The Art Of Self Control
Zell ropes Seifer into helping him get a girlfriend, not knowing Seifer has a crush on him.
A/N Well, damn. Here's another little something I came up with.
XxxxXXxxxXXX
It was one of those things that had happened gradually, overtime, and without him even realizing it at first. It was constant jabs at each other, fists fight, you know, the usual bullshit between them. Seifer didn't think too much of it at first and had shrugged it off, thinking he was going crazy because, really, liking the chicken-wuss caught him off guard, leaving him wondering just what the hell was wrong with him.
He wasn't in denial
At least anymore, and resigned to the fact that maybe, just maybe, he had somewhat of a thing for the overly hyper moron. He had tried his best to ignore it at first, shaking his head at himself and generally wondering just what the actual fuck was wrong with him.
He was just taken in by the other boy, starting to see things he hadn't seen before. Like the way his hair sticks to his face when he's all sweaty, the way his sweat glistens his tanned skinned, (and god help him) the way he looks after a particular grueling sparring match with Seifer.
What the hell was wrong with him anyway?
He had no reason, that he could think of anyway, to be noticing shit like that. But he had and, for the life of him, wished he hadn't.
It sucked sometimes.
"SHOULD TELL."
Snapping out of his inner musings, he turned to one of best friends. "What?" Not quite catching what she was talking about at the moment, having been too preoccupied in his self deprecating thoughts of an unrequited crush.
"ZELL, SHOULD TELL," the one eyed woman repeated, giving him a thoughtful looking, not liking to repeat herself, but Seifer was her friend.
"What do you mean?" He leaned back, cup he was holding forgotten about until she interrupted him, so he took a sip of his coffee, regarding her with a weary gaze.
"Zell...I know you like him." Fujin said, giving him a look.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Fu," Seifer said, knowing full well was she was talking about, but playing stupid anyway, even thought he knew she knew of his feelings which, by the way, he didn't care to talk about.
"LIES," Fujin shook her head. "I'm not stupid, ya know?"
"Now you're sounding like Rai," Seifer said, smirking at the glare she shot his way.
He knew very well what she was talking about, even though he wanted to avoid that topic of conversation entirely. Zell wasn't a subject he liked bringing up. He knew he was pining and, really, it was kind of pathetic on his part. Seifer doesn't pine, especially over a stupid tattooed overly hyper dip shit like Zell.
But he was and fuck him if he didn't wanna punch himself for it.
"You know, you never know unless you try, Seifer."
"What?" he asked, returning his gaze to her, which he was looking blankly at his cup of coffee, which by now was cold. He scooted it away from himself and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. He noted the restaurant was kinda crowded around this time of day and he didn't wanna have people listening in on their conversation.
"Seifer." She regarded him sadly for a second and shook her head. "You should just tell him…"
Seifer snorted. "Oh?"
"I know how you feel about him, you know?"
He narrowed his eyes slightly. "I don't know what you mean." He crossed his arms and refused to meet her eyes.
"You know damn well what I mean, Seifer." The silvered hair woman held a knowing look on her face.
"What's that?" Seifer asked rhetorically.
"Seifer.." she shook her head.
"Just drop it, Fujin," he told her. He really just wanted to be somewhere else right now.
"So I can just sit here and watch you pine of over him?"
"I am not pining," Seifer said, feeling a little offended even though it was true. He was Seifer Almasy; he doesn't pine over anyone. Ever.
"LIAR," she stated, scoffing.
"What do you know, anyway?" Seifer snapped, not even caring the he was being a little louder than before. The hell did he care?
"I know you like, Dincht. And you're not gonna get him sitting here on your ass, pining."
"I'm not p-" He trailed off, knowing anything he said wouldn't matter anyway and Fujin would say what she wanted. And it was pointless to lie to her anyway when she already knew how he felt.
She smirked victoriously, gray eyes shining with amusement at her counterparts petulance.
"Whatever," he snapped again, a little quieter than last time. He was well aware he hadn't denied it.
"I'm just saying," Fujin started again, seriously this time, "You need to tell him."
"I am not having this conversation with you anymore," he replied. "Not now. Not ever." He was tired, having had many restless nights sleep over this. She didn't need to know that though.
She just smirked again, knowing he was full of it. He could try and lie to her all he wanted, but she knew him well; better than most actually. He was like a brother to her.
"Oh, fuck off," he said without any bite to it.
He was not pining.
"DENIAL."
He stood up and decided he needed a nap. "I gotta get back. I'll talk to you later."
He most certainly was not going to his room to pine. Nope.
He didn't hear what she said in reply to his not so subtle departure; the doors closing behind him as he made his way back to garden.
The next few days consisted of the same thing; fights with Zell, throwing barbs his way, getting and giving punches. Zell getting all puffed up at Seifer's teasing. It was always so easy to goad Zell.
And no, it wasn't because he liked the way he looked all puffed up like an angry kitten. How sexy he looked; red faced, sweating matted to his skin when they fought…and it most certainly wasn't because he enjoyed the closeness that came with fighting with the other male.
He knew he was just making it worse for himself.
