Summary: Trevor Belmont, monster hunter extraordinaire, last of his clan and hope for the human race just wanted to get hammered. With Sypha out of town he and Alucard have to fend for themselves for three days. Will they survive? Very M. All the swearing. Gore. Probably other crap. Maybe some sex if they don't die first. Nothing's off the table.
A/N: Ok I just let this one roll. Its gonna get weird. Its gonna get messy. It could end up with some sex in it but that's not the point here. This is action and monsters and someone's got a giant battle axe, and there will be booze. Spelling and grammatical errors are my own if I missed any.
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over Castlevania or any of its characters, but boy am I going to make good use of them.
~o~O~o~
The Reluctant Adventures of Trevor Belmont
Chapter One: Pass the Fucking Salt
Trevor Belmont was fucking wasted. He knew this, because he could barely feel his dick in his hand as he wavered, taking a piss that was hopefully not splashing on his boot. But if it was, what the hell. The world was going to shit anyway, who gave a fuck if he missed the mark.
He shook the last drops off and stuffed his dick back into his breeches. He fumbled with the laces but in the end gave up and left them hanging. Stumbling back towards the lights of the small town he blearily searched around, trying to remember which direction they left the wagon in.
Well fuck if he could remember, and everything looked the same right now anyway. He put an arm out, catching his balance and leaning against the side of a building. If he wasn't quite so drunk it might have been easier but then he'd have mental clarity and that was absolutely off the table. In fact if he had it his way he'd stay at least this drunk indefinitely and fuck whatever happened to the world. Dracula's hordes had already destroyed all the good booze anyway. All that was left was the run of the mill shit that tasted awful but hey it got you absolutely thrashed so he wasn't complaining.
He tried closing one eye, and that helped marginally. He was leaning against the stable. Ah, well that explained the pervasive smells of straw and animal shit. Well that was as good as anywhere, he could find the others after he slept it off for a few hours. Sypha wouldn't be back for at least three days, she had gone to meet up with a branch of Speakers who had not stayed with the main clan, and she wanted some time to wax poetic about how much they all missed each other and whatver-the-fuck before she rejoined them. And blondie was… oh who cares what he was doing. Last Trevor knew he'd been going over their supplies, which he was pretty sure was just a way for the anal neat freak to organize their few meager possessions in a bid to comfort himself about the fact that he had no social skills and would rather sit alone in the dark then have a fucking drink like a normal person. Whatever, it was his loss.
Trevor pushed the small side door of the stable open, squinting in the dimness. The only light filtered in through cracks in the walls and a small rectangular window at the back of the paddocks which held horses and the odd goat. He found what he was looking for without much difficulty. A pile of hay intended to feed the animals. He sidled around it to the back where he'd be less visible, and allowed himself to collapse onto it, nearly passing out right away. He knew when the room started spinning that he was going to hurl so he pushed himself off to the side and vomited into the corner, the taste of bile and shitty mead souring his mouth and nose. Awesome. He crawled away from the mess a few paces and let himself sink into the hay face first, closing his eyes. At least when he passed out he wouldn't dream, which was perfect. He really would rather not wake up screaming in the dark from nightmares about some shitty shit that happened long ago and couldn't be undone. No thoughts were good thoughts.
His respite didn't last, unfortunately. After long enough for him to get comfortable but not nearly long enough for the ground to level out and stop spinning Trevor was pulled from his blackout by a long-fingered hand grabbing his hair and jerking his head backwards. He reflexively tried to pull away but the hand had a good grip on his hair and all he could do was hurt himself yanking against it. He curled his hand around the first weapon he could find – in this case a puny dagger which he usually used for throwing – and twisted his body around to meet his attacker with a thrust of the dagger. His hair was released as Alucard stepped out of the way of his jab easily. He was pretty sure the snooty jerk was looking at him with something between condescension and disdain. Fucker.
"What the hell do you want," he asked, tucking the little knife back into its holster. At that moment he became aware of screams and crashing noises coming from outside. Oh Great. Monsters. His favourite.
Of course he wouldn't get a chance to rest. Of course it was just his luck that this would be the exact moment that the stupid fucking shit stain town would get attacked by night creatures. God forbid he could have one night to just get hammered and pass out like any man in the world would want to do after spending a month on the road, sober nearly the whole time, stuck playing hero because he was the only Belmont left to do it and fate had decided that he wasn't getting a night off no matter how much he deserved it.
