How It Should Have Ended – A Naruto Series

Just a series of spin-off drabbles detailing: events/cliches in the fandom; scenes from canon or short FWON AU's that can be expanded into their own stories. Each snippet is unrelated and should be treated so. If you have any recommendations, please review - that's right review bait =D. Will be continuing this series.

A Sannin's Apprentice:

"Train me!" Sakura said brimming with confidence and trying to sound determined like her crush.

"Seriously?" Tsunade asked surprised, "You; who A – treats the boy who got me to return to this village like trash, B – have yet to make any significant contribution to any mission or the village in general and C – have never lifted a finger to train or improve yourself; suddenly expect to be apprenticed to the Hokage just by asking…what are you thinking?"

Sakura blinked, "Honestly? That you'll turn me into an exact copy of you in three years and somehow surpass you when I'm sixteen without ever being seen training…yeah sounds about right…"

Her eye twitched lightly, "Learn to throw some kunai, run a few laps and I'll find you a decent tutor. You want to be my apprentice? Get in line. There are tons of people way more qualified and deserving then you are, especially since you're starting at the bottom. For now, I have to go teach my real apprentice. Shizune! Hope you don't mind writing in your blood!"

Never liked how Sakura became Tsunade's apprentice without ever working. She's basically a Tsunade knock-off who ended up getting stronger than her without ever training. It's alright to have Sakura lagging behind especially when Naruto and Sasuke are such monsters. Struggle adds depth to a character and that's way more preferable. It's easy to write a powerful character but it's hard to write a strong character.

Harems:

Naruto just stared at the two girls in front of him in utter confusion. There was Sakura who he had been chasing since their Academy days, his teammate and one of his best friends in the world. There was Hinata who confessed her love for him, had encouraged him so many times through the war and he had always liked her.

He had been alone most of his life and a romantic relationship had always sounded appealing, but their proposal to…share him? It sounded completely awkward. Ero-Sennin, bless his soul, wrote about stuff like this and would probably have his head for turning down polygamy but it seemed fundamentally wrong to him. If he was going to be with somebody, he was going to be wholly committed to them. It may sound like some kind of dream come true but he honestly didn't think it was a great idea. Plus the jealousy would be off the charts.

But before he could refuse – Ino, Temari and Tenten showed up claiming to want to share him as well and not exactly giving him a choice.

The hell?!

He found them all attractive sure and they were all around his age - so he wasn't against the idea of dating anyone of them…but sharing this many wasn't just creepy but something even Ero-Sennin would agree was pretty unrealistic. Ero-Sennin of all people! This was starting to look like one of those poorly written knockoffs of Icha Icha that his mentor had shown him during his training trip. And when he said poorly written, he meant really poorly written.

His eyes bugged out when Kurenai-sensei and the crazy examiner lady wanted in on the deal too. He'd admit he had his fair share of fantasies about them since they were older and very attractive kunoichi, but they were just that – fantasies. There was no way it would work out considering they were almost as old as his sensei. Heck they probably had probably lost their virginity when he was still in his nappies. The creep level had shot up exponentially.

He was pretty sure that he was trapped in some sort of genjutsu when women he had never met before also began to want to share him. And they weren't even his age; no these were women many years older than him. Sasuke and Itachi's mom? Some red-headed member of the Seven Swordsman? This girl with the initials OC who knew a disturbing amount about him and kept insisting 'precious people' were the best. Haku used that phrase and Naruto agreed with the sentiment, but he had never used that phrase again. People who should have no desire to be with him and he had no desire to be with, because he had never even met them or he had met them a couple of times!

Sure, like with Anko and Kurenai, the Mizukage was somebody he'd nail in his wildest dreams, but he'd met her like two or three times tops. It was a bit weird for him to just jump into being lovers. They had nothing in common and the idea that a woman, especially somebody who was only the second female Kage, would have such little self-respect that they'd be with somebody half their age was more than a little disturbing...

It went waaaayyy too far when…he couldn't stop puking thinking of when Tsunade-baachan and Kaachan showed up…Uzumaki Kushina was his biological mother! He loved her but the idea of even thinking of her that way…it sent shivers up his spine.

And a lot of people seemed to think that Tsunade looking like a twenty-two-year-old made it okay, but it wasn't! Tsunade was the closest thing he'd had to an actual mother and the fact that he called her 'granny' or 'old hag' should tip people off to the nature of their relationship. These two were a line that shouldn't have been crossed. He was going to bijuu-dama whoever-

...

Now came the straw that broke the camels back. He slipped into his mindscape to enter Kurama Mode and beat up the bastard who'd do this but that's when he saw it. Kurama – Kurama, the Kyuubi no Yoko, showed up with an especially traumatized expression worn on a naked red-headed woman's face. Why the fuck was Kurama naked?! After unlocking the Six Paths power, his understanding of exactly what the bijuu were, made seeing this infinitely more disturbing.