But they made it a routine of sorts. He always knew when Zell would be in the training center; or the library, or when he went into town. He definitely wasn't stalking. That wasn't him at all. He just knew these things from spending so much time with him over the last several months. He believed he started feeling something for the other man some time when they went on a mission together last time and had actually bonded and gotten to know him a little better. He doubted he had the same views as Seifer had though.
A lot of what Zell would bring up was getting a girlfriend. (if that wasn't a kick to the gut) But, he played it off well. He was not some loves truck school girl with a fucking crush, He was perfectly capable of dealing with these stupid fucked up feelings he had gotten over these months, knowing they wouldn't be returned.
He was sitting in the cafeteria sipping on his beverage, seeing Zell over at the counter talking to the lunch lady. (He could never remember her name) He was watching as Zell was gesturing widely with his arms, like he was telling her an animated story of sorts. He saw the way his muscles flexed.
Fuck
"Still haven't told him ya know?"
He snapped back to himself and said, "huh?" oh so intelligibly.
Raijin rolled his eyes. Oay, so he couldn't keep anything from his friends. And Fujin and found out anyway and had told Raijin."Man, what is wrong with you?"
"Nothing," Seifer said with a wave of his hand as if he weren't acting like a love sick girl.
Which he fucking wasn't okay?
"Uh huh," he said non believably.
"I'm just having my morning coffee," he said, indicating the forgotten cup in front of himself.
"I'm not stupid, ya know?"
"What do you mean?"
He wasn't about to get into this again with Raijin; he'd already been through it was Fu. He eyed Zell again out of the corner of his eyes and saw him smiling at the girl. If only he'd look at me like that, Seifer thought, resisting the urge to groan. He narrowed his eyes when she placed a hand on his bicep.
"I mean, if you wait too long, you'll have missed your chance, ya know?"
"He's not even gay," Seifer felt the need to point that out.
"How do you know unless you try?"
Seifer refused to answer, instead turning his attention back to the object of his..um, not girly crush.
"You have it bad, ya know?" Raijin chuckled at his friend, seeing the eyes he had on Zell.
"Raijin," Seifer started, "shut up."
He laughed. "Okay, fine, but I'm just saying. Well, I gotta go. Have fun pining."
"Not pining," he growled, well aware he was doing just that.
As Raijin left Seifer started thinking about this little crush on Zell. Was that all it really was though? How did it get to this point anyway? It had started out as innocent little things. From noticing things he'd never noticed before, to spending more time with the other blond, to getting to know him better. Now he wasn't so sure it was just a stupid little crush on a dumb tattooed idiot.
Sighing, leaned back, cup forgotten about again. He really ought to stop doing this to himself. It wasn't healthy. He still wasn't even quite sure how this all happened anyway; just that it did and he was being stupid over it and there wasn't much else he could do about the situation either.
This sucked.
"Seifer? What are you doing here?"
He snapped his eyes over to Zell, blinking. "What's it look like, chicken-wuss?"
"Stop calling me that!" He sat down opposite of Seifer as if asking hadn't even crossed his mind. He grinned at the other.
"Shorty then?"
Zell rolled his eyes. He was use to this. "Fuck you. So what are you doing over here?"
"Just...drinking my coffee," he said lamely, but Zell didn't seem to notice. "So what do you want, Dincht?
"Oh.." he frowned as if remembering why he had come over in the first place. "You're good with girls, right? Maybe you could help me out?"
Seifer was lost. "Help you with what?"
"Well, I wanted to ask this girl out and don't know how I should do it…"
Seifer felt his mind blank and just stared for a moment. Then he finally said, "What?" He really didn't know what else to say at the moment. That was the last thing he expected Zell to ask him; him of all people.
"Oh, come on. I'm sure you have some pointers."
"Why should I help you?"
Zell rolled his eyes. "Because!"
Seifer snorted,"nice answer, chicken-wuss. Sure I'd love to help the mentally incompetent."
"Hey!" Zell raised his fists.
"What the hell do you need my help for exactly?" He crossed his arms.
"I don't know what to say.." he trailed off.
"Well, for starters, don't act yourself." He dodged a punch aimed for his arm for that comment. "And seriously, Dincht. Just ask her. It's not that hard to get a date. Oh, I forgot it's you we're talking about here."
"What!," Zell frowned.
Sefier snickered.
"You're such a bastard, Almasy," Zell scowled.
"That's me, a regular bastard."
"Only you would be proud of that."
Seifer rolled his eyes and scoffed. Inside he was feeling pissed off. Asking him for help to land a date? Unknowingly hurting the taller man. And that's what hurt the most. He didn't even realize what he was doing to Seifer. He needed to get away.
"Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have better places to be."
"Hey, you-" But his voice fell on deaf ears as the other walked away. "Bastard."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
He refused to admit he was stalking. Because he wasn't. That would be too pathetic and desperate. So after day two of watching Zell try and get the girl to go on a date with him, he's found himself interested despite himself. He was probably making a fool of himself and. That, Seifer would never pass up a chance to see.
