Out With Lanterns

by TheRoseShadow21

"Cruelty had turned out not to just be the more obvious things, but the pain of trying to slot into a life that didn't fit." A Rosetum fic, related to 'In This Garden, We Grow'. Rated M for difficult/mature themes.

I may be slightly obsessed with Rosetum. Slightly.

Ahem, anyway. I'd been considering writing more Rosetum fics, relating to my previous one In This Garden, We Grow. Specifically, I was thinking about little stories relating to bringing up Tristan. I still intend on doing that at some point, perhaps the next time I need a short break from my two main ongoing fics. But anyway, then Rae released her cover of 'If~ We Meet Again' and when I discovered it a few days after it'd come out, I started getting ideas based on the short story that was depicting. Many ideas.

I went epilogue style for this story, not only because the timeline is a somewhat similar one to that of In This Garden (indeed, events here run roughly parallel to the ones I depicted there), but also because this was already just over 15400 words before I added the author's notes so it would have spiralled out of control otherwise. Despite knowing it would be long, I wanted to leave it as a one-shot.

This fic has a somewhat darker/sadder tone in comparison to In This Garden, and indeed there are difficult issues touched upon such as mental illness and substance abuse. I have done my best to make sure that I have been sensitive and respectful in my handling these things as possible. Please proceed with caution if you feel this might make reading this story particularly difficult for you.

Anyway, I put a lot into this, so I really do hope anyone reading this enjoys it.

---

"I am out with lanterns, looking for myself."

-Emily Dickinson

---

Woyoo had insisted on clothes being formal for the funeral ceremony. Raeon was of the opinion that this was all well and good if you were the likes of Woyoo, or Nate for that matter, but what about her? But she grudgingly admitted that Han deserved the best send-off he could get, if for no other reason than the fact he'd once been their leader. So she'd dug out a pair of black shorts that looked like a skirt (from a distance while squinting), black boots that didn't have a zillion studs on them, and a dark grey button down shirt, and it hadn't been as uncomfortable as she'd assumed. All the same, she was glad to be out, to be able to unbutton two of the top buttons of said shirt at last.

"You can do what you wish until dinner time, but stay in the building." Woyoo told them, before handing the second copy of Han's memorial plaque and the framed holo of him used for the ceremony to a young girl whose name Raeon had forgotten and likely wouldn't remember.

"Tsuka, please set up Han's space on the shrine. You may use the funeral flowers."

"Very well, sir."

The girl nodded and bowed, taking the plaque and holo. She disappeared down one of the many corridors of the building they called 'home'. Or 'base' really, since none of them were the type who had a home. Woyoo headed straight to his office, and the others with them slowly started to disappear.

"Want a game?" she heard Tarou ask Nate.

"Sure."

Raeon thought of following them. She thought of following one of the others and demanding a spar or something along those lines. She even thought of flouting Woyoo's order and going outside and doing…something else. But instead, she shook her head and strode down the same corridor the young girl had gone down. She had not been to the shrine room in literal years, so embarrassingly, she got herself lost. But helpfully, the girl had left the door open so she was able to instantly spot it when she did find it.

"Don't mind me." Raeon announced as she strode in, leaning against an empty stretch of wall.

The girl jumped, scattering the lilies she had been holding. Raeon couldn't help but smirk as she gasped and scrambled to pick them up, apologising all the while.

"I'm so sorry, Miss."

"Psh, I said, don't mind me. I'm just here to watch."

The girl's forehead puckered slightly as she looked up, but Raeon just shrugged and made a point of leaning as nonchalantly as possible.

"Though." Raeon added as if it were little more than an afterthought. "If you could leave the moment you are done…."

She smiled, just a little, toothy and sharp, making the girl startle as she quickly hopped up again and nodded, squeaking her assent and doing her best to move things along as speedily as possible. There were still a few petals on the floor, but Raeon decided to be nice and not mention them. The poor girl, whose name she'd forgotten despite Woyoo having mentioned it only a few minutes before, already looked absolutely petrified, and she wasn't that evil.

Yes, I am.

The thought was quick and sharp, a single stab of pain that faded quickly but left an echo. She tapped her foot restlessly trying to obscure it while the girl worked, and almost flew across the room once she finally, finally left.

The holo and the plaque had been placed in the middle of the wall, the holo eye-level to her, and the plaque underneath. It was a simple plaque, grey, with the writing engraved in gold. Han Rosa. She traced the letters, wondering if now everyone had their memories, they had picked up on the significance of the second name that he had chosen once of age. She herself had gone for Mori, as in memento mori. If she remembered correctly, Cinn, Koji and Mera had all kept Coram. Probably they would have changed it alongside Han if he hadn't left them. She wondered if they would change it now, to honour him or something like that. As if having been allowed his corpse wasn't enough. It wouldn't bother her if not for the fact that Cinn hadn't recognised her.

She had seen it, realised the moment that everyone's memories had come flooding back, even before they fully knew what the sensations filling their heads actually meant. She had bitten down on her lip hard, to restrain herself from calling out to him-not least because it would have confused things when everyone still referred to him as Enrian-but she'd watched him carefully.

I was your sister once, before this happened to me, she'd told him in that last life. I was your sister, she knew those had been the last words in his head before she'd killed him. But the way he'd reared back from her gaze, even as tears streamed down his face, she knew those words hadn't stuck. Only the actions. It shouldn't have surprised her-this was always how it happened, this was always how things ended for the two of them.

"But you got what you wanted." She told the solemn image staring at her. "You actually listened to what I told you back then and you followed through on it the whole bloody way through…well done. You really did it…"

But what about me? What the fuck about me?

"I still don't know what made you so special, that you would always be more important to him than I'd ever get the chance to be."

Emotion swelled, and Raeon swiped roughly at her eyes with the back of her hand, gasping for breath. In a movie, she'd end up full-on monologue, summarising all her pain with well-thought out words that someone important to her would overhear. Then, that person would have more perfect words to wipe away all her anguish. Or maybe she'd hear Han's voice in her head, reassuring and forgiving her someone with all the omnipotence of the dead, and she'd be able to leave a little lighter knowing that she wasn't truly alone.

Of course, all of that was bullshit.

She didn't want anyone to overhear her and find out the real truth of all this. She had no-one she would want to hear it.

Han was dead, and there was no afterlife. She wouldn't be hearing his voice anytime soon.

But even if she had those things, there simply weren't the words.

There weren't the words.

She glared at the photograph of Han, then turned swiftly on her heel. On an impulse, she bent down, picked up the stray petals, and shoved them in her pocket. Then, she stormed out, telling herself that she'd be glad to finally get these goddamn clothes off.

…

"We're not going after them?"

Tarou's voice reflected the incredulity that everyone else's faces were undoubtedly showing, though Raeon couldn't be bothered to look around at all of them. Just Tarou, Nate and then back at Woyoo, gloriously yet terrifyingly calm.

"No, we're not."

"But what do you think that's going to do for our reputations, exactly? We've already had our leader killed, and taken." Nate pointed out. "Do we not need to fight for our status now more than ever?"

Woyoo shook his head, tapped a slow rhythm on the table. For a moment, Raeon was distracted by it, reminded of a long-ago song. Should, by chance,we pass by each other at the corner of the street…One she'd heard in another life, maybe? With effort, she forced herself to not think of it.

"No, we don't." Woyoo said, still tapping infuriatingly. "Or rather, it is not against Sanguis we need to fight right now. The consequences of Han's actions have left us in a…precarious state. Things are not as we thought they were. Especially for me, and the three of you."

The tapping stopped, which was great because it was already driving Raeon mad, but not so great because now Woyoo was pointing directly at her. Well, at Nate and Tarou too, technically. But also her.

"Ahem, excuse me. I did nothing to them!" she protested.

"Oh come on, really?" Nate said with a raised eyebrow. "This situation is ridiculous, but you can't seriously be saying that."

She glared at him, and at Tarou, thoughtfully nodding alongside him.

"Yes, I can, because it wasn't me. Not me, sitting here right here and now. Eon was another…well, maybe not person, I'll grant you that. But someone else. Not me. I'm Raeon. "

From the looks on Nate's and Tarou's, it rang hollow. She didn't blame them-to her, the words were practically empty. But what else did she have? She looked at Woyoo, who had propped his chin in one of his hands, one of his eyebrows raised, almost perfectly conveying a "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" type sentiment. Which, apart from the lady thing, was perfectly accurate. It was just nowhere near the full story.

Oh, how little you really know.

"It will matter to them, and they'll certainly be blaming the three of you to some extent in particular. I might get off a little easier. All the same, we need to keep away from them."

"What sort of bullshit decision is that?" Raeon growled, leaning across the table threateningly.

"It is my decision, and as acting leader, it is an order." Woyoo returned, eyebrow still raised, perfectly calm.

"Fuck that."

She heard Tarou and Nate both saying her name, caution laced through their voices, but she ignored them, glaring at Woyoo, wanting a reaction of some sort, any sort.

"We have plenty of other matters to tie up, plenty of other rivals to deal with. But do not deal with Sanguis until I give the say-so."

"Does that mean we will be?" Tarou asked.

