I'm baaaack
After writing my first ff, I thought that my next piece would be in a Faith in Me writing style, but a one shot idea came and I had to explore the potential of it. And as my iconic-self, which was at first a one shot became a two chapters story.
So, this ff is inspired by one of my favorite Fifty Shades scene and I thought why not make it a Darvey scene...
Before diving in, I want to thank my betas that were absolutely awesome. So thank you Prathama, Gab and Fran for your support and my fairy Elle without whom this story will not be understanable. Love you girls!
Have a nice time while reading this.
- Love, Sahra
When the heart don't know what to do
Chapter One : One Truth
The last few months have been a storm of change for everyone. Louis became managing partner, Donna broke up with her boyfriend, Harvey began to fight with everyone, and Samantha and Katrina started working on a three million dollar case. Each one was in the middle of a personal-professional crisis.
However, this new week, things were getting better. Louis and Harvey started to see eye to eye, Samantha and Katrina finally won the huge trial, but Donna was still not over her break up.
.
Josh was an economics professor at NYU. They met during a cold, summer night. Donna was heading back to her apartment, but decided to enter a bookstore to buy a Siri Hustvedt book, A Woman Looking at Men Looking at Women. She was browsing through the books when a man approached her and began to explain that she chose a really good book. They spoke about the literature, work, life. Then, one thing led to another and what started as a one night stand became a three month relationship.
Josh arrived at the perfect time for Donna, she needed a distraction from her life. After Paula's scandal, the departure of Rachel and Mike, and the war between Samantha and Alex at Zane Specter Litt, he gave her just that.
He was gentle, smart, always there to listen to her and she had to admit that it was so pleasant to be the one to speak and not to listen. During those months of dating she was on a little cloud, plus she succeeded in hiding her feelings for Harvey.
But now the dream was over, they came to the end of their relationship because of full schedules, fast dating, and too many differences.
Even if it was a short relationship, Donna became attached to him. It was so great to spend time with him, but deep in her heart she knew that this new break-up broke a little more of her confidence for finding true love one day.
.
So, tonight was the perfect time for everyone to escape from reality and celebrate a well-done victory.
They chose a nice restaurant in Upper East Side, Café Carlyle, to have some drinks and maybe partying, regarding the degree of alcohol.
It's been weeks since Harvey noticed the change in Donna's behaviour. He didn't want to ask her why, figuring she'd tell him if she wanted to. He was intrigued and sad because those few months, they drifted apart and he was clueless as to why. She was his best friend and favourite person on Earth. The fact that he kept hurting her during the last few years was something Harvey felt guilty about. He thought that this night would be the perfect excuse to try to reconnect with her, hopefully.
They arrived at Café Carlyle at 7pm and directly started to have drinks. Conversations were going well, Katrina, Samantha and Donna on one side, Louis, Harvey and Alex on another.
"So, Donna, how is the Josh case going?" asked Samantha, seeing Donna drinking more than talking.
"Well at first I thought it was just a little break, but we definitely broke up, there is no going back together," she said while taking a long sip of her whiskey.
"Are you sure?"
"We are not made for each other. I liked him but not as much as I thought. He was just a really nice distraction."
"So why this sad mood these past couple of days then?" Katrina asked prudently, not wanting to overstep but still wanting to show support to her friend.
"I don't really know." By the way she said it, the girls understood that it was better if this subject was closed.
Donna knew she was lying but even with a little bit of alcohol running through her veins she didn't want to show how sad and vulnerable about herself she was. Being always in control of her emotions and reactions was a Donna thing but, in those moments, where some fences were falling, it was difficult to stay fierce. Doubting herself wasn't something she was used to but like everyone it happens.
Lost in her thoughts, she was passively listening to Katrina and Samantha speaking about a societal subject, when she intuitively turned her head on her left to see Harvey looking back at her.
.
He was bored by Louis and Alex's discussion about a case. For Harvey, those last weeks at work were a real pain in the ass, his partner in crime, Mike, left town to run a new firm with his wife at the opposite of the country, in Seattle but also because of Donna who was distancing from him. Thinking about the reasons of what made her stop talking to him, he found himself looking at her. She changed from a long white dress to a short navy-blue dress with ruffles that let see her long legs. He never saw her wear this dress, but he really liked it on her. Navy blue was making her red hair look majestic and the dress was showing the thousand freckles she has on her body.
He started to think about the way she walks like she owns ZSLWW, the way she smiles when she speaks with employees, how he loves having her as company and how he misses those little moments, when she turned her head and their gazes met. During those seconds, they looked into each other's eyes to find answers to endless questions.
