Dream: Reminiscence

The gentle rays of the sun awoke me in my slumber, an indication of yet another day. I slowly turned towards the weight in the other side of the bed, ever so gently, as not to awake my sleeping husband. I could not help but giggle at the sight that greeted me, etched into his face was a slight frown which was probably due to the light greeting the room and knowing him, he was not fond of light seeping inside his sleeping quarters for it disrupts his sleep. It was an adorable statement much like what a child would say. Little things such as this is what I found very endearing of him. Peering into this man's face, I could not recall the countless times our relationship had been put to a test and of how we came to be as we are now.

As I bring my hand to brush the loose strands of hair covering his eyes, an overwhelming feeling suddenly came to me. Everything felt surreal as if I was under a dream that I knew I would never want to be awaken of. The sudden surge of emotions made me want to cry, not because I was unhappy, no - it was because of this moment that I currently share with him. I would never have imagined that I could ever find love and be so happy in love with another person other than my family. I was comfortable in my solitude and had always believed that this notion of mine will remain unchanged forever, I live for my family and only for them but now as I lay beside this man I realized that even my strong resolve could be broken.

I gently nestle my petite frame to his body and bringing my face closer to his as I feel his soft breath fanning my face. I gingerly trace my hands over his features. His forehead that seemed big from this angle, how much I love to stick my forehead close to his! His eyebrows forming a slight frown from the sun's ray and at times very expressive adding to my amusement. A pair of seemingly nonchalant eyes yet perceives even the smallest of details. His nose that I find very adorable and secretly want to pinch. His cheeks, where I first gave my first kiss and even as I remember the act makes my skin flush with embarrassment. His chin which was at time cleanly shaved and at other times would have small hairs growing from it, nonetheless attractive in my eyes. And finally, his supple lips where his words escape from. From these lips he has uttered insensitive things, countless of teasing, intelligible thoughts, and most importantly his words of love.

He shifts a bit in his sleep, worried to interrupt his sleep further I stopped my hands from trailing his face and settled on embracing him instead. From mere classmates to becoming friends our bond deepened and eventually turned into that of lovers, though not with ease. We were both two different persons. The reconciliation of our differences made the process difficult and there were times when we thought to give each other up not because we were tired but because we wanted what was best for the other. Nevertheless, we stayed and settled our differences.

Sleep was slowly creeping back to me as I stifle a yawn from escaping my lips. I read the clock on our bedside table, 6:11 AM, Sunday. There was no need to be up and neither did he. Having decided to spend the day in bed, I succumb to slumber once more.

Our days in the university was a fleeting experience, short of 4 years, yet a very memorable event in my life. I was unsure of the path I took in my life and every day was a constant struggle for me to survive and find my place in the uncertainty I put myself in. I first met him in the four corners of our seemingly classroom along with 42 other students. We were plain seatmates, nothing more and nothing less. I was not one to engage in small talks unless prompted by another person. I did not mind being by myself and I prefer to be alone than to be distracted with things unrelated to school. He seemed the same, detached and had a world of his own. For a boy of his age you would think that he would be together with a group of friends and roughhousing the classroom yet he was on his own and only spoke when needed. I paid him no heed as he did as well.

We never engaged much towards each other in our first year as classmates. The only words we ever did exchanged on our first few weeks were only of self-introduction and school-related topics otherwise we would not even utter a single word to each other. It was unnecessary in my part to converse more than I should, I was not here to make friends but to achieve my goals by getting through college and nothing more. Having friends meant that you had a responsibility to maintain your relationship with them and having expectations and fulfilling expectations of friends and yours as well. Such things were tedious tasks for me and I would not want anyone to be offended by my line of thinking and half-baked feelings thus I decided to distance myself from others.

...

However, this façade of mine was not to last long.

I gained friends and came to enjoy their company, though still on guard. Nonetheless, bonds were formed and I spent my breaks with my friends, who were all girls, eating, studying, and at times hanging out in a friend's dormitory. I gradually learned to ease up and at times reveal my bubbly character.

It was around our second year as classmates when I started noticing him more. It was probably the turning point of our relationship. I frequently find myself engaging myself in conversations with him and find his teasing vexing and yet I could not find myself to be frustrated with him. Every day with him was filled of insults but strangely, I was fine. What was it that changed? Even now I could not find my answer.

Teasing and insults was his kind of communication. He was awkward and socially inept from my observations. He doesn't converse much with the boys in class and goes home in breaks and straight home again once classes end. I find myself paying a lot of attention to him and a feeling of wanting to know him. Why? I simply do not understand.

We began spending more time with each other, specifically due to group works, I had an excuse to spend more time with him even after school. Our recent closeness has garnered the attention of our groupmates and, in turn, they had began teasing the both of us. Even when we were first year students, they had already established the teasing charade, to which I frowned upon, but as of this moment I am secretly elated. I did not want to admit what this feeling was and yet I felt it. There was something else.

...

No sooner had the need to confront these feelings came.

