Is you.
The words played over and over in his head, no matter where he was. Punching the bag until his knuckles bled. When he slept or ate. He got distracted on a mission once and Izzy basically tore him apart.
He just couldn't get Magnus' words out of his head. He was holding him back. He was the reason. No 'It's not you, it's me' cliché. It was him. He caused Magnus to be distracted.
He was on the roof of the Institute, shivering at the cold. He didn't take a coat. He wanted to feel pain. No matter how many times he apologized or called, Magnus ignored him.
After the whole deal with Valentine was over, he thought he and Magnus could have tried again. He was wrong. He went to Magnus' loft and poured his heart out. How much he loved Magnus and how sorry he was and how he'd never lie to him again. Magnus just stared at him. Seconds ticked and Alec's heart began to sink before Magnus spoke.
His breath hitched as Magnus said his name and like last time, Magnus looked in pain.
"I-I-" he stuttered and Alec had this stirring urge to run. "I'm sorry, Alexander. I-"
"It's fine," Alec struggled out, cutting Magnus off. "I understand." And before Magnus could say anything more, Alec rushed down the hallway.
That night, he wanted to cry to Izzy but he felt pathetic and embarrassed that he was crying to his sister. He just went to his room and cried instead.
Magnus didn't want him were the words that ran over and over in his head until the next day when Izzy came to his room, telling him they had a mission, and that was how his life went.
Mission after mission. Hours in the training room and nothing from Magnus.
When he was seriously hurt, Alec refused Magnus' help and almost killed Izzy when Catarina came, telling him Magnus sent her.
"I'm sorry," Izzy said, walking after Alec.
"Why would you do that?" he shouted. "I asked you not to call Magnus."
"You were hurt and Magnus-"
It wasn't as serious as his sister thought. Nothing they couldn't have healed themselves but they were so used to having Magnus help them that it probably was a habit.
"I was fine."
He wasn't but it wasn't from the stab wound. The fact that Izzy called Magnus but he sent Catarina instead hurt the most.
He knew he fucked up. He spent the last month wondering if Magnus will ever forgive him and wondered why he lied.
Alec looked to the skyline. He loved the lights at night. Loved being up here. Since that night, he's been up here more than usual.
He wished his life was simple again. He hated following orders, and being the older brother and setting an example for Izzy and Jace when they were younger.
He realized that nothing worked out for him. When Magnus told him he should start doing things for himself, he didn't think he'd end up here. Broken-hearted and wondering why he was even here.
It crossed his mind at how easy it would be just to jump. To just end it. Izzy and Jace would be alright. Magnus wouldn't care and his parents wouldn't get it.
He'd never thought he'd be here. That his life would fall apart because of one mistake.
It hurt.
Last week, he went to Magnus' for help. Not his idea but Jace and Izzy begged him, thinking that even though they broke up, the warlock was more likely to talk to him. They were wrong. The warlock said he couldn't and shut the door in his face.
It was almost seven weeks since Valentine or was it? To be honest, after Magnus rejected him, time stilled and he didn't really keep track what day it was. Only when they were on missions and had cabinet meetings. Izzy sat in his spot a few times because he couldn't handle seeing Magnus.
He knew it was childish but he didn't care. Izzy owed him with the stunt she pulled with calling Magnus when he was hurt.
After one meeting, he broke down and admitted that Magnus didn't want him. That he tried and nothing. After that, she stopped pushing him to talk to Magnus.
He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. After the meeting, he waited until the room was empty and sure the Downworlders were gone. That Magnus was gone. He never stayed after and only talked to Alec when he was addressed.
Jumping was a common thought these days. It was getting tougher and tougher seeing Magnus and not being acknowledged unless he had to.
Izzy never told Alec about the looks they all gave her when they saw her instead of him. She was sure they knew why she was there instead and they pretended to believe that Alec had a meeting with their mom or representatives of the Clave. Well, Magnus maybe.
