She grabbed her phone, knowing her days are now numbered, she just needs to do it. She needs to leave something behind. Why do everyone insist I get married... I just can't.
Day One: Before today, my family found out I didn't want to marry. I couldn't marry. I just couldn't. To marry someone, everything has to be right with you. Head to toe but I'm not. I can't say why either because I'm scared to say it. This feeling I have today frightens me, the idea of killing myself scares me but I have no other choice. For someone who loves the idea of having their own family, can no longer ever happen. I wish I tried. I wish I realized earlier than later then maybe I wouldn't have to take this step. I'm so sad. Why did it have to happen to me? Why. I just want to be happy and happy. But my eyes hurt knowing the truth and how foolish I am. Sometimes I wish there was such thing as reincarnation then I'd wish to be flower. While it blooms beautiful, it starts to rot and wither away. I never really bloomed beautifully so I do want to wish that at least. I hear fireworks right now. Dying is scary. I'm scared. By the way, I watching a korean show now.
Day 2: I woke up thinking I have nothing that I can offer. My body will always be an obstacle. I thought I'd feel better when I get up but even my dream turned into a nightmare. So it seems though I was right. Too scared to die but even more scared to live. I have to though, don't I? I wonder what next year would be like... I can no longer be in the emptiness of my six walls.
Day 3: Woke up with my brother saying I'm wasting away. I'm useless. Just made the decision saying yes. In all honesty I feel bad for him and I wish this marriage doesn't end on a bad term but a happy one. Look at me, wishing to end a relationship when it didn't even start. I went ahead with marriage... I wonder what will happen after but... Im gonna be happy until my wedding day. Only then it will be decided if I am worthy enough to live.
Day 4: I should've told him because it will affect our future.. What should I do? I'm so confused...
Day 5: I will focus on the now and worry about the future then.
Day 6: That uneasiness feeling won't go until after marriage... But that doesn't mean it'll get better as no one can predict the future.
Day 7: I just passed a screening interview and now have a group interview tommorow. I kept thinking and came to conclusion to tell him when we meet each other. I'll tell them to let us talk alone and then I'll tell him. If after hearing what I say, he wants to marry then I'll trust him... But... If he rejects me. I'll go a head with the plan. I haven't been feeling well lately. This month will be busy and next month.
Day 8: I'm still troubled and confused. I decided what I need to do but why do I still hesitate (forgot how spell 'esitate')... I still want to live and I'm struggling to find reasons to... Everyone still needs me but I don't need them... Is that being selfish?
Day 9: I keep looking at myself and it's harder to even love myself. If I can't, then how can expect anyone will. I keep thinking about the future and it terrifies me. I feel like it will end on a bad note and I don't want to ruin someone else 's life because of it. I'm still living because I need my family to be okay when I do go. My sisters... They will need more love than ever after I go and I'm afraid no one will give them that. Which makes me want to stay alive even if I go through hardships. At least I have them and they have me... I just want them to be happy. They aren't happy living in a family like this so I want to encourage them to go out in world and explore. People say this is a small world, well it is small if you think like that or otherwise it's a huge world that needs to be explored and remembered.
Day 10: What's done is done! I need to move forward. Life is all about challenges and how we face them. My heart is not strong enough just yet but I've dealt with tougher situations... One thing I do hope is while I give my hundred percent, he gives the same. I'm relying on him so much when he doesn't know.
Day 11: I started to talk to him... My heart feels heavy. My hearts pounding and I really don't want it to hurt. I haven't told him... It isn't something that could be said so easily but at this rate it'll be too late and the what ifs are plaguing my mind. What should I do?
Day 12: It's 0109, "die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die..."
Day 13: It's weird... My feeling to die and not to die. I want to grow old... Married, divorced, single whatever... Everyone doesn't know but that doesn't mean they should be the reason for me to die. Of course I'll feel upset, frustrated, disappointed in myself but in the end of the day, I'm Nami and this is my life. No life is easy, it's all about your struggles and how you overcome it. I hope that when I face something bad, I face it with my head held high and be unbreakable. I got my letter today, just need to sign and send it to them... Ah finally got a job even if it's temporary, I'll do my best!
Day 14: I saw my friends briefly for a video chat and I got see them again. I don't know what's going to happen now... Will it be our last time seeing each other... I actually wish them the happiest life and successful life. May Jesus not bless them with my life.
