The Melody of My Heart
All his life Lan Zhan has had issues connecting with other people. Only one person has always played the high notes to his low ones. Only one person has always, always understood him.
A series of meetings and separations and the music that connects two souls.
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For the 3/14/20 weekly prompt of "知己 zhij" or "知音 zhiyin" from my Cheng Qing Ling and MDZS discord.
For an excellent look at what these mean, visit hunxi-guilai on tumblr, post/612161034673946624/all-right-guys-lets-have-a-conversation-about
Note that Lan Zhan's name becomes Lan Wangji upon turning 20. Wei Ying's turns to Wei Wuxian at the same time. Same for Lan Huan to Lan Xichen.
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There are a lot of other kids in his class and he doesn't know a single one. He will be okay though. Brother Huan told him the other kids would be just as nervous as he was. Uncle Qiren had taught him all the rules for school already. Mother and Father had each, in their own way, said they were already proud of the way they expected he would handle himself in this new situation.
He wanted his family to be proud, did not want to disappoint them, so he would conduct himself well at school. He was five now, after all. He wasn't a baby.
Except…all the other kids were so active, so loud, so friendly with each other, as if they had known each other all their lives. Lan Zhan wanted a friend too, but couldn't bring himself to approach anyone and ask.
During all their lessons, Lan Zhan paid good attention to what the teacher said. Colors, animals, emotions. Writing their letters. Basic math. Other kids got loud, called out without raising their hands, fought over crayons. Not Lan Zhan.
The teacher was nice. She took time to talk to him every day both before and after nap time, and sat next to him at lunch.
"Don't you want to put your mat next to someone else's?" she asked. When he shook his head no, she frowned. "Tell you what. I'll lay next to you instead, if that's okay?"
"I'm okay, Teacher Yang."
And he was. He wanted friends, but he was okay without someone to nap next to or eat with. He would be okay.
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During free time one day, Lan Zhan went over to the music corner of the room. Most of the instruments had been taken by other children, who were using them to make a racket elsewhere in the classroom, but that was fine. The one Lan Zhan was interested in was still there. It was a large, long floor mat made to look like a piano. Lan Zhan carefully unfolded the mat and turned it on.
Stepping on one of the white bars made the speaker on the mat make a noise like a piano key. Lan Zhan smiled. He liked pianos.
He hopped from one key to another, playing a nonsensical, tuneless song by himself. The mat was too long for him to hop to the higher notes, so his song was low and sounded kind of sad. Sad like a kid who ate snacks alone, napped alone, did his school work alone, played alone.
Lan Zhan crouched down on the keys, the low tones under his feet carrying on and on before drifting to silence. He wrapped his arms around his legs and hid his face in his knees. Brother Huan had said school was fun. Brother Huan had said he would make lots of friends. But there was no one to play piano with him.
A high note.
Lifting his head, Lan Zhan saw another child from his class standing with one foot on the piano mat, one foot off. When he had Lan Zhan's attention, he beamed. He bounced his foot up and down on that one high key a few times, then stepped on one lower with his second foot. High, lower, higher, high. The other child paused and smiled at Lan Zhan again.
Sniffling, Lan Zhan wiped his face and stood up. The other boy stepped on a high key. Lan Zhan stepped on a low key. A high key. A low key. Back and forth, sometimes at the same time. It was still a tuneless song, but it was a duet now. They played slow, then faster, then slower again, then too fast to keep on their feet, slipping and falling in a heap on the floor together.
But that was okay! That was okay because the other boy was laughing and Lan Zhan was laughing too. They had been playing together and they fell down together and that was so much better.
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The other boy's name was Wei Ying. He was loud and full of energy. He called out without raising his hand. He couldn't sit still for a whole lesson. If given the chance, he would run errands for the teacher or just plain run.
But he was smart, and he was funny. He ate lunch with Lan Zhan and built things out of his snack materials before eating them like a monster. And he pulled his nap mat next to Lan Zhan's, and even held his hand before falling asleep.
Wei Ying was Lan Zhan's best friend.
Even when Lan Zhan didn't speak, Wei Ying knew what he wanted to say. He ate the food Lan Zhan didn't want and gave him the kinds he loved. He saved Lan Zhan's favorite toys from the other kids so Lan Zhan could play with them instead. He drew pictures for Lan Zhan and presented them to him almost every day.
