anonymous asked: Star wars AU, bragging competition. Like a chill night on the starship and they're all trying to outdo each other with stories.
Warnings: Alcohol, Drunkenness, Swearing
Characters: Chase Brody, Jackieboy Man, Jameson Jackson, Marvin the Magnificent, Dr. Schneeplestein, Septic Eye Sam
POV: Chase Brody
(( for their species in the AU: Chase=Bothan. Jackie=Chiss. Marvin=Cathar(Mandalorian). Jameson=Human(Cyborg). Schneep=Droid. Sam=Human(Mandalorian) ))
Chase had dropped off a pretty large shipment earlier, which left the cargo bay of his ship with plenty of room. With an empty crate acting as a makeshift table, they all sat around it, some with more distance between them than others. It had been Chase's idea, because of course it had been.
Jackie was looking at his drink skeptically (probably wondering if Chase had come by it legally or not) while Sam pouted at the fact Marvin wouldn't let them have any. …Which was funny considering that, while they were the youngest there, they were as much an adult as the rest of them. Jameson had waved off the offer, not wanting to remove his vocoder—vocabulator?—whatever it was; Chase had heard multiple names used for the things.
Chase might have been a little tipsy at that point and he could feel Schneep eyeing him. He was watching himself, though, and at least his astromech could pilot while he was unable.
"Anyway," the Bothan said as he threw a hand up, "that's how I accidentally pissed off a governor and got an assassin sent after me!"
Marvin made a noise akin to some sort of hissing laugh. "I think I've got more questions than I started with."
"Yeah…" Jackie took a testing sip of his drink as he leaned back against an empty pallet. "What was that part about getting stuck in the wrong vent again?"
"Doesn't matter—my time's up! Who can one-up that?" Chase pulled his best rendition of a grin that he could with a snout full of sharp teeth.
"Eh, I'll give it a shot." Marvin adjusted his legs and patted his helmet to make sure it was still resting at his thigh. "This was back when Sami was a teenager, but… Heh. You remember that Acklay?"
The younger Mandalorian immediately perked up and started grinning. "You told that story for weeks after!"
"Hey, that's where I earned my signet—'course I'd keep telling it!"
"Acklay…" Jackie rubbed at his chin. "You mean those freaky six-legged buggers that try to spear ya?"
Marvin grinned; his feline fangs were even sharper than Chase's and glinted in the light from overhead. "Oh, yeah. And those legs are sharp, dammit." He traced a line over his breastplate up to his shoulder and added, "Got a nasty scar here from it, and proud of it!"
"So what about the Acklay?" Schneep actually…tilted his head a little. God was he expressive for a droid.
"All right. Let's see if this one-ups Chase's ship-crash of an experience, huh?" He took a swig of his drink, then settled back comfortably. "I did a lot of our clan's supply runs—especially if it was into dangerous territory. I had to go to Felucia for some plant. Not a botanist, so don't remember what it was or what it was used for, but whatever. We needed it and that's all you need to know about that.
"So, I was searching for this plant, watching my back for dangerous fauna, and then I heard it." He gnashed his teeth together, making poor Sami jump at the noise. "It was above me, on one of the…root-things all over the place. Just watching me. And the thing was huge. I'd only seen them from a distance until that point, but one good strike would've speared one of its legs straight through me.
"When it shifted, the entire root creaked under it. It must've been waiting there long before I got there 'cause there was no way I wouldn't have heard it walk up there." He muttered something in Mando'a and chuckled to himself. "So I did what any impulsive Mandalorian would do and started shooting at it."
Jameson startled Chase—as well as some of the others by the looks of it—when he suddenly piped in. He hadn't expected the guy to actually listen enough to contribute. "Acklays have exoskeletons. A blaster such as you carry would do little."
Marvin frowned a little at Jameson, but at least he wasn't baring his teeth this time. For once? "Yeah. And I remembered that fact only when it lumbered off the damn root and nearly speared me under it.