Not to say he wasn't frustrated beyond all fucking hell, because he most definitely was. He hated seeing the interactions between Zell and the girl. He had never avoided shit in his life before, and he wasn't gonna start now. He was a big boy...he could take care of himself just fine. Thank you very much. However, he wasn't sure to the unrequited scenario. Usually he didn't have to worry about that; girls always throwing themselves at him.
He always hated that.
He wasn't the clingy type.
But he found himself more attracted to the male gender these last few months. The girls didn't really do it for him like they use to. But he blamed that on that damn brat he ended up liking far more than he should've.
Yeah. Definitely his fault. He just had to go and do something stupid like grow feelings for a guy he use to pick on and harass almost daily.
He was driving himself crazy to say the least.
He found himself in the cafeteria again and tried to subtly pretend to be doing something rather than stare at Zell, who was talking again with that same chick he now didn't like. He knew it was petty but he didn't care.
"Seifer!
He was jolted out of his thoughts and, for a brief moment, all he did was stare dumbly. "What?"
"Guess what?" Zell grinned like an idiot.
"What?" he asked lowly, not sure he really wanted to know, but already guessing what Zell was going to tell him.
"I took your advise and just went for it and I have a date!"
Seifer felt like screaming, or punching a wall, or Zell since he was the closest to him right now. "That's...nice…."
"You don't sound sincere."
"What do you mean?" He hoped his voice sounded normal.
Zell just shrugged. "Anyway, I'm going out with her tonight. To this place in Balamb."
"Why are you telling me this chicken-wuss?"
"Just thought you should know."
"I'm touched," he sarcastically replied with a roll of his eyes. He just wanted Zell to go away. To leave him to mope to himself where no one could see him doing so. He hands gripped his knees a little too tightly and, if only just barely, managed to keep from gritting his teeth.
"You okay?" Zell asked, cocking an eyebrow at the odd behavior.
Seifer let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Fine, wuss. Better go get ready for your date."
"Fucker. Don't call me that."
"Or what?" Seifer challenged.
"Tch bastard. Fine. I'll leave you to yourself then. I have more important things to do." Zell stuck his tongue out at the other and Seifer almost lost it and dragged the tongue in for a kiss.
Seifer just shrugged and watched him go. He sighed as soon and Zell was gone; wondering just what in the actual fuck was he doing? His mind was a whirlwind of emotions at the moment; more so than they had been. Logically, it's probably better that this was happening anyway Was it though? He frowned to himself thinking just how he'd let this happen to himself. He just had to get attached to the other blond.
Fuck him.
"He got away again, huh?"
Rolling his eyes he said, "What do you want, fu?" He was most certainly not sulking.
She plopped down across from him, eyeing him with interest. "I seen you talking to Zell.." she trailed off, seeing the look he was giving her.
"And?"
"How did it go?"
"I don't know what you mean.." he stopped himself, cursing himself for being too obvious.
"Did you saying to him?" she prompted.
"No.."
"Why not?" Fujin frowned.
"Because," he snapped, "He like's someone else And he's not even gay." He didn't like the look he received from her after that statement. He didn't need or want anyone's damn pitty. He was grown. It wasn't noting he couldn't handle.
"Seifer—"
"No! I'm not talking about this," he snapped, feeling for all he was worth like a fucking love sick loser who had some stupid crush He was starting to feel nautious.
"Are you okay?: she decided to ask instead.
"Fine. I'm...fine, Fu," Seifer said slowly, hoping to believe it himself. "I'm gonna go lie down."
"You can't keep yourself locked away, Seifer," Fujin said, shaking her head. "You should still talk to him, if-"
"And what would I even say!"
"The truth."
"I don't…" He didn't know what to say to that, honestly. Because sure, it may seem easy; it's really not like that. He'd wanted to before, but always decided against it. What the hell would Zell even say to him? Him. Seifer Almasy? The man who who go out of his way to make him as miserable as possible in the past, suddenly confessing his feelings for the other man. Somehow he didn't think it would end well.
"Seifer, you can't keep doing this to yourself," the girl said in a sympathetic tone.
"I know," he muttered, thinking to himself. Would it be a good idea to confess? He really didn't know. Though, crawling under his blankets and hiding away seems like a good idea right now, he didn't think that would help matters any—no matter how much that thought appealed to him right now.
He hated the way his friends seemed to pitty him; like he couldn't deal with this unrequited bullshit like an adult. And they just fell sorry for him. He didn't want anyone feeling sorry for him. He could handle a lot. But one that other hand; he'd never had to deal with this before. And Zell was different. He was able to break Seifer's walls, get him to start actually feeling things. Even if he hadn't understood it at the time. Zell had always been different in Seifer's opinion.
"You better do something," she said.
Sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose (a bad habit he swore he got from Leonhart) He knew he needed to do something. "I don't even know what to say.."
"Just tell him how you feel."
"Yeah. Easy for you to say," Seifer snarked, crossing his arms. He wasn't pouting.
She just rolled her eyes. "GO," she pointed to the exit.
But he wasn't even gay was he? Seifer groaned to himself. "Fine. I'll go," he conceded. What the hell did he have to lose now anyway?
"GOOD." Fujin nodded in approval, giving a soft smile. "BE GONE."