Harvey thought it was maybe the perfect time to go speak to her as she thought the same.
He approached his seat next to her, asking the waiter for two Macallan 18.
"What is the occasion?" she asked him.
"There has to be an occasion to drink a good whiskey?"
She looked at him, with an expression saying 'Do you really want to do this, this is our drink, you know it.'
Because yes, it was their drink, their special one. The one Harvey ordered when they first met a night in a bar, fourteen years ago.
Time flies so fast and we are wasting so much time, he thought.
The drinks arrived but instead of having a conversation, they were drinking their respective drinks. Harvey wanted to know, to reconnect with her, so he was the first one to speak.
"So how are you doing?"
"Good." She was surprised to hear him ask about her feelings, something he never had to do since he knows her so well. She wanted to have a casual conversation with him but wasn't ready to talk about any feelings she had, Josh and him involved.
"You seem different…" he dove right in, he wanted to know what was going on with her.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, you look distant, we barely talk this week. Is something wrong?" she could see on his face that he was concerned about her.
"Nothing happened Harvey," she said with a harsh tone.
She didn't want to tell him, she felt guilty.
How could I ask for support when I hid this now-ended-relationship?
She couldn't.
Donna was feeling uncomfortable in this situation, so she decides to do something she never do. Run away.
"Excuse me I need to go to the bathroom; I'll be right back."
.
She stood up and started walking to the bathroom, her legs trembling because of all the emotions. She tried to walk as fast as she can and locked herself in a toilet. She hated herself for letting her feelings and emotions mess with her confident side. She was overwhelmed.
The badass Donna was telling herself to get up, swallow her emotions and spend a good moment with her friends. But the Sensitive Donna that doesn't show up often, was telling her to sink into them. She wanted to have a break to finally let go everything.
Harvey, Josh, work, herself.
Everything.
Goddamnit Donna. Don't forget that you made a promise to yourself, you will not turn you sick for a boy.
Since she was a teenager, she told herself that no man would ever have the right to make her suffer, to make her sad or unhappy. But in this case, it's not a man that makes her feel like this, but two.
Josh was a fun experience. She felt free for a long moment, no complications, just good moments between them and feeling like this was so liberating. She loved how she felt around him, how he was smiling at her, he was nice, calm, caring to her, how he was touching her. And yes, she missed being loved, for a long time, but Josh's love wasn't enough she wanted more. Even more, that he wasn't capable of giving her because someone else could do it. Someone that always has been in a place profoundly hidden in her heart, with the idea that someday it could happen.
Harvey Reginald Specter.
Their first encounter wasn't random. Donna was a young woman that was determined to become an actress. Harvey was a young man determined to become the youngest prosecutor of the New York City District Attorney Office. She did her research on him... a lot. She needed to find the perfect boss, that will give her a job but will also support her actress dream. She saw something in him.
Since then, they became inseparable; even with hidden feelings, the other time, break ups, difficult situations and huge arguments, one wasn't right without the other.
She always was confused about her feelings or non-feelings for him but far in her heart she knew he was the one for her. But what a human reaction than trying to complete the void we have with something similar.
Finally, she managed to calm down and decide to return to him, determined to tell him everything but not without the help of some drinks.
.
He was so confused.
She left him, without an explanation, just him and his guesses. He was really concerned about her. She never acted like this before, and he didn't know why she was acting like this with him.
He lost himself in his thought, drinking his whiskey when he heard a sound.
He turned his head to his right and saw her phone. She was receiving text messages.
He hesitated to look at it.
Who knows if it is urgent?
He didn't even touch the phone and started reading the texts that were coming one by one from a certain Josh.
Hi Donna, I hope you are fine 😊
I wanted to check up on you!
Are you interested in having dinner with me later tonight? I can grab you at the apartment at 11pm to go to that Thai restaurant you love so much...
I know we stopped seeing each other and that I was the one that ended our relationship, but I want to talk about it.
I want to give us another try.
I really like you Donna.
The more he was reading the messages, the more shocked he was...
Then all the pieces came together.
She had a boyfriend.
She hid it from me.
Her behaviour is completely linked to this, she kept it from me, but why?
What the hell is going on?
He was confused, so much thoughts and questions where going in his head.
He started asking what his problem was, because there was definitely one for her to keep that away from him.
.
She left the bathroom with her confident self back, determined to finally tell Harvey the truth. But before joining him, she did a little stop and asked the bartender to give her two shots.
A little help will not hurt me.
After drinking some courage, she started to prepare what she was going to tell him.