If he didn't know any better, he thought this was all the machination of a particularly cruel god who sought some sort of sick pleasure by forcing him on so many poor unwilling women. A harem wasn't every man's fantasy, heck he wasn't even willing to date two people. This bastard seemed to forget what Naruto would actually want and just force some disgusting personal wish fulfillment on him.

Poor Naruto…

Ahhhh pairings. So much wish fulfillment in these fics it's actually kind of sad. I'm not opposed to harem fics but their execution makes me steer clear away from them like the plague. And picture it from Naruto's perspective because there are some lines people are not willing to cross and a guy like Naruto is somebody who likes to stay within these moral areas. NaruTsu and NaruKushi have always been an instant click-off for me unless it's a smut one-shot.

Tortured:

Oh no! A civilian mob is chasing after Naruto again! He's a secret prodigy who can hide from and evade ANBU but can never get away from civilian mobs. Darn it, there's no stopping them! As usual, they leak killer intent and want to 'finish what the Yondaime' started! Like how do you leak killer intent? Wasn't it a sensation generated by years of training and honing one's instincts. Heck, I don't think people even understand what killing intent is but I digress...

He turns into an alley…of course he does. Now he's completely screwed. Because we've never seen ninja leap long distances to escape. And it's not like this is another 'smart competent Naruto' fic. Why can't he be smart and competent before all this needlessly edgy crap?

And of course, we have to have Sakura's mother showing up. Her face is like a cartoony adult Sakura, with her jaw opening sideways with numerous razor-sharp fangs inside, "KILL THE DEMON!" she shrieks like the banshee she is. Oh dear...must I go on.

Yes.

*Sighs*

Their attention was shifted when they saw a small piece of paper fluttering above them. It landed right in between them. They exchanged glances and shrugged before turning their attention back to the 'defenseless' Naruto.

The piece of paper glowed brightly and an explosion went off sending bodies flying all over. A subtle genjutsu on Naruto put him to sleep as he was carried away to safety. Upon the roof of one of the two buildings an ANBU agent shook his head, "Another 'training accident' with explosive tags. How unfortunate…" he mumbled before he darted off with the boy.

Never understood the compulsion to have Naruto tortured. It doesn't add depth it's just gratuitous gore and angst. His life is bad enough as it is, trust me if you study even a little psychology you'll realize just how terrible being isolated and alone is.

Self-Inserts:

Oh mah gawd!

Hi everybody my name is Mary Sue. I ended up like dying…but it wasn't traumatic at all. In fact, knowing I died and lost all my friends and family was super easy to get over because being in a universe where people kill for a living is sooo worth it and like so totally hawt!

I have this totally original doujutsu which makes my eyes this really beautiful color and it makes me like as strong as Naruto or Sasuke! I'll be the fourth member of team seven and everything will be like the exact same but I'll be making some big (small) changes! Like instead of Kakashi killing Haku, I'll save her and she'll (that's right girl power) be a part of Naruto's harem!

Somewhere in the background, Naruto could be heard wailing at the prospect

I'll be so perfect and so smart! I'll know what's going to happen beforehand but nobody will like question it because I'm also so pretty and so strong!

While Mary Sue was off in another world, a figure slowly sneaked up on her. Before she could realize what was happening, feathers appeared all around her.

"Wha…" she fell to the ground fast asleep.

Buried deep within the T&I department of Konoha, pained screams could be heard. Shinobi were subtly trained throughout the years to have the mental fortitude to resist the extraction of information by enemies. Whoever this…Mary Sue was clearly had no training in the shinobi arts before this, almost like she had popped out of nowhere which was suspicious enough. It had taken a rather run of the mill interrogator five minutes to have her spilling her secrets and all knowledge of future events. It may have been a bit hard to believe but then again they lived in a universe where people walked up walls for shits and giggles. This may be a bit farfetched but it was hardly absurd.

And like a village of ninja were going to trust such a simpleton with such knowledge…oh she was going to be valuable but not in the way she had thought initially.

This really speaks for itself. Mary Sue fics are pretty high up on my shit list. The quality of a story is not in the overall outcome but the conflict that goes into reaching there. I'd much rather read a story where an OC-SI is struggling to cope with living with a bunch of assassins and the loss of their family or their own death. That sounds like a good story.

The Mask of A Hidden Prodigy:

It was time…for Naruto to drop his mask. Time to show what a complete and utter badass he was. Of course, this badass had to wear all black.

Black shirt, black jacket, black socks, black gloves, black underwear, black kunai, black shuriken, black kunai holster, black ninja wire, black hair, black eyes and of course most importantly black steel-toed boots.

Don't forget to emphasize the steel-toed boots.

And somehow, he is much, much taller. Don't forget he's twelve years old and both of his parents were around average height.