Alucard gave him a second to get to his feet. That was appreciated because he had to try twice, evidently he was still pretty fuckin loaded and that meant this was going to be amazing fun. The vampire gave him a look like he'd stepped in a shit and drew his sword.
"The town is being attacked by night creatures. You might want to put your dick away before you head out there. Try not to get killed, Sypha would be upset. And hurry up, they are killing people."
Fancy fangs disappeared the second he finished talking, lucky bastard was blessed with superhuman speed on top of all the other benefits of being half monster. Trevor's hand flew to his crotch and sure enough his prick was hanging out of the unlaced fly of his breeches. There was hay sticking to it.
Good thing he had no dignity left to lose. He stuffed it back into place and did his best to tie things up so at least it wouldn't get bitten off.
He grabbed his whip and made for the door. He only got two steps before the horses all started screaming and stamping, the paddock doors groaning as they tried to break loose. The back wall suddenly exploded inwards and a huge winged monster smashed through it, Alucard only a moment behind. He moved so fast Trevor hardly got out of the way before the thing was impaled on his long sword. He drew the weapon upwards with a powerful force and the monster's head was sliced in half from the bottom up. Its brains exploded everywhere and it stilled. The vampire wasted no time, hopping gracefully off the creature's remains and darting back out the hole in the wall.
That was the perfect thing to give Trevor the adrenaline rush he needed to sober up and get fucking moving. He darted out the door leaving the terrified horses behind and was met with a scene he'd lived numerous times before. People were screaming and running in a panic while the horde descended on their tiny village and tore it and them to shreds. He immediately sprang to action, his whip striking the closest beast and wrapping around its throat. He jerked the weapon hard and split the creature's throat open in a spray of blood that covered everything in a red shower.
He released the whip and diverted the force into his next blow, stopping a creature with too many eyes and extra limbs from disemboweling a young woman who was holding her baby against her and crying in terror. The consecrated weapon burned through the devilish flesh in moments as he relieved it of one of its extra arms and threw a dagger at it. The little blade sank into the beast's eye socket, burying itself deep in the thing's brain. It sagged, its gangling arms all going limp as the thing fell over onto the woman, who was pinned under it. Ah well at least it was dead, she'd be alright.
Trevor had no time to help her because two wolf-like monsters with gleaming fangs had gotten too close for comfort and he needed to put some distance between them before they bit his fucking head off. He swung the whip with a twist of his body, striking at their legs, which he managed to entangle, sending them careening into one another. Unfortunately his weapon got twisted up badly enough that it was jerked out of his hand, leaving him holding air and running to get out of the way of the bigger one's sweeping claws as it tried to take him down. He drew another little dagger and hopped out of the way of the claws before they could spill his guts. He pinned the appendage to the ground with the dagger and drew his sword as the creature roared in agony and tried to yank itself free unsuccessfully before Trevor hacked its head clean off. He was covered in a dramatic spray of monster blood that got in his mouth and eyes and temporarily blinded him as he tried to wipe it free and simultaneously not get eaten by the fucker's buddy. His sword clashed with the second one's claws and he was thrown back. Where was his fucking whip? This was why he didn't like to fight in close quarters, it was way too easy to get eaten or stabbed or somehow carved up into tiny little ribbons that a monster would use to floss. Like they even flossed. Bad guys are notorious for poor oral hygiene.
A few more clashes between his sword and the asshole's claws and he finally managed to get past them and into its chest. He dug the blade unforgivably between its ribs until it spasmed and gurgled, foam bubbling from its toothy maw. Hah. Right in the lung. He twisted the sword inside the huge chest and ripped things up more until it fell dead. He retrieved his whip from the ground between the two corpses, coiling it around his arm and looking for the next enemy. Alucard was fighting what seemed to be the leader, the humanoid flying monster wore armor and appeared to be meeting the lightning attacks with increasing difficulty. Alucard was tireless, his speed so much that he appeared to teleport, though Trevor could track the movements that most humans would not be able to catch. His hair was flying out behind him as he leapt at the creature and met its attacks with his sword. It fought with a sickle shaped blade that easily deflected the longer weapon, catching the blows and diverting them away thanks to the curved shape. In the end it was no match for Alucard's skill, and the beast made a wrong move, trying to block as the vampire switched up his tactics and changed his attack to a direct upward jab. The sword sank deep into the thing's gut. Alucard wasted no time disemboweling the monster in midair. It dropped to the earth like a sack of potatoes. Vampire Jesus just floated in place for a second, taking stock of his work and the state of the overall battle.