"Eventually." Woyoo nodded, looking over Raeon's shoulder. "I will need to think of the best strategy-because it is a strategy we need, not another showdown."

"I…I guess that's fair." Tarou conceded. "Come on, Rae."

Raeon growled, shaking off the hand that touched her shoulder. But she had to admit defeat, and eventually she sat back. Woyoo nodded, satisfied.

"Well, since it seems like I have made myself clear, you are all now dismissed."

With that, Woyoo stood up, brushed imaginary dust off of his clothes, and left the room. In frustration, Raeon kicked the table and burst out of her chair, running out of the other door, ignoring Tarou and Nate calling after her.

…

Hearing her door slide open, Raeon sat up, hand instantly reaching out to the sword by her futon. But then she heard the familiar, almost silent footsteps, and she relaxed. Just a little. But instead of honouring their silent agreement and getting up to meet him, she wrapped her blankets around her body and glared into the darkness.

"Fuck off, Nate." She muttered. "I'm not in the mood. "

As soon as the words left her mouth, she froze. Though she never exactly gave agreement, she'd never refused him before. And the two of them were experts in taking by force, if not necessarily from each other. So she held her breath as silently, he slid her door shut, then padded over, oh-so-quietly, little more than a dark shadow.

He stopped at the foot of her futon, and then sat there, crossing his legs. The light from her electric lantern bathed him in flickering purple light, picking out some features but throwing shadows over others. He sighed, ran a hand through his hair, which was now down and then looked directly at her.

"You're going to get yourself killed."

"What?"

All she could do was blink.

"You heard me the first time."

"And you came in here to tell me that?" she asked, snorting. "Hello, have you looked at our lives? What's new?"

"I'm not talking about our lives. I'm talking about you. Behaving the way you are. You were lucky I stepped in for you with Cabbar last week."

"They're still our rivals, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." Nate replied. "But they're the ones victorious at the moment, you know. Don't have to like it, but it's a fact. It's a fool's errand, trying to fight them now."

Raeon just snorted. Nate let out a sigh of irritation.

"I know you don't take me seriously half the time, but come on. Forget Sanguis for a moment, you think Woyoo is going to take your provocation sitting down?"

This was referring to any number of incidents. Like the number of times she'd simply protested against orders and gotten in Woyoo's face while doing so. The meanness she showed Hanako whenever the girl came around, having apparently 'snuck' round to see Woyoo. That one time when she'd gone too far when paired with Woyoo in sparring practise, and Tarou'd had to pull her off and coax her down from the strange, unstable ledge she'd metaphorically found herself on. The backs of her hands were still scarred from that, and it was those scars she looked at now as she considered Nate's words.

"He's the one behaving stupidly over a girl." She muttered.

"It's more than that, and you know it." Nate spoke as if explaining something to a particularly small child. "Other lives, they cannot be so easily dismissed. Otherwise, why would they keep bringing the same people together?"

Idiot, you fucking idiot. Raeon wanted to scream. The real question is why do these lives keep separating the same people? Why do they just keep us cycling over and over in these circles? If it mattered so much, then why? But she knew those were stupid questions too. It was all stupid. Not everyone was as lucky as Han, being able to break their other-life curses so easily. She certainly was not.

"We managed well enough before." She said, looking up again. "She wasn't important to him before we all remembered."

Before you all remembered.

"Well, for me personally, at least I know finding you annoying has a precedent." Nate said, only the vaguest hint of wryness in his voice.

Was he smiling? The shadows and the light fell in such a way that she couldn't tell. She had the sudden sentimental urge to reach out and trace his features with her fingers to find out, and she had to bite her lip to prevent herself from doing so. Instead, she opted for a snappy retort:

"No-brainer, dude."

"But you aren't stupid-or I thought you weren't."

If he had been smiling before, he certainly wasn't now. She glowered at him irritably. She just wanted to lie down and ignore him, but that clearly wasn't going to happen.

"What are you driving at?" she snapped.

Nate didn't respond instantly, turning his face from her. He ran his hand through his hair once again, then pulled some locks forward, absently coiling and uncoiling them around his hand. Then he spoke:

"I would have thought that you understood, that you can't un-know something. Once you have learnt something, it colours everything that you do from that moment on, that relates to it. You told Han about his curse before, didn't you? And he couldn't shake that knowledge here. How do you think we got to this point?"

I haven't been able to shake my knowledge either, have I? Yet, I'm still stuck. It was Raeon's turn to not respond now, and this made Nate shake his head in irritation.

"Going off like you are-you were always wild, that was why Han didn't trust you."

"He trusted me."

"Yeah, that's totally why he kept you on a leash and micromanaged you."

"He trusted me."

To be the wild, feral one. The killer. That was how he remembered me, after all. Looking back on it, Raeon was surprised that Han had not approached her during his lifetime here, for he had clearly recognised her. She would not have had any more information to give him, for she'd given it all in those last moments-well, all except her own curse, and what use would that have been to him? He wouldn't have cared, not when saving his friends was all he wanted to do. All the same, he had recognised in her the look of someone who was unlucky enough to truly remember. Perhaps for some people that would have sparked a kinship. Not so for her.

Never for her.

"You have a funny definition of 'trust'."

Nate had let go of his locks, and was now looking at her again, baffled. She glared defiantly at him. What did he have to be baffled about? He was fine. He wasn't trapped to repeat, over and over again, losing a love that most of the time had never been his. Remembrance had lightened him, and now he'd finish out the course of his life, and that would be that. To him Han was a romantic hero who had made a tragic sacrifice. He was fine. That was why he was able to wear that confused expression and sit here and judge her. And sure enough, when she didn't say anything, he huffed and his expression became disapproving.

"There's no reasoning with you, is there?"

"Would've thought you'd realise that sooner, old buddy." She said, rolling her eyes.

Nate sighed.

"You're going to get yourself killed." He murmured. "I don't want that, Rae."

The way he said her name made her breath catch in her throat. Again, this urge to reach out. A little part of her wanted to do that, to cry and sink into his embrace, as if the love part of lovers had any meaning whatsoever. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I don't know what to do with myself. Please help. They were such simple statements, and yet she'd lost the ability to convey them to anyone a long time ago.

So she did the only thing she was good at. She glared ever more defiantly at him, drawing her knees to her chest and angling away from him, her fingernails digging into her skin.

"Fuck off with your lecturing. I'll do what I want."

Nate rubbed his face tiredly, and when he removed his hand sorrow tugged at his normally stoic features.

"Fine. Have it your way, but don't say I didn't try to warn you."

She watched him uncross his legs, get up and go back to her screen door. Instead of sliding it open though, he turned and looked at her, too far now from her lantern for her to see what was on his face. Fine by me, it is not as if I want to know, she tried to tell herself. She lay down, pulled the blankets high over herself, and waited for the sound of the screen door sliding open and then shut again.

She wanted to cry, but couldn't.

…

Nate was right.

It happened months later-when Sanguis had long absconded to god-knows-where and Woyoo had married Hanako- while accompanying Tarou, Nate and others to a meeting with a vendor that had turned into an ambush by small-fry looking to get in on their newfound power. She'd been itching for a fight (when wasn't she, these days?) and dispatched five or six with frightening ease before she'd found herself with a knife in her back.

For a few moments, she was still able to move, propelled by sheer adrenaline. But eventually, she'd felt her legs give way, and the blood soak the entirety of her back, and she'd realised that another end was coming. So after throwing her sword in a last-ditch, long-distance attack, she'd let that end come, watching as Nate watched with an anguish she hadn't expected and Tarou fought hard enough for all of them while swearing vengeance.

And as slowly, her vision blurred to black, she wondered what sort of life she'd end up waking up in this time.

…

The thing about other lives was that, unless they were tied to a particular curse that was meant to affect when and how they would be remembered, the memories of them were really only remembered around the age a child would typically first make their first memories in their current lives. The memories were still there, a permanent part of the wiring, but babies were controlled by instinct and sensation, and thus their experience of their other lives was much the same until they were capable of forming memories.

In this new life, she soon learnt her name was Reina. Her first memory was of climbing unsteadily down off of a stool and toddling to a woman lying on a litter-strewn floor, patting her and calling 'Mama, Mama' over and over with a hoarse voice that had tried to do the same over and over already. Her tongue was dry, and her stomach was rumbling, and she was just about to start to cry when she heard the door rattle, and instinctively, she hid under a chair. The door burst open, and she heard clattering footsteps, and someone crying out "Isabel? Reina?" before all of a sudden someone advanced, and she was gathered up in solid, comforting arms, and everything became a blur.

She soon learnt that the arms belonged to her uncle, Blaise, her mother's twin brother. With her mother dead, he adopted her, along with the two women that he was in a relationship with-Rumi and Kellie. They became Papa, Mama Rumi, and Mama Kellie. She proved to not be an easy child, far from it. Her terrible twos extended into the threes and the fours, her nightmares were vicious, and she frightened the other children when they tried to put her into a day-care, fighting at the slightest provocation, even more viciously than could be expected for a small child. She could tell it vexed them all. But Kellie tirelessly tried to teach her ways to rein in her temper, to remember to keep calm, and gradually she became a child who would seemingly-randomly walk away from things, rather than simply punching or throwing (though she still did that too, sometimes). Rumi sung lullabies from the various old languages that she studied for a living and rocked her to try and banish the nightmares. Blaise tried to get her to explain what it was that troubled her, even when baffled by the explanations she gave (she could never explain why it was red roses terrified her so much that she'd destroyed the vases Blaise had bought for Rumi and Kellie for a wedding anniversary).

