Kimi ga Iru Kara

(Because I Need You)

First Chapter – How did we get here?

. . .

Maybe if my heart stops beating

It won't hurt this much

And never will I have to answer

Again to anyone

Please don't get me wrong

Because I'll never let this go

But I can't find the words to tell you

I don't wanna be alone

But now I feel like I don't know you

Never Let This Go – Paramore

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"I hate you!" Those words were spoken with visible contempt; something like anger gleaming fiercely in the green eyes of the speaker. Eren.

Eren was saying he hated her.

Despite the initial shock, and all of her insides contracting painfully as if she had been punched in the pit of her stomach, she did her best not to crumble. Not in front of him. She breathed calmly and struggled so that nothing in her heart could be reflected in her countenance. This time, she wouldn't show her usual expression of sadness after being rejected by him, even if she was totally confused.

As soon as Eren got to his feet, rising from the infirmary bed where he was once lying, Mikasa did the same. Previously she was, as usual, sitting in a chair and keeping company to an unconscious Eren, quite concerned and uneasy about his condition. When he awoke, his bleary eyes said only one thing: he was exhausted. Disappointed. Feeling like trash. But he didn't shed any tears; in fact, he had already cried all he could when the mission failed and more people died because of him.

Mikasa couldn't tell when the conversation turned into a fight. He probably didn't want the comfort she was willing to give, maybe that would only make him feel even worse.

And then they got here.

"I don't care, Eren," she lied stoically, and he knew it. He knew, but kept pretending not to see. In any case, she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of surrendering. She stared at him impassively, as if she was unshaken, though the explosion in her chest indicated that all she wanted to do was cry. "As long as you're here..." She swallowed, feeling her throat slowly wanting to close. "As long as you're where I can see you, it's fine." That was the only truth she allowed herself to say. For a brief moment, she let the shadow of her concern for his life appear in her dark eyes, although she knew she would receive no thanks.

But that was fine, because she never loved Eren expecting something in return. She cared for his life simply because she couldn't stand the thought of losing him.

And as much as he had never said so explicitly as now, Mikasa realized she already knew. His eyes, which constantly burned with fury beneath furrowed brows, were always clear enough. He hated her, right? Perhaps in the simplest and purest sense of the word. She was already used to it, dealing with the feelings so fierce that came from him.

But who would love her if she couldn't love herself?

She had found within herself a desire to survive, to persist and fight even when it seemed that a misstep could lead her into the abyss. But she had missed something very important in this process. The will to live. She was too preoccupied with dealing with things around to remember that she also needed to take care of herself – rest wasn't exactly a word that existed in her vocabulary. She had become a cold, apathetic person, indifferent to anything she thought unimportant to the cause she fought for. The urge to stay strong had taken everything she had. Only the void remained.

And she didn't love herself because there was nothing good or praiseworthy about being who she was. Because she had not been able to save her parents and had still got her hands dirty with other people's blood. She knew it wasn't her fault, that she'd done the right thing to save Eren and herself… But that didn't make her feel better, her parents just wouldn't come back. She was just forcing herself to move on, as she felt she was lost in this difficult and cruel world.

Her essence, where was it? The only thing remaining was an immeasurable sadness. A pain so constant she didn't know how she could stand it.

Mikasa had learned to fight incomparably, and she masterfully played any role assigned to her, but she could not protect her loved ones. Not the way she expected. Now she was killing titans, yet she still couldn't get the result she wanted. She kept killing and killing, and with it came the feeling that something inside her was dying too. Her faith. Belief in herself and perhaps in all of humanity. What was she waiting for? The end of everything? As much as she fought, It seemed she would never be able to see it.

She knew that in such a twisted world, attachment to anything was considered a weakness. And she'd done her best not to have any kind of "over-affection", because when she finally lost someone else, it might not hurt as much as the first time.

But undoubtedly, Eren was her weakness. The most obvious and corrosive. Deep and latent. She didn't blame him for hating her. Because although it was not her intention, her love seemed to choke him. Painfully and intensely, it cornered him. But she couldn't give him up, he was all she still had and needed. As long as he was well… She would do her best to suppress her own pain and live with that hatred.

"You don't understand anything, Mikasa!" This time he shouted angrily. And she really didn't understand the point of that discussion.

