"Josh, go see her. She obviously finds your egotism attractive for some reason, so you ought to take advantage of that fact and not ruin this. Take her out to dinner and apologize," I hear Donna instruct. I peer into Josh's office. Josh is sitting at his desk, his forehead wrinkled and his sleeves rolled up. Donna is sitting in the guest chair lecturing him.
I lean on the doorframe and listen. Neither of them notice me.
"I don't know, Donna, she seemed pretty pissed," Josh says doubtfully, forehead still wrinkled.
Donna snorts in disgust. "That's why you have to apologize, idiot. Trust me, if you do it right, everything will work out."
Josh raises an eyebrow. "And you are basing this on what? Your vast knowledge and experiences in the world of romance?"
"I am basing it on my vast knowledge and experience as a woman, Joshua," Donna says loftily. "Now go."
He sighs and gets up. He sees me. "Hey. What's up? You put the lid on yet?" he asks.
"Yup. Fifteen minutes ago," I reply.
"What can I do for you tonight, Claudia Jean?" he says.
I shake my head. "I'm actually here to see Donna," I tell him.
"What for?" Josh asks incredulously.
Donna glares at him and turns to me. "What's up?" she asks.
I shrug. "Nothing. I just wanted to know if you wanted to grab a cup of coffee and catch me up on the gossip."
"That sounds good," she says. She turns back to Josh. "You don't need me for anything, do you?"
He waves her off. "No, no. Go ahead."
She looks at him sternly. "Are you going to see her? She probably hasn't left yet. You should go see her before she takes off."
Josh sighs. "I'll go see her," he says resignedly.
Donna nods with satisfaction. "All right. See you later."
"Bye," says Josh, with a nod to us both.
I wait while Donna collects her coat and purse from her desk and we walk out together. We take her car over to a coffee house in Georgetown, chatting about the latest dirt in the West Wing. We get our mugs and settle into squashy armchairs by the window.
"So what's going on with Josh?" I ask curiously, since we are on the subject of gossip.
Donna waves her hand dismissively. "The usual. He said something stupid, and Amy's pissed at him."
"I didn't know they were back together," I say.
"Well, I don't know if Josh knows it either," she says.
"How does that work?" I want to know.
"Well, she likes him a lot, which confuses him. He is enamored of any strong-willed woman who expresses an interest in him, though, which frightens him. Thus, he acts like an idiot and stumbles around trying to figure out how to fix things without actually apologizing for anything. This happens with some regularity, so he rarely knows whether things are all over or about to start again," she explains.
"Sounds complicated."
"Yeah, well, it's Josh. What can you expect?" she says.
"Idiocy," I respond with conviction.
She nods. "Exactly."
"So how do you end up being the one giving him dating advice?" I ask.
She shrugs. "Somebody's gotta do it. I mean, you can't expect him to get far on his natural charm. He needs all the help he can get."
"I don't doubt it," I say. "It's just... I wouldn't have thought that you would be the one to smooth over the rough patches in Josh's love life."
She looks stung. "Well, I know I'm just his assistant, CJ, but he needs someone to help him out with this sort of thing."
"Oh no, Donna," I say quickly, mortified that she has misinterpreted my comment. "You're my friend, and Josh's friend. I would never imply... I don't think of you as just Josh's assistant. It's actually just the opposite."
Her brow furrows. "What do you mean?"
I hesitate. "Donna, are you in love with Josh?"
She pales, which I would not have believed possible with that fair skin of hers. "What?" she whispers.
"I'm sorry," I say quickly. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"Why would you say that?" she asks.
"Well, it's not exactly a secret," I tell her cautiously.
She goes even whiter. "It's not?"
I shake my head slowly. "Half the West Wing thinks you two are dating," I tell her gently.
"But I've never... we've never..." she stammers.
"You didn't have to," I tell her. "You two broadcast a vibe that's visible from a hundred yards off."
"We broadcast a vibe? What kind of vibe?"
"A vibe that says, 'this person in front of me is hotter than anyone I've ever met and me just talking to this person is better than any sex anyone who's watching will ever have.'"
