Today was the day. She didn't need to mark it on the calendar, put it in her phone, or even try to remember. It was a day that was forever seared into her mind like a bad scar, yet this scar never stopped hurting.
Olivia felt her hips swaying as she walked into the precinct. Head held a little higher on purpose, a little more dominance in her walk. She had no idea if anyone else remembered the date. What today held. Cragen, maybe? Fin? It didn't matter. She remembered, and that's what mattered. Pretending her strength was for others made it easier, only she knew that it was for her. The masquerade made it easier to make it through the day without having to run into an interrogation room and bite down as hard as she could until maybe the tears would subside. Some days they did. Other days they didn't. Waterproof mascara had become her best friend. Coincidentally, that position was still open for new applicants and apparently L'Oreal's Lash Paradise Waterproof had filled the role.
She was drowning herself in mind numbing paperwork when she heard Cragen's door open. They had caught a case. Olivia looked up and made eye-contact with Nick Amaro. She had grown to like Nick. He was a good guy. He was good at his job. He checked the necessary boxes. Her hands were on her desk as she pushed up her chair when she heard him. Words that should not have been said on this day. She couldn't blame him, but it didn't make the words sting any less. It sounded so loud to her she could have sworn he yelled it so loud the whole precinct heard. "You ready partner?". Olivia started walking towards the door. All eye contact avoided except with her eyes burning on the exit. She couldn't look at anyone. They couldn't see them. The tears welling up. The pain that was nearly written across her forehead. God damn today.
As Olivia slammed the door of the patrol car she could nearly hear Cragen's voice all over again. She heard it in her dreams. When she was alone. When she was sleeping in the crib. "Elliot put his papers in."
Three years yet nothing had ever seemed so fresh.