And of course, he has to carry some type of blade. It should be some legendary blade that everybody has heard off but we all know was created in the two seconds it took to come up with it. He'll use it to threaten everybody and anybody.

And his skills of course! He has the most powerful bloodline of course! I'm not talking about the one he's said he's been given. No he has the ultimate bloodline in plot armor!

It's a Naruto-wank story brah! But they'll make him 'lose sometimes' or 'weaken him'. Tell me, if he's so god damned strong then what has he got to fear? A bunch of civilians who had to give him a beating when he was a child?

Now that led him to meet the Kit-Master. Now I call it that because we know that there's no way the Kyuubi no Yoko would ever say 'kit'. The Kit-Master is a toss up between an Obi-Wannabe Kenobi or a sex doll. Really just flip a coin.

And the the longer the story the better! And it needs to bash Uchiha-sama 'give your jutsu dobe' Sasu-gay or Sa-ass-uke, Sakura the wailing terrible howler banshee monkey who takes desperate to new levels and many other people. All of them are just paper-thin characters with one-dimensional motivations and intents! The purpose of everybody else is to make him look good, that's all! Naruto is the OP god with the nine-inch dick who got a harem of infinite size and he can do no wrong. The targets of bashing are the exact opposite. They only want to foil 'the demon' for the sake of it.

Danzo you were a scumbag but you deserve justice. I guess we'll keep waiting until he gets the characterization he deserves.

And don't forget to:

PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE PLEASE UPDATE

I think I about summarized 99% of stories on without being too specific. People! There is such a thing called character development. I've said this a thousand times but a good story arises from describing the process, not the outcome.

Hinata-chan!:

"N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N- N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N- N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N- N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Naruto-kun" guess who? Apparently this is a stutter.

"Yes my dearest, sweetest Hinata-chan-hime-koi!" Naruto exclaimed with doe-like eyes, "We have made sweet, sweet love before we even hit puberty. I'm not even sure I have a sex drive yet…but what can I do for you my little cheesy nickname with absolutely no meaning or sense?"

"Why do you love-"

"Your titties" he replied with a straight face.

Her eyes widened, "Nani?" – obligatory Japanese phrases check.

Naruto turns towards the audience, "Isn't that why anybody likes her?"

I don't hate Hinata, neither do I like her. Characters don't have to be likable but if you want any success they have to at least feel like they're real. If I wanted to see Wil. , I'd just watch the Roadrunner show. At least that is intentionally a comedy.

GIvE mE yoUr JuTSu dOBe aka Sasuke bashing:

"Give me your jutsu dobe!" Sasuke declared sounding particularly constipated as the bulge of his micro-penis was barely visible.

Naruto rubbed his forehead in frustration, "For the last time you dumbass, you don't give people jutsu! You teach it!" he snapped in abject frustration. He called him a 'dobe' but he was so stupid that he didn't even realize something so straight forward.

Apparently it wasn't getting through his thick skull, "Hn! An Uchiha elite like me doesn't need to be taught anything from you. I will take your power for myself and use it better than you ever could use it" he sounded absolutely constipated. Let's shit on him while we're at it.

Sakura approached Naruto with an absolutely miserable expression on her face. She had a crush on Sasuke because he was dark, mysterious and damaged. She wanted to fix him and build a life together with him because she thought deep down he was a nice person going through issues. That was hot! Not the idiotic jackass who'd keep demanding Naruto hand over his jutsu. She leaned into the blonde's ear and whispered something and a literal lightbulb appeared over his head.

"You're a genius Sakura-chan!"

She flushed lightly, "D-don't say things like that!" she snapped, "…but thanks" she finished quietly.

"Well dobe?"

Naruto gave a huge grin, "But Uchiha-sama, I'm just a useless 'dobe' right? How could my power ever match an…what was the word Sakura-chan?"

She rolled her eyes, "Elite idiot"

"Right! An Uchiha 'elite'" he continued but the unspoken thought went between the two, 'The elite that got wiped out in a single night by one teenager?!'.

"Hnnnnnn" Sasuke grunted as a putrid smell surrounded him causing the other two to grasp their noses with disgusted expressions on their faces, "You finally realize your place dobe. Good or else I would have to punish you. Not like how I would punish Kakashi during our private training sessions…"

Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi, who was hidden up in the trees above, all turned a sickly shade of green.

"Y-yeah…like I was saying…the Hokage is the strongest ninja in the village. You should go demand his jutsu because you're such an elite…"

"Finally you're of use to me dobe" Sasuke declared in 'complete arrogance' as he walked off awkwardly wearing eight-inch heels. Why wouldn't he? He was a prima-donna

Kakashi dropped down next to his students, "That was disturbing…" he said as he shivered. He'd face down all nine bijuu rather than hear something like that again.

Sakura sniffed, "I can't believe I wanted to kiss that guy…" she mumbled.