She gasps. "You think that's what the vibe is saying?"
"The vibe also says, 'I will wait all night in a hospital for you to come out of surgery because I'm scared to death that I might lose you.' It says 'I will spend all the power in my being to nurse you back to health,' and 'I will drop everything to take you to the emergency room on Christmas Eve when you finally admit you were lying about cutting your hand on a glass,'" I say.
She buries her face in her hands. "Oh, God. CJ, why are you telling me this?"
"Because I don't understand why you're pushing him to be with Amy Gardner when you feel like this," I tell her.
She shrugs helplessly. "I just want him to be happy." She pauses. "Amy asked me if I was in love with Josh, too. I was stupid. I was trying to explain about why Josh doesn't leave people. I think she thought I was saying I understand him better than she does."
"Were you saying that?" I ask.
"No! I was just trying to help her out," she insists.
"But you do understand him better," I say. It is not a question.
She shrugs uncomfortably. "Yeah."
"So what's the problem?" I want to know.
"It's normal for someone young and inexperienced to be attracted to the power and authority represented by the figure of an employer, and she'll run around at his beck and call, deluding herself that the relationship means more than it does," she tells me. The words sound rehearsed. "Especially an incurable romantic who ties her self-esteem into her relationships with guys."
I snort. "Donna, that is absolutely untrue. When have you ever been at Josh's beck and call? You are smart, quick, and an incredibly valuable member of the Bartlet administration. In terms of the power thing, most people can tell after watching you two for about two minutes that if anyone has the upper hand in the relationship, it's you. You boss Josh around and he listens to you. Don't ever think you're less than him."
She nods. "I know. I'm not saying I think that about myself. That's just how he thinks of me."
"No, it's not," I say with conviction. "Josh is crazy about you."
Donna shakes her head. "I know Josh likes me. He's a good friend. But he gets so excited about women like Amy, Joey Lucas, and Mandy Hampton. He's turned on by women he thinks are smarter than him." She smiles weakly. "That's good news for the sisterhood, isn't it?"
"Donna, you're a member of the sisterhood, too. Don't count yourself out of that group you just mentioned," I say. "Why do you think nothing ever happened with those women?"
"Well, mostly it's because he doesn't understand the difference between fighting and arguing. He gets off on arguing, but fighting makes him miserable unless he wins. And Josh never can seem to win with women."
I raise my eyebrows. "He doesn't fight with you," I say pointedly. "You two seem to have a nice healthy banter thing going on."
She ducks her head. "Even if Josh and I have a certain... chemistry, nothing could ever really come of it," she says.
"Why not?"
"Well, I would think that as the press secretary, you would be the one to try to nip this in the bud if anything ever happened. I mean, can you imagine the headlines? 'Bartlet Deputy Chief of Staff Screws Blonde Assistant on Taxpayer's Dime,'" she says, imitating the deep voice of a television announcer, her face twisting in distaste. "Besides, politics is everything to Josh. I wouldn't want to be a liability in his career. Why aren't you telling me to stay away from Josh at all costs? Why aren't you arranging to have me fired, if you think I'm in love with him?"
"I'm not saying there isn't potential for a sticky situation with the press, but we could swing it. We'd just need to get someone to put the right spin on it. Think, 'Midwestern Cinderella Snags Prince of Politics.' Everyone loves a fairy tale," I tell her.
She snorts. "Watch out, or I'm going to tell Josh you called him the Prince of Politics," she warns.
"Don't you dare. But you see what I mean. The press is an obstacle, but not an insurmountable one. What's really important is that you are happy. Josh is like a brother to me, and I want the best for him."
Her eyes well up with tears. "Really? You think of him as a brother? CJ, you should tell him that. It would mean so much to him."
"Oh, I'm sure he knows," I say off-handedly.
She shakes her head fervently. "No, CJ, really. You should tell him. He's always felt like he's failed own his sister. It would be really good for him to hear you think of him like that."
I'm moved by her emotion. "Okay."
She calms down a bit. I look her in the eye. "See what I mean? I want Josh to have what's best for him."
She blushes. "Haven't you forgotten something? Don't you think Josh might want a say in this?"
