Chapter 1
Blaine stood at the mirror and smoothed down the last stubborn curl and secured it with more gel as music blared from his phone.
… I am in Misery. There ain't nobody who can comfort me. Why won't you answer me? This silence is slowly killing me…
"Jeff, don't tell me. This is about that Dalton blog, right?" Blaine chuckled into his phone.
"How did ya know?" Jeff asked, scandalized that his best friend already knew what he was going to say.
"Because you are obsessed with that blog. What is it this time? Did David sneak his girlfriend into his dorm again?"
"Yeah, but he was smart enough to not get caught this time," the blonde laughed into his phone. "No, someone posted last night, late, after curfew."
"Was it about our last impromptu performance? I thought we sounded pretty great and the guys in the senior commons seemed to get into it."
"Nuh-uh. It was a confession. Someone's gay."
Blaine felt his breath catch in his throat for a moment. He exhaled slowly and tried to tell his heart to calm down. "Jeff, this is Dalton, a school full of boys. We already know that Dalton has had a few gay guys in the past. Heck, the headmaster's son is gay."
"No, this is a Warbler. One of the Warblers is gay."
"Trent came out last year. It wasn't like it was the secret of the century or anything," Blaine chuckled.
"No, this wasn't Trent. It couldn't have been because he said that he's never told anyone. Everyone knows about Trent. This is someone else. He signed his confession as Blue. We don't have anyone on the Warblers named Blue, at least not that I know of. Who do you think it is? Do you think it could be Thad? Oh my God! What if it's Nick?" Jeff rambled.
"Our Nick? Our best friend and my roommate? Really, Jeff? Do you think he'd post something like that on the school blog?" Blaine asked, slightly breathless as he hurriedly sat down at his laptop and opened up the browser to the academy's unofficial Blog, Dalton Underground.
"Another gay Warbler? Do you think it could be Wes? He's got that bromance thing goin' with David, and they totally kissed at that party when they were dared by Andrew, and…"
"Jeff, I gotta go. Pavarotti just flew out of his cage again, and he's flying all over my room, and if Nick comes in and he gets in the hallway again, I'm in big trouble. Later man," Blaine lied and hit the end call button. He found the post on the blog Jeff told him about and he read it aloud, his heart beating rapidly in his chest.
Do you like to perform? Normally, I do. I mean, I am a Warbler but, sometimes, it feels like I'm always on stage in front of an audience with no script, no costumes, no make up. Just me and my life on display, performing in front of everyone, singing words I didn't rehearse, serenading them with my life story, hoping to God that they think it's worth a Tony rather than closure of the show and utter humiliation. Honestly, I feel like I'm acting because I am. My whole life, or at least a huge part of it, is one humongous lie.
Here at Dalton, I feel like I have friends. The guys here at Dalton are great. They are kind and accepting. Well, they accept who they think I am. But I know that they may not be so open to me if they knew what I was hiding from them, what I'm hiding from everyone, even my own family. I've only recently admitted it to myself. And now, I'm going to admit it here.
I'm gay.
I'm gay, and I'm terrified of anyone finding out- of my whole fragile world falling apart. I'm afraid of everything in my world-changing, unraveling piece by piece as those people I call friends turn their backs and walk away from me, one by one, including my own father. It's been such a long road for him and me, and we finally seem to get along. If I tell him, the relationship that we took so long to build would collapse in an instant.
But I can't hold this in anymore. I had to get it off my chest. I know this isn't a real coming out because I think this is anonymous. I hope to God it's anonymous because I'm not ready yet. I was just hoping that someone else would see this and understand so I didn't feel so overwhelmed and alone.
If there's anyone out there that I can talk to, someone who maybe has a gay friend or family member or something, it'd certainly be nice to have a person to talk to about this. I'm leaving my email address. Maybe someone will drop me a message.
I won't hold my breath.
Blue
Email: Blue45801
Blaine placed his hand over his heart, which was still pounding in his chest. Then, he felt his finger move to the mouse pad and click on the hyperlinked email address.
What the hell was he doing? He sucked in a breath and began typing frantically.
Dear Blue,
I'm just like you. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like your life is a huge performance because I feel the same way. I'm a student at Dalton. My dad was a member of the student council and an all-star track student when he attended Dalton. My mom was Valedictorian at her high school. Both of my parents have their Master's degree, and they are both important people here in Westerville. My brother was one of the most popular guys when he attended here at Dalton, and now he's a local celebrity.
I have amazing friends. Two of them have been my friends since before Dalton. One of them is the son of my parents' best friend. We've been at the same school together since preschool, and now he's my roommate at Dalton. We often finish one another's sentences. The other one is my roommate's bestie, and when he introduced us, we immediately hit it off. We were like a tripod, always together. The other one is a girl that I only met last year at theater camp. We got along well there, but we didn't exchange numbers or anything. Then, she and I showed up at the same community theater to audition for a show. We both decided it was fate, and we hang out as much as we can even though we go to different schools. I think both of our parents have even conspired to set us up with one another so that they could be related and spend more time with each other than they already do. She's great. They all are. We do what kids our age do: drink too much coffee, watch old movies and hang out at the Lima Bean until they close.