They caught each other's eyes and realized rather quickly that even as skilled as they were the horde numbered too many for them to win like this. That's why it was called a damned horde; because there were a fuckton of them. They needed something bigger. They were outnumbered by hundreds to one and the villagers were not exactly helping. They needed salt if they were going to stand a chance, and ideally some holy water, but he'd take what he could get.
He developed a rough plan as fast as he could and raised his voice, calling to the villagers who were erratically running amok and generally baiting the monsters into chasing them. "Get into the church, its the strongest building you have, and get holy water and salt! Salt kills them! Salt will protect you!"
He yelled this as loud as he could over the screeching of monsters and the sound of Alucard's blade clanging against his next opponent's. He was now fighting separately from his sword. It fought a host of attackers while he bodily confronted another mass, the sword protecting his back as he slashed at the beasts with his claws. Trevor caught sight of him the moment he ripped a bat-creature's head off with his fangs, the sword shooting in a circle around him and pushing the rest of the mass back, slicing off a few limbs in the process. Well wasn't he just in his fucking element.
Trevor turned his focus to the terrified peasants, many of them children or women with infants. They were making a beeline for the church now. That was good. Keeping them all together would make it a bit easier to keep them safe. A single terrified individual was just a lure for these things. There was some measure of safety in numbers, at least. He twisted the whip, extending it to its full reach to stop another bat demon from catching up to one of the slower people. He struck it in the back, splitting its flesh down to the bone, but he wasn't able to stop it from catching a young boy in its claws. Fuck. The kid had no chance, it tore into him in moments, plunging wicked claws into the poor kids eye socket and crushing his head like a dropped melon. Trevor felt vomit working its way up but he forced it down, not wanting another kid to suffer the same horrible fate if he could prevent it. The next closest monster was less successful – he sliced the bastard's arm clean off with the consecrated whip's powerful strike and the group of peasants gained a bit of distance. Some were carrying sacks of salt, having the wherewithal to duck into their homes and get the one thing they had on hand that could protect their families. A woman turned with a violent scream and threw a fistful at the amputee demon. It fell to the dirt screeching in pain, smoke rising from its flesh where the substance burned it like acid. When she saw this reaction she hurled another fistfull at the horde with a similar result. It was great that they had the salt but she really needed to keep running to the church right now. A couple pinches of salt was going to do diddly squat if she got trampled to death throwing it.
Trevor watched the inevitable play out as she lost her footing trying to launch another attack and hit the ground, rolling with the sack and tripping up a few others who were running after her. What a fucking disaster. No less than four of the dog-monsters he'd seen before closed in on her as soon as she fell behind. Another peasant bent and ripped the sack from her hand, trying to save it as he fled into the church. Fucking savages. Trevor ran as fast as he could and sent his whip flying, this time aiming for the beast's eyes. He blinded two of them and launched a dagger at a third, hitting it in the temple and taking it down. The two blinded ones where going berserk with rage and pain and the unharmed one grabbed the woman by the foot with its teeth. She screamed and kicked it in the nose, stunning it just long enough that it dropped her and she shoved her last handful of salt into its mouth. It leaped back, tripping up a few of its comrades as it flailed and its head smoked and started to cave in. The sound was incredible. It was beautiful, the way it writhed and screamed as though it was channeling voice of Hell itself. Too bad the two blinded ones were still able to smell her. They closed in on her and clamped their jaws over her helpless body. She never stopped kicking and fighting, but there was just nothing she could do. They fucking ripped her in half, the disgusting sound of her vertebrae and ribs popping apart, her intestines spilling horribly over the dirt. Several of the other monsters stopped their pursuit and a frenzied battle over who got to eat her broke out.