They were kind, in a way that she hadn't experienced before. And looking back at all the other lives, when even a fleeting slap or a single eye-roll had resulted in beatings, or had been used as justification to write her off or throw her out, it was utterly alien. But as she played with them, ate with them, painstakingly learnt her letters with them, she started to settle into it.

And she started to hope that perhaps in this life, things would be better.

…

"Oooh, those are such pretty pens! I really love this little dolphin!"

Reina beamed with pride as Rumi and Blaise admired the new stationery she'd bought with Kellie, in preparation for school. She hadn't been good at day care, but she was a big girl now, and she knew that she could be brave. She could box the other lives on a side and maybe not everything would remind her of them. Maybe I won't see their faces. A boy at the shop she'd bought her holo-books from had called her a weirdo, because she'd stared at him too long, recognising him to be another life of Tarou's. It had made her sad that he hadn't recognised her, but Kellie had said not to listen to him because she was the best girl and not a weirdo, and even though that wasn't what had made her sad, the ice-cream they'd gone to have afterwards made it feel better.

"My favourite is the squid! Look it, Mama Rumi! Pretty tentacles, right? " she giggled, picking up the pen in question.

"Those are very pretty tentacles." Rumi agreed. "What about your school bag, Reina? What school bag did you get?"

Reina grinned in excitement at Kellie, who smiled at them both and then hefted the larger shopping bag onto the table. Reina leaned across the table and thrust her hands into the shopping bag so that she could pull out the satchel she had chosen-black, with dark purple glittery stars all over it and bright purple buckles and zips. It earned appreciative oohs and aahs from both Blaise and Rumi.

"Well, it looks like you're all set for school! You'll be the coolest girl in your class!" Blaise said.

"Really?"

"Yup!"

"Really, really?"

"Oh, for sure."

"Yay!" Reina bounced in her seat, and started to try and gather all her things in one armful. "Can I go and pack my bag?"

"Woah, woah there!" Kellie laughed. "School still doesn't start for another two weeks, there's no rush. Besides, there was something else we need to talk about as well."

Reina caught a look passing between her three parents. She tensed up, recognising it from times when she had had nightmares or she had been naughty.

"Well," Blaise turned to her, his face completely serious. "How would you feel if we bought another baby home?"

"Another baby?"

Reina felt her blood run cold. We're bringing another baby home, a voice echoed in her head, along with the image of a baby Cinn clad in a frilly white nightgown, paraded in front of her as a pair of rough hands dragged her away. We didn't want a naughty child like you.

"Is it because I was bad?" her lips wobbled, and tears leaked. "Are you replacing me? Please don't replace me!"

"Oh honey, no, no, no."

Rumi scooped Reina out of her chair, cuddling her close to her chest, rubbing her back. Reina whimpered, but remained tense, looking down at Blaise and Kellie, both still sitting, the former having gone pale and the latter with her hands over her mouth.

"No, honey. Not to replace you. We want the baby and you. So you can be the baby's big sister." Rumi explained, continuing to rub her back

Reina looked at Rumi, blinking.

"I'm not going away?"

"No, Reina, baby, never." Kellie said. "There's no way we'd do that. The baby would be for you. Like Mama Rumi said, you would be big sister."

Reina looked cautiously at Rumi, who nodded, then back at Blaise and Kellie. Me, as a big sister…would I really get to be a big sister? The old memory faded back into the background, and she allowed herself to relax ever so slightly.

"Will the baby be a little brother?"

"Do you want a little brother?" Blaise asked.

If it is a little brother, it could be Cinn. Reina nodded firmly, and Rumi smiled, settling her back in her chair.

"Well then, that's settled."

…

It took a few months, but one day after school, when she got home, Blaise was there and he took her straight to a building where Rumi and Kellie were waiting, that Reina instantly recognised as an orphanage. The three of them were taken to a room where a single basket with a very tiny baby lay. After looking cautiously to her parents for permission, Reina sprinted over and leaned over. The baby was small and wrinkly, and certainly didn't look much like anyone at all. The thatch of red hair on top of his little head was more flame than dark, but either way it didn't matter, because this baby was not Cinn. In fact, it wasn't anyone that she knew at all.

"The paperwork is basically done, Ms Tanahashi-Bow, Mr Bow and Ms Bow-Grace, but we do need the baby's new name for the records." She heard the lady who'd bought them here say.

"A name, hmm?" Blaise said. "Reina, what do you think?"

Reina looked up, startled.

"Me?"

"Of course!" Kellie exclaimed. "You're the big sister, after all."

Big sister. The words filled her with a warm pride, and when she turned back to the baby, she realised that his eyes had opened and were now looking straight at her. The hazel colour was also unfamiliar, but it didn't matter. You're my little brother, and I'm your big sister. And I'm gonna be amazing, I promise!

She reached out and rubbed his cheek, watched his face move. Then, she looked up at her parents, beaming.

"Aiden!"

And when she looked back at the baby-at Aiden-it seemed like he was just as happy as she was.

…

The whimpers were faint, filtered through the wall that separated her bedroom for his, but they were enough to tug Reina out of a nightmare of her own. She sat up rapidly, heart beating, hands trembling as they recalled the unsettling sensation of plunging through another person. Who…? What…?She frowned, listening closely. Then, when she was sure what she was hearing was out in the world, not in her head, she swung her legs around, stuck her feet in her fluffy slippers, and carefully padded out of her bedroom, and towards Aiden's.

"Aiden?" she whispered. "Aiden?"

Getting no response, she slipped into the room and went straight to Aiden's dinosaur shaped bed. She leaned over and put a comforting hand on Aiden's little shoulder and shook gently, calling his name again and again in whispers. It didn't take long for his eyes to open, and for him to look at her in wide-eyed terror.

"The monsters, Rae-Rae. The cheese monsters are here."

Cheese monsters. Reina had to hold back from laughing. If only her nightmares had been about cheese monsters when she'd been four. Then, perhaps, she would not be such a problem child who got scared by weird things and who didn't have any friends. Maybe she'd be normal. But she couldn't laugh at Aiden.

"Well, if they are, I'll just have to defeat them, won't I? But you'll need to be my assistant."

Aiden's eyes went saucer-wide, and he gripped his quilt.

"I won't have to fight the cheese monsters, will I?"

"Nope!" Reina declared. "I'm very good at fighting, so leave that to me. But first things first-you'll need to turn on the light. Take him with you."

She grabbed a toy dinosaur from the massive pile on Aiden's bed at random, and thrust it at him. Aiden blinked, then cautiously took it, holding onto it tightly as he went across his bedroom to turn on the light. Once he had, Reina put her hands on her hips and grinned at him.

"Okay, now the monsters are scared-they don't like light. I just need to get your sword….." she went to his toybox, flipped open the lid, and took out a toy sword made of foam. "And now I'm good to go! Stand aside, young man, and I will banish the monsters forever!"

Aiden rushed back to his bed, giggling as Reina charged around her room, waving the sword around at random, pretending that she had found cheese monsters and that they were quivering in terror. Sometimes, Aiden shouted directions at her, and she followed obligingly.

"What on earth is this racket?"

The door swung open, and Reina paused, her sword in mid-thrust, as if about to skewer yet another cheese monster. Kellie stood in the doorway, her blue hair a mess, utterly confused.

"Reina's defeating the cheese monsters for me!" Aiden announced, bouncing on the bed as he did so.

"Don't bounce, Aiden." Kellie said automatically, before regarding Reina. "Are you really now?"

Reina lowered her sword, and nodded.

"Aiden was scared, so I'm getting rid of them. Then he'll be able to sleep."

Kellie stared for a moment. Then, her expression softened out into a smile, and she patted Reina's hair gently.

"Alright. Do you think you could defeat the rest of them a little quieter?"

"Okay." Reina nodded. "I'll be quick too. I know it's a school night."

Kellie stifled a laugh at this, then yawned.

"Alrighty then. I'll leave you to it."

…

"Rae-Rae!"

Reina startled as Aiden appeared in the doorway of her classroom. He grinned, bouncing on his heels. For some reason, he didn't have his school bag with him, even though it was the end of the day.

"I'm going to play with Takeo and the others! Can you take my bag with you?"

"On your peg, right?" she asked. "Couldn't you have bought it up with you?"

"Oh." Aiden pulled a face, and Reina had to laugh. It was hard, getting annoyed at Aiden. "I didn't think of that."

"It's okay, squirt." She said. "I'm on cleaning duty, though."

"Oh! That's okay! Love you, Rae-Rae!"

Reina chuckled as Aiden shot off faster than she could formulate a response. Being in Grade 1, it was fine for him to still be sappy, and it helped he was popular in his year group too. But for the likes of her, in Grade 7 and completely the opposite, she would never have gotten away with it. Oh well. It is what it is. And at least Aiden isn't ashamed of me yet. She hoped that next year, when she started high school, it'd make it harder for him to notice how weird she really was. That there'd be a longer time before, inevitably, he'd want to drift away.

