I really hope you guys like. There is a special guest appearance by a celebrity (if he can be considered that?) in this and the conclusion; also in the conclusion, a few GOT characters make cameos. This chapter was a fun one to write! Enjoy!
"You have to go to the store."
Jaime turned to look at Cersei as she entered the room. She was still in her nightgown, and her hair was a mess, but she looked beautiful. She always did. He could barely hide his disappointment at her request. She wanted him to go to the store? That wasn't at all what he had expected when she texted for him to meet her in the den this Easter morning. Why, his hand had already begun to unbutton his jeans when she had walked in. Dumbfounded all he could do was parrot back at her, "The store?"
"You know the grocery store. Where people go to get food and other supplies?"
"Why would I need to do that? We have enough food and toilet paper to last us months, if not years, remember?"
"We don't."
"Considering I'm the one who went on the eight-hour shopping expedition and bought a u-haul full of stuff I think we do."
"We don't."
"We do."
"We...arrgh why am I arguing with you like we're five again? Since I haven't been able to find a new personal shopper, I need you to go and pick up some herbs."
"Herbs? I bought plenty of herbs when I went! I bought powdered garlic, powdered onion, dried celery flakes and all sorts of things that should last months. They're in the kitchen pantry."
"Those won't do."
"Why in seven hells not?"
"My chef insists that the ingredients be fresh. You know how he gets when he doesn't have the ingredients he needs!"
Ah yes, her wretched chef, he was demanding and rude, and probably the only man other than their father that could put any fear into Cersei. Still, she put up with it all because his cooking was just that good. Jaime also strongly suspected that she rather enjoyed how poorly her chef treated the fellow kitchen and wait staff.
"Well, then perhaps you should fire Gordon and find a new cook," he replied back.
"Even if I wanted to do that, which I don't considering that he makes the best food I have ever tasted; I would never be able to find another cook on such short notice, especially with this coronavirus going around!"
"Have Taena do it all then?"
Taena was her maid, though since all of her kitchen staff except Gordon had quit due to the virus she had been also helping to prepare meals the past few weeks.
"Taena?! She's terrible! Even with Gordon supervising she can't seem to do anything right! The meal would taste as terrible as the storebought pies from Frey's if we let her do it all on her own!"
A loud bang was heard. "What was that?" Jaime asked, alarmed
"Probably Gordan. He must be having a meltdown over the thought of not being able to use fresh herbs on the roasted lamb."
"Fire him! You could finally put all those cooking classes father forced you to attend to use," Jaime remarked as they heard yelling coming from the kitchen.
"You attended just as many of those as I did. At least until we were ten or so. Perhaps you should cook our Easter meal," she replied back.
Jaime groaned, remembering the cooking classes she had convinced him to take in place of her. They had bored him to tears, though it had been worth it when he had seen her smile upon returning from the karate classes she had taken in his stead.
"I only attended those in your stead!"
"Don't worry. I don't have any desire to eat your cooking. I'm just trying to get you to see how ridiculous you're being."
"Well, surely considering the pandemic that has been going on he will be understanding that you can't get fresh ingredients."
Cersei looked at him doubtfully, "Have you met him?"
Jaime sighed, "Why does he have to be such a damned perfectionist! You should have hired a different chef. Hotpie is just as well known as a top chef, why couldn't you have hired him?"
"Hotpie? Hotpie?! Are you serious? He's too young and too fat. He would eat more than he cooked!"
"Well, anybody else then. There had to have been someone else you could have hired even if they weren't as famous or good!"
"I've told you before, I will not sacrifice taste! Besides that, Gordon is right to demand the best. He is cooking for the best family in the United Westeros so it only makes sense that everything should be top-notch. He needs fresh ingredients to stud the lamb. Otherwise, he says we may as well just let Myrcella bake it in her easy-bake oven because the end result would be the same!"
"Fine then. But why do I have to go? Can't you just send Gordon to Freys?"