Trevor couldn't risk trying to do anything, she was already gone and there were a lot more people who needed his help if they didn't want to share her fate. He took the barest moment to admire her bravery and then the moment after that to consider how fucked up it was that the only brave person in the bunch just got killed. The only way to ensure it wasn't in vain was to use the tiny advantage she'd created to help the others, so he booked it ahead of the horde, turning to face the mass of beasts on the stairs of the church while the peasants ran inside.
"Find a place to hide, surround yourselves with salt. Fucking MOVE IT!" He bellowed at the terrified women and children. Idiots really needed to move faster if they wanted to see the sun rise.
Sunrise.
That was their only chance. They had to hold them off until sunrise. Glancing at the eastern sky while he thrashed a gargoyle looking piece of shit with the whip he noted only a light gray colour, it was definitely not sunrise yet. He wrapped the whip around the gargoyle's horns and swung hard, picking the fucker up and using it like a mace to smash a bunch of its buddies on their asses. A bunch more surged in and took their places. Trevor noted that they were giving him a wide berth, but a bunch of the bat-monsters were going around and crawling up the sides of the church, their clawed wings digging into the stone as they scaled the walls and made for the roof. Shit. There was no chance, this battle was already lost. These people were all going to die.
A long slender sword launched through the air in that moment and speared three of the things like kebabs, throwing them off the roof. Trevor couldn't spare the time to watch but was relieved that Alucard was able to slow them down. The blonde had lost his shirt and was sporting a number of superficial scratches and bite marks, but he seemed to be going strong. He landed beside Trevor and the sword flew into has hand and immediately he became a flurry of attacks, the sound of the sword slicing through the air broken only when it carved up his enemies. The last Belmont wasted no time appreciating what a fucking killing machine Alucard was and focused on keeping the horde from progressing any further. The majority of them were being funneled up the church steps, thinned out by the narrow access which was flanked by stone on either side. Good, that made this shot in the dark shit show slightly less hopeless. But only slightly. The winged bat monsters and gargoyle things were closing in from above, swarming up the sides of the building, now scraping and hacking at the wooden roof to gain entry.
Trevor had his whip in one hand, sword in the other, trying in vain to just gain a fucking inch so he could push them back. There were just too many. They needed an edge. They needed a fucking miracle.
"We cant hold them!" he shouted above the din of screeching as he took a swipe to the arm, knocking his sword away with a rattle on the stones. Alucard was right there at his side, claws and blade flying. Trevor snapped the whip at the monster who'd struck him hoping he could get his weapon back but it was kicked out of his reach by a bird demon with a bare skull for a face and glowing black holes where its eyes should be. Trevor's blow struck the demon across the chest which immediately resulted in a spray of sharp feather-quills launching in all directions and – this part is fucking incredible – fucking exploded when they impacted something. He was blown backwards unexpectedly, his head cracking hard into the doors of the church.
He couldn't afford this moment of inaction, he needed to get up NOW. He scrambled for purchase, not sure which direction was up. Was he in one piece? He could still hear Alucard crushing it beside him, hopefully providing him enough cover to get back on his feet. He forced himself up, eyes still not working properly. Damnit he had to move. He was gonna die if he didn't. If he could find his way absolutely shitfaced through most of life then he could fuck-well get up right now and fight. He squeezed the whip in his hand and opened his eyes to the bleary world before him. Alucard was blocking him bodily, he could see him squaring off with the bird demon, who was matching him blow for blow. Trevor lashed out with the whip at the monsters to the side, letting Alucard take on the exploding feather shooter in favour of providing him a little cover while he regained his equilibrium.
There was a sharp hiss that Trevor didn't immediately recognize as coming from his ally but he saw the action as though it were in slow motion. Alucard went in for the attack and the bird demon evaded him and sent a volley of feather-missiles directly at him. The hiss was Alucard realizing that he'd fucked up, and it was immediately followed by a series of explosions beside his head that knocked him off his feet. Blondie sagged motionless, blood dripping from his ears, nose and mouth. Trevor reacted immediately, not willing to give in to these fuckers just yet. He slashed the whip in a semicircle, knocking the other monsters back and was again facing off with skull bird. He wracked his brain for some knowledge of what in fuck's name this thing was and how to kill it, but he'd never seen one like it in any of his family's books. Its body was covered in the feather missiles, and he'd had quite enough of those, thank you very much. He pulled his last throwing knife from its holster and launched it at the thing's eye socket in the hope that it may have a weak point. The knives were consecrated with salt and holy water, and thank fuck his aim was excellent because he hit the thing dead on and it released a horrible 'screee!' of pain that was suddenly cut off by its death. Or second death. Re-death. Whatever – all these assholes were already dead to start with. The thing fell over and stopped trying to kill him.
