In all his hundreds of years of life Magnus had never felt so useless.

Sat with his hands clasped together on his lap, on the other side of the door stood Underhill there in his role of Head of Security to guard their fearless leader or that at least was what he said but Magnus couldn't help but notice the worried glances he occasionally aimed at the closed door. Opposite him was Maryse with a sobbing Isabelle in her arms. It was that which was perhaps the most unsettling, Izzy was usually so put together he didn't believe he'd ever seen her with a hair out of place. But now her make-up was smudged and running down her cheeks and her hair was ruffled where Maryse's hands had been running through it.

Jace was nowhere to be seen.

He looked down at his hands, he'd washed them, but he could still see traces of blood in the ridges and under his finger nails. Alexander's blood and there had been nothing he could do to stop it. As soon as Caterina had portaled the three of them to the medical wing of the Institute, Magnus and everyone else had been banished from the room so Caterina could work on Alec without any interruptions or distractions. He hadn't heard anything since.

…

The first thing Alec was aware of was a dull ache in his chest. He cracked his eyes open but shut them again almost immediately. It took a few minutes before his eyes became used to the blinding light enough that he could open them fully and take in his surroundings, the stark white walls of the Institutes medical wing were achingly familiar. His right arm was in a light cast, an unusual thing to see on a Shadowhunter. He raised his head slightly and looked down at himself, at some point his shirt had been removed and a square bandage covered the place on his chest where his own arrow had pierced flesh.

On his left, sat in a chair, with her head in her hand was Caterina whom Alec assumed was asleep. He didn't want to wake her but did want some of the water that was on the table next to her, he rolled slightly onto his left side but regretted it immediately as the pressure on his wound made him groan in pain and wake the sleeping Warlock.

Caterina stood quickly and gently rolled him back onto his back. "Now, I didn't spend the last few hours and most of my magic to heal you only for you to undo all my hard work within five seconds of waking up."

Alec tried to open his mouth to speak, to apologise but all that came out was a croak, thankfully Caterina took pity on him and helped move the cushions so he could sit up and handed over the glass of water. Once he'd drained the glass he attempted to speak again.

"Thank you, Caterina, for everything." He gestured to the bandage over his heart, "how about the others? Are they okay?"

"Honestly, I don't know, I've only seen Magnus and Izzy."

A cold feeling of dread lodged itself in Alec's stomach, he wasn't exactly sure what had happened after Jace… no after the Owl had attacked him. He remembered Magnus and telling Jace it wasn't his fault, but the rest was fuzzy. He had to see them. He had to know.

"Don't you even think about moving Lightwood." Alec had to wonder when Caterina had started reading his mind. "I'll find them, tell them you're awake." The Warlock moved to the door but paused with her hand on the handle, "but you're not to get over excited."

…

Everyone turned as the door opened and an exhausted looking Caterina stepped out. It felt like an eternity since Magnus had last seen her, she looked almost as terrible as he felt.

There was silence as they all waited with bated breath for Caterina to speak. She smiled and Magnus felt a weight lift from his shoulders. He walked over to his friend, taking her hands in his, needing the physical contact to ground him as he asked.

"He's okay?" Caterina gave him another smile and nodded.

"He's awake and asking after you all."

There was a blur of movement behind him as Izzy flung herself into her brother's room and straight into his waiting arms, the sobbing started anew, and Magnus could hear Alec whispering comforts into her hair. Even on the edge of death Alec was a big brother, of course he was. Their eyes met over Izzy's shoulder and Magnus gave him a smile and a nod quite prepared to leave and give the siblings some space, but Alec made a 'come in' gesture with his hand and stretched it out for Magnus to take, who was he to refuse.

It felt so good to hold his hand, warm and free of blood and if he moved his fingers higher, he could feel Alec's pulse beating strong. He brought the hand to his lips and sat on the bed on Alec's left, conscience of the white bandage on his chest and any possible sign of pain.

….

Alec looked at the people around him: Izzy, Magnus, his mother, Caterina, he could even see Underhill in the doorway. Someone was missing, in fact two people were.

