Author Note: bits of ideas, might add more later. Don't have enough material to create a whole parody but this has been in my PC for years without anyone being able to read it, so I'm posting it anyway.
As Raccoon Anus City descends into further chaos, Jill scribbles a few notes in her diary: «September 28, daylight. Somehow I'm still alive... Survived another day eating Chef Boyardee Beefaroni...»
Meaning she had already built some antibodies to the virus. Good job.
Valentine was nearing the Police Station main doors when she heard a sound, turned around in time to see Brad run in through the front gate, with a gigantic pal on his heels. She dismissed Vicker's intense look of terror and smiled, «Hi, my name's Jill Valen-», his friend suddenly grabbed him for a warm embrace followed by a purple appendage shot right through Brad's mouth.
Jill frowned, «Well if that's how you shake hands, I want none of that...»
Turning another corner while running, Jill almost got obliterated along with the wall ahead of her as the giant Nemesis stepped out of it. She had rolled backward out of the way, now coughing on the dust as her persecutor turned her way to grant her with that large pristine smile of his. Oddly enough, he had come out nearby a Dentist neon sign hung up there in the small alley.
One step of his long leg and he was within reach, tried to seize the target from the floor but she rolled away again then was up her feet shooting him in the face. As she was dodging his attempt at a grasp, her brain had recorded that this sweet gentleman is left handed; ''thanks brain, that's gonna help into killing him.''
« S.T.A.R.S.», the Nemesis agreed, as if reading her mind.
She fired some more before dodging his attack, «Not tonight dude, sky's dead black: much like this whole city now. »
Another 2 minutes ensued where bullets were fired, Jill dodging or got smacked in the face, manly groans and ''urghh'' were heard, until the tall B.O.W. fell flat on his face for a nap. This time he dropped a bag of chips.
She popped it open, «Thanks for ensuring that my gastric juices don't turn on me next, so that an additional sweet-wrestling with you later can occur. »
Valentine was in a safe place, listening to the soft comforting tune within the room, all while suspiciously mixing ammo. She tried so many combinations, some even made of other kind of ingredients; like organic bits. The result was odd but precious as it turned out now her gun could shoot famished rats. They would come out, somehow, full-sized and lunged at her enemies to decimate them ferociously; so instead of doing the devouring, the enemies were devoured. To top it off then the rats would turn on themselves and consume each others, leaving bits of flesh and bones to remember the scene by.
A spectacle like no other indeed. «...woah...»
Wait until she can use this awesomeness on that Russian prick... Jill left the gory alley smiling.
A mutated dog that had been watching from afar with horrified round eyes, well more like due to its eyelids having rotted away; decided it'd be best to just leave town altogether.
As Valentine went about patrolling the fetid-reeking and gory streets littered with so much shit, she eventually came across one boutique that sells clothes. One of the mannequins in the window is what drew her attention since it was dressed in a sexy policeman uniform. «Interesting. Didn't know we had that kind of place here. »
The store was empty, except for a body slouched over the counter near the cash registry. She aimed and asked, «Sleeping on the job? »
Only the soft music kept being heard though. Approaching, she bashed the woman on the head , waited, but nothing happened. «...Death by boredom most likely. »
Leaving the fortunate employee to her dearest dreams, Jill went from one cubicle to another, however after eying the female clothes, she grimaced, «Like I'd dress in those get-ups.», then halted after seeing the uniform she used to wear at the Spencer Mansion, «Wait, why is that available in a boutique?! Goddamn cosplayers...!», and proceeded to steal it.
She decided it'd be best to change her attire, the ''clothes'' she's wearing now is all that was available at the time seeing all of her other garments had either been destroyed by putrid bodily fluids of all kinds, half-burnt or tore into pieces by avid brain dead fuckers. Also it was hard to concentrate on survival as one continuously wondered when one of her goddamn breast was going to poke out at some point, and this stupid skirt was too tight to allow optimal movement.
Despite some popular belief that this kind of outfit would render movement more convenient, ''like wearing nothing''; but no that's for pervert views. She undressed, at least tried to get out of that tight crap, while muttering, «If it's a so-called ''fact'' then why do men always fully dress in survival situations, armor and all; but women are always wearing close to nothing, plus their ''armor'' really aren't fucking armors at all. If it were true then I vote for all officers to wear that sexy suit I've seen in the window, pfff. »
At the Gas Station, Jill enters and sees an untouched hot-dog on the table, ketchup and all just waiting for someone to complete the ritual. She's just about to when Carlos sprints through the door and hastily shuts it behind him. Then one glance at the room for safety and he freezes staring, just like Jill whose right hand is left suspended near the food.