He nodded and walked along the halls, knowing that Zell would most like be in his room getting ready for his date.
That thought hurt.
Steeling himself for what was to come, he went up to Zell's door and knocked. After only a few moments the door opened. A half nude Zell stood in front of him and all Seifer thought was.
Fuckin perfect.
"Uh," Seifer blinked, not um..blushing or anything, because he doesn't blush.
"Seifer?!" Zell was surprised to see him standing there. "What are you doing here?"
Forcing himself to meet Zell's eyes instead of other torturous places. "I need to talk to you," was what he managed, and proud that his voice actually sounded somewhat normal.
"What?"
"You heard me the first time, Dincht."
"But..I can't right now, I'm getting ready."
"It won't take long." Not waiting for a response, he shoved the other blond inside and closed the door.
"What the hell, Almasy? You can't just barge in you ass!" He glared at the other.
"I said I needed to talk…" Seifer trailed off.
"And it couldn't have waited?"
"No," Seifer breathed out, suddenly unsure.
"You okay? You seem-"
"I like you," Seifer interrupted.
Zell just stared and stared, not sure he had heard that quite right. His mind must be playing tricks on him. "Um...w-what?"
"I think you heard me the first time," Seifer said, crossing his arms, acting like he was not confessing his feelings right now.
"Wha—you're...no fuckin way, man.." Zell's eyes went wide and Seifer couldn't quite place the look on his face.
Part of Seifer just wanted to turn and walk away. "You're.."
"Gay?" Seifer filled in. "Yeah, Dincht. And I thought I'd you know, confess…"
"Whooaa Whoa, Hold the fuck up, Almasy!" Zell squeaked. "Confess, feelings." He shook his head, trying to wrap his mind around everything.
"Yeah.." Seifer seemed less sure of himself now that he finally realized that he was actually confessing to his crush.
"I don't.."
Seifer held up his hand to his lips. "Shut up"
Zell tried to speak around the hand the was to his lips, but couldn't so he just glared and huffed.
"I know you're surprised. And a little slow.." Seifer received a glare for that and a scowl and something that sounded suspiciously like 'asshole' come from Zell's mouth. "But," he continued, "you know, I just thought before you actually went out that maybe I could tell you before.."
"Before what?" Zell asked once his mouth was free, mostly having regained his composure by now. "Seifer...I'm straight...I mean, I'm not.."
"You think I don't fucking know that, Dincht?" Seifer sighed.
"Then what?"
Seifer bit his lip. Well, it was now or never, he supposed. Stepping forward, he wrapped his arms around the others waist. Bringing him closer, he looked in his eyes before he made the final move and pressed his lips against Zell's in a hesitant but soft kiss.
"Mphh!" was all Zell managed to say as his lips were He was frozen, not sure what to do.
Seifer was in heaven. This kiss—he'd dreamed about so many times. Nothing came close to the real thing. Zell's lips were soft and moist and tasted like mint. No matter how many times he'd imagined what it would be like—he'd never imagined it quite like this.
Zell started kissing back after his shock wore off, letting the tongue enter his mouth. He didn't know what was happening. He was running his hands through Seifer's hair now, noting how soft it was.
Seifer moaned a little at that, deepening the kiss slightly.
All too soon though, the kiss ended and Seifer stared up and Zell from the floor, shock written on his face.
"What the hell are you doing, Almasy!" he demanded, clenching his fists.
"I believe it's called kissing. It takes two to be done, chicken-wuss," Seifer snapped out, offended he had been shoved to the floor after Zell returned the kiss.
"I know what a fucking kiss is you asshole," Zell snarled slightly. "I'm not gay!"
"But.." Seifer blinked.
"Get out."
"What?" Seifer frowned at the cold tone Zell was using.
"I said get out!" Zell shouted, shoving Seifer to the door.
Seifer was too stunned to protest when Zell grabbed him and shoved him out the door, slamming in it his face.
Well that didn't go well, Seifer thought to him, frowning and trying his best to hold in his emotions from everything that just happened. All he wanted to do in that moment was break something, scream his frustration out. And his eyes were most definitely not becoming moist.
"Fine," Seifer suddenly snapped to the closed door. Turning away he decided to go to his room.
He was not going to cry..
But damn that hurt.
XXXXXXXXXX
"Zell!"
Forcing himself to focus on his date, he smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. His mind was elsewhere at the moment. "What's up?"
"Are you even listening to me?" she asked, frowning.
"I'm sorry. I'm just a little tired," he lied. What was his problem anyway? Here he was on a date with a girl he'd been trying to get with for weeks, and his mind was on something it had no right being on right now. "What were you saying?"
"I was saying …"
He tuned her out again, mind wandering back to this incident in his room earlier and the hurt look on Seifer's face. Why was was he thinking about that? Why did he care if Seifer was hurt or not? It wasn't his problem Seifer had feelings for him, was it? There was nothing he could do about.
So why was he still thinking about it now? Why was it bothering him so much?
"This is a nice diner, don't you think, Zell?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah, it is," he nodded somewhat distractedly.