Then one day, another adult came to the classroom door. It was not someone Lan Zhan knew. They talked to Teacher Yang at the door and her face paled. She turned sad, wide eyes to where Lan Zhan and Wei Ying had been doing their math together. Even at five years old, Lan Zhan knew nothing good would come after that look. His heart dropped into his stomach.
Kneeling next to their table, Teacher Yang said, "A-Ying. Can you come with me for a little bit? There's—," she hesitated, covering her mouth. Taking a deep breath, she finished, "There's something you need to know."
"Okay!" Wei Ying agreed easily. He put his pencil down, slid out of his seat, and took her hand. As they walked toward the man at the door, Wei Ying turned to wave at Lan Zhan. "See you tomorrow, Lan Zhan!"
Except Wei Ying didn't come back to class. Not the next day. Not the next. Not ever.
A month later, Lan Zhan pulled out the floor piano again. He played the low notes during all of free time, but no one came to play the high notes with him. When Teacher Yang came over to tell him free time was over, she found him still slowly stepping, tears silently streaming down his face.
"Oh, A-Zhan." She knelt and pulled him into a hug. "What's wrong?"
"No one plays the song with me," Lan Zhan cried.
Teacher Yang rubbed his back to comfort him. "It will be okay, A-Zhan. Someone will play the piano with you tomorrow, I'm sure."
But Lan Zhan didn't play the piano again. If it wasn't Wei Ying, he didn't want to play it anymore.
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Lan Zhan was twelve, attending Gusu Middle School, and had a reputation for having no friends. He studied during lunch break instead of going out with friends. He spent his evenings playing a traditional instrument for the school band or practicing calligraphy or participating in study groups. He had the highest grade in his year. But he rarely spoke except to answer teacher questions.
He was boring, people said. He was ice cold. He always looked angry or like everyone was beneath him. No wonder his only friend was Senior Lan Huan.
Lan Zhan did his best not to let their talk get him down. He was a successful student. He would get into a good college. He would make his family proud.
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About halfway through the school year, a new student joined his class.
"My name is Jiang Cheng," he introduced, a deep frown on his face. "Please treat me well."
By the last bell, Lan Zhan had determined that Jiang Cheng was a very…passionate individual. His hand shot up to answer every question the teacher posed, as if he were desperate to prove that he was good enough to be in this class despite coming in halfway into the year. Though he waited to be called on each time, his voice was loud and rough, like his average volume was a yell. His answers were usually correct, though they only brushed the surface of any given topic.
During lunch, he accepted a lunch invitation from a few of their classmates and asked if his brother could join them. When they returned after lunch, they were all smiling and laughing like old friends. They left together after the last bell as well.
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Lan Zhan's extra lesson that night was for the band. Their teacher was Master Yu, who was a lover of traditional instruments. There were plenty of students who played modern, more western instruments as well, but Master Yu always paid more attention to the students playing traditional music and gave them lots of solos.
They ran through their warm ups as a group – a cacophonous time – and then Master Yu directed them to a piece of music that they were to perform at a concert in two weeks. A guqin solo was the central piece.
Lan Zhan held his hands lightly over the strings, waiting. When the rest of the instruments fell away in silence, he began to gently pluck at the strings, drawing slow, sad notes into the air. The solo would pick up, become a fast, running pace, like water cascading over a waterfall, but for now it was a steady stream. Just as Lan Zhan reached the point in the solo where the water hit rocks and became choppy, there came—
A high note.
Head snapping up, Lan Zhan saw a boy standing at the edge of the stage who had not been there at the start of the solo. He had short hair, like most kids in their year, but with bangs long enough to trail into his eyes. In his hands, still held to his lips, was a dizi.
"Excuse me," Master Yu began, sounding irate. The boy paid him no mind, instead lifting a challenging eyebrow at Lan Zhan. So impertinent. Fine. Challenge accepted. "What do you think you're—"
They were off. The guqin played fast, notes overlapping each other, the sound growing, growing, like the water approaching the fall. The dizi jumped and played like a fish in the stream, mingling with the water, making a splash, racing toward the edge. The boy wandered closer to Lan Zhan as he played, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. Lan Zhan held his gaze as their playing reached a fervor, both the river and the fish rocketing over the edge of the falls. Together they paused, an instant of silence, and then the duet began again, slower. A quiet spring at the base of the waterfall, a single fish swimming quietly within, barely making a ripple.
The music petered out. Lan Zhan removed his fingers from the guqin. The boy lowered the flute from his lips. The auditorium was silent. And still they held each other's eyes.
