You said I'm always sayin' sorry for the same old things. I'm sorry for the drugs and how much I drank. You said I say so much it doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry my love, but I had to leave.
-Hinder "Far From Home"
He was back.
Maria watched him sit down, smiling happily, as if he didn't remember - or even know - what was upsetting her. His smugness, his apathy, the fact that he kept coming into the diner that she worked at, (God knows how he found out) it was driving her nuts. That, and the fact that her co-worker flirted with him every chance she got.
But not today, at least. She had called in sick that morning. Maria guessed that she'd screwed up her nail polish or her hair and had decided to spend the day fixing it.
The redhead took a deep breath and ignored him, doing her absolute best not to break down in front in front of everyone. She was not serving him. Definitely not. Because if she did, that would mean he'd try to talk to her. And if he tried to talk to her, she'd have to talk back, and her self control wasn't very strong at all.
"Maria!"
Maria turned to see her supervisor, Antonio. She nodded.
"Table four?" he asked.
Her heart sank. "That's...that's not my station."
"Courtney's busy," he demanded.
Maria bit her lip and glanced down at the small tattoo on the inside of her right wrist. Etched in black ink was one word.
Jeff.
Jeff could remember what it felt like that day that he officially left Maria. A number of emotions popped into his head but the one that had stuck in his memory the most was the emptiness. Maria had been like his oxygen, his breath of life. And when he'd left, the majority of himself was missing. He couldn't get that part back - unless he got Maria back, which he couldn't do because he'd left to protect her.
Drugs. Addiction. Pain. Release that should have came but never did. These were the things that led to his leaving. He regretted it, yes. But then, if he hadn't of left her, she might have left him.
And there was just no way he could have handled that.
So, he'd taken what little things he had and had left her with a note that had plainly said: I can't do this anymore, Maria. I'm sorry. He didn't know what her reaction was, since he hadn't seen her since the morning he left. He'd found out that she worked at this diner - through Facebook of all things and had just now gotten the confidence to approach her.
Actually, that wasn't true. This was the fifth day that week he'd come into the diner to see her. Each time, someone else had waited on him and Maria hadn't even looked at him. She acted like she didn't give two shits about him. He wouldn't blame her if she didn't.
It had been his idea to move to New York in the first place. Both of them being artists, it had seemed like a good plan. And it was - at first. Then, Jeff fell into a dark period, one that he couldn't seem to fix. That's how he found drugs.
And that's how he left Maria.
You keep calling and complaining that I just don't care. Would you say that if I was there? It's that picture you keep painting that's causing your tears. I could set you straight if you were here...
Maria pursed her lips, took a deep breath, and pushed a piece of her red hair behind her ear. She straightened her apron and began to drag her feet toward table four, where her rainbow-haired ex-boyfriend stood. When she reached his table, she narrowed her eyes to the floor where she couldn't see him. "What can I get you?"
"A second chance," he replied.
Maria sighed. "Not here. No. Don't even. Just order or leave. This is my workplace, Je-...," she trailed off, unable to say his name.
"I know," he said, swallowing, "I just...I just wanted to apologize."
"Apologize?!" Maria snapped, no longer caring that this was, indeed, her workplace.
Jeff lowered his eyes, ashamed. Yet, he knew that he deserved every bit of it.
"Oh, for what Jeff? For begging me to move to New York City with you and then just leaving me there alone? With absolutely no explanation?!"
Suddenly, Maria was interrupted by her name being called. "Maria!"
She turned, seeing Antonio griping at her again. She rolled her eyes. "Yes?"
"Do you need to speak with this man?" he asked, concerned. For once, he was concerned for someone other than himself.
Maria went to shake her head no, but ended up nodding yes. She hated Jeff, absolutely despised him...but as much as she hated to admit it, too, she loved him. There's a very, very thin line between love and hate.
"Take as much time as you need," he said, "I won't expect you back. We're not busy, anyway."
"Thank you," she mouthed before turning back to Jeff.
He stood up, obviously preparing himself to leave.
"You've got five minutes," Maria sighed, "come with me."
Jeff nodded, putting on his coat as Maria grabbed her purse and slid her coat on.
"Where can we go?" Jeff asked.
Maria didn't know. This was a small town where she knew just about everyone and vice versa. Just about everyone knew that she was engaged, as well. And not to Jeff.
Finally Maria said, "My apartment."