"You know if you're not feeling up to it, we can reschedule our date," she suggested with a smile.
"Oh! Oh, I'm fine," he said."it's fine. We can stay here."
"If you're sure." The girl grabbed his hand and held it for a moment.
Zell looked down at the joined hands and immediately thought about how Seifer's hands were on him only hours earlier. How good that had felt.
WHAT?
No, he was not thinking like that. He was not attracted to Seifer. He kept repeating this over and over in his head. Then why the fuck couldn't he get the kiss out of his mind? He was straight and here with a pretty girl who was actually interested in him. Him. His mind and focus should be on her but it wasn't and he felt guilty about it, especially because he was the one who asked her out.
"Zelly? Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yes," he responded quickly, cursing himself for sounding stupid.
"You just seem out of it," she pointed out. "Like you're not all here."
"I'm sorry." And he sounded sincere, too. "I'm a terrible date," he chuckled while shaking his head, utterly ashamed of himself for his behavior.
"No You're not hun. I get it. You're probably just nervous.
She was right about that, but not for the reasons she thought.
"Yeah, you're probably right…" he trailed off again, wondering what was going on him with now. There was no reason for it. Who cared about that kiss anyway?
He did.
And that was the whole entire fuckin problem right now.
"I'm glad you finally asked me out," she said, smiling.
"Yeah," Zell said, not feeling quite as happy about it as when he first asked her.
But if he were honest with himself—he didn't feel as enthusiastic about the since he'd first made it, But he wasn't gay right? So why was he still thinking about it? It just all happened so fast—Seifer being gay and confessing—confessing his feelings for Zell and then kissing the shorter male. He didn't know what to make of it all. His head was swimming and he was starting to feel a dull throb.
It was just Seifer, right? It didn't mean anything...then why couldn't he get the hurt look off the others face out of his head? That look...he blinked, as if realizing what he'd done. What the hell had he done anyway? He didn't like Seifer.
He rubbed his eyes. If that were true then how come he couldn't stop thinking about it?
Dammit! Why did he have to mess with him like this? Make him all confused and jittery.
Jittery?
"Zell, honey? Would you like to just cancel for today?"
"Huh?" He was brought back and blinked at his date. "Mar...I'm sorry. I'm horrible at this." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
"It's okay, Zell," Marlene said in understanding. "There's plenty of time for us to date. There's no rush."
"I'm sorry." he repeated, shaking his head. He rubbed his face with his hands and sighed, frustrated with himself.
"Really, it's not a big deal."
"You're really understanding," he noted with a small smile. "I really wish this could've went better, though." And he did. She didn't deserve to be ignored.
"I try to be," She chuckled. "I know. But there's other times." When she said that, he looked at her for a moment, wondering.
"Thanks," was all he managed to say, not sure anything else seemed appropriate.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Seifer," came Fujin's soft voice.
He grunted. "What?" He was currently in the training center.
She had come with him to keep him company. She knew how it went and she was not happy with Zell at the moment. Stupid chicken.
"You should take a break."
"No," he refused. Not that this really helped much..because let's face it; it didn't at all. It had been a week since he'd spoken to the other man. Of course he wasn't really surprised, he supposed.
He had been hurt. And even his ego could be shot to shit. He mentally cursed Zell for making him feel this way. Making him into a fucking pussy. Making him feel so good inside. Making him hurt, Just turn him into a regular fucking pansy why don't you? He scoffed to himself at his thoughts. He was acting like a fucking little pussy over the chicken and he started chuckling to himself.
"Are you okay?" Fujin asked, wondering if he'd just lost what bit of mind he had left.
"Fine, I guess," Seifer nodded, frowning. Fine? Yeah. Sure he was fine. He didn't just make a fucking fool of himself. He hadn't turned into a moron over another moron. He had just confessed his feelings only to have them thrown back in his face like they didn't matter.
Yeah. He was fine.
"No you're not."
"Then why ask when you already know?"
""WORRIED," she said furrowing her brow. "I'm just worried about you and so is Raijin."
"I know," Seifer sighed. "I'll get over it." Was it that easy though? Seifer thought to himself. Could he just get over it? He knew what he felt was more than some stupid little crush. He'd fallen for the stupid wuss and he knew it.
Fuck him if that wasn't a low fucking blow.
He wished it hadn't happened. Who was he kidding? Actually think—for even a split second that maybe he had a chance. He blamed himself for having fallen for the idiot in the first place. And it pained him to have Zell avoid him. Not the he'd expected anything less that. He was surprised Zell hadn't just punched him in the face for kissing him. A kiss that had ended too soon in Seifer's opinion.
But it'd been a week and he hadn't spoken to Seifer, nor has he even seen him in the training center. Not that he had really been getting out much anyway. He'd taken to his room lately. His comfort zone. Where he can mope in peace away from everyone else. He didn't need people seeing that shit.
"Seifer? You really should take a break. You look tired," she pointed out to him, noticing him sweating and breathing hard, looking slightly(a term used loosely) out of it.
"I said I was fine," he grouched, not believing his own words. But he wasn't about to admit to anything.
He'd fucked up. And now he was paying for it.