She stopped Magnus once and asked why he was ignoring her brother and all she got was that he wasn't ready. She took it as Magnus wasn't sure if he wanted Alec back. That was fine but he needed to tell Alec that, instead of icing her brother out.
She knew Alec fucked up. But he apologized. They stopped Valentine and Alec was beating himself up for the mistake. He put more time than before to try and get the Clave to compromise more with the Downworlders. He never said it but she was sure that Alec thought if he finally accomplished that, Magnus would forgive him.
He was killing himself. He barely slept and ate, and she could tell Magnus but after Catarina came that time, she thought her brother was right and Magnus didn't want to help them anymore.
She tried to get Jace to talk to Alec but he avoided them both by locking himself in his office.
She knew her brothers charged into fights without a care for their safety and right now Alec wasn't in the right mindset, and may actually get himself killed.
Alec pulled his phone out and sighed when he saw Jace's name flash over the screen. He had a busy day with meetings with the Clave and then the cabinet meeting. He was tired and wanted to be alone for more than an hour. But being the Head of the Institute, that wasn't a luxury he was allowed.
Before Alec could answer, Jace's voice rushed out.
"Izzy has been looking for you. There's a-"
He hung up. He didn't need to hear the rest. He knew the drill. It was the same as last week. Rouge vampires. Demon attracts. He knew how to handle this.
"We got this," Alec snapped when Jace said they had to ask Magnus.
It seemed that now he didn't want to see Magnus, his siblings have been asking for Magnus' help. He rejected him once but the previous ones, they tried to handle the attack without help. But this one, he didn't want to admit but they may need help.
"We'll ask Raj or Clary, but we don't need a warlock's help."
Jace and Izzy stared at their brother as if he lost it. He never liked Raj after the Shadowhunter made it clear that he didn't think Alec was right to run the Institute and the fact he'd rather ask the man for help over Magnus just showed how affected Alec was. Or Clary for that matter.
"Alec, you know that Magnus is the best choice and why the hell-"
"I said no, Jace. I make the decision and we are not-"
"Yes, we are. You aren't thinking clearly and-"
"Fine. Call him. I'm not doing it." He did that enough times.
Izzy just watched her brothers fight but she knew nothing was going to get through to Alec unless Magnus actually talked to him and that was going to happen after tonight. She was going to get Magnus to talk to Alec if she had to drag him here herself.
Alec left the room in a rush, ignoring Izzy's calls.
"We can't do this alone," Izzy gritted out. "We'll call Magnus on the way."
"Izzy, wait. I know we need help but-"
"I know he's hurting, Jace. I tried talking to him but he doesn't want to."
"I feel him. He hasn't been happy in over two months. I-I-" he paused, looking around for Alec. "Shit. We have to go."
The warehouse was dark and cold. It was too quiet. According to the information they received, there was a group of demons hiding out around here.
He was trained for this but he felt uneasy with the quiet. He slowly moved through the building, checking behind himself every few seconds. He didn't want help. He wanted to prove that he could do this without the warlock's help.
He halted when heard a door open. He turned around, looking around. "Jace? Izzy?"
The room fell quiet. He opened his mouth to call out again when pain filled him; he just cried out. His back felt like it was being ripped open.
He struggled to turn around, stilling when four demons were before him. His breath hitched. He knew at that moment that facing four demons alone was the stupidest thing he's ever done. No, falling in love and believing that he was enough for once was.
Jace bent over, clutched his side.
"Ja-"
"Alec," was all he gasped just as she took her phone out.
"Magnus, we need you."
The warlock was about to speak before the woman went on.
"It's Alec."
Magnus felt his blood run cold.
"Izzy, we have to hurry."
Magnus was talking but the Shadowhunter wasn't listening. She just told him where they were before hanging up.
Magnus just looked at his phone. He felt sick. What could have happened where Izzy asked instead of getting Alec to ask? He knew what they were up to when Alec came asking for his help.
Izzy and Jace rushed into the warehouse before they stopped. Alec was on the ground, bleeding and not moving, with two demons looming over him.
