A/N: Hello lovely readers, this quarantine has gotten this retired writer back in the field. I got this idea the other night and for the first time in years actually got something written. I'm hoping to give this one a slow burn, but I'm real impatient and tend to have stories and pretty quickly. Drop a review with what you think! xoxo -Mary :)

Jay slowly awakens, immediately noticing the baby blue hospital sheets and the memories of the night's events come rushing back like a hurricane. He tightened his grip on the dainty hand that was covering his own, alerting her of his consciousness, though she was deep in sleep. His throat was dry, and as he attempted to reach for the cup of water beside his bed, a sharp pain shot through his abdomen.

He squeezed her hand again in a second attempt to wake her, "Ash, wake up," he said, his voice sounding raspy and tired. The sound of his voice broke Ashley from her slumber and tears began falling from her face as she got up and kissed him.

"You really scared me there, Jay," he didn't say anything, only kissed her back.

Jay and Ashley had only been together for a few months, and things were going pretty well for the two of them. She's the first girl he has actually let himself fall for since Erin left six years ago. Of course there had been other girls, even a short fling with his partner, Haley Upton, but no one made him feel the way Erin did. Ashley is also different than anyone he'd dated before, someone he never thought would be his type. She's a teacher, born and raised in the suburbs. And while she's lived in the heart of Chitown since college, her soul still belongs in Naperville where she commutes everyday for her second grade class. Her dark brown eyes that sparkle in the sun and her not so perfect smile are what caught Jay's eye. It was weeks after seeing her for the first time that he'd actually ask her out. They were regulars of the same coffee shop a few blocks from the precinct. Jay would pick up coffee for himself and sometimes the others nearly everyday. Ashley would only come in on Fridays. She'd order a small latte, and 2 dozen muffins every time. It got to a point where Jay waited on Ashley to come in before leaving, just so he could get the chance to smile at her. Finally one Friday after paying for her order for seemingly no reason, he asked what she did for a living, which led to him inviting her to dinner the following evening. She said yes.

"I'm going to go get the doctors, I think your team is also in the waiting room," she told him once they broke apart.

Jay smiled and nodded, giving her the okay to leave the room. He kept the smile on his face, though he wasn't entirely sure if he was happy. Happy to be alive, of course, but it felt like something was missing from his life. He thought about his team and how ecstatic they are all going to be after hearing he survived being shot for the third time. He shook his head, knowing exactly why he felt this way; she didn't even know he'd been shot a second time, let alone a third time.

After three weeks of rest, Jay was finally able to go back to work- desk duty only. His physical therapist said he'd been recovering at a very good pace and he should be able to be back on the field in about two weeks. With the amount of time he'd been spending at home, Jay was going crazy- and it doesn't help that most of his hobbies involve physical activity which he was prohibited from doing without supervision. Ashley had been spending every night at his place during his recovery. She cooked him dinner every night, helped change his dressings after he got released from the hospital, and even packed him a lunch to eat at home while she packed hers for school. As grateful as was that he had a girlfriend that cared about him so much, he felt happier when she was at work. He has spent so much adult life caring for himself, that having someone care for him was a lot to get used to. Especially having someone do every little thing for him. He was capable of making lunch for himself, and never once asked Ashley to practically move in with him. And come to think of it, they never discussed it all, it sort of just happened. Having her in his space all the time, doing his laundry, cleaning everything, gave him nothing to do except be alone with his thoughts.

Jay has survived being shot three times, and while most men would take this as being "invincible", Jay took it as getting lucky. He has escaped death three times- what if next time he isn't so lucky? He felt he needed to make a change in his life. He absolutely loved Intelligence and knew the risk was part of the job, but that isn't the change he needs. Jay begins thinking of when he was happiest in his life. He'd been thinking about her a lot- Erin Lindsay. Erin had always respected his boundaries, as he'd done the same with her. He knew that if she was still around, she'd be checking on him constantly, yet still giving him the space he needs to be a functioning adult. He'd gone back on their entire relationship, wondering if he'd been straight up about Abby, and wasn't crashing on Will's couch when everything happened with Bunny; if things would be different. Maybe he could have gotten her to stay. Meeting Ash made him believe he truly was over Erin, and the last few months with her have been incredible. He's just not sure he can see a future with her, especially after the last few weeks, as he feels more like she is invading his space rather than being welcomed into it.

