Author's note: I broke my own heart writing this, but I had to. There are already beautiful fanfictions out there about this moment, but I wanted to write my own version :-)
Please note that english is not my mother tongue. I'm trying to improve my writing skills in this language. If you wanna point out some mistakes, feel free to do it, I'm all for improvement :-)
I hope you'll like it, thanks for giving it a chance!
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"Sam…" Over the phone, the youngest Winchester could hear his brother's voice breaking. "I can't do it, Sam."
He didn't ask what he was referring to. He already knew the answer. "I'm so sorry, Dean…"
"I know I said I would put him in the Ma'lak box, but I can't."
Sam took a deep breath, visibly upset. "You have to be the one to do it, Dean." Sam hated himself for having to say those words. "You're the only one left who has a chance to get close to him without getting killed."
Dean didn't answer. He knew his brother was right. Sam did try to stop Cas a few months earlier and had almost got killed in the process.
"Did you find him?"
It took a few seconds to Dean to overcome his emotions and bring his thoughts together. "Yeah… I'm getting closer to him, I can feel it."
"Definitely closer", Sam heard over the phone. It didn't take him very long to realize it was the angel's voice, coming from afar.
Dean froze and after turning around to face Cas, he slowly put down the phone. His angel was standing near the entrance of the cabin the Winchester was staying in.
"I'll call you back," he said in a troubled voice, before hanging up, his full attention on the angel. "Cas?"
Judging by the softness of his face and his eyes, Dean instantly knew he wasn't under the influence of the mark at the moment. But he also knew how quickly this could change.
"I felt your presence," Cas said with emotion.
Dean took a few steps in his direction and threw himself into his arms, in a tight embrace. Cas responded with the same intensity, closing his eyes. For a short moment, they allowed themselves to put everything aside.
"We have to move fast. Where's the Ma'lak box?"
The Winchester hated that he had to bring them back to reality so quickly. "Cas… I… don't think I can."
He sounded desperate. They pulled away from the hug, but still stood very close to each other, their chests almost touching.
"Dean!" the angel said in an angry voice. "We already talked about it. There is no other option. You promised."
"I know. I just… didn't think it would happen so soon."
"It's been months, Dean. The mark… you've been through it, you know exactly how it feels. To loose control. To kill innocent people and watch yourself do it. My moments of lucidity are becoming more rare. That's the only option."
"There are rumors about a witch in Peru who sounds very powerful," Dean said hopeful. "Maybe we could…"
Cas stopped him. "We've tried everything we could. You've tried everything." That was true. They had gone in almost every little corner of the World looking for a solution. "In the meantime, people died because of me. By my bare hands. I refuse to let that happen any longer." Tears had started to flood his eyes, even though he was trying to contain them. "Please… I trust you, Dean. I… I know I'm asking for a lot. Maybe too much. But I can't keep going like this."
Dean knew. Of course he knew. He had been there.
Still, a part of him —a selfish part of him— didn't want to do it.
"This is probably the hardest thing I've ever been asked to do, Cas." A few tears fell down his cheeks. He couldn't stop them. Didn't want to.
Cas was broken-hearted to see the Winchester like this, to know he was the reason of his pain, and he was now silently crying too. Their faces were so close that he just had to lean in a little to finally meet his lips and kiss him slowly, putting as much tenderness as he could in it.
It wasn't their first kiss —this one had happened over a year ago and had been followed by many others. But until now, none of them had been this mix of heartbreak and sadness.
Cas ended up leaning his forehead against his. "Dean… please. That's the only way."
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They had already picked the place he was going to be buried in. As soon as Cas had started to turn because of the mark of Cain, after they chose the Ma'lak box as the only way to keep him under control, they had discussed the place. It had to be as far away as possible of civilians. They couldn't risk for him to be found.
When the hole in the ground was deep enough, and the Ma'lak box placed at its center, Dean knew they were getting closer to the finish line… and he knew —he knew— a part of him was going to die with Cas.
When the moment arrived, Dean had to turn his back for a second. He couldn't take it. Couldn't look at the box in the ground, knowing that eventually, Cas would end up stepping in it.
"You have to do it, Dean," Cas said. "The urge to kill is coming back." He was struggling. "I'm… I'm feeling it. I might leave you right here, right now. We have to do it now. I… I don't want you to have to fight me to put me in it."
In a way, it would have make things easier.
"Yeah… yeah, okay." He sounded desperate, though.
"Close it right after I stepped in, okay? No hesitation."
Dean looked really reluctant, but nodded. They were now standing, facing each other in the peaceful silence of the wood they were in.
"It's time," Cas finally said. He stepped closer to the box.
"Cas, wait!"
It couldn't end like this. Dean knew the angel wanted to make things easier, no goodbyes. But he refused to let him go this way. He gently took his hands in his, looking downward for a moment, before meeting his eyes again.
"Maybe… maybe we won't be physically together, but… I'll stay with you. I'll pray to you. Every single day." It sounded like a promise.
The angel's eyes went really soft. "Dean…"
But the Winchester didn't stop. "I might not be in there with you, but I'll never leave you alone… I love you, Cas."
The angel cupped his face between his hands.
"I love you too. So, so much. I don't even remember a time I didn't. In spite of the mark, but even before that, you kept me closer to humanity —as human as an angel can be. I'll never thank you enough for that," he smiled through his tears. "But Dean… don't waste your life carrying a torch for me. You deserve so much better than that."
Dean looked away. "Don't do that to me, man."
"Do what?"
"Play it noble."
"I'm not trying to play it noble. Just saying that you can't do that forever. Your life hasn't been easy, try to at least enjoy the rest of it."
The Winchester sniffed, looking unconvinced. "Yeah, right."
"I don't wanna spend all of eternity in this box knowing that you're miserable."
"That would make two of us, at least."
"Dean…"
"Cas, please," he snapped, tears in his eyes. "I'm already puttin' you in that box, don't try to convince me that I have to live my life, because right now, I just can't hear it."
The angel sighed. "Okay… okay, I'm sorry."
A beat.
Cas came closer to him again and slowly kissed him, trying to convey all the love he had for him. Dean had put his hand on the angel's cheek and was now tenderly caressing it.
The Winchester couldn't fight his tears anymore. "I love you."
Cas embraced him, holding him tightly, and Dean snuggled his nose inside his neck.
"Thank you for everything."
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For a long time, Sam didn't hear from his brother. He didn't even knew where he was, despite his attempts to reach out. Dean had sent him a text, letting him know that it was done, then had gone radio silent for almost three weeks.
When he finally came back to the bunker, he never mentioned what happened again.
But Sam knew his big brother. He knew it had probably taken Dean everything he had to close that box. He was devastated.
Sam would have to be the one who would keep them moving forward.
.
THE END