The Road Trip

Peter Quill scoffed as the flawlessly polished doors of Stark's brand-new fully custom Model S opened upward with a hiss. Stark looked back at him, aviators gleaming.

"A bit much, don't you think?" Quill asked, sliding into the spacious back seat.

Spider-Man replied from the front passenger seat, "Do you know who you're talking to here?"

"How much did this set you back?"

Stark didn't reply. Quill looked toward the front of the supercar, meeting eyes with Peter Parker.

"Parker, how much did this showy-ass gold plated DeLorean set him back?"

Spider Man shrugged, "I guarantee the taxes are more than your net worth."

"Who let this kid take shotgun?"

Stark conveniently looked away.

"Aww, poor thing. It's not your fault Iron Man likes me better," Parker replied.

"Yeah, yeah. You gonna start calling him daddy?" Star-Lord quipped.

"Please don't," Stark quickly added, stepping on the gas.

Quill laughed to himself, only because this road trip was billed to him as "relaxing" and "a good stress reliever". Why did he sign up for this again? He looked around the vehicle's spacious interior, marveling at the controls. He wondered where the volume knob was – or a/c for that matter. All he saw was a flat glass panel in the cockpit.

"Hey," came Parker's voice from the shotgun seat, "Wanna know a fun fact?"

"No," Quill replied instantaneously.

"Too bad. Did you know this car has four independent sound systems? One for each seat?"

Stark couldn't resist the opportunity to flex. "Noise-cancelling too. While you figure out how to plug in your crappy little Walkman with a cable that hasn't been relevant for decades, I can relax to the zen melodies of the Chinese pan flute."

Before he could properly marvel at Stark's technological wizardry, his thoughts were shattered by the sound of AQUA's "I'm A Barbie Girl", blasting through twin 12-inch subwoofers, jarring his organs into Jell-O.

"OH GOD SPIDER-MAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

"What?" Parker replied from the front seat. "Speak up?" He cranked the music louder.

Quill cussed, but Barbie Girl went harder.

"What's that, can't figure out a touchscreen?"

Star Lord's eyes shifted around the cockpit, concerned. He reached out, tapping the screen repeatedly.

"Ooooh, steee-rike one," Parker laughed.

"How about I stee-rike your smug little face back into the 1980's," Quill yelled.

The music was so loud, they could barely hear the crunch of their windshield shattering as the hulking form of a mermaid - or was it a man? - crashed through, dripping wet. Stark hit the brakes, tires squealing.

"APOLOGIES," the merman yelled. Pausing momentarily. The sound of the woofers shook him to the fin.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ATLANTIS?" He looked around for a volume knob, eventually deciding to put a fist through Stark's new sound system. It fizzled to a stop.

"Watch it, fishface," Stark glared through his impossibly dark shades. The man stared back, unflinching. "You think you can just smash up my brand new Model S - S for Stark - and just get away with it?" Stark yelled.

"Yeah, do you know who this guy is?" Spidey jabbed, "You're lucky he's not in his suit, he'll whoop your mermaid ass"

"I do not know", the man replied stoically. "Please introduce yourself."

Iron Man balled his fist. "Don't you think we're a little past introductions?"

"I am Aquaman," Aquaman replied. "I hail from the kingdom of Atlantis"

"Aquaman, we know already," Quill cut him off.

"I will explain later. Just get me home. The sea will heal me."

"Look, gills-for-brains," Spider-Man shot back. "You better have a reason for smashing up Daddy's little toy."

Stark buried his face in his hands.

"Uh, guys?" Star-Lord pointed in the distance. "Forget Daddy's little toy, here comes Daddy's Little Monster."

Harley Quinn pulled up beside them in her brand new Jeep, decorated with hot pink spikes. Her baseball bat sat in the front seat, dripping with fish blood, as she revved the engine dramatically.

"Ya guys need a ride?"

"NO!" Stark's three passengers yelled simultaneously.

"How kind of you," Tony replied. "Please! Long time no see."

Parker glanced at him, confused. "Wait- you guys know each other?"

"Of course!" Stark shot back, miming a kiss out his window to Harley Quinn.

"Sparky?" Harley clapped her hand against her mouth as her face lit up. "You're still alive? After Endgame?!"

"Would I ever disappoint you like that, sugar?" Stark shot back. Parker gagged visibly. He knew he was in for one hell of a road trip.

After waiting for the doors of Stark's battered Model S to open with a pained hydraulic moan, Stark, Parker and Aquaman made their way, hesitantly, to the remaining three seats of Quinn's jeep. Star Lord, the slowest of the four, had seemed to draw the short straw.

Spider-Man patted his lap. Quill flipped him off.

"I'm telling you we're lost," Aquaman said looking out the window.

"Tell me tha' one more time and I'll kick yer sorry ass outta the car," Harley Quinn shot back, slowing to a crawl as Stark and Quill fought for a map, with Peter Parker's scrawny body wedged between their laps.