Fun and games were over. The day came when you simply decided to ignore me. I could not understand for what reason you acted the way you did and if I ever did anything that was worth the treatment you gave me. I remember persistently asking you what was wrong. Nothing. You chose to remain silent. You would speak with others and yet not a single word to me. The reality of being apart from you was not something I was ready for and I could not understand why your actions greatly affected me to this extent. Then I came to realize, it was the thing I refused to admit even to myself. Love. An emotion that I did not knew I could give to another person beside my family. It was what it was and the only thing I could do? Accept that love has come to me.

I fell in love with the least person I expected it to be. That person that I never saw as anyone but a seatmate. A person who was indifferent to others and removed from the social order, an unlikely person to whom I would fall for. A route in an otome* game that I would least prefer. But the heart never chooses who it beats for, evidently so for my heart yearns for him and only him. Even as I trace back to all the events that have unfolded between us, I could never find my answer and perhaps I never will.

After a few days he finally opened up to me, with much pestering on my end, on everything that was happening to him. I felt everything. I could feel his emotions flow through his words. The subtle cracks of his voice, how difficult everything had been to him as he bottles his feelings inside with no one to confide to. I wanted to reach out and embrace him, but I knew I had to held back. It was wrong for me to burden him with my feelings for him when he was as vulnerable as he was now. It would seem as an act of pity to tell him how I felt towards him and for that I remained silent. I knew there would be another time for me tell him what I felt towards him.

The feat of containing my feelings seemed to be a difficult task to accomplish. It was very much evident in my actions that I was in love with him. My mind would always drift off with thoughts of only him. Constantly, I would try to search for him in my peripheral vision and see if he was feeling well. My internal balance was thrown off and even I did not know how to tame myself.

After debating with myself I finally decided to confess. I could no longer keep everything to myself. My heart felt like bursting every time I was with him. His presence was enough to send my emotions in utter turmoil. I could not let this pass any longer and the sooner the rejection, the sooner I could move on. Rejection was but one part of confessing. I could not force him to see me the way I see him, and whatever his response may be I know, I will never regret my decision. And so, I daintily typed my feelings and sent him a message. I waited, eager and afraid of what his reply would be. I did not have the courage to face him, a coward – yes, but I did not know what both of our reactions would be if I were to confront him physically and surely, I could not have said my feelings with a straight face.

From what I remember he did not respond directly to my feelings. The reason was of many but it is his story to tell.

My eyes flutter open, still in his embrace, and his face close to mine. "He's awake."

He mutters a soft, "Good morning," followed by a quizzical look directed at me.

"Slept well?" he asked.

"Mhm. You were deep asleep love, I didn't want to wake you so I snuggled to you instead. I even dreamed of us back in university," I said as I flash him a sheepish smile. He seemed not to mind and instead hugged me closer towards him. His body felt warm and I could hear his beating heart from our current position. I felt safe in his arms and could never envisioned my life without him.

"Love?", I called out in a soft whisper.

"Hm?"

Words seemed irrelevant. In my years together with him, I probably told him everything that I wanted to, repeatedly at that. I shake my head, "I love you," I uttered. Three powerful words that I could not imagined saying before as a child. Though they may be but three words, it contains the feelings that I want to convey to him.

He peers into my face, probably searching my face for any signs of mockery, but found none as he replies an, "I love you too."

"I'm fine! I just wanted to tell you that I love you, but if you don't want it..." I said, pretending to be hurt by his gesture.

He was quick to act and gave a light kiss on my lips. "Momo, I never did say I didn't want your declaration of love, did I?" he said while smirking.

I wriggle free from his embrace and quickly slide off our bed, clearly caught off guard by his action. "D-don't be stupid! I'm getting up now!" I briskly walked away and headed towards the door not before hearing him chuckle. He was enjoying this. As his wife, I still could not get used to the fact of his random act of sweetness leaving me flustered most of the time. Hopefully I do get used to this or else I might find myself constantly being teased by him.

There was no such thing as an ideal love. Love builds and is shared by two people, everyone with a unique kind of love. Ours were undoubtedly tested at times where we hurt each other by our words and actions. But as long as there is love, any trial can be overcome. Doubts, fears, and insecurities are inevitably a part of us. A necessary ingredient of love, you may say. The past, the present, and the future a part of us and each a moment to treasure.

I turned on my heel to face him.

"Shiro-chan, I love you!"

The future may be unseen, but my love for you remains unconditionally even until the end of time.

Finale

A/N: It's been a while since I last had to write a piece as long as this. As a writer, I am grieved with the fact that I could no longer write as fluid as I could before. Many things have happened since my absence and amidst it I found love in my silence. Thank you, Miguel for being my inspiration in everything. I dedicate this work to you.

And to my readers, you would have to forgive me for any grammatical and punctuation errors you may encounter. I am currently on the process of rekindling my passion for writing and until I have mastered the language, please do be patient with me.

Thank you everyone for reading this fanfic!

*otome games - a video game for the female population wherein it involves the main character as a playable female character attempting to a romantic relationship with one of many men who are available in the game through a series of mini-games, dates, and communication.