"I can't"
"Why in seven hells not?" he asked.
"Because he should really be starting the desserts soon. Besides that, Frey's keeps its bakery items close to their fresh herbs. If he saw..."
Jaime cut in finishing for her, "Their atrocious baked goods he would have another heart attack." he paused for a second, "Well, how about sending him to Walmart then?"
"Walmart? Have you lost your freaking mind!? That's where poor people shop."
"Wholefoods than?"
"I refuse to put any more money in Jeff Benzos' pocket!"
"Since when have you cared about such matters?"
"Since last year when his net worth reached higher than the Lannister family fortune!"
"Well, surely you can send someone else to Freys?"
"No. Gordon and Taena are the only ones of my staff who haven't quit to return to their families amidst this cursed coronavirus."
"You could send Taena," he suggested.
"She was going to assist Gordan with his cooking, but I suppose I could do that."
Jaime breathed a sigh of relief, thankful he wouldn't have to venture out.
"You had best head to the kitchens now, then," she informed him.
"What?" he asked alarmed.
Cersei looked at him as though he were stupid, "Gordon needs somebody to help him make the desserts," she stated as if it were obvious.
A look of horror passed over Jaime's face, "That can surely wait until Taena is back from the grocers."
"It can't. We are already behind schedule. The pie and other desserts won't have the proper time to cool if he doesn't start them soon."
"Couldn't he just toss them in the fridge or freezer?" he asked.
"You want me to ask Gordon to cool hot food in the refrigerator? And you say I've gone mad. Now go head to the kitchens. Gordon will inform you of what needs to be done."
"I'd rather have my teeth pulled without any painkillers then work with that man again. When I helped him last week he told me that my breadsticks were so hard that they could be used as baseball bats for my terribly overcooked meatballs!"
"Then it looks like you'll be going shopping."
"Fine. Where am I going and what am I getting exactly? Should I go to a further away grocer? I believe Tumbleton county has fewer covid cases than ours."
"No. That won't matter."
"It might be safer."
"Safety won't matter."
"Safety won't matter? Are you out of your freaking mind? I don't want to catch COVID!"
"You'll be wearing a full suit for protection."
"A full suit?"
"Yes, a full suit. When you return you can just take off the suit on the lawn. We'll have Taena hose it down with soapy water later just to be safe."
"Don't you think a full suit is kinda overkill? I could just wear one of those masks that everyone else wears."
"Qyburn would have hooked us up with some masks! If only he hadn't been sent to prison. What bullcrap. Those men and women were all nobodies that no one misses. Their deaths helped advance modern medicine by leaps and bounds. Qyburn should have been given a medal! Nobody could ever replace him, but no, I've not managed to find any open-minded doctors to help me with things since Qyburns imprisonment," she remarked sadly.
"A homemade mask then. They shouldn't take too long to make."
"Those aren't effective. A suit is the only way."
Jaime sighed in defeat, "Fine. But where did you get a full suit from when you could not get a medical mask?" he asked curiously.
Cersei looked at him nervously, "Well, it's not exactly a medical suit."
"What is it then?"
"Does it matter? It's a suit and it will protect you from covid."
"I suppose not, though I'm rather curious now."
"I'll go get it."
"Wait," he stated, grabbing her. Before she could stop it, he pulled her in for a kiss. She couldn't help but kiss him back.
"Someone could walk in..." she stated, finally pulling away reluctantly.
"I don't care, I want you," he replied, pulling her back in.
"I'll pay my debt when you return," she teased, pulling away again.
"I'd rather take my payment up front. Or not upfront if you wanna try..."
Aghast at the suggestion, she slapped him and was about to shoot off an angry reply back, but then...
"Mommy?" She turned to look. In the doorway stood Tommen holding his stuffed cat.
"Tommen? What are you doing here?"
"Looking for some candy."
"Tommen! You've just had breakfast an hour ago!"
"I'm hungry mommy. And so is Sir Pounce. He's gone and eated the doggy's food again."