He hadn't known what gave him the bright idea kissing Zell that day, or why he thought it would be a good idea in the first place. He found himself missing Zell's company—a lot actually. Like hell he'd admit that though. He stared blankly out to nowhere in particular. Why did he always have to fuck everything up? That's all he was ever good at it seemed. All because of some useless feelings he had and couldn't control himself. He cursed himself in his mind.
He just wanted things to go back to normal. But could they go back to how they were, really? It wasn't likely. It was likely Zell was going to avoid him for as long as he could.
And dammit, that stung. Bad.
"Do you wanna go somewhere? We've been here for hours, ya know?"
"Now you sound like Raijin," Seifer chuckled. He really was grateful for his friends. They were the best he'd ever had, and wouldn't trade them for anything. He'd probably be falling apart without them, he admitted quietly in his mind.
Her silver eye sparkled at her friends laughter. It had been a while since she'd seem him laugh or even smile much. "NEGATIVE," she said with a swipe of her hand, making a face at such a suggestion.
"Whatever, as puberty boy would say."
She shook her head. "Does he know you still call him that?"
"Yep. Along with other."
He might not say it, but he had grown closer with the brunet and he even considered them somewhat friends. Even if he was a pain in the ass.
"Besides, he enjoys my little names," Seifer declared brightly, earning an amused look from his silver haired companion.
"I'll be sure to let him know that."
Seifer grinned at her, feeling a little better that she was here to keep him company.
"I'm glad you're feeling better," she commented.
He lost his smile slightly, breathing coming a little faster at thoughts of Zell. "I'll be fine," he said again for the hundredth time it seemed, hoping he'd eventually believe it.
Dammit. This sucked.
"We need to take a break."
"I'm fine," he again repeated, feeling like a broken record.
"I'm wo-"
"You don't need to be," Seifer cut her off. And that ended the conversation. "If I say I'm fine, Fu, then that's what I mean," He hadn't meant to sound snappy but he was growing sick of repeating himself time and time again.
She sighed. "You're so stubborn," she said, narrowing her eyes. He was, too. He'd run himself ragged if he kept this up.
"If you wanna take off, go ahead. I'm gonna stay here for a little while longer though."
She hesitated a moment. "Oh, christ! I can take care of myself."
"Fine," she relented. "Just don't stay here too much longer, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, No go."
And she did. With one last worried glance at him, she nodded and then walked out. Seifer would be fine. He could more than hold his own.
He watched her back as she left, heart heavy. He really didn't mean to be snappy with her. She was only worried about him. One of the few people who are at least. The other being Raijin and, if he thought so, maybe Squall too. And it was like he was trying to drive them away.
"Seifer?" startled he whirled around to see Squall standing there, gunblade in hand. Well, speak of the devil, Seifer smirked.
"Squall.."
"What are you doing in here?" Squall asked with a frown, obviously he hadn't expected him to be in there.
"You know, same as usual, I guess."
Squall nodded. "It's been brought to my attention we hadn't had a good spar for a while.
Not missing a beat Seifer said, "wanna remedy that, princess?"
Squall glared. "Fuck you, Almasy."
They began. It was easy to get into the rhythm of his and Squall's duels. He'd missed it. He hadn't a good match in a while and this helped clear his mind for a short while. Their flow was smooth and in sync with each other. He parry and doge was flawless. Blades clanged together as blade met each other.
They were breathing hard—Seifer more so because he'd been in there a while and was exerting himself further. He didn't care. If it helped ease his thoughts and not focus on certain things, he was good.
"You seem a little distracted." Gray eyes sparkled in the dimly lit area.
"Nah.." Seifer waved it off, completely full of shit.
"Why do I get the feeling you just lied to me?"
"I'm not…"
"Bullshit, Seifer."
"What?"
"I'd like to think I know you pretty well by this point," Squall rolled his eyes. "Give me some credit."
"You think?" Seifer asked, quirked a golden brow. He was not about to repeat himself yet again. He knew Squall knew him well. Just as Seifer knew him well. He was growing tired suddenly. He shook his head.
"Yes," Squall nodded. "I do. Something wrong?"
"No, why would something be wrong?"
"You tell me?"
"There's nothing to tell," Seifer lied easily. "Just been a long day is all." He wondered what Squall would think if he knew about him. He didn't know if he wanted to find out. He bit his lip in thought.
"I know we've been seeing less of you," Squall said. "Any reason?"
"It's nothing to concern yourself with, Squally."
Squall ignored the jab and continued, "You seem a lot more distracted lately.
Well shit.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Leonhart." These lies keep coming.
"Seifer—"
"No, we are not having this conversation," Seifer said firmly. "I'm good, princess. No need to worry about me."
"I'm not," the brunet denied. "It was just an observation." The look in his eyes said different.
"Right.." he snorted. "Well, it's getting late, anyway. I think it's time to call it a night."
Squall knew when to take a hint. "Fine. Good night Seifer."
"Good night."
XxxxxXXXxxxxxxxxxxx
"Good morning, Seifer."
"Morning, Instructor."
"How'd you sleep?"
