This is an idea that wouldn't leave me. The intention is to explore the inner workings of Donna Paulsen's mind following prominent Darvey moments in the show. We get the moment but we don't see the magnitude.

This is my first fic ever and I couldn't have done it without all of the encouragement. Special shoutout to Alyssa (donnaandharvey) for the help and the beta and another to Ruthie ( popexpaulsen) for the support. I love all you guys and I hope you like it!

Walk me home in the dead of night
I can't be alone with all that's on my mind

There's something crisp and cool about the air tonight. As she makes her way down the streets of the city she loves so much, she can't help but find comfort in the subtle blowing of the wind and the way her hair kicks up in the air. It brings her solace. It calms her.

It's a habit she has; when her mind is racing and she's left alone with her thoughts too long. She's not really sure when she started taking comfort in the sidewalk under her feet or when it became the habit that it is now, but at some point over the many years of living in the hustle and bustle of New York, she found that it helped clear her head. Allows her to process all the big emotions swirling around in that big beautiful brain of hers, because sometimes, the weight of the world becomes excessive and she's only human. She needs an outlet.

Tonight is one of those nights.

She's been in her head all day worrying about him. She always worries about him. Sometimes, she knows that her every thought is focused on Harvey and she knows deep down that it isn't healthy, but that's just who he is to her. He is the center of her universe both personally and professionally. After all, if she wasn't thinking about him, worrying about him, living for him then she's almost certain his entire world would fall apart. Not to mention, if Harvey wasn't her only thought then she'd be left alone with her own. Then she'd unravel.

However, on nights like tonight, she has no choice. She has to walk it off. She has to process. If she didn't have nights like tonight, her brain wouldn't be too busy being awesome; it would be useless.

So she walks. She walks the city streets, feeling the pavement below her Louboutins and the whip of the crisp night air and she just feels.

As she turns the corner to Madison Avenue, how she got here she's not even sure, she remembers back to a few hours ago and the look on his face. After she'd practically bulldozed into Mike coming out of Stephen's office, she felt her heart sink into her stomach. Of course, Stephen had lied. He had to cover his tracks. Protect himself above anyone else.

A murderer. She'd slept with a murderer.

Maybe he didn't pull the trigger, but he certainly made the call that set everything into motion. He'd been the catalyst for the fallout. He'd caused a ricochet of consequences for no other purpose than to save his own ass.

As she pauses at the crosswalk waiting for a green light to cross,, she internally chastises herself. This walk is supposed to help her dig deep into her thoughts and emotions and she's mentally avoiding the actual topic at hand.

Harvey. Harvey Specter. It's always about Harvey.

Yes, she'd slept with Stephen. Yes, she had yet another failed "relationship" under her belt. Yes, Stephen was a murderer. But that's not what's upsetting her the most. She's honestly not even that troubled about Stephen. It's the Harvey of it all that has her running a marathon in her mind this evening.

It had bothered him. They both knew it and he'd finally said it. Then the truth had come out and she had fallen apart, right there in Harvey's office. With a simple "I'm so sorry, Harvey," she had launched a duel.

Yeah, she'd made a quip earlier in the evening, but she knew. It had been a duel. Harvey was defending her honor as much as he was defending his case. God, what an idiot she'd been. As she rounds the corner of yet another side street, she shakes her head at herself. How had she let her need to live her life cause so much damage. This is what happens when she doesn't think things through. This is what happens when she breaks her rule. "Don't go off on this tangent, Donna," she thinks to herself. "Back to the matter at hand."

Harvey. He'd fought for her tonight, albeit not in the way she always hoped he would. Not that she doesn't want him to defend her but she wants him to fight, emotionally. Fight for her. Fight for them.

As she continues meandering down the street, she pauses. She was so caught up in her thoughts, she truly hadn't realized where she was headed and as she glances up, she realizes she's found herself in front of the diner. Yes, the infamous Diner. As she looks through the window, before continuing on, she recalls the events of just a few days prior.

"You and Stephen, it bothers me. I know it's not fair, but it does," he'd said.

Big statement. Huge meaning.

She knew the minute he'd snapped at her about simply doing some work for Stephen, that nothing about this was going to end well. That's why she had her rule in the first place. "Well," she says to herself, "that's not exactly true is it, Donna?" Shaking her head again at herself, she knows she can't unpack all of that tonight. She can't unpack the magnitude of the rule and its purpose. She has to deal with these currently surfacing emotions now... and the past, well, it can stay where it is for a while. It's not going anywhere. The feelings for Harvey, about Harvey, aren't going anywhere.

For a moment, she indulges herself in her thoughts. She wonders what it might be like if they just let loose and truly said what they actually feel. Admitting their feelings? What a novel idea.

As she continues to pace her way through the avenues, she tucks her hands further into her pockets, adjusts the collar on her coat a little higher and imagines what it would be like if she had just thrown caution to the wind and admitted to Harvey what she truly feels. That Stephen was merely a replacement. He was an simple understudy, not the mainstage performer she craved. He was only a placeholder.

She wishes she'd just told Harvey the truth. That she had Stephen because she couldn't have him.

"Oh, God," she whispers to herself. What a massive thought.

Even when admitting it to herself, simply internally, she realizes the magnitude. She knows Harvey's ruined her. She's been ruined by him since that handshake in the bar, but thinking about it and admitting it outloud are two very different animals and she's content, for now, to have these feelings trapped inside the recesses of her mind. It's just too much. He's everything to her. Her entire world is and revolves around Harvey Specter. The risk is too great.

"I don't want to lose you. Come work for me."

"Donna, I need you. Need? Need."

"I don't want to find out what kind of lawyer I'd be without you."

Apparently the risk was too great for them both. He couldn't risk losing her and she can't fathom her life without him. Under her breath she rolls her eyes and whispers, "Geez, we're a mess, Harvey. You beat the shit out of a guy I was sleeping with and I'm walking miles around New York City in my $700 shoes just to get a grip." The things he makes her do.

He drives her crazy, but she wouldn't have it any other way. His crazy keeps her sane. And as she suddenly realizes, his crazy keeps her from focusing on herself and her own emotions. She is so wrapped up in the Harvey Specter of it all that she has no time to focus on Donna Paulsen's emotional rollercoaster. She secretly likes it that way. It gives her an out.

Accept on nights like tonight, where there are momentous events that she is forced to acknowledge. She prefers his crazy to hers, if she's honest.

As she pulls her coat a bit tighter, to ward off the sudden nip in the air, she tucks her hands deeper in her pockets and turns the corner for her block. As she glances up and sees the entrance to her building, she doesn't feel the comfort of home; she feels the mixings of inner turmoil. All these emotions make her realize what she already knows but can't bring herself to admit, not even to herself. That four letter word just looming in the background recesses of her mind, amidst all the chaos.

She sighs. She shakes her head gently.

It's enough. It's enough for now. She's at full capacity. So, as she gazes longingly at the front door to her building, she squares off her shoulders and straightens her back while taking a calming breath to settle herself.

She knows she's still a mess but the storm inside her head has settled into a calm and gentle sway of wind through trees. She just needed to be alone with the mile a minute thoughts running circles around the streets in her mind.

As she turns the handle and begins the climb up the stairs to #206, she has one final fleeting thought that maybe, just maybe, she'll have to stand her ground and look out for herself, but that night isn't tonight.

Tonight, she walked.

Tryna stand up on my own two feet
This conversation ain't comin' easily