Surreptitiously, Maria led Jeff up the stairs to her apartment. No one, no one could know that another man was in her apartment, regardless of the fact that he wasn't her lover, not even a friend, and she wasn't planning on doing anything but talking to him. The fact was, peopled talked.
Jeff scanned the apartment. Instantly, it felt wrong. This obviously wasn't Maria's taste, as she was more creative. She liked bright colors and loud patterns. Her living room was designed in blacks and whites and grays, neutral colors. It was so...bland, so not Maria. Then again, he hadn't seen her in over a year...but could interests change so quickly?
Jeff glanced over to her coffee table, which was clear and glass, and noticed a picture of Maria and a blond man with their arms around each other. They were both smiling, but Maria's was obviously extremely forced. Impulsively, Jeff reached over and picked up the picture. "This him?"
Maria glared at Jeff, mostly in an effort to keep from crying. She snatched the frame away from him and said, "yes, his name is Dolph."
Jeff watched as Maria pressed the frame against her chest. Her eyelids fell and she stared at the linoleum of her floor. "Dolph," he repeated.
Maria snapped out of it and sat the picture back down on the coffee table. "Yes, Dolph."
Jeff raised an eyebrow at her. "You don't love him."
The curves of Maria's mouth flipped downward into a sad frown. "You don't know that."
Jeff took a step toward her. "Sure I do. No one in the world knows you like I do."
She swallowed, knowing it was true. It was time to change the subject. "Why are you here? What do you want? Why are you bothering me?"
Jeff bit his lip. "I...I mostly want to apologize. You have no idea how much I regret leaving...," he trailed off.
Maria could feel tears start to form behind her eyes. She could not cry. Not for Jeff. She cried enough for him already. "For what, Jeff? For leaving me when I needed you the most? For leaving when I thought we were solid? For leaving when you needed me the most? Or for something else?" She folded her arms.
Jeff looked down in shame. He knew that everything Maria was saying was true. He sighed. "Yeah, for all of that."
She shrugged. "Why bother?' Her arms remained crossed.
Jeff gave her a puzzled look.
"Why bother if all you're gonna do is leave and go right back to what you were doing?" Maria snapped.
"Maria-"
"No," she interjected, "do you know how I found out about the cocaine? About the heroin?" she asked.
He shook his head slowly.
Maria blinked and Jeff noticed a tear work its way down her face. "From Jillian Hall. Jillian Hall! Jillian-fucking-Hall!"
Jeff lowered his eyes to the floor. Jillian Hall was a 'friend' of one of his dealers.
"She was so very happy to inform me of the nasty things she and you had done together. Oh, and you and other women, too...," she trailed off, "so excuse me for getting with one man, while you were out having sex with any woman that moved. So don't tell me what love is when you clearly don't know, either."
Jeff took a deep breath. "Maybe not. But Maria, I know I never stopped loving you. And I only left to protect you."
Maria flopped down onto her snow white couch. "Protect me?! Are you serious?" She put her face in her hands. "Jeff, you leaving just about killed me. I felt useless...," she trailed off, "hollow. I wondered what I did that made you hate me enough to leave me."
"I never hated you!" Jeff exclaimed, "I've never hated you, Maria, I left for your own good. I was a worthless son of a bitch who didn't deserve you. I had a bad problem." Gingerly, he sat down beside her.
Maria softened. "I know you did. But Jeff, I could've helped you. We could have gotten through that together."
"No, we couldn't have," Jeff retorted, "you would have gotten hurt-"
Maria threw her hands in the air. "I still got hurt! You protected yourself and no one else!"
Jeff stood up. "I guess that's it then, huh? I came here for absolutely nothing?"
Maria shrugged. "Guess so." She said the exact opposite of what she'd wanted to say.
Jeff glanced at the door. He didn't want to leave, not yet, at least. He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Maria. For leaving you, for not giving you an explanation, for the way you found out, for digging myself into a hole that I barely got out of. But I won't apologize for coming here. I won't apologize for loving you...still."
Maria tried to swallow the lump in her throat, blinking at the tears that still dared to cascade down her face. She leaned her head back against the couch and shut her eyes, letting the tears fall.
Jeff knew that he had no right to comfort Maria, but soon enough, instinct took over, and he found himself walking to where Maria sat. Cautiously, he sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her.
She knew it wasn't right, but even with that said, Maria laid her head on his shoulder and kept weeping.
