I thought Butters was gay ever since he had bitten into my neck and gave me a hickey which woke me up. He then backed up and hopped off my bed, looking embarrassed. He got spit all over my neck and it was fucking gross. Why did Butters climb into my room at night and give me a hickey? The only explanation was that he was gay.

"So, Butters. Are you gonna apologize for that one time you snuck into my room and gave me a hickey?" I asked him while we were at school.

"Yeah. Sure, Eric. I was just so hungry." He said.

"Then get a fucking poptart while your parents are asleep. You don't have to walk all the way over to my house at night just to give me a hickey! Besides, I had to wear a turtleneck the next day because I didn't want the guys thinking I'm gay." I said.

"What's wrong with being gay, Eric?" He asked. "I think we're all a little gay."

"Nothing is wrong with being gay, Butters. I'm just not, okay? I had this exact same talk with Cupid Me." I said.

"Who is Cupid Me?" He asked.

First Kyle didn't know who Cupid Me was, then Butters. I swore he was real, though, and I wasn't having any delusions because I saw Kenny as a ghost when he died all the time so he must be real! Right? My mom couldn't even see him, but that was probably because she was hella old and losing her imagination.

"Nobody." I said. "Anyway, are you also gonna apologize for puking on my floor?" I asked.

"Yeah, Eric. I'm sorry for puking on your floor. It was just all the blood." He said.

"Blood?" I asked, confused.

"Yes. It made me vomit." He said.

"Well, look. I'm glad you've overcome your sexual identity and you're gay, and find me very attractive, but I'm not gay. Okay?" I insisted.

"I don't believe that, Eric. You've done a lot of gay stuff." He said.

"W-what do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, Kyle told me that the surprise was putting my wiener in your mouth, and you sucked Kyle's balls in Imaginationland..."

I cut him off. "That's not called being gay, Butters. It's a bet."

"Stop fighting it, Eric. You're gay." He said.

"I'm not gay!"

Wait. Maybe I was gay. I really wanted Kyle to suck my balls. I even went to court for it. Maybe I was the one confused about my sexual identity. Why was I fighting it? When Tweek and Craig were gay, everyone started giving them money. And they were still together!

"Face it, Eric. When you were with Heidi, all you wanted to do was hang out with the guys, and you were always pissed off at your girlfriend." Butters reminded me.

Right. Heidi. I had tried to kill her in the woods. My own girlfriend. Ex girlfriend. She had put a gun to my head and played the victim. She broke up with me even when I told her I was going to kill myself if she did. And Wendy...she said she had feelings for me and that they completely vanished, just to go back to Stan, and she kissed me in front of everyone and left. Fucking bitch. Girls sucked.

"Well. Maybe I am gay." I said.

"Don't you feel better?" He asked.

"Not really." I said.

Butters then kissed me on the cheek and I was surprised and taken aback.

"I love you, Eric." He said.

I kissed him then.

I pulled away and said, "Wanna know why I did that? Pretend it's your first kiss. I was wrong. You shouldn't have kissed that whore Sally or whatever. Kyle was right, but don't tell him i said that."

"I won't, Eric." He giggled. "It will be our secret."

"You're not a dork, Butters." I said.

"I know, Eric." He said.

Then I said, "Let's go play tetherball."

"Are you gonna hit me, Eric?" He asked.

"No. Why would I do that?" I asked. "I just kissed you, stupid."

"Oh. Yeah." He said. "I just didn't like the feeling of my underwear being so far up my buttcrack."