"Fine." Though that was a blatant lie and he knew it. He'd been having many nights tossing and turning. Making him a little bitchy. He caught site of Zell and, for a moment their eyes locked. Making his face as inscrutable as possible, he stared at Zell.
"Seifer?"
Tearing his green eyed gaze away from Zell he turned to his former teacher. "What? What did you say?"
She gave him a look. "I said Fujin stopped by but couldn't reach you."
"Oh.." he sighed. "I'll call her later," he promised. He noticed Zell was kinda glancing at him every now and then.
Huh weird.
"Are you alright?"
Resisting the urge to punch something he replied, "yea, why?"
"I don't know…" the blonde woman trailed off. "You just don't seem like yourself lately."
"Oh? And how is that Quistis?" he asked, his voice almost a growl.
She blinked, startled by his tone.
"Sorry.."
"Are you sure you're alright?"
"What is this, twenty questions or something?" he snapped without thinking. He was just getting tired of being asked the same goddamn questions all the time.
He looked to see Zell talking to the girl he made a date with a week ago and frowned. This hurt more than he thought seeing them together. They seemed to be getting a long…
"Ah, hell," he muttered to himself, feeling sick all of a sudden. He tightened his hands into fists, glaring at the table, unaware Quistis was still there watching him with a questioning gaze. "What?"
"Something wrong?"
"Nope. Peachy fuckin keen," he said.
"Nice sarcasm."
Seifer rolled his eyes at her. He watched as Zell slowly approached their table and he narrowed his eyes.
"Hey.." he said awkwardly.
Seifer eyed him and didn't say anything. He did not want to deal with this right now. He was not avoiding him though.
"Hello, Zell. How was your date?"
Zell shot his eyes over to Seifer to gauge his reaction to that, but he made his face expressionless. "It was...alright," he began slowly. "I-"
"I have to go," Seifer abruptly stood up.
"W-what?" Quistis was startled.
"I'm gonna go give Fu a call.." He wouldn't say he ran. Just walked really fast.
"Seifer!" Zell's voice almost made him turn out but he just didn't have it in him to do so at the moment. Too many things going on inside his head...and the pain he was feeling at the thoughts of it all.
"What was that all about?"
Zell sighed and plopped down. He bit his lip and leaned back a little. "I don't know…"
"Something tells me you do and I wanna know what it is."
"I don't...I can't...I don't fucking know, okay!?" He grabbed his hair and yanked on it in frustration. "I mean, shit…"
"Zell, what's going on?" she asked, sitting forward, eyes serious.
"He…" Zell stopped himself. Could he really tell her?
"Yes?"
"This stays between you and me okay?"
"Okay, Zell. I promise. Now what is going on?"
"I mean it, Quis, No no needs to know my business," he warned her.
"I got it, Zell."
"About a week or week and half ago…" he started chewing his bottom lip. "Seifer—he came to me. And he…"
"He what?" Quistis prompted quietly.
Zell looked around to make sure no one was listening in. Turning back to her he said, "he kissed me."
"What!?"
"Keep it down!" he hissed, eyes darting around in case anyone was staring.
"Y-you're kidding right?" she asked.
"No, I'm not…"
"What did you do?"
"I told him I wasn't guy and kicked him out of my room." Zell frowned to himself remembering the display.
"Oh, Zell…" she shook her blonde head.
"What else was I suppose to do!?" Zell blurted out in a rush, momentarily forgetting the prying ears around.
"That was harsh…"
"Ugh, I know. We haven't said a word to each other since then…" he stopped himself, thinking.
"So what are you going to do?"
"Ugh, I don't know….forget it ever happened?"
"You know you can't do that," she said with a shake of her head. "How do you feel?"
"That's just it! I don't fucking know anymore! Ever since-ever since then I've been confused...like I'm questioning who I am... "
"I think you need to talk to him."
"And what the hell am I suppose to say to a guy who's kissed me and I've avoided for over a week?"
"The truth."
"You are no help," he glared at her.
"Zell, just find him and talk to him. He's obviously still very hurt. And you're no gonna get anything settled like this," Quistis said straight forward to the point.
"Ugh. Can't I just forget about it?"
"Zell, do you like him?"
"No! I mean...I didn't think I did…..Ugh fuck, I think maybe I do…" he said, making a face.
"Then find him and tell him." The woman pointed to the door. "Now go."
"But.." he frowned. What the hell was he even going to say? Would Seifer even talk to him after what he did?
"Just go," she sighed. Why does she always drag herself into this?
"Fine!" He stood up and nodded to Quistis and hastily retreated in the direction Seifer had gone.
As he walking he thought about what he was going to say to the other man. He knew Seifer would probably be upset with him, which he understood. He had been avoiding Seifer; trying to figure out what was going on in his own head about the whole thing. He wasn't sure what was going to happen, but knew he needed to talk to Seifer.
He felt nervous suddenly. They hadn't spoken in over a week. Ugh why did shit have to be so complicated anyway?
Stupid Seifer.
He had been constantly thinking about that evening—the look Seifer had on his face when he pushed him..that made him feel guilty for some reason.
Spotting Seifer talking to Squall, he started bounding towards the duo. "Hey, guys…."