Harvey, I need to tell you something. You were right, I wasn't my normal self those last days. I had a boyfriend the last three months but now it's over. I had some trouble recovering from this break-up.
How pathetic am I. I can't tell him that.
.
The two of them were so in their own thoughts they didn't even feel each other's presence.
.
He didn't see her approach him. Too occupied asking himself what he did wrong for her to not tell about this relationship.
"Hey," she said to him, touching his shoulder while sitting back on her chair.
He didn't respond, too focus on the table. He was so concentrated it took him a couple seconds to understand that she was back from her bathroom break.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he didn't even look at her when he spoke, still focusing on murdering the wood table in front of him.
"Tell you what?" she completely forgot about her little prepared speech, she knew something was wrong and she wasn't ready for the fight that was coming.
He touched the screen of her phone making the text messages appear.
"This."
He looked at her.
She saw pain in his eyes.
He was so hurt that she didn't tell him, not because he's jealous but because she's his best friend and he's hers.
"You don't trust me anymore?" determined to know the reason for this hidden secret.
"No, no it's not the reason." But before she could tell him more, he interrupted her.
"So, what is it? Why did you keep that from me Donna?" His tone was a mix of sadness and disappointment.
She didn't see that coming, not at all. She planned to tell him for days but now he will not let her explain because he is hurt, she didn't tell him, that he discovered himself, when it was something he wished he heard from her.
"I didn't want my relationship to be poisoned by work, like the past others," she told him thoughtlessly, rushed by his tone, but regretted it right after because she knew he was going to take it hard. Even though it was true, she didn't want to tell him because she wanted from this relationship to be a calm space away from work and all her problems. Her safe place.
Poisoned by work.
Poisoned by me.
That is what his interpretation was when she told him that.
"Am I just a coworker to you?"
"Of course you are, we have worked together for fourteen years now," she said reactively.
He felt like she had punched him in the gut. He always thought he was her confidant like she was to him but apparently it wasn't.
He drinks the rest of his second glass and orders another one but motions to something stronger.
"Well, I understand now," he said while drinking the glass he'd just been served in one shot.
"You do?" she was surprised... he understood her point of view. But it was a misunderstanding.
"Yeah."
He got out of his chair and walked down the bar to go outside, leaving Donna surprised and confused.
.
It was too much for him. He needed to go outside, breathe fresh air and figure out what to do.
He never had been good with personal stuff, always screwing everything.
Speaking with his heart, being understanding, showing support, he never knew how to do those things. He wished he could, he would have saved himself some scandals, heartbreaks and humiliations.
But mostly with Donna. He never knew how to react in front of her, always making the bad decisions, saying and doing the wrong thing. She is the most important person in his life, but he doesn't know how to take care of her without hurting her.
For years he dreamed of being with her, but he started realizing it was never going to happen because he is not what she wants.
Obviously, he is hurt about this secret relationship and now that he finally understands her last month's behaviour, he is jealous to see that she cared a lot about him regarding the state she is in since her breakup.
It's in those moments when he knows he hurt her, and he hurt himself because of what he did to her, that he thinks about how he would feel if he was with Donna. How it feels to share breakfast in bed, a laugh caused by him, an animated discussion about their favourite movie at night, an in-love-look on him while walking in Central Park. All these things he could have with her if he had the chance to be that lucky man.
The front door suddenly opened, leaking a few words of Stand by Me for Ben E. King.
"As long as you stand by me, stand by me
And darlin', darlin', stand by me"
.
She just stands up a few seconds not knowing if she should follow him or not. She decides to sit back and to wait a little before going talk to him. She asked a martini to the bartender to occupy herself. She didn't want to reply to Josh's texts for now.
It's his behaviour to leave a room with a conversation hanging. but this time it didn't feel right to let him go. They talk about their problems without even talking about it. On one hand, she needed to explain to him everything – the Josh story, why it ended, what she was going to do and why she hid it from him – she felt owing him an explanation and he on the other hand will have to be honest with her and what he feels.
A real piece of cake for this whole story.
"Is everything okay with Harvey?" asked Louis. "I saw you talking and then Harvey left really fast…"
"Don't worry Louis." She didn't want to continue to blow the whole thing away.
"Did you tell him about Josh?"
"He discovered it himself…" showing him the text Josh sent, thirteen minutes ago.
"I was about to tell him, and this came. Now it is more complicated than ever, I don't even know why I wanted to tell him."
Everything is always complicated with him.
But complicated is interesting.
"Because he is your friend and I think that he is the only one you need support from."
"Supporting isn't really his thing"
You just have to remember how he treated me when I was charged with Intent to commit a felony.