She sighed, and looked around the classroom. It was just her luck that her class had an odd number of children, since it meant there was enough excuse for everyone to avoid pairing with her. On the other hand, she didn't have to worry about her partner goofing off and blaming it on her, or pouring the dirty water over her head, or any of the other things that had happened during primary school. So, it was in an overall settled mood that she rolled up the sleeves of her school uniform and got right down to it. She hummed a half-remembered tune, and the time flew by.

Once she was done, she gathered her things, then went to the other side of the building, where Grades 1-3 were housed, and looked for Aiden's peg to grab his bag. Then, she rushed out into the late summer afternoon, looking forward to getting home, grabbing a book and going into the garden with it. But then she heard a voice.

"Hey, creep, where're you off to?"

She turned to see a small group of her year-group mates, who appeared to be coming out of basketball practise. One girl, Kari, grinned at her. Reina stiffened.

"I'm going home." She said.

"Oh, going home, are you? " Kari walked up to her, getting right into her face. "Whatcha gonna do there, cry about how you have no friends."

"Leave me alone."

Reina had tried to sound pleading, but it came out in a growl, the way she had spoken as Raeon. Kari's face twisted.

"Oh my god, you're such a psycho. That's what my brother would say, right guys?"

"Oh, definitely, definitely!" the others chorused, crowding around her.

"Such. ."

Kari jabbed her in the chest with a finger with each word, repeating the sentence until eventually, Reina couldn't hold it in, and she slapped Kari's hands away. Kari gawped, then grabbed at Reina's schoolbag, tugging at it until the straps broke, before flinging it across the playground.

"Hey!"

"Hey!" one of the other girls mimicked. "Hey, hey!"

"She's got another bag, grab that one as well."

"No, leave me alone!" Reina cried out, clutching the other bag-Aiden's bag-to her chest tightly.

"Hey, what sort of bag is it? It's green, and it looks like a dinosaur! An actual dinosaur!"

"It looks like a Grade 1 brat's bag!"

"Reina's a baby, Reina's a baby!"

And so it went, on and on, until Reina spotted an opening, and ducked, running through to try and retrieve her bag. The others ran straight after her, and before she knew what was happening, she was all limbs, kicking and punching and lashing out, seeing nothing but red until she heard the sound of school teachers arriving to break it up.

As usual, Kari and her friends denied everything they had been doing, no matter how Reina tried to explain it, even with the evidence of hers and Aiden's bags to support her. Her parents were called, and Blaise came to collect her, by which point she had curled up tightly into her seat, trying to wish the world away.

"Sit up!" the teacher keeping an eye on her said sharply when she didn't respond to Blaise. "At least show some respect to your father!"

"It's alright. I think Reina's just feeling embarrassed."

"Yes, well, she shouldn't be behaving like this. It's lucky none of the girls were hurt, or we'd have to think about suspending her. Again."

"Look, we'll talk to her, but you know things are difficult for Reina."

"Yes, yes, but it can't be an excuse."

Reina heard Blaise sigh, and then come to kneel by her.

"Reina, honey. Come on."

She looked up blearily at Blaise's tired face, and her lip wobbled. Blaise rubbed his face, then without saying anything, picked her up, settling her on his hip even though she was too large for that. With a sigh, she rested her head against his shoulder, and then they left.

…

"Rae-Rae?"

Reina looked up from the homework that she was doing. Aiden was hovering in the doorway, shuffling and looking a little apprehensive. He was holding something behind his back.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

Slowly, Aiden showed her what he was holding-a keyring of a cartoon character, battered, one leg twisted, and one the other completely fallen off.

"Rae-Rae, you went fighting with my bag?" he asked in a tiny voice.

Of course. Aiden had caught wind of what had happened by the time she and Blaise had gotten home. He had probably eavesdropped on Blaise once again reminding her to not get so angry, or perhaps later when he was updating Rumi and Kellie.

"I wasn't…" Reina tried. "I didn't mean to…shall I try and fix it?"

"No," Aiden shook his head. "I don't think it can be fixed. It's okay, Reina."

But from the way his shoulders sagged, it wasn't okay at all. Before she could say anything though, he had disappeared. Reina stared at the space he had been in for a moment, then looked down at her homework.

It's happening. He's not Cinn, but it's happening anyway.

Suddenly, her homework didn't matter anymore.

…

Reina could have brushed against him without realising, but her schoolbag swung a little too freely, and before she could grab it the edge had hit the man's arm.

"Sorry!" she squeaked as the man turned to look at her.

He frowned, then shrugged, and turned away again, continuing on his way. An insignificant moment, one of many that would repeat over the world in busy streets and stations. But as Reina clutched her bag closer to herself, she found herself frozen to the spot, only one name echoing in her head.

Nate.

He was older, broader. The features of his face seemed somewhat more defined, etched with age and also with just a hint of sorrow. His ponytail seemed thicker, though it was the same length as before, and his fringe was now clipped back from his face. Amusingly, he still seemed to have the penchant for hanging his sunglasses on the lapel of his waistcoat. But as she watched him retreat in the crowd, she remembered that one particular night, the shadows and the purple, half obscuring and half illuminating.

"I don't want that, Rae."

It was him. It had definitely been him. And not a new version, in a different life, but the same person. And he had looked at me and he didn't…

She barely let herself finish the thought before she was off, running as fast as her legs would let her, weaving amongst the pedestrians, trying to keep a sight of that ponytail and that familiar gait that had her feeling feelings from her old life, feelings that her current body was not old enough to contain. She ran, and ran and ran, disregarding red lights at crossings and ignoring everything else around her.

Her limbs started to ache, her chest started to tighten, tears stung the corners of her eyes. But all she could see was shadows and purple, the blurry expression of anguish stronger than expected, countless other expressions etched that she had gently traced on other long-distant nights in an attempt at pretending that she had been something more. Words he'd said to her spun around and around in her head, the dizziness almost enough to make her stop. Almost.

All the while, she hoped that he'd turn around again. That he'd catch sight of her. That he'd scrutinise her just a little closer…

And then? And then what? She wasn't stupid-even with the amount of lifetimes she carried around with her, in this one she was still a child. An ordinary child, and despite all her troubles, she'd been allowed to grow up appropriately. And before, that hadn't been a relationship. She certainly wouldn't want to go back to that again. But please, recognise me.

The doubt slowed her steps, enough for Nate to surge forward, and disappear into a crowd once again. When Reina realised, she let out a strangled cry and tried to move forward, but then the crowd dissipated, and she realised she was standing at the entrance to a train station she didn't recognise. And he had gone.

No. No, no, no.

Everything drained from her, it was all she could do to keep steady on her legs, to stumble to a bench and sit heavily on it instead of just dropping to her knees. She hugged her schoolbag to her, trying to steady the breathing which by now had become laboured. Her mind continued to flash for a little while in shadows and purple, shadows and purple, shadows and purple. But then, finally, she was able to relax her shoulders and look up.

Wait, where am I?

Now, she realised that the name of the train station was not one she knew. The buildings around her looked completely alien, all the shops and cafes were ones she'd never walked past or been into. The roads and crossings she must have used held no meaning to her. Just how far did I run? A new wave of panic threatened to overwhelm, and shakily, she opened her schoolbag and pulled out her E-screen, selecting the function to make a video call and pressing Home.

A moment later, Rumi's face appeared on the screen, cautious.

"Reina, are you alright? You're a little late getting home."

"M-Mama Rumi…..I….." Reina struggled to hold back the sobs. "I don't know who I am."

"What?"

Oh, crap.

"Where I am. I don't know where I am I…I was looking and….I….."

"Oh, Reina. Shhh, shhh. It's alright, we'll fix it. Don't worry. Aiden, pull a map up on your E-screen, won't you?"

…

For about a year, more or less, Reina was put into therapy.

It didn't help. Some of that, she had to admit, was essentially her own fault. She was embittered and cynical, and aftereffect of both what she'd experienced in this life, and the weight of all the others. She couldn't open herself in the way that therapy required. That wasn't on anyone else, and for all her faults, she didn't blame that on anyone else.

But the rest of it, that was down to the other lives. In this era, other lives were recognised, but not as she lived them. To other people, they were mostly curiosities, a way of explaining a sense of deja-vu or why two people could suddenly get so close despite a short amount of time. Golden couples, best friends, super-close siblings or parent-and-child pairs-all of these could be explained by other lives. Periods in history were bought to life by other-life accounts, all the better since it meant ordinary people could emphasise with seismic events, and there were whole dedicated sections in holo-book stores just for that kind of history book.

There was just no room in those norms for curses like hers, for the concept of someone trapped over and over in similar types of lives, for all those different loves to be separated by all those different lives. There was just a little wiggle room to accept that someone might possibly be traumatised by the way a previous life had ended, or by a bereavement suffered during one-which was what her therapist specialised in. But it was nowhere near enough to cover the depths of what having had other lives had meant to Reina.