They both turned around. Seeming to have been in an intimate conversation. He wondered if Seifer told Squall anything.
"Zell," Squall nodded to him, eyes sort of narrowed.
Seifer just shook his head and turned back around and started walking off.
"Seifer! Hey..Seifer, wait! Hyne damn-" he grabbed the others arm to turn him around.
Oh man.
Seifer's eyes looked kind of red.
Was he crying?
"What do you want, Dincht?"
"I'm trying to talk to you…"
"And I was leaving," he said coldly, yanking his arm free.
"But Seifer."
"What, dammit?" he snapped out.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry," Zell started, "I-"
"You're sorry? Fuck you Dincht, Just fuck off why don't you. Go back to your girlfriend."
Zell glared. "I'm trying to apologize!"
"Save your fucking apology," Seifer snarled. He was just so pissed and hurt. They were both unaware Squall was watching the scene intently, eyes narrowed.
"What? But-"
"Leave me alone Dincht...I'm about two seconds from pounding your stupid face in," Seifer glared harder and got in his face.
Zell would not back down. "Stop being a stubborn bitch!"
Bitch?
"Bitch?" Seifer asked, eyebrows raising. "I'm being a bitch?"
"Yes! You won't even hear me out!"
"I don't want to hear your excuses Dincht!"
Zell was becoming pissed. He knew he should have expected a confrontation of sorts. This was ridiculous. "I'm not-"
"I don't fucking care! Get out of my face Zell, I swear…" Seifer warned, face heating up. He was getting so worked up.
"No! You're not even listening to me. If you'd just listen to me."
"I'm making it a point to not listen to you."
"Dammt, Seifer! Just..listen to what I have to say…"
"Why?"
"Because you're the one who fucking kissed me! And you won't even let me talk!" Zell fumed, clenching fists.
Seifer's face heated up in embarrassment at being outed so publicly.
Squall's jaw dropped.
"Oh.." Zell realized what he'd done and looked ashamed.
"You—" Squall started, blinking.
"Way to go Dincht…" Seifer was livid. Clenching his fists, he clocked Zell jaw, hard.
Zell stared at Seifer in stunned silence for a moment before getting back to his feet, glaring, and returning the blow just as hard.
And that's how they ended up rolling on the floor exchanging blows. Zell got in an elbow to Seifer's ribs and Seifer's fists connecting with Zell's cheek.
Squall, who had recovered from his shock by this point, quickly intervened the dueling duo. "Seifer!" Squall grabbed said man and hauled him up. Damn Squall was strong. He turned Seifer to face him, who was still shaking. "Calm down."
Seifer did look pretty guilty. "Fuck," he groaned.
"Seifer.."
"Zell...I'm sorry..I didn't mean…"
Zell stood and sighed. "It's okay."
"No, no it's not. I shouldn't have hit you. I let my anger get the better of me," Seifer said, closing his eyes as he felt his breathing slow down.
"It's fine. I mean yea, you were being your usual bastardly self," Seifer chuckled at that. "But I wasn't very nice to you either…"
"I was…" Seifer looked at Zell. "I'm..fuck..I'm sorry. Dammit….this...wasn't…" he sighed.
"I know," Zell said. He understood. "I'm sorry too."
Seifer shook his head. "It's not your fault your straight and I'm a jackass who got myself in this fucking mess anyway…"
"No. That's not…"
"It's fine. I get it. I know.."
"Seifer!" Zell got in Seifer's face and glared.
Seifer blinked. "W-what?"
"Well, I was trying to tell you before you threw your bitch fit," Zell said.
"I don't throw bitch fits!" Seifer said, insulted.
Zell rolled his eyes. "Will you just shut the fuck up and listen to me for once, you stubborn ass?"
Seifer bit his lip and nodded. "What?"
"I'm saying ever since you confessed to me...it's...I couldn't get what happened out of my mine...even while I was on my date." Zell saw Seifer tense up at the word date.
"What are you trying to say?" Seifer asked slowly, carefully, heart pounding in his chest.
"Oh, for cryin out loud!" Zell grabbed Seifer's face and kissed him, earning a shocked gasp from the taller.
Seifer quickly responded to the kiss, reveling in the taste of Zell before he pulled away suddenly. "Dincht, if this is some fucked up way to mess with me.."
"Oh for fucks sake Seifer," Zell said with a scoff. "Just kiss me and shut up!"
"But—"
Zell cut him off with a passionate kiss that left the taller one breathless and dizzy. Zell was feeling pretty light headed too, even more so when he felt Seifer's not tongue slip into his warm mouth. He felt Seifer grip his hair on the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. Zell welcomed it immediately, opening his mouth up, feeling that tongue explore his mouth like it belonged there.
"Zell.." Seifer groaned, trying to regain the senses he'd lost during that rather torturous kiss Zell had given him.
Zell gripped Seifer's hair and pulled it a little, making the other gasp. "Are you done being a stubborn brat?"
"I'm not a brat!"
Zell laughed and pulled him in for another kiss.
Squall cleared his throat. "Uh, guys? You're in the hallway!" he scowled.