"Donna, don't you think that vibe goes both ways? The vibe from Josh says, 'I am completely pathetic and make the lives of others a misery when my Donnatella is not near me.' It says, 'I'm so incredibly amazed that this smart, compassionate, not to mention beautiful woman actually spends her time with me. I actually don't really believe it and I'm terrified that one of these days that I'm going to screw it up and she'll come to her senses and quit and leave me.'"
She looks skeptical. "I don't know, CJ. Don't you think if he wanted to, he would have made a move by now?"
"Not necessarily. I don't think he knows how you feel. He sees you go off on dates with handsome Republicans and he panics. He thinks the only way he can keep you around is to manufacture projects for you to do after hours. Also, he's terrified about what would happen if he told you how he feels and it turned out you didn't feel the same way. Not only would he be saddled with crushing rejection, but probably a sexual harassment case that would end his political career. So, you see, it's a little easier for him to distract himself by convincing himself he's interested in Joey Lucas or Amy Gardner than to take a risk like that," I explain.
She groans. "CJ, I really don't understand why you're telling me this."
"You two are good together, and you're my friends. I want you to be happy," I shrug. "I honestly thought you two would have figured things out by now, although obviously I underestimated the extent of your cluelessness. Besides," I add, "I put money in the office pool that you and Josh would get together this month."
"There's an office pool?" she shrieks.
"Purely informal, long odds on end of term," I inform her.
She contemplates this for a moment. "Any chance I could get in on that?" she asks.
"Donna! That wouldn't really be fair, would it? You can influence the outcome of the bet," I tell her.
She raises an eyebrow at me. "So you're allowed to profit from my love life, but I'm not?" she demands.
"Good point," I acknowledge.
She grins. "Besides, you're trying to influence the outcome right now. I should be hurt that you have lured me out to coffee with you under false pretenses. You don't care about me, you're just manipulating me for your own nefarious purposes," she sighs dramatically.
"That's not true," I say weakly. "My actions were ninety-nine percent altruistic. I really did just want to have coffee with you. But since we happened to get on the topic and I do think you two should get together..."
"So, you'll put some money in for me?" she says gleefully.
I sigh. "Sure, why not?"
"CJ, a girl couldn't ask for a better partner in crime than you," she says.
"Right back at you, girl. So I guess I have the answer to my question, unless you're purely in this for the money. You are in love with Josh," I say.
She takes a deep breath, looking serious again. "Yes," she says wonderingly.
"Congratulations," I tell her.
"On what? I haven't done anything yet."
"You have just successfully exited the stages of denial."
She sighs. "I just hope Josh makes the transition as easily as I do. Otherwise, I am going to hold you responsible for supplying the massive quantities of chocolate necessary to support a broken-hearted Donnatella."
I squeeze her arm. "He will."
"Thanks, CJ."
"You bet. So what's your plan to make us rich women?"
xxx
The next day, Donna brings me a check. She looks terrified. She smiles weakly. "That's to make sure I don't chicken out."
I glance at the check and widen my eyes when I see the amount. "Damn. Yeah, I don't think you can really afford to chicken out now."
"Oh my God. What am I doing? CJ, give it back to me," she says in a panicked voice.
I pull the check closer to me. "Nope. This is my insurance now. I plan to win this bet. Trust me, Donna. This is going to be great for you."
She eyes the check, and I can tell she's plotting to steal it back. I ostentatiously fold it and put into my breast pocket. She sighs in defeat.
"How are you two lovely ladies doing today?" drawls Josh's voice from the doorway. Donna jumps about a foot out of her chair.
"Fine," I tell him cheerfully.
Donna flashes him a sickly smile. "I have to go. I have to do work. I have to go do work," she stammers, and beats a hasty retreat. Great. So much for that new dress I promised myself.
I watch him as he gazes after her. Jeez, he's pathetic. These two wonder why people think they are together? He looks back at me and his forehead wrinkles. "Is Donna okay? She's been acting weird all day."
I pause as I take stock of the situation. This could be an excellent opportunity to sow the seeds of passion, since my partner in crime seems to have turned a worrisome shade of yellow. Nothing like a little extra insurance.