"That was back before I got my jetpack, and carried a vibroblade instead of my electrostaff." He patted said weapon where it laid next to him. "So I was stuck on the ground with somethin' a whole lot faster than me, with more reach, and those fuckers are scary agile, too. I was alone with the only things I'd have a chance with being a few grenades and my blade."
Jackie arched a brow. "…You say that like 'a few' grenades are just a casual thing."
"Well, yeah. Mandalorians are usually armed to the teeth."
"Fangs," Chase corrected with a chuckle. "'Cause you're a Cathar, so you've got fangs."
Marvin just snorted. "Someone get him to bed—"
"—I'm not that drunk—!"
"—Anyway. So I've got this Acklay that's way bigger than me trying to knock me over, spear me, chomp me, whatever it can. It broke some of my straps, so I was left without a breastplate or right pauldron, lost one of my blasters, I'm dragging my sash in my hands since that got cut, too, and I really wanted to keep my grenades with me, all while I'm trying not to let this thing make a meal of me and it's screeching in my ear.
"So I'm trying to duck around plants and dive for areas it can't fit, but it just plows through or destroys them to leave me floundering for a new spot. I can see my ship, but this thing's driving me farther and farther from it, then I trip, and all I see is one of its legs poised to impale me. I roll, but it still catches me," he traces the line on his chest again, "so now I'm bleeding, can't move one arm, and this thing reaches down to chomp me, catches my other pauldron instead and pulls it off so I scramble to my feet.
"I'm covered in mud and pollen and my own blood, my visor's so filthy I can barely see. I pull a grenade off my sash and activate it, 'cause at that point I'm thinking I'm about to die and I'm desperate. So I throw the fucker, and the Acklay snatches it out of the air and swallows it.
"Boom. I watched the thing get blown apart, grabbed my stuff and the plant after looking around for it again, and beelined it for my ship."
Sam shook their head and grinned. "When he got back to camp he was a mess. He was dragging the armor that was pulled off by its straps and had his arm against his chest. His collar bone had been broken and he didn't even sling his arm! The medical droid scolded him so bad. And the first thing he does? Pull off his helmet, grin a huge grin, and give the plant to our leader all proud of himself!"
"Hey, I had a right to be proud!" Marvin turned to show the marks on his pauldron; sure enough, it was an Acklay head. "That's how I earned my signet!"
"…Damn." Chase shook his head. "I've heard those things can kill groups of trained soldiers if they're caught off guard."
"Impressive," Schneep agreed. "Very impressive!"
"So. Anyone wanna one-up that?" the Cathar challenged.
Jackie shook his head. "I thought I had a story. No way it tops that."
"Let's hear it anyway!" Chase said.
"Yes, please," the droid agreed.
"Eh. Well." He rubbed the back of his head. In the dimmed light of the cargo bay, it was almost eerie the way his red eyes glowed as he cast them around the room. "I was in my Y-Wing when Vader joined a battle?"
Chase choked on his drink and was left coughing for a solid thirty seconds. "You survived an encounter with him?!"
"I spotted his TIE from a distance, but it didn't really…register? that it looked a little different from the rest? Soon as my squad leader saw it, I swear I was gonna go deaf. She flipped. Out. Ordering the squad to retreat immediately. It was right about then that a star destroyer came outta hyperspace.
"We knew that was it. We didn't have a chance of winning that battle, so we fell back in the hopes of not losing multiple squads." Jackie frowned. "Half my squad was killed—all good men, friends—when Vader showed up. Pretty sure he's the one who got to 'em. I'd never been so terrified. Heh. And I never even got close to it—just saw it on the other side of the battle. Even now, I don't think anything's scared me so damn bad as seein' that one TIE.
"I wouldn't fly for days after that, and none of us would shut up about seeing it. We didn't win that battle, but surviving that sorta encounter at least deserves some bragging rights. Right?"