His decision that came following these thoughts might have seen a little out of the blue, but life is short- he'd witnessed it first hand, and he was going to go after what he wanted. He is going to get Erin back, no matter what he had to go through in order to do it.

The first thing Jay would have to do is break up with Ashley. He knew he was going to hurt her, and he wanted to do it in a way that would cause her the least amount of pain. A part of him thought it would be best to wait until he was fully recovered; give her more time with him. But he didn't want her to think he was using her for her caretaking, so he decided that he was going to do it when she got back from work on friday. If he were to do it during the week, it would affect her work. He'd also need to get Erin's address from Voight, which was going to be incredibly difficult for him because of Voight's loyalty to her. He was determined though, he's not going to let her slip through his fingers again.

It was only on Jay's second day back at work when he approached Voight about Erin. Over the years, Jay has become much less threatened by the old man, and has learned how to stand up for himself. "What's up, Halstead?" Vought grunted.

Jay took in a deep breath, "I need Erin's address."

"Close the door," Jay obliged and took a seat in the chair opposite his superior. "What makes you think I have it?"

"I know how close you and Erin are. And I know no matter what happened with Bunny and you and any other shit that got her to leave, I know without a doubt, she has kept in contact with you every step of the way."

"Listen Jay, if Erin wanted you to have it-"

"I almost died," Jay aggressively cuts him off, "and the only person I wanted with me through all of it was Erin. You know how stubborn she is. She ran. She never even said goodbye and I am positive that it was one of the hardest things she's ever had to do. I need to see her, even if it's only one more time."

"Don't go throwing me under the bus when she asks why the hell you're on her doorstep, got it?" Voight scolded as he scribbled a combination of numbers and letters on a small notepad.

Jay smiled, "I understand, sir."

Jay was watching the news when he heard the sound of keys at his door. He shut off the tv and walked to the kitchen, knowing that's the first place Ashley goes when she enters the apartment. "You can do this," Jay thinks to himself. It's been years since he's had to have a conversation like this.

Ashley walks into the kitchen holding a few grocery bags, "Hey babe, I picked up some stuff for dinner, I was thinking of making lasagna," she said. Jay only offered a sad smile in return. Ashley gave him a look, "What's going on? You seem off."

"Can we talk?"

Suddenly, Ashley's demeanor changed. Her happy brown eyes sulked to the floor, "Uhm, sure. Living room?"

Jay nodded and followed her to the couch. He grabbed her hand, "Listen, Ash. I want you to know how thankful I am that you've been taking care of me since I got shot. You are an amazing woman and the time we've spent together has been… the most free I've felt in a really, really long time."

"I feel a 'but' coming Jay, just get to the point." she pulled her hand away, placing it gently in her lap.

"Getting shot made me think about a lot of things, and I don't think you and I are going to work out in the long run. I'm so sorry."

As Ahsley's eyes began to pool with tears, she looked him straight in the eye and sneered, "Erin Lindsay will never love you the way you love her, why can't you see that?" She didn't give him a chance to answer as she stood up and began packing up her belongings from various rooms in the apartment.

Jay watched her, his mouth opening and closing numerous times as he thought of something to say to her. Nothing came out until he heard the door slam shut, "I have to see with my own eyes that she's happier without me than she ever was with me," he muttered to himself.

As he stood alone in silence, he tried to tell himself that he was crazy, he shouldn't be doing this. He quickly shook those thoughts off and packed a suitcase. Once packed, he called a cab to take him to the airport, and hopped on the first flight to JFK. He might be crazy, but at least he wasn't living a life full of regret.