It had been a typical day at work, and Garak was eager to return to he and Julian's quarters. He hummed to himself quietly as he walked the hallways until he found their door, opening it. He found Julian inside waiting for him, sitting on their bed with a parcel on the bed next to him.
"Doctor!" Garak said, delighted. "You're back from Bajor! I didn't think you'd return so soon!"
"The last speaker in the conference couldn't make it," said Julian, standing. "And we've been dating for months now, can't you at least try to call me 'Julian'?"
"I can try," said Garak. "Ugh, that word- 'dating'. I despise it. It makes me feel like a child."
"Oh, Garak," said Julian. They embraced. Julian was warm, as usual, against Garak's scales. They held each other for a while. Julian knew just how much Garak liked when they did that. When they broke apart, Julian walked over to their bed and picked up the parcel. "I brought you something," he said.
"Really?" Garak arched an eye ridge. "And what might that be?" He met Julian beside their bed. As usual, Garak had made it impeccably that morning when he had awakened.
"I confess, I'm not sure how much you'll like it," said Julian, untying the top of the parcel. "But I thought we could try something... different."
"Oh?" Garak had to confess his curiosity. He watched as Julian unfolded the item, or items, from within the parcel. It was a series of different ropes and ties, as well as something that looked like a blindfold. Garak ascertained their meaning right away. "My dear!" he said, scandalized. "I thought you were attending a conference on Bajor, not- not going to sex shops!"
"A little of both," said Julian, unashamed. In fact, he was grinning like a boy, sitting there on the end of the bed. "You like them?"
"I'm certainly intrigued," said Garak, taking one of the ties in hand. It was lightweight, but strong. "My, my, what are these Bajorans getting up to?"
Julian chuckled. "I thought we could give them a try."
"Well," said Garak, "I suppose we ought to."
"For science," suggested Julian.
The two of them began to kiss deeply, Julian sitting on the end of the bed, Garak leaning over him. Julian tasted warm and good. Garak had taken a while to come around to this whole idea of Terran kissing, but he supposed, at the end of the day, that he didn't exactly mind it. In fact, he rather liked it.
It wasn't long before they started taking off their clothes. First Julian removed his uniform shirt, revealing his bare chest. Garak kissed a trail down it, and when he came up for air, Julian lifted Garak's shirt over his head. Garak felt cold without it, but he decided it would be a doable sacrifice.
"I suppose we should have a safeword," said Julian.
"A what?" said Garak.
"You know, a word to say if we want to stop what we're doing," said Julian. "How about..." He was looking around the room for inspiration. His eyes caught on the paneling. "Silver."
"Silver it is," said Garak, and gave him a kiss on the forehead, where his chufa would have been if he were a Cardassian.
"Get on the bed," ordered Julian. Garak obeyed. "Sit against the headboard, and put your hands against the headboard, one on each side of your head."
"Yes, doctor," said Garak dutifully. Julian really was getting into the spirit of things. Julian rummaged in the parcel with the ropes and ties and pulled out two ties, one for each of Garak's hands and tied them to the headboard of the bed. It was a strange feeling for Garak, being tied up, but he supposed he could get used to it.
Julian sat back, looking satisfied. "Well, well, well, doctor," said Garak with a bit of a smirk, "whatever are you going to do to me now?" Julian answered by leaning forward and kissing him with passion, their tongues exploring each others mouths, hot and wet. At some point, Julian began unbuttoning Garak's pants. Garak felt a bit shy, as he always did, exposing himself to the world (because he really was exposing himself to the world; since Julian was his world). But he tried not to let his shyness show as Julian pulled his pants down, exposing Garak and the light grayness of his bare legs. Julian began to to touch him, and Garak bit back a moan, not wanting anyone in the quarters next to them to hear. He reached out, putting his hands all over Julian, frantically undoing the front of his pants and pulling them down, as if he simply had to have him.
"Now, now, Garak," said Julian, pulling back. "You really are all over me, aren't you?"
"Of course I am," gasped Garak. "I-"
"You really are a dirty old man, aren't you?" He shook his head, but there was a grin spreading across his face. "Really, Garak, I'm shocked at you."