Jeff took a deep breath and pressed his lips to her ear. "It's not over, Ria."
Maria shut her eyes, her heart clenched at Jeff's old nickname for her. "I know," she whimpered.
It wasn't over. But it would never be the same. They would never be the same.
Maria swallowed and yanked herself away from Jeff, wiping at her eyes. "You should go, Dolph will be home soon."
He looked down at his feet and nodded. "I understand." He reached forward and put his hand on the doorknob.
Neither of them wanted Jeff to leave - that was obvious. Maria knew that it wasn't over, but she wasn't sure if they'd ever get back to what they once were.
"I still love you," Jeff whispered.
Maria nodded, stepping toward him and hugging him tight. "I still love you, too, Jeff." And then, she impetuously, she pressed her lips to his.
Most people describe kisses with fireworks, but for Maria, it was more like fire. Jeff was a burning, passionate feeling that warmed her from head to toe. Something she hadn't experienced for over a year. Dolph couldn't and wouldn't ever be able to make her feel that way.
Jeff pulled away and stared into her eyes. "What was that?"
Maria shrugged. "I've been wanting to do that for over a year."
Frequently, Maria woke up in the morning, still, reaching for Jeff. She was usually greeted with nothing but sheet or Dolph, neither of which was what she wanted. The bed wasn't warm, not like the one she and Jeff had shared in New York.
"I'll stay in town for the rest of the day," Jeff said, softly, "after that, I'll bow out and let you be...," he trailed off, "happy."
Maria blinked, but didn't reply.
"But you say the word and I'll be back. I'll come get you," he reached over and grabbed Maria's hand. "And I swear on my own life that I will never, ever leave you again. Never."
She nodded. "It's been tough...," she said, "It's okay here, but it's not home."
Jeff didn't understand, as he'd stayed in New York City while Maria had moved back home to Illinois.
"It wasn't home there without you, either," Jeff said, hand still on the doorknob.
Suddenly, Maria's Android beeped in her pocket. She slipped her hand into the pocket of her blue jeans. She had a text message from her fiancé. I'll be home soon.
She swallowed. "Dolph's gonna be home soon, Jeff."
He nodded, realizing that Maria had made her decision and it wasn't him. He reached over to hug her. "My number never changed," he whispered, "you can call me anytime, if you want to."
Maria sighed, her heart pounding. She watched sadly as Jeff turned the doorknob and left the apartment.
She had two options. She could stay in Chicago, trapped in relationship that she didn't want, remain working at a job she couldn't stand. Or, she could go back to New York City with the man she truly loved, and go back to doing what she loved.
She could go home, or she could stay far from home.
And it was a no brainer.
Maria ran out the door of her apartment, seeing Jeff enter the elevator.
"Jeff, wait!" she yelled, he peeked out, but was too late, as the elevator doors shut and took off.
"Damn it!" she exclaimed. The other elevator, of course, just happened to be out of service.
She took off toward the stairs and ran down the stairs. Why, oh why? Why did she have to live on the fifth floor? She took the stairs two at a time, dying to reach the outside before Jeff left.
Breathlessly, Maria looked around. Instantly, she wrapped her arms around herself in the bitter cold.
"Maria, what are you doing?"
Maria turned around and was face to face with her fiancé, Dolph. It was now or never.
He gave her a confused look.
"Dolph, I can't marry you. I'm sorry, you're a great guy, but I don't love you. Please don't hate me," Maria said quickly.
He smiled. "I was gonna tell you the same thing. Today, I ran to my ex-girlfriend, Nikki and well, I realized some stuff."
She nodded. "We'll talk later. I've really got to go!"
Dolph smiled and walked into the building. Suddenly, Maria spotted a head of rainbow-colored hair getting into a taxi.
"Jeff!" she cried.
He obviously didn't hear her as he got into the taxi, shut the door, and the yellow cab drove off.
Maria felt tears prick to her eyes. She knew that Jeff had said she could call him anytime, but for some reason, it truly felt like she'd lost him - for good this time. She fell to her knees on the concrete, tears falling from her eyes.
I lost him again.
Suddenly, someone came running toward her, dropping to his knees beside her. "Maria, what are you doing?"
Maria looked up to see Jeff looking down at her, concern in his eyes. "Jeff, I love you. I want to go to New York with you...please."
He grinned at her and helped her to her feet. He pulled her into a hug and kissed her quickly.
"I love you, too. Let's go home."