Naruto looked very sick, "I can't believe I did kiss that guy…"

Sakura turned towards her teammate, "Since my lifelong dream of being Mrs. Uchiha id gone, do you want to go train?"

Naruto shot up excited, "Do I!"

She couldn't help but smile. Come to think of it, Naruto was basically like a puppy – annoying, energetic, persistent, loyal and kind of cute. Maybe she was wrong about him…besides she bet if she helped him out he'd totally be a hottie in a couple of years. And if he did manage to become Hokage...

"Come on Naruto! We've got a lot of training to do!" she declared confidently as she pulled him by the scruff of his jacket.

Sarutobi Hiruzen sat back sipping a warm glass of tea as he watched his loyal summon and friend Enma brutalize the brat who was clad in nothing but banana-flavored underwear. Enma had always liked to instill discipline in snot-nosed brats and it had been a while so he was making the best out of it.

As he walked away from the downed form of Uchiha Sasuke he grinned, "Now that was fun. He should behave now"

"Oh, I don't know Enma…maybe one more lesson for good measure" he replied cheekily as he summoned two young monkeys who instantly perked up at the familiar scent, "Go get it boys"

Sasuke ran around cursing as he was being chased down.

I don't understand how anybody would put up with the Sasuke from fandom. He's a complex character and I understand parts of him are not particularly likable, but it's not like he was blatantly malicious like Hidan. Like with Naruto and Sakura, his actions were probably a result of immaturity and being thrust into situations he wasn't ready for. He could have made for a great reflection of the kind of society ninjas live in – but nah man, let's have Sasuke bashing all around cause Kishi loved him too much. Balance people; Itachi, Shisui and Madara are the real OG Uchihas but Sasuke isn't all that bad either.

Oh no! It's the Council!:

"So, by the vote of the council. We have decided that the demo-" the nameless merchant didn't get a chance to finish as suddenly he fell to the ground with a gash in his throat.

They began shrieking in terror at the sight of a dead body. They would have run about except they all realized that their hands and feet had been bound to their chairs. When the hell did…

Right…ninjas.

The shinobi present in the room watching as they tuckered themselves out screaming and writhing. When they had finally gone silent, Tsunade began to speak.

"An ANBU recruit did that in the first thirty seconds of you all walking into the room and it took all of you trying to get up to notice" she spoke in a near bored tone before she leaned forward, "Every shinobi sitting here has been one for at least twenty years. You really want to piss off this many?"

With fearful expression they began to shake their heads though a few brave (*cough* stupid *cough*) tried to protest, "W-we will take our money a-and businesses elsewhere! The Fire Lord will hear about this!"

An uncharacteristic chuckle from Hyuuga Hiashi caught everybody's attention, "You think that scares us? Go ahead but remember it'd be an awful shame for your daughter to disappear disappear"

His eyes widened in shock, "You monster! You'd dare hurt a child!"

Chouza scoffed, "Aren't you trying to do the same? He may contain the Kyuubi but neither did he get a choice in it nor does that make him responsible for the destruction it caused. And what do you know off what we do? The peace and safety you enjoy has been paid for in blood. Our families, friends and comrades put everything on the line, yet you have the guts to try and bully us?"

"Especially since we allow you to live here for convenience nothing else" Shikaku added absently with most of attention outside the window.

"C-convenience?!" one of them squeaked.

"We work enough outside the village. Outsourcing it to civilians may cost a bit but it lets us kick back and do the important things. Maybe next time you should think about who keeps you safe when you step outside the village. I hear bandits are very nice this time of year" Tsume spoke dripping with sarcasm.

"T-t-then why did you allow for a civilian council?"

Even the normally unflappable Danzo groaned in frustration, "I swear there is something wrong with everybody in this village…one, we asked you to represent civilians to report to the Hokage. Two, not even the entire shinobi council could get rid of the boy even if we were stupid enough to try-"

"And we'd have to be monumentally stupid to try" Homura muttered, "We might as well hand another the village the Kyuubi. Now picture if they harness that power and decide to use it to destroy Konoha…" he spoke as he would to a particularly obnoxious toddler, "Now you may excuse yourselves"

They wasted no time rushing out of the hall as soon as the wires holding them were cut as they swore that they'd never mess with ninjas again.

It wasn't just that 'demon' brat…they were all freaks.

The set up of the Narutoverse is not conducive to democracies like in our world. Hidden villages are autocracies and people forget that. The civilian council has potential but they're just there to antagonize the MC. Power is centralized to the strongest ninja because it will be difficult to coerce or blackmail them. Why do you think Shikaku never became Hokage when he was one of the smartest characters?

So here are a few that I came up off the top of my head. Like I said hmu if you have recommendations I'd love to hear them. With a series this big there are a lot to cover. Some will be repeated, others not so much but I can tell you for sure this will continue for a while.