A/N: This is just something that popped into my head the other day and demanded to be written! It's set somewhere around season 2, so please bear that in mind while reading. Enjoy xx
all this time
.
The first time Harvey says it, is after a big win in court. The skyline of New York is illuminating her pale skin as they drink in silence on opposite ends of the couch in his office.
There is something disjointed about them lately, a chasm, and it makes him ache for her like never before. They are living in a held detachment where neither is allowed to feel or want anything. Some nights, it feels like a cage. A cage Donna built around herself from the moment she agreed to come work for him at the firm.
He weighs the words on his tongue for a moment before he tells her. They don't feel heavy or wrong, but natural, and he looks straight into her eyes as he says them.
"I love you, Donna."
She cracks a smile, chuckles, "Very funny."
"No, I mean it."
He doesn't miss the flicker of surprise in her eyes. The fear. The way she inhales sharply as the words register in her brain.
Donna slowly shakes her head then. Takes a very long sip from her drink. Feels the auburn fluid hit her stomach with a burn. It soothes her in the worst kind of way and only then does she dare to look at him again.
"You're drunk," she deflects, ignoring the somber look in his eyes.
"You don't get to decide that." It's the first time he realises how he must present himself if this is her first response to his confession. It hits him with a force that is stronger than the alcohol in his veins.
His eyes bore into her, caressing her skin with a gaze that is more intimate than any words he could say. It's frightening and she doesn't allow herself to fall into it.
"And you don't get to just throw these words at me."
"I'm not–"
"I have to go. Good night, Harvey."
He watches her leave hurriedly without any protest. When he stands up, he feels the room spin, so maybe Donna was right. He is drunk.
.
Harvey tells her he loves her again two days later when he arrives at the office. This time she just laughs and tells him, "That's not what this is."
It's neither the right place nor the right time to be having this conversation, but he is curious and steps into her cubicle.
"Then what is it, Donna, tell me."
"Dependency. Habit. You like having me around," she shrugs, looking up at him.
There's a glint in her eyes, the amount of conviction in them almost throwing him off. She thinks she has the upper hand, like she always does and it irritates him.
"That's not it." He shakes his head decidedly.
"That's exactly what it is. You don't love me. You like what I do for you. Answering your calls, scheduling your appointments, thinking ahead. Making your life easier."
"No. I love you."
"Harvey, don't confuse the two. That's not you." Her eyes don't waver as she shuts him down.
He is furious and confused, beside himself in some strange middle place, and he wants to fight. Her. For her.
But Donna is not wrong, ever. So he nods, and lets it go. He's never been in love before, so how would he know? How would he know if this is what love feels like when she is telling him that this isn't it?
He spends the rest of the day convincing himself of it while he watches her work through the glass wall that is separating them.
.
Two weeks pass by and neither of them mention his confession again. Donna is right, in a way. They do work well together. But she's also wrong for the first time and it takes him some time to figure out where she went wrong. His feelings aren't just appreciation for how well she does her job.
When he watches her pack up her things one night, his feelings come rushing back to the surface with a vengeance. The pull is much stronger than before and his emotions get the better of him.
"I love you." The words slip out without permission. He tried to bury them but... how can he not say them when he looks at her, all ripples of fiery hair and freckles across her bare shoulders, and all he wants to do is to bury himself inside her and take her home with him afterwards.
She stares at him in disbelief. "We are not having this discussion again, Harvey."
"I want you." The words are being said deliberately this time as he shuffles towards her cubicle, "So much. And I can't pretend that's not true anymore."
His eyes are dark, charcoal black, as they roam over her body and he can see the effect he has on her. She swallows hard.
"So what you're actually saying is that you want my body? Is that it?"
He chuckles but there's no humour in it. "No. I want all of you. The real thing."
He wants things he's never wanted before, like taking her home, rubbing her feet as he listens to her bitch about Norma and some temps. Having a lie in on Sundays, seeing her bare-faced. Sharing a cup of coffee as they learn about each other's childhoods and dream about building a life together. Having more of her than just the professional side of her.
And he knows, this is love. No matter what Donna says, wanting to be with her always and in every sense of the word must be it and he will be damned if they miss out on their chance.
