DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN MASS EFFECT. THIS IS JUST FOR FUN.

EXTRACTING THE MASSIVE PHALLUS FROM URANUS

CHAPTER 1 - PTDS

"Good day, Commander shepard." Said Glyph in his usual polite manner as Shepard strode purposely into Liara's lab on the Normandy SR-4. As usual, Shepard ignored the AI and walked over to Liara who was working at a terminal.

"When are you going to get rid of that thing?" Said Shepard glaring at the hologram. "It's so irritating."

"Glyph is of great assistance in compiling and prioritising the data sent by my agents." Said Liara, still facing her monitor. "I cannot operate effectively as the Shadow Broker without him."

"Hmmff" Shepard scowled at Glyph. "I don't like him. I'm convinced he's spying me. He's following me everywhere, I'm sure of it."

"Can I be of assistance, Commander Shepard." Said Glyph in his cheery electronic voice.

Shepard glared at him a moment. Then she turned to Liara.

"Anyway, you wanted to see me, Liara?"

"Yes, I contacted you two hours ago." Liara turned to face Shepard."To give you information on the upcoming mission."

"Ah, yes. I was very...very...very busy with other important matters. But I'm here now. So fire away."

Liara hesitated a moment. "Before I brief you on the information I have gathered, I just wanted to ask how you are feeling. Some of the crew have expressed some concerns about your well-being. I just want to ensure that you are up to performing this mission."

"I'm feeling great, Liara." Shepard smiled."Raring to go and ready for action, as always"

"Mmm." Liara frowned. "It's a very important first contact mission that will require significant tact and diplomatic skill. If it goes wrong, it could lead to a diplomatic incident or even war."

"Well, that's perfect then." Smiled Shepard. "I am the queen of diplomacy. I am the great Commander Jane Shepard who united the species of the galaxy to defeat the Reapers. Who could be more appropriate than me?

"Mmm." Liara said, looking Shepard up and down with a concerned expression on her face. "May I speak frankly?"

"Of course, Liara." Said Shepard huskily, winking at her. "Any place, any time."

"Just like in the Normandy SR-1." Glyph chipped in cheerily.

Shepard glared at the AI with a scowl, while Liara's cheeks turned from blue to a bright shade of red.

"What I mean." Said liara, trying to regain her composure. "Is that your behaviour has been...er..somewhat erratic and out-of character since you destroyed the Reapers."

Shepard frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well, since they dug you out of that pile of rubble in London, you have been acting rather...strangely."

"How so?"

"Well, if I'm going to be frank, you seem to lack the ability to make rational decisions and prioritize?"

Shepard blinked twice and screwed up her face. "Really?"

Liara sighed. "I contacted you two hours ago to provide you important information on the upcoming mission. Normally, you would have come down right away to see me. But today you seemed to find more important things to do than prepare for the most significant First Contact event in decades."

Shepard shrugged. "Well, I had important comandery and private things to attend to."

Liara folded her arms and leaned back against the desk. "Like what, may I ask?"

"Well, I had to play with my hamster."

"Hmmmm."

"I had to reorganise the music play list in my cabin. It so badly needed refreshing."

"I see."

"I needed to feed the fish."

"That was a first." said Glyph cheerily.

"Shut it." Snapped Shepard, glaring at him.

"Uh-huh." Said Liara. "And what else?"

"I had to reorganise my wardrobe and play a little with my extensive collection of Star Ships."

"I see." Said Liara.

"And she tried out Legion's new sex-toy upgrade." Interjected Glyph.

Shepard glared at him again, while Liara looked down at her shoes looking somewhat embarrassed.

"See, I told you he is spying on me." Cried Shepard, pointing at him. "How could he have known that?"

"I read it in the log entry you submitted before you came down." Said Glyph.

"You couldn't have seen my log." Said Shepard. "It's an encrypted confidential document that I only sent a few minutes ago."

Liara sighed. "I am the Shadow Broker, Shepard. Glyph and I can obtain immediate access to all ship logs in the Alliance, including the Normandy. Even I read it."

"Ah. I see." Shepard glared at Glyph again. "But I still don't trust the little runt."

Shepard turned back to Liara. "But I don't see how any of this should concern you. So what's the problem?"

"Well, rather than spend time preparing for our upcoming critically important mission, you preferred to play with your hamster, play with your toy ships, play with your...er... toy robot, reorganise your wardrobe, feed your fish and refresh your music play-list. Do you really think all that was more important than the mission?"

"So?" Shepard shrugged. "I needed a little time to relax. That is preparing for the mission."

"That is not all." Said Liara." "Doctor Michel…"

"Oh, God." Shepard rolled her eyes. " Not this again."

"Doctor Michel says you are suffering from PTSD resulting from the Reaper war." Said Liara."This has resulted in some of your ...er...current mental health issues."

Shepard frowned. "What mental health issues?"

"Well..For example.."

"Yes?" Shepard folded her arms.

"Over confidence."

"Ha! I can assure you I am definitely not over-confident."

"Delusions of grandeur…."

"Ridiculous. The greatest heroine in the history of the galaxy could never suffer from that."

"Lack of judgement, failure to prioritise, obsession with trivialities, belittling others around you…"

"I think you're overreacting and being a little silly now, Liara."

"...addiction to with sex…"

Shepard giggled. "Well, ok. Maybe a little."

"Sexual harassment…"

"You never had a problem with that before, Liara." Said Shepard huskily, as she looked Liara up and down and winked at her while licking her lips.

"Ahem." Liara cleared her throat before continuing. "Er...and an inability to control your emotions..."

"..and chronic paranoia." Chipped in Glyph.

"Shut it you spying little shit!" Shepard screamed at Glyph, pointing to him with a shaking finger.

"It's clear that you are not thinking straight." Continued Liara. "Simply by the fact that.."

"Yes…?" Said Shepard, turning to Liara still red with rage.

"...you came down here wearing only your skimpy lingerie."

Shepard looked down at the light blue bra, panties and fishnet stockings she was wearing. "Do you not like it, Liara. You certainly liked it before."

Liara blushed again. "It's not appropriate, commander. And it shows a lack of judgement."

"Ha, but that's where you're wrong, Liara." Shepard smirked with satisfaction. "I knew how important your briefing was and hurried down to see you without changing. That shows my judgement and ability to prioritize is sound. Doesn't it?"

Liara put her hand over her face and shook her head in despair.

"Look, I'm fine, Liara. You don't need to worry about me." Said Shepard, patting Liara on ass. "Now enough of this PTSD nonsense and tell me about this critical mission and this funky new species I'm going to impress."

Liara shook her head and sighed with resignation. "Yes, commander."