"Even if it is not his best quality, his opinion counts a lot for you, and he is the closest person you have, Donna."
The closest person I have.
As she thinks about it harder, she sees that it's completely true, she is closer to Harvey than her own parents. Saying it like that, misinterpretations can be made but it's the truth. She saw Harvey everyday at work, she spent time with him off-work, she was his secretary for thirteen years. She never had a stronger bond than she has with him.
He is her boss, her friend, her best-friend, her confidant; he is her everything.
My life revolves around him.
"I have you all."
"You have us, but you need him. Go talk to him, explain the whole thing and find comfort of his company. I know it's been several weeks since you have had a real talk."
Louis was right, Harvey was the only one not knowing about Josh before tonight, she spoke about him to Katrina, Samantha and Louis, to have their thoughts and advice, but none of them didn't matter or helped her.
"Now go talk to him, it's the right thing to do." He gives her a kiss on the cheek, a sweet and supportive look, and went back to his conversation with Katrina, Samantha and Alex.
She took her time to finish her Martini, like this he will have the time to calm down before the new possible war starts.
On her way to the exit door, she thought about the cold weather outside but instead of going to look for her coat, she took his jacket and put it on her shoulders.
.
He was standing under a lamp-post a few meters from the exit door, lean against the wall, lost in his mind, again.
He turns his head to see who opened the door and it was her. Wearing his jacket to protect herself from the cold temperatures of NYC's nights.
He was wearing only his shirt and vest; his tie was a little loose and the first button of his shirt unbuttoned. The lamp-post's light was illuminating his initials embroidered on the sleeves.
H.S.
He was wearing one of her favourite suits, his Tom Ford navy blue three pieces suit. She loves it because it was the first present she made for him for his birthday and he looked beyond stunning in it. She remembered the feeling she had when she went to Tom Ford and saw this suit. Instinctively, she knew it was it, like she knew it was him the night of their encounter.
Then she saw his watch. A Patek Philippe 5271P-001. She gave it to him four years ago for their ten year anniversary present. She wanted to make a grand gesture and tell him how much she savoured these ten last years. On the back of that expensive watch was written:
Loyalty is a two-way street and I'll always be on it.
Looking at him like this in the dark and windy night, wearing her presents, her heart was beating very fast and some uncatholic thoughts were passing-by in her head.
"What are you doing here?" seeing her coming his way.
"Just checking up on you." She walked until she stopped at his height and leaned against the wall.
"I'm fine. You can go inside now."
He was definitely not in a mood to talk to her.
"Harvey…"
He looked at her, with his eyes saying "Not now, I don't want to hear your moral lessons"
Finally, she decides to not think about what to say but just let her heart speak and tell the truth. She didn't want him to feel rejected, but she knew she needed to explain why she did it.
"I want to stop lying to him"
"I didn't tell you about Josh because after everything we've been through with Paula, I didn't want to repeat our mistakes. I know she felt like I was a third person in your relationship, and I didn't want Josh to feel the same way. We've sabotaged so many love stories because of their insecurities about us. I wanted to see how a relationship without that fear would go. But as you saw, it didn't go well"
He saw the sadness she had in her eyes for weeks now. He knew he needed to be supportive and try to not react like an asshole. She needed his friend and he will be there for her.
"I understand Donna, I really do." He really did, because she was right. Every romance they had was poisoned with the shadow of the other. If he had thought of it, he maybe would have made the same choice.
Finally, this weight she felt for days went away. Louis was right, telling him the truth felt good. She just regretted that even if they are friends she can't speak about those types of things – Josh, her feelings and how complicated her situation with this boy is difficult. They never had those types of conversations before and she thought they never would.
"I'm so sorry that I avoided you these past weeks, I shouldn't have because of all of this." She mean it, she missed him and felt so stupid for rejecting him.
"Don't worry it's already forgotten," he's pleased that she told him the truth and that everything went back how it used to be.
"Thank you, Harvey."
"For what?"
"Understanding my point of view. I'm sorry I hid it from you."
"Stop apologising Donna," he interrupted her
"Are we good?" she said with a smirk.
"We are." He replied with a little smile.
And they stayed like this for a moment, standing at each other side, not speaking, looking at NYC's traffic.
"We should get back inside," Harvey said, breaking the silence between them.
She shivered.
"That's a really good idea," she said while laughing.
They started to walk to the door when Donna felt her phone vibrate, someone was reaching her.
"Harvey I need to take this, I'll meet you inside."
He nodded his head and walked into the bar, leaving her alone...
End of chapter 1.
See you for the next and final chapter. I promise you it's worth it.