She smiled down at her youngest child, "I suppose You can have a snack. A snack! No candy. Come. Let's get you some cheese and crackers, and Ser Pounce some fancy feast," She paused and turned to Jaime, "I'll be back in a short bit with the suit."
She returned a short while later carrying a suit.
"What the fuck is that? It looks like something a goddamn furry would wear!" Jaime exclaimed.
"It's Robert's old easter bunny suit. His really old one from before he gained all that weight and ate himself to death."
"Very funny Cersei. Now bring out the real suit."
"This is the real suit. It's all we've got. It should protect you from covid."
"I'm not going out in public wearing an Easter bunny suit!"
Cersei looked at him sternly, "You will. You have to. Easter dinner will be ruined if you don't!"
"Why don't you just pay a neighbor to go?"
"A neighbor? Our closest neighbor is half a mile away! We don't have time for this. In the time you've been arguing with me you could have put the suit on."
"You had better make this worth my while when I get back."
"I will," she promised.
With that promise, he agreed. "I only have to wear the headpiece, right?"
"Ummmm, actually it's all one piece."
"Fuck. Well fine. But how do I get into this thing?"
"It has a zipper in the back."
Quickly she unzipped the suit, and held it in front of him, "Now just step in. Duck down and put your head through the hole first."
"This thing has been washed sometime recently, right?" he asked.
"I think so," she replied sounding unsure.
Reluctantly he ducked into the suit and inserted his head just as she instructed.
"Good, now just put your arms and legs in and I'll zip you up."
He positioned himself well and she proceeded to zip him up, "There. All done!"
He turned around to look at her and she couldn't help but laugh.
Ignoring his twin's amusement he moved around some. The head turned slightly, but he didn't have that much range.
"I can't see anything, except for what's right in front of me. I don't think this is very safe," he remarked.
"You'll be fine. Freys is pretty much a straight path south once you leave our house. Just don't make any detours and you'll be fine."
"Wait. How the fuck am I supposed to grab anything with a giant carrot stuck to one of my hands?"
"Uh, I suppose with your other hand? It's not as if you only have the one," she tried not to laugh more as she said it, but couldn't help herself. Jaime just looked so funny in the suit.
"Can't we cut these hands-off at least? Even the one without the carrot is a damn mitten! I can't drive one-handed with my left hand, let alone with it wearing a mitten!"
"It will help to protect you from COVID if your hands don't touch anything."
"I really can't drive this way. And how am I to properly examine the vegetables for bad spots one-handed with a mitten? Your chef certainly won't be too happy with my selections."
Cersei rolled her eyes, "Fine. I'll be right back with the scissors. At least only your hands will be exposed. You had better wash them as soon as you get back!"
Returning with scissors Cersei quickly unzipped the suit. Jaime removed his arms and she cut away.
"All done, Peter Cottontail!" she exclaimed, laughing.
Jaime eyed her annoyed. She had better make this worth it when he returned.
"So what am I getting exactly?" he asked as he put his arms back in the suit.
"You should go ask Gordon. I don't want to chance that I might forget something," she replied zipping the suit back up.
"Can't you ask him?" he questioned as he put his shoes on over the bunny feet.
"Could, but won't. Besides that, you have to pass by the kitchens to get to the garage anyway. Now get going."
"Alright. Fine."
She gave him a quick hug, "Remember, no pit stops and don't take off the suit under any circumstances."
He wanted a more proper goodbye but he couldn't even kiss her in this damned suit. So he just hugged her tight, promising to return with all the items Gordon wanted and then he was on his way. 'The Things I do for love' he thought as he headed to ask Gordon what items he needed.
I'm aware they probably might not exist a suit like that (without detachable head) or at least if they do they might be rare, but this made for a funnier story. What do you guys think of Gordon Ramsay as Cersei's chef? As always I love comments/feedback so please leave some :) I'll try to get the conclusion to this chapter out on Easter probably if not before!