Garak had to smile. This was Julian's attempt at Cardassian flirting, or what the Terrans called arguing. He was horrible at it. Garak supposed he should play along. "You're the one with your hands all over my ajan," he retorted. "What else did you expect?"
"That's besides the point," said Julian. As he said that, he began to touch Garak again. He planted kisses on Garak's scaled chest. "Frankly, Garak, you're being entirely too forward. I find it disgusting."
The world stopped. At least, that's how it felt for Garak. Suddenly, he couldn't breathe. He sat there, tied by his wrists to the headboard of the bed, choking and sputtering. He could feel himself getting dizzy. Everything was blurry and horrible and too loud and too cold and too bright, and it felt so bad he wanted to throw up.
"Elim?" He could barely see Julian, everything was too smudgy. "Elim, are you okay?"
He tried to answer, but all that came out was labored breathing and random syllables. "J- Ju- I- hel- J-" He had forgotten the safeword, and he doubted he would be able to say it even if he could remember it.
He could feel Julian trying to untie him from the bed, and he could hear him cursing. Garak could feel his own heart beating, thump-thump, thump-thump, faster and faster and over and over. He felt Julian loosen the ties on one of his hands, then the other. Instinctively, Garak curled in on himself, burying his face in his hands and arms. Everything was too cold. He choked when he tried to breathe. He could feel Julian's hands on him, shaking his shoulders.
I'm dying, Garak thought. This is it, I'm dying.
But eventually it ended. He was able to breathe again. He un-hid himself from his hands and arms and saw that Julian was sitting in front of him on the bed, saying his name.
"Elim," said Julian, "are you all right? You've just had a terrible panic attack. Elim, talk to me."
"I'm fine," is what Garak tried to say. Instead, he started to cry.
He felt so pathetic, sitting there naked on the bed, sobbing, tears running down the scales on his face. His shoulders heaved and shook as he sobbed. He tried to wipe away the tears, but more and more kept coming.
"Elim, it's all right," said Julian. "It's all right. I've got you."
"I'm a horrible person," Garak whimpered. "I'm a horrible person. I'm a disgrace to Cardassia. My father would be ashamed of me. I'm... I'm disgusting."
"What are you talking about?" said Julian. "It's okay; you're not a horrible person, Elim..."
"Yes, I am," Garak insisted. "I'm a disgrace. I'm disgusting. I'm disgusting."
"Why?" Julian asked.
Garak sniffed. "You know why," he said. "Because... because of this." He gestured at himself and Julian. "Because of... because I'm with you."
"Because you're with a Terran?" asked Julian, looking confused.
"Because I'm with... because I'm with a man," said Garak.
"Is that... a bad thing, on Cardassia?" asked Julian.
"A horrible thing," Garak confirmed, wiping his eyes. "On Cardassia, it's a crime for a man to be with another man. And even without the laws, it's... shameful. It's weak. My father said it was... disgusting." He had stopped crying mostly now. "That I'm disgusting."
"You're not disgusting, Elim," said Julian. He sat back. "On Earth, it's not considered a bad thing for a man to be with another man, or a woman to be with another woman."
"Not on Cardassia," said Garak.
"It used to be a bad thing," said Julian. "Many people were killed for it, either by the government or by the people. But now we think more progressively. People are allowed to be themselves."
"Not on Cardassia," Garak said again.
"We're not on Cardassia, Elim," said Julian. "You're on Deep Space Nine. With me. And everything's going to be all right." He paused. "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I set you off."
"You didn't mean to!" said Garak. "It's not your fault. I just..." He took in a deep breath. "I feel so dirty. Whenever I kiss you, I hear my father telling me how disgusting I am for being the way I am. Whenever I touch you, I feel... wrong." He bit his lip. "But... I don't want to stop," he said. "You're... we're together. I don't want to stop being with you, I just want to stop feeling this way."
"You've felt this way for so long," said Julian. "It'll take time not to feel so wrong." He leaned forward and kissed Garak on the forehead. "You're not disgusting, Elim. You're amazing. You're beautiful."
"But my father-" began Garak.
"I don't care what your father said," said Julian. "Everything's going to be okay, Elim. I promise." He scooted over on the bed and wrapped his arms around Garak. "See? Everything's going to be fine. I've got you."