Jace hurried to Alec, stabbing the demons as Izzy dropped to her brother's side.
"Alec, wha-" she stopped when her brother let out a gurgle. He slowly opened his eyes. "It's okay, Alec. We called Magnus. He-"
"N-o-no," Alec said or he hoped he said. He couldn't feel anything. Everything was fuzzy and sounded far away. He just wanted to sleep. Izzy's hold on his hand was the only thing he was focusing but it wasn't enough. He knew nothing would help now.
As he laid there before his siblings arrived, he felt at peace. He was losing blood fast and he was feeling faint. But he wanted this. As many times he thought about ending it, tonight was going to be the night. How ironic was it that demons got to him first?
He knew if he were to survive this, Izzy would never let him out of her sight and Jace would go on every mission with him.
"You're going to be fine, Alec," Jace said, dropping to his knees, bloody and fighting not to cry. There was nothing they could do. They were too late. He was pissed that Alec ran ahead but they should have followed him right after. They were to blame.
"Just hang in there. Magnus is coming." But she was wondering what was taking his so long or maybe it wasn't as long she thought.
Alec was having trouble keeping his eyes open. Words weren't an option but he felt dread and hopefulness to see Magnus one last time. He saw him early tonight but he wanted a chance to see him before he died but he didn't want Magnus to see him like this.
"Where is—Alexander," Magnus' voice came through the quiet room, well cutting through Izzy's cries. He rushed over, dropping down by Alec's head. He ran his hand through the messy dark hair which was now matted in blood.
He looked at Alec, blood pouring out of his back and mouth. Izzy was kneeling in the blood, uncaring about her clothes. Jace was by her, looking helpless.
Alec struggled to look at Magnus. His eyes widened and he gave a weak smile which was more of a grimace.
"Y-ou-you ca-me," Alec struggled to say.
Magnus bit his lip, fighting back the tears. He looked to Izzy and then Jace who seemed to have the same unspoken question. He shook his head. There was nothing he could do. He got there too late. Two demons stopped him outside but even if that didn't happen, Alec had too many cuts and the venom was spread to where there was nothing any of them could do but watch Alec die.
"I'm sorry," he whispered but he wasn't sure who he was saying it too.
"M-ag-" Alec said, breaking the silence, clearly not hearing the warlock's words. "I-I'm s-so-sorr-"
Magnus put his fingers to his old lover's lips. "You don't have to apologize anymore."
"Y-you a-re j-ju-j-" he cut himself off. He didn't have the strength to continue talking but he needed Magnus to know that he was sorry and that Izzy knew how to run the meetings but he also needed to let Magnus know that he still loved him but the words weren't coming out. Only blood.
He looked panicked. He squeezed Izzy's had, knowing that he couldn't tell her how much he loved her. How much he loved Jace and how much he would miss them both.
Izzy just shushed him, stroking her brother's hair when he started gagging, trying to talk.
"Alexander-" he heard Magnus say but he sounded so far away. His eyes felt too heavy. "You are okay, darling. You can let go. We will be fine," Magnus continued saying, ignoring the break in his voice but he knew Alec was beyond hearing.
Even though Magnus hurt him, he was his first and only love, and just hearing his name one last time was all he wanted.
"Alec?" Izzy asked sounding sacred just as Jace let out a cry, holding his side.
Izzy went to Jace, fighting back tears when Jace lifted his shirt up. Magnus only looked at the man he loved. The body of the man he loved. There was so much blood but all Magnus could look at is how he messed up. He should have talked to Alec earlier. He should have talked to him when he came to the loft. He should have gone to Alec's office.
He knew the Shadowhunter was bending himself backwards and running himself into the ground trying to make it up to him and he kept pushing Alec away. He still loved Alexander but he just couldn't find the right words to say.
Raphael chewed him out after the meeting. He knew Magnus and Alec were hurting but Alec deserved his attention. He got it but he knew this wasn't what his Alexander wanted.
"I love you, Alexander," he whispered, still stroking the blood-soaked hair of the man he loved.