The question is how to best get Josh into a frame of mind where he would be receptive to anything Donna might do. Or better yet, into a frame of mind where he was willing to initiate things with Donna. I'm pretty sure he's always receptive to anything Donna does, but the initiating thing might be a little tricky considering the fact that technically he's dating another woman.
Still, there's gotta be something that will push him over the edge of the event horizon here and shake him free of his inertia. Maybe if he's jealous he would finally get his butt in gear and let Donna know how he feels. I think back to Jack and Cliff and any other guy Donna's ever looked at. The problem with this plan is that while Josh certainly gets jealous, it doesn't seem to yield anything except Josh becoming alternately hostile and forlorn while plotting to sabotage Donna's potential relationships.
Maybe I should tell him Donna's in some kind of trouble. Josh has a protective side that can be very sweet.
Nah. A sweet natured Josh would just freak her out if nothing was wrong.
So maybe I should figure out a way to subtly let him know that Donna's jealous of his relationship with Amy. This might actually work, but it would also betray the sisterhood. Never expose the weakness of a member of the sisterhood. That's one of the cardinal rules. So: no jealous Josh, no sweet Josh, and no betraying the sisterhood in the interest of producing a gratified Josh. Hmm.
"Donna's not wearing any underwear," I blurt.
"WHAT?" Josh's eyebrows climb practically to his hairline.
"She's not wearing any underwear, and she's worried that someone's going to notice," I say smoothly.
"Why isn't she wearing any underwear?" Josh demands, his voice rising an octave at the end of the sentence.
"She was wearing string bikini underwear, and the string
snapped," I inform him.
"How?" Josh looks like he's about to have apoplexy.
Uh... "I'd better not say," I tell him.
"Why not?" he demands.
I raise my eyebrow at him. "Josh, don't you think it's a bad idea to express this level of interest in your assistant's lack of undergarments?"
"You're the one who brought it up," he accuses. "Why are you telling me this if she doesn't want anyone to know?"
I shrug. "I thought it was funny. Besides, you can't really tell, anyway."
"Don't tell anyone else," he snaps. Oh-kay. Looks like we got a bit of protective Josh when we were going for crazy with lust Josh.
He looks out my window and cranes his neck for a glimpse of Donna. Well, at least we got crazy with lust Josh as well.
"No problem," I say. "I won't tell anyone Donna isn't wearing any underwear."
I see his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. "Good. So, what did you need me for?" he asks distractedly.
I raise my eyebrow at him. "Josh, you came here. I thought you wanted to see me for something."
"Right. Well, I can't really think of anything, so I'll see you later," he says and practically bolts from the room, his eyes scanning the bullpen for a sign of his assistant.
Two hours later, Donna comes into my office with a dangerous gleam in her eye. "CJ, I need that check back."
"No way, chiquita."
She flexes her fingers. "CJ, if you don't give me that check, I'm going to have to hurt you."
I raise my eyebrow at her. "You think you can take me, farm girl?"
"I've got a lot of rage," she deadpans.
"You don't stand a chance," I tell her.
"Never underestimate an opponent with nothing to lose," she says tersely.
"What do you mean, nothing to lose? What's going on?" I ask.
"Josh is acting really strangely," she tells me. "He's completely on edge. He just yelled at a new intern I was talking to for wearing a tie with stripes."
I hide a smile. I guess jealous Josh came along with protective Josh and crazy with lust Josh. "I wouldn't worry about it," I say casually.
"That's not all. He keeps staring at me and talking to me in this squeaky voice," she says worriedly.
I have to laugh at this.
She looks at me suspiciously. "CJ?"
I wave my hand at her. "You've got nothing to worry about. You're in the game, girl. You own the game."
She narrows her eyes. "What do you mean?"
"I told Josh you aren't wearing any underwear," I announce proudly.
"You told him WHAT?" Donna screeches.
"I told him you were wearing string bikini underwear and the string snapped, so you aren't wearing any underwear," I reply calmly.
She pauses. "How would that even happen?" she wants to know.
