I'm back! And I've brought this weird little idea with me! So I was thinking, what if Sephiroth told you the story of his life from start to finish? I've probably bitten off more than I can chew...We'll see. ENJOY!
Feelings I May Have Had
Chapter I: I Am Born
The Lifestream is an interesting place. As I wade through the souls lingering here, unable to lose their sense of self, I am confronted by images of a life that no longer exists. It was a life led by a boy who had dreams, then became the man who lived them. That man is me. Or perhaps "was" makes more sense. These images are of my life, my memories, the people whom I encountered whether once or many times.
I had already forgotten much of what I see. But as I watch the images play before me like a film reel, I find myself slowly remembering. I remember the people, the situations, the emotions I felt, though at this time I no longer feel much of anything. I am dead, mostly. I carry with me the only thing I felt before my death. And that is wrath.
I despise half the people I see, and only tolerate the rest. There were a few I may have loved in life, but I no longer know what love feels like. It's alien to me. I'm struggling to remember, just to understand why I'm doing the things I'm doing in these moving pictures.
Since one cannot see what I see, I will describe it. This might shock most people, but I was in fact a baby once. Inside the womb was warm and despite the fluid around me, breathing was no issue. I could have stayed in there, perhaps I should have. Perhaps I should have died there as well.
Throughout the time I stayed in there, I heard voices, felt the swaying of my mother's body, I was safe in there, until I grew too large to stay. I was evicted from my hiding place in the early hours of a humid morning. It began with the walls of the womb shuddering and tightening around me in short bursts with a few moments reprieve in between. The time between each contraction becoming shorter and shorter until they were almost indiscernible from one another. With each one, I felt my mother's muscles working frantically to make me leave. She was pushing me out, she no longer wanted me there, she wanted me gone.
The first thing I upon my slow and strenuous exit was a chill on my scalp, and I could hear my mother's screams. Through her cries she begged for something to dull the pain, but was refused time and time again.
"Why are you doing this to me?" She screamed desperately. I know not if it was the doctor and nurses she was yelling at, or if it was me. Was she angry at me? Was she making me go and crying at me because it was I who caused her so much grief? I could almost believe that's true.
One more push to pass my shoulders and I was finally free. The entire process took six hours, but it was done and I was wrapped in a warm receiving blanket. The room was cold, that terrible, sterile sort of cold that hospitals and laboratories are. The air smelled something like blood mixed with formaldehyde. Large masculine hands jostled me around, tugging the blanket around from my body.
"It's a boy, Professor," said the doctor with little enthusiasm.
"Of course it's a boy! I wouldn't waste my precious time or Jenova's precious cells on a girl!" Even before I knew that disgusting scientist, my stomach turned and at the sound of his nasally honk, I released my first breath and screamed out my displeasure at the entire situation.
That hideous creature snatched me from the doctor and I opened my eyes for the first time. I should have been lying safe and comfortable upon my mother's chest, but instead of looking up into a beautiful, comforting face, I came nose to nose with the monster that destroyed my life before it began. Even in his younger years, Hojo was an ugly and sickening excuse for a man. As a baby I still thought his breath stank of feces.
"My baby..." my mother's weak voice stabbed at my ears, "...Let me see my son...Let me hold him?"
I never got to see her. For the last nine months, I heard her voice, I felt her breath and her heartbeat, but I never saw her face, I never felt her embrace, never smelled her scent, nor tasted her milk...
Hojo turned his back on her and walked away with me in his arms. Her voice was thunder in my newborn ears as she cried out in a different kind of pain.
"Wait! Come back! Don't take him from me! That's my baby! Please!"
I wanted her to know I heard so I screamed louder. Hojo shook me to silence me, but I refused to let my mother think I did not hear her.
As we passed through door after door, her voice faded to nothing and she became not but a ghost.
Hojo brought me to another room. This one was quiet like death, white with lights much too bright for my newborn eyes. I wailed anew at the discomfort, little did I know that I would never truly feel comfortable or safe ever again.
I'm unsure now if I truly remember these things I see, or if I am merely drawing conclusions. It matters not though, I feel nothing when I see it, I can only assume at the things I may have felt at the time.
I was placed on a table where I was cleaned of the blood and mucus, diapered and swaddled by a pair of nurses dressed in white scrubs. I craved their attention, I needed to feel the heat of their bodies and the slow rise and fall of their chests. I wanted them to coo to me and massage my little bald head and tell me it would be alright.
I wanted them to lie.
Placing me in a clear plastic bassinet, I was wheeled into another room, here was where I was finally given the attention I so desperately needed. A woman hired special for this purpose, took me in her arms and fed me from her own breast. She wasn't much to look at, plain and unassuming, just the type of person that ShinRa would hire for their more insidious plots. The type of person that could just blend in and no one would suspect their true nature.
She finally calmed me. Her touch was gentle, her breathing steady, and her voice tender. I could have been safe with her had she not been about to give me back to Hojo as soon as she was done with me.
"Beautiful boy," she whispered. "Beautiful baby boy. My name is Lia. I'll be taking care of you for a while."
I wished that moment would last and the next several minutes flew by before I was ready. Before I knew it, Lia removed me from her breast and buttoned up her blouse. She patted my bottom for a few more moments before returning me to the nurses. Then she was gone.
But I knew instinctively that I must eat again, so she must return again.
"Bring it here," Hojo said. The nurses brought me to an exam table and unwrapped me.
Other scientists gathered around to see the intriguing specimen that I was.
"This, gentlemen, is an artificially created Ancient. We've successfully merged Jenova's cells with a human embryo. It will be impervious to most diseases, experience of pain will be dull compared to a normal human, it will have heightened senses, extraordinary intelligence, and be able to commune with the planet in ways only the Ancients could."
They laughed and slapped each other on the back. Congratulating each other because their little experiment worked.
"What about your wife, Professor? I'm sure she'll be keeping a close eye on his progress." One of the scientists said with a smile.
"She must be proud!" Another added.
"My wife is to know nothing," Hojo said, instantly silencing the group. "She is to have no progress reports, no data, and absolutely no contact! Is that understood? She is a wretched and vile creature and will only cause distractions for the subject."
"The subject, Sir? Surely you've allowed the child to have a name. He's only a baby after all."
"A name? Oh, of course, how careless of me," Hojo scoffed as he looked at me with a curl to his lip. He headed toward the open door of his office to a bookcase just inside. My infant eyes were blurry, but I assumed he knew what he was looking for. "Yes...well, I suppose we can call it Sephiroth."
"Sephiroth?"
"Yes, Sephiroth. It has a name now, are you satisfied?"
The scientists only nodded and by the way the energy in the room shifted from one of her mirth to something unsteady, I can only imagine that they were thinking how he could be so heartless.
But weren't they heartless too?