Mari & Ilna: What can I say? I'm enjoying this adventure every bit as much as I was on day one. Maybe more.
REAL Worlders-thanks for all the enthusiastic support. You guys are the best.
Circles (1/1)
When Steve arrived at the condo after work to pick up the children Elizabeth and Joseph reported that DJ, who was normally eager to talk about everything that had happened at school that day, had been somewhat quiet and withdrawn since they picked him up. He'd eaten his snack, finished his homework, and even spent some time playing with his sister, all without his usual smile in place.
When they asked him if everything was ok he insisted it was and they decided it was best not to push him to talk before he was ready.
He remained quiet on the ride to the beach house and all through dinner. After the dishes were cleared Steve asked DJ to accompany him on a walk up the beach. After about 10 minutes of walking they took a seat just out of the reach of the lapping waves on the cool, damp sand.
At first DJ seemed reluctant to discuss his day so Steve talked a bit about his until the young boy seemed ready to say what was on his mind.
"You know my friend Donovan from my class?" DJ asked.
Steve nodded.
"His mommy and daddy are getting a divorce." DJ hugged his knees to his chest. "His daddy is moving to New York for a new job." The young boy's eyes clouded over with sadness for his friend. "That's far away."
"Yes, it is," Steve agreed.
DJ bit his lip then asked in a voice barely above a whisper, "That isn't going to happen to our family, is it?"
"Never," Steve replied without a second's hesitation. He held out his arms and DJ crawled into his lap. "Your mommy and I love you and Angie more than anything in the world and we would never leave you."
DJ's welled up with tears. "Even if you didn't love each other anymore?"
The look of fear in DJ's eyes struck Steve like a punch in the gut. It was a look he knew all too well. He'd seen it in the mirror many times during the early stages of his relationship with Catherine. Having felt love, and experienced its transformative powers, the idea that it might all be gone one day was terrifying to someone who knew what living without it felt like.
Steve hugged his son tight and they sat in silence for a few seconds while he tried to figure out the best way to reassure DJ. He wanted to make sure to discuss things at an age appropriate level so as not to overwhelm the young boy with talk of marital breakdowns and children shuttling back and forth between parents that no just shy of 7-year-old should have to deal with.
But that was the problem.
DJ wasn't a typical almost 7-year-old. He'd been through a lot in his young life and knew more about fear and violence and loss and loneliness than any child his age should. The reassurances that would work for a child who had been loved and nurtured their whole lives wouldn't work with DJ.
Steve took a deep breath, considered his next words carefully, then spoke.
"I have been in love your mommy since the first day I met her," he said. "And I will love her until my last day on this earth and beyond. And I am the luckiest man in the world because I know your mommy feels the same way about me. But even if something happened between us like it did between Donovan's parents, which it won't ever, your mommy and I both love you and Angie and neither one of us would ever be far away from you."
DJ took a minute to consider his father's words. "I really love our family." His bottom lip started to tremble. "I just get scared sometimes."
Steve pushed down the lump in his throat. "About what?"
Tears rolled down DJ's cheeks. "That I'll have to go live somewhere else and I don't want that to happen because I love you and Mommy and Angie. But my first parents left and I went with my grandma and then she left and I went with Aunt Julia and Uncle Carl and I didn't like any of those places but I love my new family and I don't want to leave."
Steve hugged DJ as tight as he could and rocked him gently. "You are never going to have to leave, and Mommy and I are never leaving. I promise."
DJ pulled back slightly and looked at his father. "I know you'd never break a promise."
Steve kissed the young boy's forehead. "Never."
The fear in DJ's eyes subsided slightly but the remaining uncertainty Told Steve he had to go further. He needed to let DJ see his more vulnerable side in order to help his son deal with his own fears.
He took a deep fortifying breath.
"When I first met your mommy, I was scared too. Aunt Mary was living with Aunt Deb and Grandpa John was back in Hawaii and I was alone at the naval academy. The reasons have to do with a lot of grown up things that we'll talk about someday but aren't important now. What matters is I wasn't sure I deserved to be loved."
The spark of recognition he saw flash in his son's eyes made it clear that the situation with his friend's parents had brought back some of DJ's fears that he wasn't worthy of love and happiness which had been instilled by his various caregivers during his earliest years. Their family therapist had let him and Catherine know this was normal for a child with DJ's past and had given them several ideas for how to reassure the young boy and help him get past the uncertainty.