Too bad his only ally was now out cold. How long did it take Alucard to regenerate from an explosion at point blank beside his head? Hopefully not more than another thirty seconds because Trevor figured that was about as long as he could keep this up alone. The monsters had completely swarmed the church roof now and he could hear screams of terror inside as they began to break through the wood with their repeated blows. Shit. Shit. SHIT! He stood in front of the crumpled form bleeding from his head on the stones and grabbed for another throwing knife – only to remember that he was out. And he'd lost his sword. Ok, whip it was going to be. Not the greatest weapon when the enemy was basically on top of you, but at least it was better than nothing.
The press of demons and monsters coming up the steps suddenly grew less frenzied and parted, which seemed great but in reality was shitty because they parted to reveal a gigantic minotaur, a heavily muscled, eight foot tall humanoid monster with the head of a bull, wielding a fucking bad ass double-sided axe and the obligatory pair of curved horns. The thing stood on hooves and even had a gold ring in its nose, presumably because it was rebellious and didn't listen to its mother's good sense. Teenagers these days.
"Oh good," Trevor said flatly, eyes darting around him and taking in every possible option he could think of. That mostly involved picking which thing was going to kill him and how dead he'd be as a result. "Alucard! Now would be a fantastic time to wake the fuck up!" he shouted, giving his comrade a hard kick with his heel as he inched backwards towards the door. No answer. Perfect.
Trevor tightened his hands on the whip, snapping it taught between them.
"Okay you overgrown cowfucker, lets see what you got."
And without hesitation, the beast charged forward, battleaxe raised high.
Trevor knew he was going to die. He was absolutely certain. There was no way out of this one. He was caught between a rock and a hard place, enemies before him, enemies above him, useless peasants in the church behind him and his only ally passed out cold on the stones at his feet.
Everything happened so fast he could swear time had been going in slow motion until that exact moment. The minotaur screeched Hell's wrath and stampeded forward, the ground vibrating with the thunder of its hooves. The roof of the church finally gave way under the pressure of a hundred demons atop it, scrabbling and beating on the aged timbers until it burst under their weight like kindling. From the church's tower over the main door the huge iron bell suddenly rang out in a deafening clang, startling everyone present, Trevor included. A mass of salt exploded, or rather was ejected from the tower, raining down over the closest wave of monsters, sending them in a cacophony of screeching and roaring, but that was drowned out by the sound of a hundred monsters falling through the roof and the bell ringing as if it were the end of the fucking world.
The minotaur barreled forward, bearing down on Trevor with that fucking massive axe ready to swing as soon as it came into range. Amazingly he didn't immediately piss himself and stood at the ready, unmoved by the insanity unfolding around him, focused only on the bringer of death that was quickly closing the distance between them. He only got one shot. He couldn't kill this thing with a single shot, but he had to do something. Even if he died, Alucard had to live. Sypha was still out there, together maybe they had a chance to stop Dracula from destroying the entire human race, but only if Alucard lived. He was the key, not Trevor himself. Maybe all of it came down to this – protect the half-monster from the regular monsters and hope that was the answer – that or it was already too late and he never should have tried to have one night of fun in the first place. That would be just like fate, pig-fucker that it was. Make him pay with his life and his friend's lives (and a whole village of peasants) for wanting to just get absolutely shit-faced for one single night amongst all the death and misery that was his normal life.
With a battle scream that came from deep in his guts Trevor swung the whip with everything he had. The length of leather sailed through the air, time slowing to a crawl as he watched it, certain of his aim, certain that he could do this, certain he would die.
~o~O~o~
A/N: Well that was fun. I really enjoyed writing this and it just flew out on its own. All I had to do was invent a few new ways to use the word fuck. Usually I write so slow and agonize over every sentence but this time I just channeled my inner 15th century alcoholic monster hunter and here we are. I would really really appreciate some feedback. This is new territory for me. Thanks for reading!