So, as I said, I'm just like you. I have a totally, perfectly normal life. Except I have one huge secret. The same secret you have. I'm gay too, and I have never told anyone. Until you. I get it, feeling vulnerable and alone because I feel like I'm on that same stage performing for a crowd who is impossible to please, tomatoes in hand, ready to hurl them in my face.
And so I just thought I'd let you know that you aren't the only one.
Write back if you want to chat. You don't have to. I just kind of thought we could talk anonymously. I mean, I doubt that your real name is Blue unless your parents were trying to make some kind of statement, like Beyonce and Jay-Z, but I don't think Jay-Z was a Dalton boy. Anyway, I hope to hear back from you.
Sincerely,
Tony (as in, future Tony Winner)
Blaine exhaled loudly as he hit send, his mind racing as he wondered what in the hell he had just done. He had emailed a complete stranger and told him his deepest, most intimate secret. He dove into the depths of his soul and unloaded a secret so big that he felt lighter from the burden that had been weighing him down since he'd been thirteen and frightened in the locker room. He knew he was undeniably gay after he stood under the freezing cold water when his erection refused to go down after he spied the fencing captain stripping off his clothes so he could shower himself. Three years' worth of anxiety and worry felt like it was relaxing its tight hold on his mind as he imagined what it might be like to finally have someone to confide in who understood what he was feeling.
Freedom. This was the feeling washing over him.
And yet, he couldn't breathe easier just yet. This person may not check his email, or he may regret posting his letter on the blog and delete the email. It could be a cruel joke someone was playing to find out if any more of the Warblers actually were gay. It was a running joke at Dalton that an all-male acapella show choir had to have at least a few members that identified as gay or at least bisexual, but all of the guys in question boasted of a girlfriend. Blaine knew that didn't necessarily mean a thing. He had also had several girlfriends, and all that did was confirm the fact that he was definitely gay. Yep, all it took was one kiss with Rachel Berry, the girl playing Maria in Westerville's Community theater production of West Side Story, to know that he didn't have any interest in girls.
Hell, one of his best friends was a girl, and although he thought she was beautiful, he wasn't attracted to her in the least. Tina had flirted with him before, and he actually worried that she might've had a severe crush on him, but recently, Tina started dating a guy named Mike from her high school. Mike even hung out with them sometimes.
Blaine felt his anxiety begin to creep back in as the realization rushed over him that this person, Blue, wasn't a stranger at all. He was a Warbler, just like himself. Granted, the Warblers had grown in number since they won sectionals and Regionals the previous year. Now they were like rock stars. When the council held auditions for new members in August, they found themselves with twenty-four members, including several freshmen as well as a few new older members who had been too timid to join in previous years. It was likely that Blue was one of these new recruits, but which one?
Blaine grabbed a framed picture of the Warblers that had been taken right after the new inductees had taken the oath to secrecy (something required by the council since they had been infiltrated by spies before) and tried to remember the names of the other new recruits: Sebastian, Cameron, Mason, Skylar, and Kurt.
It probably wasn't Mason or Skylar. Mason always had a steady girlfriend at Country County Day, and she was all he ever talked about. Skylar just didn't look the part. He was a jock that looked like he didn't shower after he played a game. He also had a major fixation on Taylor Swift and her smokin' hot body.
There was Sebastian, who previously had spent time in Paris and had now come back to Ohio to spend time with his father. Blaine had definitely felt like the other guy had been flirting with him on multiple occasions, but he had never actually asked Blaine out or made any declarations to suggest that he was into guys.
Cameron was quiet and shy, and Blaine didn't really know anything about him besides that he was a new Warbler with a soft, baritone voice. His only close friend was Luke, who also joined the Warblers the previous year. He seemed nice enough, but Blaine was so busy he had never really taken the time to talk to him.
It could be Andrew, the sassy Junior who'd suggested 'Bills, Bills, Bills' for Sectionals this year. Andrew was an athlete with a larger than life personality. He was unapologetic in everything he did, but that just made him more likable. The vote to make him a Warbler was unanimous.
Or it could be Kurt Hummel, Jeff's roommate and quirky friend. He had just transferred to Dalton last year, and Blaine had taken him under his wing and convinced him to audition at the beginning of the current year. He had made it in easily since he was the first counter-tenor Dalton had in over thirty years.
What if it was Kurt? Blaine stared at the picture more closely and zeroed his eyes in on the pale-complected, sassy and fashionable boy that had wormed his way into the Warblers' hearts so quickly that Blaine couldn't imagine the group without him now. What if it was Kurt, the junior who loved musicals and had proven he could go toe to toe with anybody on the fencing team? What if it was him, the gorgeous brunette with a beautiful, slightly ditzy girlfriend from his previous school? No, it couldn't be Kurt. Kurt was straight. And yet, supposedly, so was he. Blaine sighed and ran his hands through his hair, completely regretting sending that email. There was no way in hell he'd sleep tonight.