"How dare you barge in on a practice without so much as an introduction—,"
"Ah! Sorry, sorry!" the boy interrupted, turning and giving Master Yu a bow. "I'm a transfer student. Wei Ying. I just arrived today. I was hoping to get a seat as a dizi player."
Master Yu blustered at the interruption and how outspoken this boy was. Internally, Lan Zhan was not much better.
Wei Ying? His Wei Ying? Could it be?
"I am furious!" Master Yu shouted, thrusting a finger into the air as he scowled. Then he pointed at Wei Ying so hard that Lan Zhan expected him to feel it, even with a dozen feet between them. "And I will be even more furious if you don't agree to a duet with our illustrious Lan Zhan in our next performance."
Lan Zhan held his breath, praying. It was silly. A duet would not guarantee that Wei Ying stuck around. He was a transfer student and not likely to leave the school any time soon. And yet it felt like, if Wei Ying turned down a duet with him…he would never see Wei Ying again
Wei Ying was already giving another overly deep bow. "Absolutely!" He beamed over at Lan Zhan, still sitting behind his guqin at center stage. "I would be honored to play with Lan Zhan."
Lan Zhan's ears were burning.
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Play together they did. During practice. After school. They mimed it during breaks spent together. Never the same song, but always, always a duet. And Lan Zhan could hear each one in his head as if they had prepared beforehand, when in fact no one had ever played such music before.
Wei Ying always laughed when they were done. "How do you know me so well already?" he teased.
Lan Zhan still studied most of the time. It was something even Wei Ying said was boring. But Wei Ying didn't think he was cold or haughty. Wei Ying invited him out to lunch with other students and was the only person not surprised when he accepted.
He was still loud and boisterous and had entirely too much energy, but he was also still smart and kind and funny. He attended study groups with Lan Zhan, though he complained loudly before and after about how boring they were and constantly tried to get Lan Zhan to skip. They never skipped.
"Oh, Jiang Cheng? He's my brother," Wei Ying told him over dinner together before band one day. A shrug. "Well, adoptive brother, but we're as close as real brothers."
"Adopted?" Lan Zhan asked. "Him or you?"
Wei Ying pointed at himself with his chopsticks. "You remember, right? That day I was called out of class?" He frowned. "There had been an accident involving my parents. They didn't make it."
Heart aching, remembering how he felt when his mother passed away, Lan Zhan reached out to hesitantly cover Wei Ying's hand with his own. That earned him a smile.
"Thank you, Lan Zhan. But I'm fine. I promise." He used his free hand to wave at nothing over his shoulder. "I was adopted by Uncle Jiang and got Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli as my new siblings, and they're great." He put his free hand over Lan Zhan's, now held between both of Wei Ying's. "I'm okay."
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For five years, Lan Zhan and Wei Ying were inseparable. They weren't in the same classes, but they did the same extracurriculars. They ate lunch together almost every day – with or without other students. If there was an event happening on one of their days off, Wei Ying was likely to invite Lan Zhan to it. And Lan Zhan was likely to accept.
As much as Wei Ying and his brother were known to be a pair, with students fawning over them as they came to school and practically begging to be their friends, Wei Ying and Lan Zhan were an anomaly. Just having Wei Ying at his side did not make other students start to like Lan Zhan all of a sudden. While he did gain a few friends through the association, most students still muttered behind his back about his cold expressions and boring life of study. They mattered less and less as the years went by, as Lan Zhan made a few friends, as he spent time with Wei Ying.
They attended the same high school together – though again never with the same classes. They went to movies together, to festivals, to karaoke bars, even to the pool or the park. It wasn't exactly a surprise when people started suspecting they were dating.
"We're not dating," Lan Zhan said, before his brother could finish forming even a single word. They were sharing a meal together while he brother was home during a break from college.
Lan Xichen smiled at him. "Perhaps not," he agreed. "But you wish you were, don't you?"
As usual, his brother was right. Lan Zhan desperately wished he and Wei Ying were dating. He wished that Wei Ying felt for him the way he felt for Wei Ying. He wanted to hold hands, to kiss, to sleep together, and to sleep together.
"What if I tell him…and he rejects me?"
Shaking his head, Lan Xichen said, "You and Wei Ying know each other, better than anyone I've ever met. If he rejected you, the world itself would end."
With his brother's words to reassure him, Lan Zhan went to school the next day planning a confession. At lunch break, he all but marched to Wei Ying's classroom, a prepared speech rattling around in his head. Except he found Wei Ying sitting with his face in his hands instead of smiling with a cheery greeting.