"You'd think it would be easy for Aquaman to locate a whole ocean," Spidey replied. "We're going to the beach now, right?"

"If only," Stark replied, "we had this little thing called, OH I DON'T KNOW A GODDAMN GPS, AND YET SOME BUFFOON CAME HURTLING THROUGH THE STRATOSPHERE AND SMASHED MY DAMN MILLION DOLLAR SUPERCAR!"

Now I have to go buy another, he said quietly to himself.

"Shut it, Sparky," Aquaman said with a smirk.

"Jesus, for the last time, that is not my name!"

"It is what you were introduced as, is it not?"

"OH MY GOD YOU ARE FRICKIN SMILING STOP IT!"

"Stop what?"

"Your little" Stark mimed around, looking for a word that wasn't a cuss. He glanced down at Parker. "Your charade!"

"I was warned you land dwellers can be confusing. They use a thing called sarcasm. Is this sarcasm?"

"Oh! I know exactly where we are!" The heroes were thrown to the side as Harley made a sharp turn that seemed to lead nowhere. Parker slammed into Stark, whose face squished against the window. Quill followed suit, their bodies in an awkward tangle.

"Just kidding," she laughed maniacally.

"Calm your tits," Star Lord said from the back.

"No u!"

Star lord looked down at his chest, briefly.

"GOT 'EM, HAHAHA!" the car swerved, before Quinn reminded herself she was still driving. "Whoops!"

Stark groaned. "Who's idea was this anyway". The four other passengers collectively turned their heads his way.

A moment of silence passed, before Parker's voice shattered the air.

"Are we there yet?"

Quinn replied, "If I hear that again I will strangle you with your own web."

"Ooh, my spidey senses smell a lawsuit," Parker quipped back.

"Sparky, I love ya, but the toddler has to go."

"And what do you suggest, I throw him out the window?"

"Please," Star Lord begged.

"At least slow down first," Aquaman added.

Harley slammed on the brakes, drawing everyone's attention.

"Again?" Spidey whined.

Star Lord groaned as his head hit the back of the seat, "What the hell?"

"THANK GOD A GAS STATION!" Stark yelled.

"It's about time we air out this ripe little car. I'm gonna be smelling fish for weeks," Spidey whined.

"I smell nothing," Aquaman replied, as the Jeep rattled into the small, ramshackle Kum-n-Go just outside Ridgewood, New Jersey. They were the only car at the pumps.

"Probably can't smell anything beyond your own stench, huh seaweed brain," Harley turned off the car and started filling the tank.

Stark made a beeline for the convenience store. "I need Funyuns. Anyone else want a snack?"

"What, besides you?" Harley Quinn flashed Stark a coy smile, but he had already ducked away into the store. The doorbell let out a muted, electric ding as the attendant, a muscular, chisel-jawed man snapped to attention. Stark recognized him at once. He reached up to the side of his head, activating his Jarvis-enabled earpiece. "Uh, guys?" Stark called out, apprehensive. "We've got a problem"

The attendant scowled, speaking in a low growl. "What a coincidence", he said. "Going on a joy ride and you didn't think to invite me?"

"We're not exactly on good terms, Wayne. What exactly are you doing here in the middle of Nowheresville, New Jersey anyway?"

"Catching up to my quarry. You better get out of my way, Stark", the man - Batman - replied.

Harley Quinn sprinted into the door. "Long time no see, mate". Stark put his palm to his face as Peter Parker added, "Y'know, for a bat, you're awfully slow!"

"What is this, some twisted joke?" Bruce Wayne growled.

"Four heroes and a wanted criminal walk into a gas station? Can't wait for the punchline," Harley giggled as Star Lord entered the convenience store, phaser drawn, followed closely by Aquaman.

"Lemme guess," Spidey interjected, turning to Harley, "the punch line is about land squarely in your face"

"There there," Stark warned, dismissing Parker, along with Star Lord's weapon. "I'm sure we can discuss this as civilized humans"

"Civilized humans don't cross The Bat," Batman responded, stoic. He locked eyes with young Parker, then Quinn, as if they were nothing but pesky little flies asking to be squashed, before shifting back to meet Stark's gaze. "Get off your high horse, Iron Man. Sheltering a criminal? This is beneath you." He paused. "We serve justice, Stark. Did you suddenly forget?"

"You know, Harley's not half bad once you get to know her. She's changed"

"Why don't you and your entitled little band of powerless freaks just mind your own business" Batman warned. "I have a villain to catch"

"Powerless freaks" Spidey questioned. "Puh-lease, speak for yourself"

"Why is the metahuman here too?" Batman questioned. "What is he, your son now?"

Stark took a step toward Parker, defensive. "At least my sidekicks don't keep dying!"

"Ooooh, ouch" Harley Quinn fanned herself with her hand, making a burning sssss noise to rub it in.

Sidekick? Spidey frowned. Wayne took a step back, speechless as a long beat of silence passed. Instinctively, he raised his fists.