Donna draws her eyebrows together in confusion and counters, "You've always been afraid of commitment, Harvey. Always. How can I even take this seriously?"
"I have told you repeatedly. You know I'm serious." There's clear annoyance in his voice now.
"No. All I know is that you said you loved me but you haven't shown me anything."
"I would if you gave me an answer!" He throws back.
"Don't pin this on me now." She accuses him. "Since when don't you go after what you want?"
"Oh trust me, I want to. I want to pin you against that goddamn glass door between us every single day and fuck you sideways but you haven't given me one single sign that suggests that you want me to act on my feelings."
"Yeah. Because I know you're not ready for it. You're afraid of committing. Just admit it."
"No, Donna. You are afraid of it. Not me."
She takes a step back, does a double-take.
"Excuse me?"
Her nostrils flare and maybe attacking her isn't the right way forward, he figures. Her walls are up now and her eyes are boring into him like tiny daggers.
"Look, you were right, I appreciate all the things you do for me. But your work has nothing to do with the way I feel about you." He walks around her cubicle and places his hand on her arm. "I love you."
Her face remains emotionless, but even her acting abilities can't stop her body from reacting to his touch. A shudder goes through her whole body making the fine hairs on her arm rise.
"You're a fool if you think that we could ever be something real." She throws back and yanks her arm away from him.
"Maybe I am but maybe I'm not. I just need to know… do you love me?"
"I'm your secretary!" The words are rough, as they force themselves up like razor bile in her throat.
"I don't care about that," he growls. "Do you love me?"
Her mouth opens, but she closes it again, shakes her head and goes to grab her bag from under the table.
They've been living on this precipice of wanting the other one to be ready for so long that now that Harvey is actually ready and waiting for any sort of signal from her, it's becoming obvious that Donna is the one who's not yet ready to be vulnerable without a fight.
"You're upset and worn out. Go home, Harvey," she replies with a weak voice, unwilling to acknowledge how she feels and he can't figure out why for the life of him until it all suddenly makes sense and he grabs her arm to stop her from walking away.
"No. I won't, not this time. You just told me that I'm all talk and no action and you know what this reminded me of? You telling me that I fight like hell for everything that happens in here and nothing that happens in here." He gestures at his heart and gives here a lopsided smirk. "So no. I'm going to show you what I feel now."
He pulls her flush against him and looks at her with so much determination and love in his eyes that she gasps. Her lips claim his recklessly in a moment of realisation and he sinks into it. Her tongue encourages his mouth to open up, and he does, as selfish desire takes over. Her fingers slide into his hair and he fears if he doesn't stop now, they will end up fucking against the glass door of his office after all.
"Donna," he breathes against her lips. "Let me just," he pecks her lips and puts some space between them. "This is not just about physical attraction and I wouldn't risk what good we have going on if it was just that."
Her lips curve into a smile and she bites her lower lip, "I'm beginning to realise that."
His hands stroke up and down her arms gently as he continues, "When I think about my future you're all I see. In every aspect of it. But especially at home, with me. I've never been in love," he admits sheepishly and he sees her eyes glaze over. "This shouldn't be a surprise," he tries to joke because it's a big deal for him to admit it.
"Not even with Scottie?" Her eyes search his for the truth, and he lets her.
"No. What I ever felt for her doesn't even come close to what I feel for you. And it's been this way for a long time, I just couldn't access it."
Donna is staring at him in silent wonderment, not a single thought coming to force as all she feels is an incredible warmth in her chest that is spreading rapidly into her arms and fingertips, down her legs and into her toes. All those feelings that she hadn't allowed herself to acknowledge are suddenly exploding in her chest, each of them starting out as tiny sparks creating a firework together.
Her face splits into a big smile. Her eyes crinkle in affection as she brings her hands up to his cheeks, caressing his clean-shaven face as she sips in this new, emotionally available Harvey Specter.
"Oh boy, you're going to make me cry, aren't you?" She laughs wetly.
"I'm just getting started." He promises and leads her out of her cubicle, telling her about his plans as she opens up to him about her fears and doubts.
There's only one thing Harvey doesn't doubt; that they are going to make it.
A/N: Reviews and criticism are always very much appreciated. Stay safe and thank you for reading xx