her mood was low sometimes wearing something under her expected shirt and trousers would help somewhat.
But inside, Freya greaved more for how little she could "fill out" some of the clothes and garments she owned, many days despairing to look in a mirror or think in any way how she looked, trying to hide from eyes she was convinced were prying on her. Recently Petra had brought to her a concoction based on a type of Brigid medicine that was supposed to encourage beneficial development in people like her, but so far the results were slim to unnoticeable.
So Freya focused on whatever she could directly control, not just clothes but growing her hair out, getting pierced ears, just little distractions and diversions to keep the mind occupied and away from dark thoughts. As Freya pulled her covers over and began to sleep, she dreamt back to the Garreg Mach Ball all those years back, only this time she was present in a glittering silver dress and expertly braided hair, dancing joyously and elegantly many of her friends and classmates, including a certain dark haired sorcerer.
It was a pleasant dream, and Freya slept with a smile on her face.
When Byleth showed up with Edelgard out of the blue after five long years, Freya could hardly believe it, and was near convinced that she must have still been dreaming. Their combined Black Eagle Strike Force reunion was the happiest any of them had been during that whole time, and in that moment she was able to forget about the war and all their hardships and just be glad their professor was still alive.
Eventually they all had to break off and get back to their tasks, just with a renewed sense of purpose, but Freya stayed nearby and hidden, wanting, no, needing to speak to Byleth personally. She could see her and Edelgard walking alone in the courtyard together, talking an unknown conversation before the Emperor whispered something into Byleth's ear and gave her a tender kiss on the cheek before going her own way.
This was Freya's chance, and when the coast was clear she ran after Byleth before she could be embroiled by someone else, "Wait! Professor I need to talk to you!"
"Hmm? What can I help you with, Fe-"
Freya grabbed Byleth's hands and looked into her green eyes, "I'm not… that person anymore, I haven't for a long time and I just haven't had the courage to tell everybody."
"Please, I am Freya, that's who I am, Freya von Aegir, I don't want your first thoughts of me after being gone for so long to be on my old self, I couldn't stand the thought of it."
Byleth continued to lock eyes with Freya, and barely looked phazed at all, simply replying, "Well, that explains a lot." Freya was dumbfounded, simply uttering a dull, "what?" in response.
"I'm your, or I guess I was your Professor, Freya, I'm an attentive person, I noticed your odd behaviour for a long time and was planning on asking you about it. I've seen you on your little excursions, what you get, I even saw you with what looked like one of Edelgard's hair ribbons."
Byleth put a reassuring hand on Freya's shoulder, I'm just glad you're more sure of yourself, you look happier, I disliked seeing you so sullen in class."
Freya was overwhelmed on on the verge of tears, so Byleth pulled her into a hug, letting her feelings flow over and spill out. "Thank you, professor."
After about a week's worth of deliberation and reassurance from her friends, including the returned Byleth, Freya decided to tell the news to the rest of her Black Eagle comrades during their next meeting. She arrived dressed in her finest regalia flanked by Byleth and Dorothea, though it was the professor who had the first words.
"Before we start today's session, I know some of you have some questions, but I'd like to give Freya here the opportunity to speak to you all." Byleth started, letting Freya take the head of the table afterwards. There was a prolonged silence as she just stood there nervously gripping the hem of her skirt, awkward looks coming from across the room. With Freya too nervous to speak her thoughts, another voice cut through the silence to try and defuse the situation.
"Umm… please, you don't have to worry, whatever has been troubling you I'll always be your friend!" Bernadetta asserted.
Others began to offer their words of encouragement, "I can tell something's been troubling you, it's ok to lean on others for help!" Linhardt followed, with Caspar adding, "Nothing will change if you don't speak out! We've all got your back!"
Even Hubert added his own, albeit questionable advice, "It's foolish not to recognize how much people here seem to like you."
Finally Edelgard spoke out, a coy smile stretched across her face, "Tell us who you are, I want to hear it from you."
Freya was shocked at all the kind and reassuring messages, and so, summoning up the well of courage everyone had contributed to filling, she took a deep breath and was finally able to speak out.
"My friends, I am Freya von Aegir!"
It felt good to say her name out aloud again, before it had been for her ego, but now it was something else, pride.
She hung around in the room after their meeting had concluded in order to speak to someone, and after cornering him, pulled Hubert aside so she could ask him if they wanted to have some coffee together later.
Hubert cocked a sly smile as confirmed, "I would be delighted, Freya, just as soon as you apologize to Lady Edelgard for breaking into her room and stealing her items."
Freya croaked a nervous laughter, slightly terrified that at the thought that Hubert had held onto that knowledge for five years, but the mood quickly changed back to happy as he offered her his hand for them to walk out together holding.