So she pulled small snippets from a very old life, somewhere in the 1800s, offered them up like gifts to at least be seen to be trying. But for the most part, she kept everything else locked away. There was no way she could do otherwise.

And so, it didn't help.

…

When Reina arrived at school that morning, there was someone that she didn't recognise sitting at one of the desks at the back. A black-haired boy, his head was down, and he was listening to music, but as she edged into the classroom, giving him a sideways glance the whole time, she couldn't help but feel...something. Slowly, she put her bag on her chair, and lifted the desk lid up to begin getting ready for the school day when she sensed eyes on her.

When she looked up to meet the gaze, she realised that the boy was looking at her. And not just that...

"Tarou?"

She didn't realise that she'd said it out loud until he frowned at her. There was no recognition in his face, not from this life or the past. He just looked blank and confused. Yet, it was definitely him. Definitely Tarou.

"What? Nobody calls me that. "

"Oh...uh..." Oh, crap. Fearing that he'd remember the shop incident, her mind scrambled and eventually she said:

"Sorry. I..uh, thought you were someone else."

"Riiiiight."

Tarou pulled a face, and then studied her. She stared back, comparing the face he had here to the face he'd had before. While physical resemblances did persist from life to life, it was rare that one looked exactly as they had before. Yet, Tarou looked the same. Exactly the same. He'd even rolled his sleeves as far as they would go.

Then something occurred to her.

"Wait, what do you mean, nobody calls you that?"

"Huh?" he frowned, then his face cleared. "Oh, right. It's just my name is Heitarou. But nobody ever nicknames me and I prefer it that way."

"Oh."

Reina fiddled nervously with the handles of her bag.

"I'm Reina. Sometimes that gets shortened to little brother calls me Rae-Rae, but not all the time."

Rae. The way Raeon had been. Indeed, the nickname had started from him. That was why she had told him. She watched him absorb this information, but no new light dawned in his face. Instead, he nodded.

"Okay."

"How come you're so early?" she asked. "Inside? Usually unless it's cleared you can only come in from 8."

"First day."

"Oh."

"Why are you here then?"

"I...um...I'm cleared."

Reina tensed, waiting as Tarou studied her. She noticed his gaze fall to her hands. More specifically, the scars that had somehow formed in the exact same pattern Raeon's had. Did he..., did he remember bandaging those injuries? For a moment she thought she saw a flicker, but then Tarou gave a one shouldered shrug. If anything had been there, it was gone.

Of course it was.

"I see. Well, good to meet you, Rae."

"Mmmm."

She watched him for a few seconds as he turned back to his music. When she did turn away, she tried not to cry.

…

It wasn't a surprise to her when Tarou-or Heitarou, really,-did not become her friend. Indeed, as he quickly got absorbed into the ranks of the popular, he started to ignore her the way most of her cohort did. At first, she tried to reverse this, longing for even the most superficial acquaintanceship. But when her efforts got misinterpreted as a crush, and she got intimidated by jealous classmates and teased by the rest, she stopped. But there was one small mercy-when he did deign to talk to her, he was not unkind. Recognition did not dawn for him at any point, but this, at least, was something.

He only ended up staying at her school for a year and a half, and during that time, he held a weekend party at his house, and made it known that she was very much included in the 'whole year group' part of the invitation. Not expecting anything, she had turned up. But there, she drank alcohol-a funny pink fizzy concoction, and later some beers-and found the world to be number and a little more distant afterwards. When she drank, people approached her and had actual (if inane) conversations with her, they did not seem so mean, or so inexplicable. It felt good.

So she started to turn up to other parties, to turn to stronger drinks. Then, on evenings when her parents were working late and Aiden was asleep or on sleepovers, she rootled in the drinks cupboard and experimented. After any drink, she found the world an easier place, but each time, she needed to drink more to make it so. And she didn't see why the world just had to be easier on solitary nights, and during parties. Home she could manage (apart from those times that Aiden, growing ever more sunny and charming and confident, regarded her with increasing amounts disappointment), but school? That was hell. Thinking like this, it didn't take too long for her to start sneaking her parents' whiskey or wine to school in her helpfully opaque water bottle.

And it didn't take much longer for things to completely fall apart.

Falling asleep in lessons, forgetting where she was meant to be. Becoming actively rude and belligerent towards her teachers and classmates, whereas before she had only been angry-when-provoked. Drinking entirely through lessons, grades falling, almost injuring herself multiple times on the way home from school. She stopped eating, and spent most of her waking hours drunk. Aiden started to seem actively frightened of her, though even in her stupor she actively fought to be kind to him, even as she started to curse her parents imposing sanctions. Her nightmares surged back with a vengeance, demanding drink to quell them and then deceiving her by coming back ever stronger.

She dropped out of high school, and for no other reason than being nagged, she attempted to pull herself together just a little, enough to get a job as a waitress. But she was fired when she went overboard in attempting to defend herself against a customer who had tried to grope her. She was, according to both the manager and her parents, lucky that he hadn't pressed any charges. Either way, with the job gone, she had nothing else to do but stay home and gradually get worse.

A short spell in rehab seemed to straighten things out at first. Quite literally, she had to take things a day at a time. On the worst days, she divided them into blocks of a few hours, and took them a block at a time instead. She tried to look at her options for the future, and to make amends to her family. In particular, she wanted to show Aiden that she was trying to be normal, trying to be the good big sister that she knew she had been once. But the sobriety was short-lived, as proved when all of a sudden, nearly six months after she'd first left rehab, Kellie pole-axed them all with the news that she had found another woman, and wanted to leave them all.

There was a blur, as divorce and visiting arrangements were made-Reina wanted nothing to do with Kellie, but Aiden still did. It was decided that he would visit her at weekends, and for half of each school holiday, and helping him adjust to that was her priority. After all, she was his big sister.

But eventually, the pain settled in. Reina had bought this on herself. Not just through her own actions, but because this was what always happened. She got stripped down to nothing, and the people she loved left her. So when the dust had settled, Reina waited for a day that Aiden was at Kellie's, cleared out her parents' drink cupboard (bypassing the locks they'd set up) and drank the whole lot, hoping not for numbness, but oblivion.

Complete oblivion.

But she did not get what she wanted. Instead, she woke up in a hospital, and discovered that it had been Aiden who had found her, having come back to pick up some homework he'd forgotten. He did not visit her to give her the chance to apologise or explain herself, so she eventually threw herself into trying rehab for a second time. First inpatient, and then outpatient.

From there, she tried once again to rebuild a life. This time, it seemed to work.

…

Reina sighed as she retrieved her coffee and iced doughnut. It was so early in the morning, she thought wearily, how on earth was it so busy? She could have sworn that it had been quiet when she'd arrived, and she really was not in the mood for a spot-the-empty seat game, not at this time in her life, with Rumi having died in an accident four months before and having to keep Blaise from completely falling apart while making sure she didn't relapse and end up losing everything she had managed to build up in the last few years.

"Sorry, um…"

She swirled around to lock eyes with a gentle-faced young man, roughly her age (or possibly a couple of years older). He was sitting at a table…a table that had an empty seat.

"Would you like to sit here? I mean, unless you're waiting for a friend."

"I don't have any friends." She snapped, before sitting down heavily.

She set her drink and doughnut down, then realised she'd been unnecessarily harsh, and that the young man was looking at her in confusion.

"Sorry," she said. "I'm a bit frazzled this morning, and I have no idea how the hell a shop that was quiet minutes ago has suddenly become the crowd from hell…also, I have the tendency to talk too much, especially when I am stressed. Sorry."

She decided not to add that she could also be as mean as hell. Well, maybe you weren't enough for me! Though Aiden had been provoking her, with his constant badgering about why she couldn't have just been normal, it was still an unforgivable thing to say. Especially when it was a lie. But of course, it was too late to do anything about that, so many years down the line when he preferred Kellie to her and Blaise these days.

Even she knew that was too much information, so she simply gave her table buddy what she hoped was an apologetic smile. He smiled back, but didn't respond immediately. He seemed to be weighing up his words for a bit, and then eventually came out with:

"That's fine. Some people say I talk too little."

"Too little?" Now this was an alien concept to Reina. "How so?"

"Dunno. I guess I'm not a chatty type. But I also didn't start talking until I was six."

"Six?" Reina asked, incredulously. "Why?"

"Thinking about it, I have no idea. Just, I didn't, and then one day I started talking and it was as if nothing was amiss."

"Huh. That's quite cool. I was a holy terror at six."

"I'm sure you weren't."

"Oh, I was."

"Even so. You were six."

The way this young man said it, it was clear that to him, this was an argument in itself. Reina blinked, lost for words, and chose instead to study him. Though his facial features themselves were gentle, the dark, intense blackness of his eyes and thick wavy hair gave him a mysterious edge. As if he was a deep, deep thinker. He was quite cute, overall.

"Oh, I guess I should tell you my name. It's Tristan."

"I'm Reina."

"Well, nice to meet you, Reina."

They made small talk while Reina finished her coffee and doughnut, and Tristan worked through his bacon roll and tea. They left at the same time, though they were heading in different directions.

"Hey," Tristan said. "Do you want to exchange contact info? Then we could be friends. Even if we just chat from time to time."

Reina thought about this, but then decided: Oh, why not.