"Wei Ying?"
Wei Ying jolted in his desk, his hands slamming down on the desktop, covering the paper there. "L-Lan Zhan! Good—Good Afternoon!"
Lan Zhan sat in the unoccupied desk beside Wei Ying. "What's on the paper?"
"You see everything, huh?" Wei Ying stared at the paper dejectedly for several seconds, then held it out for Lan Zhan to take.
It was a letter from the university where Lan Zhan would be attending next year. Lan Zhan had gotten his acceptance letter a few days ago as well. At first Lan Zhan didn't understand why Wei Ying was so despondent about such a thing, and then he actually looked at the letter.
"This is—"
"I know," Wei Ying moaned, flopping forward onto his desk. Speaking into his arms, he said, "I studied so hard, and even submitted that song we performed at the winter festival together." He looked at Lan Zhan over his arm, his eyes wet but not crying. "Sorry, Lan Zhan."
It was a rejection letter. They wouldn't be attending university together. But that was okay! Plenty of people attended different universities but kept in touch, stayed together. There were a dozen other colleges Wei Ying could attend in the same city or nearby.
Wei Ying pulled a second letter from his bag and handed it over to Lan Zhan. This one was an acceptance letter. To a college across the country.
"Aunt Yu and Uncle Jiang insisted," Wei Ying muttered, staring at the floor. Again, "I'm sorry, Lan Zhan."
Though his chest ached, like someone was squeezing his heart far too tightly, Lan Zhan shook his head. "There's…no need for apologies." When Wei Ying lifted his eyes, Lan Zhan shook his head again. "I understand. I'm not angry."
He was devastated.
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Nine years since graduation. Six and a half years since the texts and calls between him and Wei Ying had dwindled and stopped. Distance was a hell of a relationship killer.
It was mostly Lan Wangji's fault. Wei Ying was usually the one to start conversations, to send silly messages or call Lan Wangji to complain about a class or anything at all. It made sense that someone would grow tired of always being the one to reach out. One day, when it had been over a week since Wei Ying had contacted him, Lan Wangji tried calling him instead.
"The number you have dialed is not in service."
Six years since Lan Wangji had played the guqin.
His university was upset at him for dropping out of the orchestra program, but they didn't understand. If Wei Ying was not around to listen to him practice, to play duets with, to compose songs for, then Lan Wangji had no desire to keep playing.
Instead, Lan Wangji graduated and became a teacher of music. In classes of one to five people, he taught them to play guqin or piano or to read and compose music. Teaching would never make him rich – like his uncle wished he would be – but it was rewarding and he enjoyed it. He never truly played the guqin in those lessons, though. A note here, a scale there, but mostly he guided his student's hands and they played for him. He couldn't bring himself to play on his own.
To avoid his uncle's disappointment, and to prove to himself that he was capable of living on his own, without his brother or father, Lan Wangji moved out of the city where he had grown up, attended university, and where most of his family lived. He still lived in a big city, but it was several hours away from his uncle by car or train.
Now nearing thirty, Lan Wangji was content with his life as it was. He taught classes. He raised bunnies. He ate at a different café every Thursday for lunch.
Since moving into his own apartment, Lan Wangji had tried to find Wei Ying, but had had no luck. Likely, he had started using his courtesy name for things just like Lan Wangji had, so there was no internet presence for 'Wei Ying.' Once Lan Wangji's father had named him 'Wangji' on his twentieth birthday, everyone he had frequent contact with used that name instead of 'Zhan,' except for Wei Ying. Wangji had never told Wei Ying his courtesy name. And Wei Ying had never shared his either.
At the time, Lan Wangji had reveled in Wei Ying being the only one to still call him 'Lan Zhan' and at the idea that he was the only one to still call Wei Ying 'Wei Ying.' Now he cursed his lack of knowledge.
Though he no longer formally played an instrument, music played constantly in Lan Wangji's head. He composed songs in his mind yet never wrote them down. They were all for one person – and that person wasn't there.
The composition he came back to most often was one that he had composed back before he and Wei Ying stopped talking to each other, which he had named Zhiyin. It was sad and longing, because he and Wei Ying were so far apart. But it was also hopeful. Even if they were far apart physically, if they kept talking, if they kept messaging each other, if they could meet up from time to time, then that was okay. They were still playing the same melody, still singing out the same duet.
Until they weren't.