"Wow!" Sam leaned forward, hands on their knees. "I've only ever heard stories of him, but that sounds scary!" They were…grinning, as they said it. Of course they were, Chase thought with a chuckle. He swore those two Mandalorians were addicted to danger. Maybe he was a little, too, but hey.
"Okay, we've got a game goin' now," Jackie said. "Someone's gotta go next."
Schneep shuffled awkwardly, then offered, "I was stolen by pirates?"
"Hey, now." The Chiss frowned despite the story he'd just told. "We rescued you. Can't hold that over our heads forever."
"Oh, no, no!" He put up his hands, shook his head. "You saved me from the third time! But I've been stolen before."
"…Third time?"
"By pirates, yes."
"That implies you've been stolen by things other than pirates, too," Marvin muttered with a huffed laugh.
"Dude," Chase grinned, "you've got tell us about the first time. Or second—whichever's more interesting. Please?"
The arms set into Schneep's back for more fine-tuned work shifted and clattered and his eyes brightened a bit. Maybe he couldn't make facial expressions, but he had other ways of showing how he felt. It was frankly adorable how expressive he actually was.
"This happened during the Clone Wars. I was a Republic medical droid—"
"I…had forgotten how old you were," Jameson said.
Jackie scoffed. "You forgot something? You've got like. A literal computer attached to your head."
"It didn't seem like important information, so I disregarded it."
"Guys," Chase scolded, "don't interrupt him."
His extra arms fidgeted even as he tried to remain still. "I had been stationed at a small outpost to tend to the Clones there. It was too small and not well-defended—in a very bad location, as well. Very bad planning overall. That is what I was told. Pirates were able to overwhelm it.
"They took hostages, stole the droids and supplies, and fled back to their ship before reinforcements arrived." He put his hands on his hips like he was disappointed, but also chuckled. "They tried to short me out! But they shocked themselves instead—is very funny to remember. They cursed and jumped around while their little machine zipped and zapped. The astromechs they stole found it hilarious and would not stop chittering!"
Chase laughed. That seemed to make Schneep a little more confident—he wasn't used to talking so much about himself, it was clear, but the Bothan hoped he would start loosening up like this more often.
"The pirates were incompetent. They overwhelmed the outpost with sheer number and firepower, but I swear, far dumber than a battle droid. The Clones complimented one with insults—right to his face!—and he took it as genuine!
"They floundered around each other like the fish out of water! One accidentally released one of the Clones and the poor man was so confused that he just sat there waiting to be cuffed again, and another nearly shot his buddy while cleaning a blaster and having it go off. It was maddening! They wanted to sell us droids and ransom the Clones, but the truly frustrating part was watching them all be the idiots! I do not even think we were worried for our own well-being they were so nonsensical!"
Most of them were laughing, now. Even Jameson had his head tilted like he just couldn't make sense of pirates. One of the lights on his AJ^6 was even blinking very, very slowly.
"Dude." It took Chase a couple tries to actually get any proper words out through snickers, "I'm actually afraid of the answer, but… How badly did you embarrass them to get away?"
The droid cupped his hands over his face and laughed again. "The Clones tricked them into undoing their binds, but they were still locked in the cell. So the astromechs—they ambushed a pirate and stole the key from him!"
"Oh, god. Did they not know how freaking feisty mechs can be?! You don't tick them off—'specially not a group of 'em!"
"Apparently not! They zipped and zapped and pinched until they got the key and released the Clones, and then they took over the ship! The pirates were locked out of the cockpit and the mechs found us the nearest Republic fleet. We all had such a hard time believing it actually happened—and no one would believe us! They could not believe someone could possibly be that incompetent!"
Sami looked like they were having a hard time breathing they were laughing so hard, and both Jackie and Marvin had covered their faces.
"…I think Schneep wins for most entertaining story," Chase suggested. The others only nodded. "Unless Jameson..?"
"I have nothing interesting to tell."
"…Oh-kay. Our dear droid with the freakin' comedy gold of dumb pirate stories wins."
Schneep clasped his hands together, something in his chest chirping.