A neon above the table flickers and dies.
However what is heard next isn't any verbalization but the distant sweet choir of mutated freaks nearing their position. Jill's face shifts from food-time-pleasure to a somber one, «...That's quite a crowd you've invited... »
«Shit, they must have smelled the hot-dog! », now having ''successfully'' put the blame on something else, he stared outside. «I'll go feed 'em something else! », and he exited to play hero now that she was watching and since he couldn't run away any longer.
Unfazed, she squeezed ketchup on the food and shoved it all in her mouth, then followed outside. Despite the early hints at a large crowd of infected closing in, seems that it was already all over plus there weren't any bodies in sight. Weird, she did hear Carlos fire many bullets while screaming crazily...
She looked down and found him seated there, napping. Or was he. Valentine bent over to gather ammo, making her knees and legs warp in an odd manner somehow, making them look as if they were broken.
As she groped him, Carlos came to, «...What's wrong with your legs...?», then realizes she'd been taking his ammo, «Wait, what are you doing?»
They stare as the woman slowly puts it back, «Thought you were dead, it's that olive skin tone of yours, makes you look like one of them. »
He still doesn't blink, «...You hoped I was dead, didn't you. »
«...Yeah. »
A distant crow croaked.
After dismissing all the crap Nikolai had to say, Jill then nears Mikhail and looks him over, «That's a lot of strawberry jam, you could have shared. Damn cold-hearted Russian.»
Mikhail's lids sprung open as if she had poked him in his injury, «In Russia, you don't eat the strawberry; it eats you.»
Her eyes ignited, «One more Russian joke and a lot more jam will spill, I'm not fucking kidding. Test me.»
Have had enough of that shit from YT already. It's like everyone has to perpetually make the same jokes, similar to being shitty clones of each others... much like zombies.
Valentine and Carlos has made it to the clock tower. At some point Jill finds him standing in a dining room, and as she suppresses flashbacks of that time with Burton, she thinks to herself ''hope he doesn't go into brain-damaged mode like Barry...''
She nears the mercenary, whom seems to have found a Playstation laying in a corner, he stares at the power button and says to her, «If we're gonna die then we should get to choose when it happens. »
Out of nowhere, Valentine slaps him. Jill's slap is like a thousand upper-cuts at once; imagine what her upper-cuts are like…
Ungluing his face from the nearby wall, «OW! You almost unscrewed my head!»
«Did that also unscrewed your balls? »
He removed a portion tapestry stuck to his skin, «No. »
«You'd want to put an end to this awesome party? If you want to quit then do so but don't ruin my fun. »
Carlos frowned further, «Mierda, I told you the ladies go loca for my accent; you obviously lost it from all this time hearing my -», and one more slap knocked him unconscious, she left the delusional man there. Perhaps napping on the cold floor would cool him down a bit.
Carlos had survived happy trigger-time dodge-your-ass-out-of-this-mess parties with the Hunters at the hospital, also escaped with both legs intact from the blast; now he gave sleeping beauty a shot and then she woke up.
Probably because he had pricked her several times, unsuccessful into finding a goddamn vein; forcing her awake from all the unwanted painful probing rather than physical relief from the vaccine.
Carlos sighed, «Finally, been unconscious for three days; was starting to worry I'd have to eat you. You didn't hear that. »
Jill sat up, « Three days? What the hell have you occupied yourself with during all that time...!? »
«There's a puzzle up there with three clocks; finally solved it this morning. Thought it was driving me insane after the first day, but nope, I managed perfectly fine after all. », his right lid twitched.
She stared, «...»
«...yeah. Oh and Nikolai is still not dead, so is your dear mutated pal; seriously those tentacles scares the shit outta me, can't be sanitary. Also he is probably waiting to kill us in the next room-»
«What the fuck will it take for that Russian prick to die!? »
«...have you not heard what I just-»
She jumped on her feet, «Next time we cross path I'll set my precious rats on his ass. »
Carlos blinked as she left the room. «...whut... », then heard the manly S.T.A. followed by blissful laughter and many gunshots. She's not crazy, it's Carlos who isn't sane for not enjoying this party and Nemesis' presence.
Author Note: I have several RE3 parody videos on YT, (check out for additional games too): my user name is De Void and my RE3 parodies are:
RaccoonAnus City Fun (Joking, pt1 of 5)
Jill Extras 1- (Joking, pt1 of 3)
Zombies Entertainment (Joking, pt1 of 5)
Operation Mad Jackal, pt1 of 2- (Joking)
You can also check my channel, the games with multiple videos are kept under the same category thus easier to find.