He didn't want to believe it at first. Jasper was one of the strongest gems he knew. She was always training, always ready for a fight. She had been his mentor at a time where his life was spiraling out of control. She had made him confident in his abilities, encouraged him to embrace his strength instead of running from it.
"Come on, come on! Show me what you can really do!"
He hesitated during their rematch, afraid of hurting her. She immediately noticed and goaded him into using his full strength. It had been going so well, but he allowed himself to lose control. The power was intoxicating and for the first time in months he finally felt good about himself.
"You're right, Jasper. I have been holding back."
Maybe if he hadn't been so focused on winning he would have restrained himself, but in that moment the only thing that mattered was beating Jasper. He remembered feeling clever when he trapped her in his shields. She certainly had not been expecting that. The spikes were to ensure his victory. He didn't hold back, putting all of his pent up rage and frustration into that final attack.
He had been laughing when he floated down, ready to taunt her and bask in his own victory. Even when he failed to locate her body he was unconcerned. It was Jasper; she probably just retreated into her gem.
It wasn't until he saw her misshapen gemstone that he realized something was wrong. Panic pierced his heart when he knelt down and picked up a shard that was lodged in the earth. It was far too small and jagged to be her gem, but he recognized the orange color and knew that it had to be her.
For a while he was frozen in place, staring at the shard in confusion. His brain refused to process what had happened. He probably would have stayed there all night were it not for the rain drizzling on him. The cold water shocked him into action. He tore up the earth in search of the rest of her. His fingernails were caked in mud by the time he found the last shard.
He cradled the shards in the palm of his hand, making sure that he got every last one before taking off. He was numb as his legs carried him, his surroundings blurred around him. He wasn't sure how or when he arrived home, but he didn't stop to question it.
He burst through the front door, gasping for breath. He ignored the worried cries of his family and dashed to the bathroom. The door shut behind him. He turned on the faucet in the bathtub. He ripped open the medicine cabinet and dumped the Diamond vials into the water.
His heart pounded against his chest with such strength that he was sure his family could hear it. His hands shook as he lowered them into the colorful swirls of water. His tears dripped into the bathtub.
"Please, please let this work!"
He held the pieces together, hoping they would fuse. Jasper couldn't be gone. Soon she would be back. He just had to wait.
"Please…"
He removed his hand from the water. Even without looking at it he knew it hadn't worked. The shards in his hands burned against his cold skin. Guilt prevented him from dropping them. He was gasping for breath as he stumbled away from the bathtub. Jasper was dead. He killed her.
The pounding on the door only increased as the minutes ticked by. He couldn't let the gems see this, couldn't let them find out he was a… shatterer.
The door burst open. He clutched the shards close to his chest.
"Steven, what is going on with you?"
"We looked everywhere for you!"
His breaths turned frantic as he struggled to get enough oxygen into his lungs. Pearl's worried hands brushed against his forehead. He flinched under her tender touch. He didn't deserve any kindness, not after what he just did.
Worried questions were being lobbed at him, but he didn't understand any of it. He could only focus on the shards of his mentor still hidden in his hand. Gentle fingers brushed against his damp cheeks.
"Steven, we want to help you, but you need to tell us what's wrong." Garnet said, eyes pleading.
She had taken off her visor at some point. They were all staring at him with identical looks of concern. He couldn't bear all the attention and shut his eyes, blocking out their desperate voices. Someone was tugging at his arm, trying to remove it from its place on his chest. He resisted, but he was too tired to put up a fight.
"C'mon Steven let go! Why won't you let us help you?"
They pried open his hand. Sharp gasps and fearful murmurs filled the bathroom.
"Is that… Jasper?" Amethyst's pained voice was like a punch to the gut.
Jasper was Amethyst's sister; a Famethyst and he had killed her.
"Steven, what happened? Who did this?"
"Steven please talk to us!"
He was relieved when someone took the shards away from him. He wanted to run away, but found that his legs refused to listen. His family wanted answers that he dreaded giving.
His voice was barely above a whisper, "... It was me."
The gems went silent the instant they heard him.
"What do you mean?" Pearl asked, when he didn't continue.
He didn't answer.
"Steven, what do you mean?" she repeated, voice urgent.
"I… Jasper… I didn't mean to."
Realization then shock flashed across their faces. If the gems were disgusted by him they didn't show it. He crumpled onto the floor, exhausted.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He was sobbing now, his shoulders shaking as someone engulfed him in a hug. He tried pulling away, but the other person's grip on him only tightened. They were whispering reassurances to him.
His voice was hoarse as he cried out in anguish. He struggled against the embrace. He didn't deserve to be comforted; He was a monster.
"It's going to be ok."
His heaving sobs echoed throughout the dark room. He knew it would never be ok.