Still the song played in his mind all the time. Still he remained, longing but hopeful. And maybe it was because his instrument of choice had been the guqin, or maybe it was because he was sad, or maybe he was always waiting for Wei Ying to play the accompaniment, but the song in his head was always full of low notes.
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It was Thursday and Lan Wangji was at a new café that had opened in his area. Everything on the menu was plant-based and the name of the café was, simply, 'Plant.' The menu had several options with a spicy symbol next to them that reminded Lan Wangji of Wei Ying, and he wondered if Wei Ying would like those meals or if he would think them too bland. Lan Wangji was merely drinking tea and enjoying a lentil and veggie bowl.
The reminder of Wei Ying had Zhiyin playing in his head once more. One of the notes sounded off in his mind and Lan Wangji frowned. Forgetting his own music was not acceptable, least of all that song.
He began to hum the music aloud, to remind himself what it sounded like. Slow and steady, the notes rising and falling, asking a question. Lan Wangji didn't hear the door to the café open or shut, but he did hear the whistling.
A high note.
It was the exact note to continue the song Lan Wangji was humming, but that wasn't all. Against all odds and all logical possibility, the whistler continued the song, playing a perfect accompaniment to Lan Wangji's quiet humming.
When the song was over, Lan Wangji slowly turned toward where the whistling had come from. There, standing in line to order, was Wei Ying. His hair was long, falling between his shoulder blades in a low ponytail, but other than that he looked almost exactly the same as he had a decade ago.
His chair scraped across the floor with an awful noise, but Lan Wangji didn't notice. He was standing, staring openly at the miracle across the room. The sound drew attention though and suddenly Lan Wangji found himself under Wei Ying's curious gaze.
Wei Ying's eyes narrowed, then widened. "Lan Zhan?" he asked in a shout, then covered his mouth when other patrons glared at him. He mimed for Lan Zhan to wait, then scurried forward to order his food with the cashier. Lan Wangji sat, though he felt like he would vibrate out of his skin at any time.
Only a minute later, Wei Ying crashed into the chair opposite Lan Wangji. "Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan!" Wei Ying cheered. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"
"You have?" Lan Wangji asked, his heart in his throat. Wei Ying had been searching for him too?
Wei Ying nodded vigorously. A pout. "Aiya, my phone got run over by a bus and even the store couldn't pull anything off it once I got a new one. I even tried visiting you after graduation. But you moved away! That explains why I never ran into you before." He sighed, a happy sound. "But this means you live in my neighborhood, right? Right?"
A nod. "I live around here."
"Ahhh," Wei Ying let out. "That's perfect. That means we can hang out again. Be friends again."
"Mm." Lan Wangji gave a small smile. "I'm glad. I missed you, Wei Ying."
Wei Ying beamed at him.
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It wouldn't be until a month later that Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian would play Zhiyin as a duet, officially – after Lan Wangji took up practicing the guqin once more. With the two parts combined, Lan Wangji's feelings were on clear display. The feelings that had always been there, that would not go away. The feelings that only grew as he learned more and more about Wei Wuxian. They danced in the air with every note, crossing the distance between himself and Wei Ying as easily as the music they played.
And Wei Wuxian reciprocated those feelings. He played his heart into the music as readily as Lan Wangji. And when the music faded away, he lowered his dizi and asked, "Lan Zhan, what's the name of this song?"
Lan Wangji's answer of, "Zhiyin," earned him a very enthusiastic kiss, which he gladly returned.
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"Why me, though?" Wei Wuxian asked one day, shortly after they got together. "Out of everyone in the world, why would you want someone like me?"
Lan Wangji reached out and pulled Wei Wuxian into a firm but gentle hug. Into his ear, he whispered, "It could be no one else but Wei Ying. You have always known me. Known the melody of my heart."
Wei Wuxian clutched Lan Wangji tighter. From the heat coming off him and the tone of his voice, Lan Wangji knew Wei Wuxian was blushing. "Lan Zhan! You—! I—! Same. It's the same from me to you!" And then he groaned and buried his face further into Lan Wangji's shoulder as if to hide.
In Lan Wangji's life, things were not perfect. He and his uncle would never see eye-to-eye. There were bills to pay and unruly students to deal with. Traffic backed up, the news was always talking about some new tragedy. But Lan Wangji had Wei Wuxian and that was more than enough. Lan Wangji was more than okay.
His life might play low notes sometimes, but he always had the high notes of Wei Wuxian to look forward to. He was happy.
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fin
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