I shrug. "I have no idea, but Josh practically had a fit when I wouldn't tell him how."
"He wanted to know how?" she looks dumbfounded. "Just how long were you conversing about my underwear?"
"I'd say about five minutes. The conversation probably would have lasted longer, but once Josh realized I wasn't going to give him any further details, he was out of here like a shot looking for you," I tell her.
She blinks, then lets out a muffled giggle. "This is actually quite funny."
This is what I like about Donna. She has a great sense of humor and she is incredibly resilient. Something can totally freak her out one minute and next thing you know you can practically see the gears turning in her mind as she plots to turn the situation to her advantage.
Josh stops by a couple of hours after that to tell me about a meeting he had with a senator from Ohio. Just as he's wrapping up, Donna walks by the window and winks at Josh as she passes. He swallows audibly and stares after her.
"So... how're things with Amy?" I ask evilly.
He jerks his gaze away from the window and looks at me guiltily. His shoulders slump. "I don't know," he admits.
"You don't know?" I prompt.
"It's just... I'm never really sure if I'm coming or going with her," he says. "I mean... I like her... It's just... I'm not really sure I like her."
"If you don't really like her, why are you going out with her?" I ask reasonably.
"Well, she's a very attractive woman, and she seems to like me," he says, sounding bemused. "Sometimes."
"Just because someone likes you doesn't mean you have to go out with her," I point out. "Why don't you go out with someone you like?"
"I like Amy," he says, but he glances out the window again.
"Uh-huh," I say, unconvinced. "Are you sure there isn't anyone else you might like better?" I ask, looking pointedly out the window.
He misses this hint because he's still staring out the window. "Well, there was someone else I was interested in for a while," he concedes.
This is progress. "What happened?"
He shrugs. "Nothing."
"Why not?" I ask exasperatedly.
"She wasn't really interested in me," he tells me.
I bite my tongue to keep from yelling 'Are you crazy?' and instead offer, "What makes you say that?"
He looks down at his shoes. "Well, she's always going out with these other guys."
"So she turned you down," I goad him.
"Well, not exactly," he hedges.
"You never asked her out, but you interpret her going out with other guys as a sign she didn't like you?" I ask disbelievingly.
"Well, if she liked me, why would she go out with other people?" he asks stubbornly.
"Because she might want to have children someday and can't afford to wait around forever for you to make a move," I tell him.
He pales. "You think she might have children with one of them?"
I sigh. "Josh. Is she married to any of these guys?"
"No."
"Does she still see any of these guys on a regular basis?" I say.
"I don't think so," he says.
"Then she probably won't be having kids anytime soon," I say soothingly. "But that's not a guarantee for the future if you don't get your act together." Something tells me Josh does not feel very soothed by that addition. "So you should let her know how you feel."
"I have," he says savagely.
My eyebrows raise. Has Donna been holding out on me? That doesn't make sense. Wait, this is Josh. My eyes narrow suspiciously. "What did you say, exactly?"
"I got her flowers. I always tell her how good she looks when she gets dressed up. I make stupid sex jokes," he says.
I make a vexed noise. "That's it?"
"I was feeling out the situation," he says defensively.
"And?"
"She got mad about the flowers, she smiles when I tell her how good she looks, but in a detached way, and she usually tells me to go away when I make stupid sex jokes."
"When you make stupid sex jokes, are you by any chance around a lot of other people?" I ask.
He shifts uncomfortably. "Maybe."
"So do you think she's just going to drop what she's doing and say 'Josh, do me now, you sexy beast?'" I say, rolling my eyes.
He pauses. "Well, that's the hope, but when you put it like that, it probably wouldn't be that appropriate."
"Okay, now, the smiling when you compliment her is a good sign, so you can't use that as evidence she doesn't like you."
"What about the detachment?" he challenges.
"She probably doesn't want to let you know how much she likes the compliments because she doesn't know how you feel," I tell him.
"That doesn't make any sense," he protests.
"Sure it does. She doesn't know if you're just being polite or if you really think she's beautiful. She doesn't want to swoon if you're just being polite," I say.
"Are women deliberately this confusing, or does it just come naturally?" he wonders.