"Where's Jace? And Clary?" There was silence, even Izzy's sobs had stopped, she lifted her head from Alec's shoulder, and he wiped at her cheeks.

"There was an explosion, Lilith, Sebastian they're both gone. Clary was caught in the blast, Jace and Simon are okay but Clary… there was nothing left."

Alec screwed his eyes shut and pulled Izzy close again and pressed a kiss to her hair. He felt guilt gnawing at his insides, was there anything else he could have done, he started thinking back over his orders for the last couple of days. Could he have stopped it? He was pulled from his thoughts by a hand stroking his cheek.

"It was not your fault Alexander," Magnus told him, his voice soft but still loud in the quiet room

"Magnus is right Alec," Maryse said "you couldn't have stopped it."

Alec nodded but still didn't feel completely convinced. "Where's Jace?"

"I don't know, he came back to the Institute with us, but I haven't seen him since."

A cough from the doorway interrupted Izzy, all the attention in the room was directed towards Underhill who was still standing in the doorway. "He's um… I-I think he's in his room, I asked Lindsey to keep an eye on him, make sure he was safe." Feeling worried about the prolonged silence he quickly added, "Was that wrong?"

"No, no it wasn't, thank you."

"I'll go, tell him you're awake." Izzy pressed one more kiss to Alec's forehead before detangling herself and leaving the medical room, allowing Maryse to take her place.

…..

Underhill was right, it didn't take Izzy long to find Jace, hidden away in a corner of his room. He looked pathetic and childlike with his knees hugged tightly to his chest and red-rimmed eyes.

"Hey." She whispered, gently settling herself down next to him. He didn't say anything, it was as though he didn't even know she was there. Izzy placed a hand on his arm, it was cold and the room in general felt frigid, Izzy presumed that there was a window open somewhere. "Alec's awake, he's asking for you."

"I can't," Jace's voice was ruff from disuse, "I just can't."

"Why not?" Jace stood up, running his hands through his hair and tugging on the strands, "Jace he almost died, he needs his parabatai."

The blond Shadowhunter turned on his sister, who had also stood, "I know he nearly died Izzy, I'm the one who put him there."

"No, you're not and he knows that. Doesn't he."

Jace's head sagged forward, the last thing Alec said to him repeating in his head like a loop. 'It wasn't you.' Izzy was right, he needed to see Alec.

….

It had been easy enough for Alec to console his mother, persuade her he was fine, all healed and that she should go have a cup of coffee and something to eat, Caterina had gone home to Madzie and Underhill was back at his post in front of the door.

Leaving Magnus and Alec alone.

Alec used their joined hands to pull his boyfriend closer, catching his lips in a lingering kiss. When it broke, they didn't move far apart, practically sharing the same breath.

"I thought I was going to lose you." Magnus whispered.

"I'm sorry…" Magnus cut him off with another kiss.

"Don't ever finish that sentence," Magnus told him, sweeping some of the Shadowhunters fringe out of his eyes.

"Your magic," Magnus stilled, unsure how the sentence would finish, "I remember what you said to Jace." The Warlock sighed and closed his eyes, he had no idea that Alec had even heard what had happened after the attack let alone that he'd remember it. "Magnus I'm so s…"

"Hey," Magnus lay a finger over his Alexander's lips, pulling a twitch of a smile at the memory it stirred up, "I told you, not to finish that sentence. I'm only sorry I couldn't do more to save you."

"You did, yes you did Magnus. You freed Jace from Lilith's influence, you got Caterina and you got me here, you did everything." Magnus didn't say anything, but Alec could tell he still wasn't convinced, he didn't know what else to say so he just held his hand tighter and pulled Magnus closer, so their foreheads were pressed together.

Alec wasn't sure how much time passed as they sat there just holding each other, it could have been mere minutes or hours. They separated when they heard a knock at the door, it opened to reveal Jace, pale and with his arms hugging his chest.

With a last kiss to Alec's knuckles and what he hoped was a reassuring hand on Jace's shoulder Magnus left, knowing that the Parabatai needed their privacy If he was being honest with himself, Magnus also needed a moment or two to himself to reflect on how all of their lives had been dramatically changed.