"Sure."

So, they did.

…

She started to meet up with Tristan regularly, as it turned out they only lived a few bus-stops away from each other. At first, it was strictly as friends, but Reina very quickly started to feel fluttery butterflies in her chest at the thought of meeting him, and then one day Tristan shyly asked if they could start to date, and that was that.

He met her family before she met his, though that was really only Blaise now. Aiden still wanted nothing to do with her, and she wanted nothing to do with Kellie anymore. But she met his friends first, especially Kady, a girl who was so obviously a child of Hanako's and Woyoo's it hurt her. And she heard plenty about his parents. Gentle, clever and 'the most dad-like of my dads' Lysander. Irreverent, loud and funny Juniper. Passionate, practical and loving Aisa. Even before he showed her photographs, she pieced enough of their other-life stories to realise who they really were. Orphans who'd lost a friend who'd made a sacrifice for them, who had been connected to a curse relating to roses? The fact that their company was called Han's Garden? It could be none other than Mera, Koji and of course Cinn. No matter how much she wanted to see their faces again, she knew she couldn't stay with Tristan if that was the only reason for it.

Luckily, it wasn't. She liked how quiet he was, and how it was a product of his thoughtfulness. She liked how he could make near enough anything with his hands, and the way he approached everything with a cautious care. The gentle features of his face, the softness of his eyes, the cadence of his voice. The first kiss that had felt like hope and a revelation, as well as igniting sparks of desire she'd thought she wouldn't experience in this life. The way he acted as if everything she had to say was important, and forgave her transgressions without dismissing them. He had seemed to lead a charmed life, so secure and loved, never feeling out of place. Yet he was so very understanding of the fact she had not been the same. He didn't let her get away with being a jerk, but he gave her leeway too. The fluttery butterflies quickly gave way to true love.

She did soon meet his parents, but not in the little cottage that they'd grown up in. That, she understood, was for a very exclusive circle. Tristan explained it as an effect of their trauma as orphans, never having had anywhere to go. Reina understood it as part of the cost of making sure their past as Sanguis did not catch up to them, and realised that Woyoo and Hanako's relationship had been necessary to that. She was sure that as Raeon, she might have had a grudging admiration for that, if she'd lived long enough to realise it. But whatever the reasons, there were different places she met them. First Lysander, at a trendy little café in Eos, the village nearest to the cottage. Then Juniper and Aisa, at a burger bar. All three of them, at the beach in Kaimachi. None of them recognised her, as she had predicted, but she had not expected Lysander to be automatically warm and gentle with her, for Aisa to bake for her because she 'needed feeding', for Juniper to want to share childhood stories of Tristan.

She loved them for it, but also she envied them too. This is proof it worked, isn't it, she thought to herself one night after dinner with them at a new fusion-food place for Juniper's birthday. That they were lucky but I am not. But she was in Tristan's arms, and in a safe warm bed, with a future stretched out ahead of them. Surely this meant that perhaps the curse had been broken for her? She didn't know, but she had to try and believe. And so, she did.

Sooner or later, the question of marriage came up. It was one they discussed in detail, carefully, approaching every angle. Tristan was a bit of a romantic, and she knew that he in particular really wanted it. But he did not press the issue, knowing that for so long such a milestone had been out of her reach. Eventually, though, she said yes, on the condition that there wasn't a wedding. A small celebration dinner or something, perhaps. But no wedding. Tristan being Tristan, agreed happily to it, if it would make her happy.

It was only more evidence that she should believe that at last, she could be happy.

…

"Are you sure this is okay?" she asked for the millionth time.

"Yes, of course it is." Tristan said patiently, also for the millionth time.

"But, even you said, they don't just let anyone up, what if they decide that-"

Tristan stopped abruptly as they got to the hill, and Reina almost bumped into him. When she straightened, he leaned in to kiss her, then stepped back.

"Tris.."

"They won't, Rae." he said, with a gentle smile. "There's no special criteria, and as for the basic…well, they know you well, and you're my world. "

"And now I'm your wife." Reina added, slowly.

Tristan nodded enthusiastically.

"Exactly, exactly. They'll be a little nervous, sure. But it'll be fine. I promise you."

Reina took a deep breath, briefly fiddled with her rose-gold wedding ring and then looked Tristan in the eye. It's fine. I'm fine. Bravely, she reached out to grab Tristan's hand.

"Okay. Sorry."

"No need to apologise, Reina. I get it."

And because she knew he did, completely and fully, she smiled and resolved to be brave. Even so, as they advanced up the hill and came closer to the cottage, her stomach started to churn just a little.

The front door was painted light blue, and there was honeysuckle all around it. It looked cutesy, something on the front of a greetings card. Yet, that door seemed imposing, until it opened and Lysander peered out at them, wearing a soft green jumper and black jeans with a gold-buckle belt. Instantly, his gentle smile widened out into a much more enthusiastic one. Oh, Cinn. I'm glad you're so happy. I really am.

"Tris, Reina." He stepped aside, and then called into the house. "Juniper, Aisa!"

Aisa appeared first, her pretty purple blouse and darker leggings covered by an apron that declared her 'Head Baker'. She was also holding a whisk.

"Oh, you're early! Come in, come in. Rae, I love that dress. Is that what you went down to Registry to get married in?"

"Oh, um, yeah."

Reina blushed, and looked down at her dress. A sleeveless halter neck with a fitted bodice and a swirly galaxy-like pattern, she had paired it with black tights and glittery purple pumps. It was way beyond her comfort zone of clothes, but she liked it. It was special, and special was what was called for. Not to mention, she loved the way Tristan had looked at her when he'd seen her in it for the first time.

"I know," Aisa laughed when Reina couldn't think of anything to say. "I'm not a dress person these days either. But it really does look lovely on you. Let me just clean up, then we can start to show you round."

"Woah, woah, when did the kids get here?"

Reina twirled around as Juniper screeched in, still holding tools, shirtless as always, his peach hair mussed.

"Sorry," he laughed, sheepishly. "Lost track of time. But the garden's all clean now."

"It's fine," Lysander said. "But it looks like at least you're not the only one who needs to get clean."

"True enough." Ai said.

Aisa and Juniper left, and Lysander escorted them into the living room, encouraging them to sit on a sofa.

"So this, obviously, is our living room."

"It…looks bigger inside here than it does outside." Reina observed as she studied the room.

"Yep, it is. Not massively so, but you'd never have guessed at the amount of space in it just from looking."

"Mhm."

The three of them made a little small talk, though it was really Lysander who took the lead. Always, so clever like that. So kind. Reina looked around the room, noted the small bunch of roses in a vase on the mantelpiece, the bookshelf that contained actual paper books as well as holo, the various formats of digital photograph, many of them documenting Tristan's life from baby to adult. It was cosy. Home-like. Not quite what she had been expecting from a place that was, to her understanding, so very closed off from the world.

Once Aisa and Juniper had arrived, the tour began.

"Perhaps," Juniper joked. "We should show you the bedroom, since you're probably going to want to know where that is."

"Jun!" Tristan, Aisa and Lysander all protested at once.

"What?" he grinned. "I'd want to know if I was a newlywed."

"He has a point." Reina agreed before she could stop herself.

Four pairs of eyes stared at her, and she started to blush before Lysander laughed, and patted her shoulder.

"Sounds fair to me. We can do that, then you can dump your things there too. Yeah?"

"Alright, then."

So they went to the bedroom-which apparently had been Tristan's as a child, and the one he still used when he stayed over, though most of his childhood mementos had been taken down, and stored in a box under the new double bed. Once their things had been dumped at the foot of said bed, the tour continued all around the house, and then they headed down towards the garden.

Even from the outside of the boundaries, Reina could see a glimpse of the roses, roses upon roses upon roses, that grew there. So many different colours and sizes. Her heart clenched, and she reached blindly for Tristan's hand and gripped tight, forcing herself to look straight ahead. He squeezed back. Breathe, Rae. Breathe.

"Will you be alright? With your mother and all…"

Reina looked blankly at Lysander, brain scrambling before she remembered the story she had offered up, about her biological mother and the roses she'd received before she'd died, and the smell of them. It was a true thing that had happened, but not the truth of why she was essentially afraid of roses. Of course, since they didn't remember, it didn't matter.

Breathe.

"Yeah." She said. "Yeah, I will be."

Lysander nodded, and then he gestured to Aisa.

"Lead the way, Ai."

Aisa nodded, and went in front of them to do just that. The rest of them followed reverently, and at first, as they circled around, they remained mostly silent, though Juniper occasionally shared facts about the different types of roses and how they were grown, and the work put into maintaining the garden. He sounded quite the expert gardener, something that Reina could never have guessed the being she had known as Koji would have ever become. A tiny part of her wanted to hate them all for it, but the rest of her just ached with longing.

Eventually, though, she realised they'd been working their way to the very middle of the garden, where a large bush with deep red blooms was growing. Deep red blooms, just like…

Breathe, Rae. Breathe.

Reverently, aware she was being watched, Reina reached out to touch one with her free hand (for she had been holding Tristan's with her other the whole time). She shivered slightly, then withdrew her hand, and looked uncertainly to Lysander, Aisa and Juniper.