I grin. "It just comes naturally. Not that I would expect a mere man like yourself to understand these things."
"Okay, what about the flowers?" he demands.
"I'm not sure," I admit. "Flowers are usually a good thing."
"She said she thought I was sending them to be mean," he says.
My eyes narrow again. "Were you sending them to be mean?"
"CJ, how would you send flowers to be mean?" he asks.
"I don't know, but if anyone could do it, it would be you."
"Well, I think she forgave me about the flowers, anyway," he muses.
"Oh, really? What did she say?" I want to know.
"She said I was better than her old boyfriend and that if I was in an accident, she wouldn't stop for red lights," he says.
"And this didn't indicate to you that she may be interested in you?" I ask incredulously.
"Well, I wasn't sure," he hedges.
"Has she ever said anything else like that?" I ask curiously.
"Well, one time I was in trouble and she was trying to make me feel better. She said if I needed anything, as long as I had health and strength, we could steal the rest," he says softly.
"Does she always make you feel better if you're in trouble?" I ask quietly.
"Yeah," he whispers. "She takes care of me."
"And yet, you've never actually said the words, 'I love you,'" I say.
"Yes, I have," he says defensively.
"You HAVE? What did she say?" Why didn't I know about this?
"Nothing."
"She said nothing?" I ask incredulously.
"Well, she may have been asleep at the time," Josh allows.
"You're pathetic," I inform him.
"How do I know she's not just taking care of me like a
sister, or something?" he asks.
"Josh, does she treat you the same way I treat you?" I ask.
He looks at me warily. "Not really."
"Then she's not treating you like a sister would," I tell him.
I swear to God his eyes glisten for a moment. "Do you mean that, Claudia Jean?" he asks gruffly.
He really can be sweet sometimes. Damn. Now I'm getting choked up. "Josh. Of course I do."
"Me, too," he says.
I laugh at him. "You too what?" I tease him.
"I think of you as a sister, too," Josh says softly.
"I know. And I've always wanted to be Aunt CJ, so why don't you go tell Donna how you feel?" I say, looking meaningfully towards the bullpen.
"Donna? Who said anything about Donna?" he laughs nervously.
I roll my eyes at him. "Josh, don't be cute. Who else would it be?"
"Um... someone else?"
"I don't think so. Go tell your assistant you're madly in love with her," I order.
He clears his throat nervously. "CJ," he whines. "You're the press secretary."
I widen my eyes. "I am? Is that why they told me I could hang out in this office and reporters are always annoying me?"
"Ha, ha," he grumbles.
"Seriously, Josh. Don't worry about that. I can handle it," I reassure him. "Now get out of here and tell her."
"CJ, do you have any reason to think she might be receptive to some sort of declaration that you're not telling me?" he asks hopefully.
"Sorry, Josh. Can't betray the sisterhood," I tell him cheerfully.
"'Cause it would really help me if I knew that," he says.
"Why would I care about that?" I ask innocently.
"Seriously, CJ. I'm not sure this is such a good idea. I mean, she keeps trying to get me to go out with other women," he says.
I pause, pretending to be thinking. "You're right. That's not really a good sign."
"CJ! There's no way that could be... misdirection, or something?" he wheedles.
"Only one way to find out, isn't there? Better ask her," I say cheerfully. "The sooner the better."
"Right. Well, I do have... a couple of things to do. Maybe later," he says.
"Sure, Josh. Now leave me alone. I have important work to do here," I tell him.
He sniffs and leaves.
Donna turns up a few minutes later. Her eyes are dilated. "CJ, I think you should start giving press conferences without any underwear on," she announces without preamble.
I look at her closely. "Are you kidding?"
"I am totally serious. This could be the edge women in politics have always needed!" she exclaims.
"You think seduction is the edge women in politics have always needed?" I ask incredulously. "Don't you think that's a step back rather than, you know, progress?"
She shakes her head. "No, seduction has nothing to do with it. I'm talking about knowing something that no one else does. The heady feeling of power. Men can feel it when you know something they don't, and it makes them uneasy. The fear weakens them, and then you go in for the kill!" she cries triumphantly.