Day 15: A date... I decided to die. It's not a special day but another day for many. I'll try my best to make everyone happy until then. I'll try my best to make them not miss me so much. I'll try to find reasons to live for them. I'll try at least.
Day 16: Happy Birthday Robin3 What a day today was. I was in the shower when I heard Carrot screaming for mom. Dad was also shouting. I don't know what happened but Nojiko was involved. Well, I'm listening to dad's taunts and to be honest, he really has no shame. Always bringing up mom and her life before marrying him. Always insulting her, trying his best to discourage her, making her feel like she's the bad guy for raising us horribly. No one will ever be able to get through his thick head. Unfortunately, this won't change and I'm almost certain, it won't change even after I do die. It is quite funny. How he always talks about Jesus , praying, reading the bible and yet, he is a terrible husband and father. I remember the time I used to tell mom that I love dad but as I grew up, I realised what kind of a person he is. And he is the kind that no women in this generation, will marry or will tolerate. But mom has and I can't help but think how she ruined her life marrying a man like him. I always told mom that even if she hadn't married him, we would have still been born but in another body. I don't know if she remembers or if what I say is true but I'd like to think that. Mom. Mommy... I'm sorry. I wish I was a better daughter to you. Mom, my heart hurts. Mom, take care of everyone. Mom, I'm sorry.
Day 17: LOL When someone finally turns off the hot water when not needed, dad still complains about it.
Day 18: My heart still continues to waver but then I remember why and it just makes everything harder. I know after my death, my sisters are going to have a tough time. I just want them to look out for each other and care for each other. And not dream bad things for each other. I want them to be happy. No one is truly happy if not shared with people. "Rather than showing her scars to stay honest, lying with a bright smile on her face, felt safer to her..."
Day 19: "I don't want to get married, I just want to be a bride."
Day 20: I still feel weary. I know now everyone will be fine even I'm gone... Is that why I'm second guessing myself? I know where and when I want to die but which way do I go? It's confusing.
"Anyone can make you smile but no one can make you happy"
"When I am finally done, I'll just leave; no fight, no arguments and no good bye"
"I'm chaos to your thoughts but you are poison to my heart"
Today we were supposed to go out but he got sick...
Day 21: Almost happy new year... I would have killed myself if I haven't got that job in Shakky's Rip-off Bar... They are such nice folks, I feel bad misleading them but that just how it is... I should've just gone now and go far away.
Day 22: Looks like plans changed, might leave this world earlier... It's too soon and I'll regret not meeting Robin and my friends at least once... I'm sorry guys.
Day 23: Nope... Gotta have some money first, haha.
Day 24: Ah crap... Tomorrow I have to buy the wedding dress... What are the chances I get ill!?
Day 25: Don't think I'm ready yet... There's 99% for it to south but just that 1% is what I'm relying on. Honestly I want to give my best in this wedding preparations even if it's fake. Bought that wedding dress ... Everyone especially Robin is making so much effort for me, it makes me not want hurt them by dying. I'll hurt them regardless but at least I'll still be alive... Merry Christmas
Day 26: Help.
Day 27: Four more days... What I am going to do now... Should I keep going or should I disappear... Everyone will hate me for sure even if I stay alive... I know.
Day 28: Sigh. I blame RoHye. That korean show I'm watching called Extraordinary You. I love it! Ahaha!
Day 29: I still blame RoHye. I think they are dating. I'm scared now what if they don't work out? But they might not... Ya man... Look at me, at 24 and I'm fan-girling like a teenager.
Day 30: No! I HAVE TO. I'm doing it tommorow. I'll leave at ten where the night will be cold and tranquil.
Day 31: I'm wearing a black velvet skirt, with a red turtle neck. I've put on red lipstick on and made sure I have shaved. Keke. So my last diary entry... My deepest secret will now be drowned with me. Happy New Year.
Tranquil, my ass. In a distant, fireworks goes BOOM left and right. Ha. I probably wanted this. To die on a memorable day so everyone and anyone would remember the day Nami dies. I shook my head, no they wouldn't.
I silently stared at the moon shining upon the dark sea and smiled. I hoped for a good next life where I'm not scared of the word no, where I keep walking on a straight line, where I have no regrets, where I can live a full life... Where I can have babies.
I slowly walked and swam has I slowly could. My tears wouldn't stop shedding.
I was really going to do it.
I look up to the sky and stared at the silver moon.
Even the moon is not so proud.
I closed my eyes.
How can it? When the moon is scarred.
And I was engulfed in the sea filled with agony and regrets.