Aquaman immediately became distracted by an entire cooler of bottled Aquafina water. It reminded him of home. He bent over slightly, holding his rib - still sore from his impact with Stark's supercar. His voice rose above the rest. "Forget your squabbles, fish-brained land dwellers! You have put my mission in danger, trusted to me by the highest officers of the council of Atlantis!"

"Talk about pretentious," Spidey mouthed.

"You all have given me nothing but trouble!" Aquaman yelled, his voice dominating the room as he turned to Star Lord. "I give you ONE SIMPLE OBJECTIVE, to get me home to my people, and yet you cannot locate THE ATLANTIC OCEAN?"

Stark defended, "Nothing but trouble? Please, coming from the man that single handedly wrecked my car, with Parker and Quill inside, that's rich"

"Is everyone done with their bitching?" Harley Quinn asked, irritated.

"No," Aquaman replied, raising a finger at her. "I am not done. In conclusion, Harley Quinn, Your driving sucks."

"That's it, fishface", Harley turned around dramatically, raising her middle finger. "Have fun, losers. I'm outta 'ere"

"Not so fast," Batman lunged after her, a powerful bat-slap jarring Harley to the brain as she fought to regain her balance. She took a step back, dazed. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of another hand - Stark's hand - on a beeline for Batman's face, and it connected just as hard. And before she could process what had gone down, she caught a hard elbow to the ribs as both her and Batman were slammed to the ground by a charging Aquaman. Batman immediately wrapped his muscular arms around Harley's neck, but let go just as quick as she sunk her sharp teeth into the flesh of his arm. Harley hissed angrily. Aquaman threw wild punches, not caring who he connected with. He was through with these losers.

"Aw look, they're cuddling," Spider Man said, as he shot a net of webs at the tangle of wrestling bodies before him - pulling them even closer together. "Isn't that romantic, Mr Stark?" He looked around for his fellow Avenger, but he had vanished. "Tony?"

Stark was outside, slapping his head angrily. Stupid Tony. Ultron warned me this trip was a bad idea. But did I listen? Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. He looked down at his wristwatch and pressed the button, requesting his iron suit. He wondered if it had enough fuel to fly the whole way from Avengers tower and pick him up. How long could that possibly take, five minutes? I can deal with five more minutes"

He walked back into the gas station to see five bodies in a flurry of punches and limbs, barely visible over the growing cloud of Dorito dust and flamin' hot Cheetos, as yet another isle of the store crashed down into the mess on the ground. He saw his precious Harley, backing up ,in tears as she fought the sting of the Takis that Batman had rubbed into her eyes. Even without his suit, Stark charged into battle. "You've got your snack, Batman. Now it's time you get your Just Desserts!"

Loki fist-bumped the Joker. "I did not expect this plan to work so well",

"Whoever thought this up must be stone-cold crazy!" The Joker cackled recklessly, as he walked through the doors of Avengers Tower with a skip in his step.

"By all means, take your time" Loki said, pausing to admire the glass cases of precious artifacts decorating the spacious lobby, as a grin began to spread across his face. "Tsk, tsk, leaving so many priceless objects unguarded. How irresponsible"

The Joker threw a stick of dynamite at the receptionist, who scampered to a different room, shaking her head. Why does it always have to be on my shift?! It exploded with a bang as alarms began to blare.

"Jackpot," Joker said as he put a fist through one of the cases. He pulled out Loki's mangled staff, tossing it to its rightful owner, before stuffing several large burlap sacks full of the precious loot. Soon, the two villains had swept the lobby clean, and descended the stairs to the basement vault, brimming with S.H.I.E.L.D technology.

"This is just too easy," Loki said as he put a swift bolt of energy through the two armed operatives guarding the vault, without so much as a shot in return. "Should've opened the portal to DC so much earlier"

Joker laughed, eyeing a glowing yellow gem in a Vibranium case before them. "Iron Man's a gullible one, isn't he! A road trip? With those losers? How did he think that wouldn't end in a fight?"

"Imagine what the gas station camera must be seeing now"

"Imagine?" Joker replied, swiping the case containing what used to be Vision's precious Infinity Stone "We can do so much better than imagine with this thing"

Loki eyed Joker, his face lit up by the radiant gem. "Come back to my castle in Asgard. We can watch this hilarious tragedy unfold."

Joker cackled, feeling the adrenaline course through his veins as he bounded back up the stairs and out of the tower, covering his tracks with a grenade that spewed heavy, black smoke. "Sounds like a date"

Loki clapped him on the back as they strode toward their getaway spaceship. "Brother, it is time we bring this world into a new era"

"Couldn't have said it better myself, you absolute madman!" Joker beamed with delight as he imagined all the terror that was about to catch the world by storm - not just the world, he was beyond that now - but the universe. Two universes! He could barely contain himself. It truly was the beginning of a new era, an era that would unceremoniously be called…

MCU Phase Four