Mikasa knew that her friendship with him was on the line. But even so, she didn't make herself try to understand him. Because it was useless, it would make no difference. He would still hate her, nothing would change. She was bound to lose everyone she loved in one way or another. She didn't blame fate, though. She blamed herself, for she had become so unshakable, yet she was still so weak when it came to protecting the people around her...

"I don't need you to protect me or tell me what to do!" Eren continued, seeing that he would not get an answer from her. Fury seemed to drip hot through his veins as his voice echoed through the room and scattered in the air like the dried leaves that covered the autumnal ground outside.

How many times had he said those same words? How many times he exclaimed that she was not his mother nor his sister and should not try to act as such? Mikasa had lost count.

But this time he was the one who didn't understand what was going on inside her. How tightly she clung to his existence in a desperate attempt to stay sane. Conscious. Breathing.

Because, as much as she had discovered that she had an unquenchable desire to live to the last, most fife moment, Mikasa still needed something that would bring her back to reality. Something that would drag her sharply out of her most real nightmares, which she had to face everyday. And that something was Eren. It would always be Eren. It was he who aroused in her all the feelings that died over time. Beside him, she could see things she would never see on her own. The future they fought for.

There was also Armin, he was a precious friend with whom she could not cut ties even if she wanted to, but he represented something different in her heart. Armin was the voice of intelligence and the purest form of kindness she had ever known, and she was always very grateful to have him by her side. However, it was in the Jaegers' son that she had decided to hold on when she was only nine years old, and even after so long, everything was still the same. She couldn't bear to lose him again, not as she'd let happen in Trost. That's why she was always trying to protect him, because Eren was her last spark of hope in a world as sordid and distorted as the one they lived in.

A world painted dark gray, like the heavy clouds that hung in the cloudy sky from the other side of the window.

She wanted to live and would continue to do so even if he was no longer there, that was what she had promised herself. If she died, she couldn't even remember him. Nevertheless, she had no guarantee she would stay sober after all. Mikasa preferred a reality where Eren was present, because so the world could still be beautiful, albeit cruel. Without him, it would be cruel and meaningless. All that would be left would be distant memories and broken images of a future she could never have.

She just wanted to feel needed for Eren even once, because she'd been saved by him. And on that day, of all the things she could surrender to repay her debt, she surrendered her heart, and there was no turning back. Eren Jaeger was her family, her most important bond, and that was why she was fighting. So that one day, when all was at peace again and Paradis Island free from the threat of the Titans, they could return to those times when everything was less complicated and painful.

But that seemed like a faraway dream now.

She was overwhelming Eren with all her anxiety and worry – and he already had too many problems to deal with, too many burdens to carry. He just didn't know she felt the same way… Trapped by a mix of feelings that choked her cruelly and slowly. She was silently enduring the pain and despair of loss. The loneliness of locking everything inside and having no one to share with – because she didn't want to be a nuisance.

An extra negative feeling would not be new. She could bear a few more emotions in her chest, hiding them so that they had no room in her face. Yes, she really was used to it…

But why did it hurt so much?

Why did hearing those things from Eren, the one who was her refuge, make her heart feels so tight? It was nothing she didn't already know. But why she couldn't stand listening? Why could she pretend not to know, so that she could stay by his side, but she couldn't ignore it?

"Say something!" He demanded, angry at the silence and uncompromising posture she was trying to maintain. But she, bruised inside and with no other alternative, could show nothing more, nothing less than indolence about the words coming out of his mouth.

Mikasa swallowed again, feeling a bitter taste in her mouth, and, with dull black eyes, she answered him:

"If you weren't risking yourself and the mission so hastily, I might think not to scold you." But that's not what she wish she had said.

I don't think you are unable to take care of yourself, Eren. I'm just afraid. Afraid to lose you.

And maybe that was exactly what Eren Jaeger would like to hear. He wanted to hear that he wasn't useless, that he made any difference, even if it was minimal. But she didn't speak. She chose to omit herself once more, knowing that nothing would bring them back to those times she had so longed for.

"You're so stupid," the boy said through his teeth, his jaw line becoming tense. And he gave up another fight that no longer seemed to make any sense. He just turned around with his fists clenched and, even though he was still not feeling well, left the ward.

And Mikasa's legs finally gave way, causing her to fall back to the chair.

Hope you like it! sz (Sorry for the suffering, I swear everything will be okay eventually.) XD

P.s.: they have fifteen years in this chapter.