"That…" Aisa said solemnly. "Is where Han is."

Reina blinked, not fully understanding it. But then she glanced from them to the roses, then back down at the ground. And then, she understood.

"Really?" she asked. "Really?"

"It's not the done thing, but it was right for us." Jun said, simply.

"That…that is…" Reina stammered, then bit her lip.

Oh god, I can't mess this up. Truth be told, she didn't much like this era's customs around the death, but all the same, as Reina, she was a girl of this era now. The idea that Han's actual body, undoubtedly decomposed but intact, was right underneath her feet…nobody in Eros had had an inkling that this had been what they'd wanted to do.

"Fair." She settled with. "I can't imagine, a bond like this…"

It was a bit feeble, but it was at least more or less truth. And from the smiles on their faces, she knew she had said the right thing.

"When we go, we'll be buried there, too." Aisa said, decisively. "But there's plenty of time to discuss matters like that. Today is your day, so I say we should go inside now."

And so, they did.

Despite Aisa's insistence that she and Tristan were the guests of honour today, Reina offered to help in the kitchen, and eventually all five of them were having a real whale of a time in the kitchen, which led to more merriment once the food was actually ready to be eaten. Somehow, the conversation flowed easier than she'd expected, though she knew that really, it was her tendency to motor-mouth, Jun's jokiness and Lysander's general easy demeanour that helped it along. They all ate until they were absolutely stuffed, then conversed more until Aisa declared it was time to get a head start on the washing. As with the cooking, Reina and Tristan tried to help, but all three parents chased them away, telling them it was well past time to enjoy their wedding night. Shoo, they ordered, go enjoy being young and in love.

So, Reina and Tristan did just that.

…

For a little while immediately afterwards, they just lay there, staring at each other. Tristan reached out and brushed a lock of her hair out of her eyes, and Reina smiled softly at him, covering her hand with his.

"Do you know what we didn't get to do, Rae?" Tristan asked, voice sleepily satisfied.

"What? "

"We didn't get to dance."

"Dance?"

Reina wasn't sure if her brain was too loved-up or what, but she couldn't quite process. Had Tristan really just mentioned dancing?

"Yeah, you know. Proper, romantic slow dancing."

"Oh."

Okay, I wasn't mishearing then.

Reina wasn't sure what to say to that. She couldn't imagine herself dancing, of all things. Raeon hadn't known how to dance, Eon certainly hadn't, none of her other lives had known either. Tristan remained lost in thought for a moment, then suddenly his eyes lit up and he sat up straight.

"Let's go dance now." he said. "In the garden."

"Now?"

"Yeah." Tristan beamed. "It's clear out, and the garden is beautiful at all times of year."

"Will they mind?" she asked.

"Nah." Tristan shook his head. "After all, I spent a lotta time playing in there when I was little. Besides, it's the type of thing Han would like to see, I think."

Oh, he would, for sure, Reina thought with a bone-deep certainty. So she nodded, shrugged, and got up herself.

...

"Oh, careful, Rae, don't rip your dress." Tristan told her as she followed him into the garden, carefully making sure her skirt didn't snag on any rose thorns.

"You weren't worried about ripping my dress back in the bedroom."

Reina waggled her eyebrows when Tristan glanced back at her quizzically, then burst into laughter when realisation dawned and he blushed. Under the moonlight, it was clear to see he had gone tomato-red. She could not help but add to the embarrassment with another little tease.

"Tris, are you suuuuuure it was dancing you wanted to do out here?"

Tristan spluttered, went redder for a moment, then shook his head and chuckled. Soon, both of them were in hysterics.

They calmed down eventually, and Tristan took Reina's hand to lead her further into the garden.

"Ai learnt a lot of dances from her life as a princess," he explained. "She never cared much for the convention surrounding the dances, but she used to enjoy the dances themselves, especially when her dance partner was Han."

Tristan looked over at the dark red roses in the middle of the garden, and Reina did too. She had to remind herself to breathe, and made a point of focusing on Tristan.

"So, she taught me. She tried to teach Dad and Jun, but Jun has two left feet and refuses to admit it while Dad is actually pretty good but too self-conscious to do anything about it. So, yeah."

"I can imagine." Reina smiled fondly, despite the stab of sadness those recollections bought her-she really could imagine, all too well.

"I'm not much of a princess though." she said, doubtfully.

Tristan gave her a tender look, and then shrugged.

I'm not much of a prince, either." he said. "But it's okay. Do you have a song you want to dance to?"

Reina frowned, casting her mind back over millennia worth of music. Some lyrics floated into her head. The small little pieces of familiar memories-it's impossible to return to them so easily, isn't it…

"The only thing in my head is freaking sad."

"Oh."

Tristan considered this for a second. Then he shrugged and smiled, holding out his hand.

"Well, we can always just freestyle this," he decided. "So, Reina Nadezha, will you take this dance with me. "

"I'd be most honoured, Tristan Nadezha."

Reina gave a clumsy curtsey, and took his hand, and the two of them started their dance. Surrounded by roses, illuminated by the moon and stars, in a dress that was (extremely) vaguely regal-in that moment, Reina had never felt more loved.

…

When she fell pregnant, she was afraid. But for a change, it was not the deep, bone-drenching, unshakeable fear that she usually felt. It was not the fear that was coloured by the thousands of lifetimes she'd lived. Instead, it was more garden-variety fear, the doubt and awe and concern she was assured every woman felt when first becoming a parent.

With Tristan absolutely delighted, and his parents and Blaise also eager to become grandparents (though Blaise had started to become scatty and forgetful, which was stressful), it didn't take long for Reina to also become excited. She was growing a brand-new life. A new little life she and Tristan would be wholly responsible for. She'd messed up a lot of things, but this would not be one of them. She watched videos and read E-books and holos, attended medical appointments faithfully, and made sure she was doing everything right. And even though her morning sickness was the worst, and her ankles started to ache, and her body was transforming in an utterly alien way to her, she started to feel euphoric.

She wanted Tristan to choose the name for their child, but he'd insisted that she at least needed some input, so in the end she created lists, for Tristan to choose from when the child was born. Laure, Estelle, Nozomi or Aurora for a girl, Kiran, Felix, Faro or Lowen for a boy.

Having arranged for every kind of pain relief that she could possibly get, when the day came that her contractions started, once she was whisked off to hospital and taken to the maternity ward, things were a blur. All she really remembered was Tristan being there, holding her hand tightly. But at the end of it, there was a little bundle wrapped in a pink blanket, and though exhausted, she found herself euphoric as she drunk in every little feature of the tiny being, from the little starfish hands to the full head of wavy black hair just like Tristan's, the way her face looked angry the way it was so scrunched up, as if she wanted to file a thousand complaints. The green eyes which were a complete surprise to the both of them. Tristan chose the name Laure, making her full name Laure Nadezha.

The first feed went surprisingly well. It hurt, because as she'd read and been told, babies were strong. But Laure fed well, and gained wait appropriately, and so she was assured that everything would be fine. Indeed, when the two of them were packed off home, she still felt over the moon. The first few days, though tiring as they tried to figure out the new practicalities of their new day to day life, were wonderful.

But then it all came crashing down.

You're not good enough, you're a terrible mother. You can't do this. You'll hurt Laure the way you hurt everyone else. People like you shouldn't have children, you'll just mistreat them. The voices crowded in one morning as she was changing Laure's nappy, loud and sudden, seeming to come from both her head and everything around her. She started to feel weighted down with lead, limbs heavy, barely able to move. Even when Laure was asleep and would be for hours, she couldn't get to sleep, and then when she had to be awake to do the housework or care for Laure, she was too tired.

She was convinced it was a phase, that she would be able to power through it if only she worked a little harder, did more. She started to forgo sleep entirely, cleaning their little house until it sparkled, making sure Laure was always dressed in pretty outfits, changing her multiple times a day, reading to her all the time. But the voices started to overwhelm her, and even the slightest cry from Laure put her on edge. Eventually, she started wearing earplugs, and refusing to leave Laure's side because otherwise there'd be no way she'd see when her baby needed her. But they didn't block out the cries, or the voices.

Tristan noticed something amiss, but for as long as she could, she tried to hide it. But an evening came when Laure was about six months old, when earplugs couldn't block out the cries that didn't seem to have an obvious cause, and the voices were haunting her that first, she started crying herself. Then, once she was all cried out, she simply got up, swiped her keys from the bowl on the table, and left the house, walking twice around the block before arriving back to see Tristan frantically dialling on his phone while holding Laure.

The argument that followed was understandable, but for Reina, it was the worst thing that could happen. It confirmed what the voices were telling her, that she was horrible at this, that there was no point in her trying. And it opened the floodgates to being more openly unreasonable-she cycled between earplugs and not leaving Laure's side, at the cost of all other household tasks, and upping and leaving randomly without warning. She cried half the time, and screamed at Laure and Tristan the rest. She managed to resist drink, but eating and sleep went out of the window for the most part. She resisted any offer of support-her brain filtered it all as more proof that she was a complete failure. Their household, which had once been so happy, devolved into one where they were all walking on eggshells, where she'd explode at the slightest provocation and Tristan was reaching the end of his tether.