"I was scared," Steve admitted.
DJ's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Yes, really." Steve kissed the top of DJ's head. "And then I met your mommy and I was even more scared. Because I love her so much and I was afraid she wouldn't love me back or that she'd change her mind and I'd lose her, and I didn't think I'd be able to stand that."
"What did you do?" DJ asked, hanging on every word.
Steve smiled softly then reached his hand out to the damp sand in front of them.
"This was me." He drew a circle in the sand. "And this was mommy." He drew another circle beside the first. "Your mommy is amazing. She loves me and stood by me and always cheered for me. She made me feel like I wasn't alone. She was smart, and sweet, and kind, and tough, and beautiful. Just like she is now. She tried everything she could think of to convince me I deserve love but I was too scared. And stubborn." He shook his head. "So I stayed over there in my own circle."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, turns out your mommy is stubborn too. And when she loves someone, she never ever gives up on them." Steve drew a bigger circle that encompassed both of the smaller ones. "She just made her circle bigger so we both fit inside it."
A small sparkle began to replace the fear in DJ's eyes. "Mommy's smart."
"She sure is." Steve smiled. "Once I was inside her circle, she introduced me to Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma Ang." He drew three more small circles in the sand. "And they invited me into their circle."
"Because they love you like Mommy!"
Steve's smile grew. "That's right. They welcomed me into their family and before I knew it I was surrounded by people who love me. And you know what?"
Steve waited until DJ's eyes met his. "Having people who love you, and who you can love in return, is the very best feeling there is. Your mommy and I love you, DJ. Now and forever. We're a family and together we can face anything."
DJ smiled his first genuine smile since he got home from school. "I love you, Daddy."
"I love you too, buddy. I know sometimes things that happened in the past can sneak up on you and make you feel scared or unsure. If that happens I want you to promise to talk to Mommy or me, okay?"
"I promise." DJ nodded adamantly then asked, "Can we draw my circle? And Angie's?"
Steve drew Angie's circle right beside his and Catherine's. Then he drew DJ's just outside the circle and enlarged it to include to DJ.
"I'm just like you, daddy! I started outside the circle then it grew and now I'm inside!" DJ seemed thrilled by the notion that Steve was once an outsider like him.
Someday he'd understand the complicated McGarrett family dynamic, but that wasn't important today. All that mattered was they continued to reassure him he was safe and loved and always would be.
"Can we draw Uncle Danny and Grace?"
Steve obliged then smiled as he enlarged their circle to include his. "Gracie and Danno made me part of their circle first, then as soon as they met Mommy they added her." He drew the line accordingly.
Over the next few minutes they drew circles for Aunt Mary, Uncle Aaron, Joan, Aunt Carrie, Uncle John, the Allens, Chin and Leilani, Kono and Adam, Esther and Kamekona, the governor and her family, and various other island friends. When they were finished Steve drew one big circle that surrounded them all.
"We have a big family, don't we, Daddy?" DJ asked happily.
"We sure do!" Steve wiped the sand off his shorts. "What do you say we head home and see what Mommy and Angie are up to?"
DJ took Steve's hand and as they headed home he began chattering away happily about his upcoming birthday party. As they approached the house they saw Catherine and Angie sitting on the deck floor drawing pictures with chalk.
As they got closer Angie pointed to the picture she was drawing. "DJ! Look. Is Cammie!"
"That's great." He smiled at the multi-colored drawing which appeared to have five legs and two tails. "It really looks like her."
"I love you, Angie," DJ said as he hugged his little sister.
"Wuv 'oo," Angie replied.
"I love you, Mommy," DJ said as he wrapped his arms around Catherine.
"I love you too," she said as she returned the hug.
She tilted her head and looked over DJ's shoulder at Steve. He just smiled and using their well-tuned silent communication let her know their son was ok.
Angie beamed. "DJ d'aw!"
The now happy 6-year-old picked up a piece of chalk and smiled. "Just one thing first." He took a few steps back and drew a large circle around all four of them.
Catherine looked at Steve with a questioning expression and he mouthed, 'I'll explain it later' as he pulled out his phone to take a picture.
"Now we're ready for anything, right, Daddy?"
Steve took a seat and grabbed a piece of chalk. "You got that right, buddy."
THE END
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