She couldn't hate him, though. As he always had, he tried to be understanding. Even as his exasperation proved all too clear, when she was reduced to a sobbing heap he hugged her, rocked her, clumsily sang the lullabies that she had learnt from Rumi and then tried to teach him. He took on as many extra house chores that he could, and encouraged her to wean Laure on time so that he could get up for her feeds, too. He tried, so hard. Reina couldn't blame him, and never did. The cold hard truth was that it was all her, and contradictorily, it was the fact that Tristan tried to refute this that angered her. She was beyond help, couldn't he see that?

There was no dramatic event, no particular downturn that caused her to leave. Things started to get worse, to be sure. She broke her own phone and e-screen, convinced they were being used to capture evidence that she was a bad mother. When she did drop off for a few moments, she imagined herself shaking Laure, or suffocating her with the pretty blankets she'd been so excited about getting for her. From time to time, she forgot that she was Reina Nadezha, and started acting as if she was one of her other lives-gathering any household item that could be a weapon and hoarding them, amongst other things. This, on top of everything else.

But she still had a shred of her mind left, enough to know that it couldn't go on. Her baby was surely going to be scarred from all this, and she couldn't bear that. But she simply couldn't see how it could be fixed, because it was her. It was all her, and she was a disaster. A cursed disaster. So one night, when Laure was 13 months old, she made sure that she was clean, dry and all tucked up. Then, she walked out the way she always did.

But this time, she didn't come back.

…

Yawning and shivering, she trudged into Eos, and looked around her. She wouldn't stay long, just to see if perhaps she'd be lucky enough to be offered a drink, or some coins. This village was closest to the dust road she'd spent the night in, so it made sense to come here, before advancing on. Even though she was thinner, her hair was shorter, and her baggy clothes made her look masculine (because she had learnt the hard way before that when on the streets, it was easier to appear as a man), it was entirely possible she'd be recognised. The voices often threatened that she would.

You can do this. After all, you've done it before. So many times, she had done it before. In some ways, being homeless was almost easier than other aspects of her life so far had been. She trudged forward, keeping her head down as she looked for a café, pretending that she wasn't as familiar with the streets as she really was.

Out of habit, she looked up when she passed the memorial wall, looking at all the plaques that bore names, dates and tributes to various deceased. She still couldn't look at a memorial wall without feeling the same shivers she had when she'd seen her own (well, technically Raeon's) on holiday when she'd been about 10 or 11. But perversely, because of that, she still looked. She didn't pay too much attention to the details, but then she saw the second name Nadezha, and her heart skipped a beat. Wait, no….

Frantically, she swept her gaze back, until she saw it. Lysander Nadezha, with a death date from the year before. Right next to it, Juniper Nadezha, five years before that. For a moment, time slowed.

"They're…dead?" she murmured to herself. "But how…how can that be?"

Idiot. The breaking of the curse wasn't going to make them immortal. Just free.

"But…"

That means, it's over. It's over, isn't it? She struggled to breathe, staring up at those names. They're dead, and I know what Han did, but…

…where there's a possibility of life, there's a possibility of hope…right?

Eventually, she managed to get her breathing in control, and she steeled herself. She pressed her fingers to Jun's name, then to Lysander's. Then, she adjusted her hood, straightened up, and walked back the way she had come.

…

Of course, she couldn't go back to her old life. Laure was no doubt happy and adjusted with a dad like Tristan, and no doubt his parents picked up the slack. She'd only cause turmoil if she suddenly turned up. In any case, she was sure that she would be unrecognisable to them, and not just because her hair was short. Instead, she decided to just try and rebuild a semi-normal life.

She approached a homeless shelter, and with their help, she once again managed to get off the alcohol. She went on medication for the voices and the overwhelming despair, and attempted therapy, though all she was able to get out of it were methods to further push the voices back. She found a small, poky flat and a job as a waitress in a small café, and once she'd earned enough, moved to a slightly less poky flat, and found another waitressing job, this one in a tourist town.

Years went by, and she kept her head down. She was friendly with her coworkers, but did not make friends. She did not date at all, and though she lived frugally, occasionally she splurged on a treat-usually a movie (Heitarou had become a famous film director, and she made a particular point of watching his) and then some ice-cream for afterwards, or a short day trip to somewhere intriguing. She dressed in bland, neutrally coloured clothes, and nobody gave her a first glance, let alone a second. The only hint that she had come from somewhere were the two rings she wore on a chain underneath whatever shirt she was wearing-her rose gold wedding ring, and a silver one engraved with Laure's name, bought for her by Tristan, when he had still been a source of comfort in her terror. It was an unassuming life. Nobody would miss her if she left it. And yet, she held onto it.

Her one real spark was the hope that maybe, just maybe, Han's actions hadn't worked. There was still the possibility that the three of them had reincarnated, particularly Cinn. There was still the hope that she'd see him again, and somehow, miraculously, become a part of his life.

But though both her job and her few trips gave her the opportunity to scan faces, she did not see theirs.

…

It was only an ordinary. A group of young women, clearly there on holiday, coming in to order food, and then sitting and chatting. They were friendly and polite to Reina the entire time she served them, but didn't pay much attention to her beyond that. They chatted about jobs and boyfriends and other things-one girl mentioned plans to visit her grandmother, and meeting up with her father first. They were bright and personable.

And one of them was Laure.

Laure, her hair in a loose ponytail, green eyes bright and sceptical behind their red-rimmed glasses. A spray of freckles across her nose that were so much like Blaise's. The girl visiting her grandmother with her father. Even before she'd heard one of her companions jokingly address her as 'Lorrie' and then later another use her proper name, she had recognised her as her baby. Her sweet baby, whose name was engraved into a ring she wore, always. Even though it had been so, so long since she'd last looked at her, Reina would have recognised her anywhere, anytime.

But Laure didn't recognise her. She did not even frown in a she looks familiar manner. Instead, she was the same as all her friends. Friendly, polite, but not beyond that-not to someone who was just another waitress. She clamped her feelings down-she had to, after all. But the entire time she was there, even as she served others, she kept looking over, kept hoping. In the end though, the result was the same.

Laure didn't recognise her.

…

Reina wasn't sure how it was she managed to function after Laure and her gaggle of friends left. Just like that, the vague fuzzy sense of contentment she'd managed to gain from her colourless life had vanished. She had no idea why she was continuing it, especially since it was surely clear by now they were gone. Gone, irrevocably so.

I'm not doing this anymore.

The moment her shift finished, she grabbed her jacket and her things, and headed straight to the grocery store, going straight to where the alcohol was kept. Scanning her ID-card to open the chillers, she grabbed bottles at random. If drinks tasted the way she remembered, then it didn't matter what she got, she just needed enough of it. Once her basket was full, she headed to the till to get her bottles counted so she could pay.

"Um…."

The cashier looked wide eyed at the basket, then tremulously up at Reina, clearly unsure of whether she should proceed or not. Reminded of Tsuka (because of course she remembered her name now, when it was useless), arranging the shrine space for Han and dropping the flower petals, Reina wasn't sure whether to laugh, or to cry. Instead, she glared.

"Look, I have my ID, it's for a party, just ring it through!"

"O-Okay!" the girl squeaked.

Thankfully, for the amount she'd picked up, the process ended up not taking too long at all. She gathered up the bags and walked down the quiet streets, heading towards her apartment. Once she was in, she didn't even bother taking off her boots or her brown jacket. Instead, she headed straight to the living room, and dumped her bags there. Then, she headed to the bathroom, rootling in the cupboard until she found the sleeping pills she had been prescribed years ago. She wasn't sure they'd even work, but whatever. One way or another, she was doing this.

She took the bottle back to the living room, and then sat on the floor, taking the bottles out of the bag until they surrounded her in a semi-circle. Then, she opened one, before taking a handful of the pills, and swallowing. She chased down that mouthful with drink, and then took another mouthful of pills, and then repeated, over and over, as if robotic. Once the pills were gone, she just drank, barely stopping between bottles, even as she began to feel sick, even as her vision blurred and her hands wobbled and everything seemed further and further away. More than once, she threw up, but despite the smell and how it made her feel, she did not move. Did not stop.

Eventually, she felt the end coming, and she shifted position so she was curled on the floor. She thought of the family that she'd had in this life, and then the family she'd never been able to have, in any of her lives. In the end, this life had been the same as all the others. Cruelty had turned out not to just be the more obvious things, but the pain of trying to slot into a life that didn't fit. Of a life in which you'd always destroy things, even when all you wanted to do was cherish them. She had certainly done that, over and over.

Ah, I don't want to see those memories anymore…with her last breath, she closed her eyes and hoped fervently that whatever happened next, she would not wake up again.

…

She woke up again.

---

I incorporated some lyrics translations from 'If~We Meet Again' into the story, and I pulled said translations from the website 'lyricstranslate', so credit to that site and the specific translation (Yukinekorin) who put up the lyrics there. I also feel like adding that another song that would fit with this fic is 'LEO' by Eve, so if you were in need of a song recommendation to try out then you have one right there.

Anyway, as I said at the beginning, I really, really hope you enjoyed this. Please leave a review if you can :)