"Donna, are you telling me you aren't wearing any underwear right now?" I ask.
"Damn straight," she tells me.
"And this doesn't make you feel uncomfortable?" I want to know.
"Nope," she replies. "Well, it did at first. But then I realized that no one had any idea that I wasn't wearing any underwear, and I relaxed. And then I started to feel like I was getting away with something, and I felt incredibly... powerful. Seriously, CJ, if you ran for President without any underwear with me as your campaign manager, we would win."
"Are you sure this isn't just in your mind?" I ask skeptically.
She looks straight into my eyes. "I just convinced Toby to ask Laura Hackenbush to speak at the convention next month," she tells me.
"WHAT?" I squawk. "I've been trying to get him to ask her for weeks!"
"Me, too. I'm telling you, it's the underwear," she says firmly.
I look at her. "Toby hates Laura Hackenbush. He thinks she's a feminazi without a clear grasp of the issues."
She nods. "I know. He told me he'd call her personally tomorrow morning. See what I mean?"
"Damn. So how's this working with Josh? Cause he knows you don't have any underwear on. Do you still have the power?" I want to know.
She snorts. "Of course I still have the power. But it's... different because he knows."
"How so?"
"Frankly? It's the biggest turn on I've ever experienced," she admits.
"Really," I say with interest.
"Oh yeah," she says fervently. "I mean, I can tell he's thinking about it and it's driving him crazy, and I can't believe I can do this to him, it's so simple, and then I think, I'm doing this to him and it's like the sexiest thing ever because I'm turned on because he's turned on and I want to turn him on and I want him to turn me on," she says.
"Well, please, just don't turn each other on in the West Wing. I'm willing to do a lot for you two, but my job would be a lot easier if you waited until you get home," I tell her.
"I'm not making any promises," she says and walks out. I squint, trying to look closely at her butt as she walks out, but I really can't tell that she isn't wearing underwear. But every male head in the bullpen turns as she walks past them, and they aren't even looking at her butt. I can see why. She's walking like she owns the freaking White House, for Pete's sake, and every one she passes seems to believe that she does, too. Hmm. I'll have to think about that press conference thing.
Just when I've convinced myself I should just go ahead and lose the underwear for the six o clock briefing, I have to rethink it because Donna returns looking dejected.
"I may have overestimated the power," she informs me.
"What happened now?" I ask.
"Josh went to see Amy this afternoon and he came back whistling," she says, her mouth twisting with distaste at the word.
"That doesn't necessarily mean anything," I say soothingly.
"When a man comes back from seeing his girlfriend looking that happy, it means something," Donna says darkly.
"Well, is he still staring at you and talking funny?" I ask.
"He's still staring at me, but the balance of power has shifted," she tells me.
"How?"
"He's gone into full flirtation mode," she says. "I no longer have all the power."
"What's full flirtation mode like?"
"Well, it can take two forms. Either we're talking about work, and the flirtation is entirely through body language, or he throws out innuendo and I respond. Usually, my role when he goes into full flirtation mode is to shoot him down so things don't get awkward. Maybe it's the underwear, or something, but I can't bring myself to shoot him down. I just keep goading him."
"Are things getting awkward?" I want to know.
She shivers. "No." She doesn't need to elaborate.
"Don't worry about Amy," I tell her. "Just keep doing what you're doing."
"Okay." Miraculously, she doesn't challenge me on this. Or not so miraculously, I think as she walks out. She's got that walk back.
Neither of them come to my office for a while, so after my final briefing I decide to be sneaky and try to see what they're up to. I see them walking down the hall and casually follow them, pretending to be absorbed in a file I'm carrying. Donna's still walking the walk, Josh has his hand at the small of her back, and their heads are bent slightly towards each other. I've said it before and I'll say it again. These two actually wonder why people think they're together?
I lean forward a little bit to try to catch what they're saying without getting any closer to them. They're reciting statistics to each other. I can't believe it. They are the only two people I know who can turn a conversation about tax reform into foreplay.
It's late, and the West Wing is mostly empty, so when they go into Josh's office, I'm able to spy on them from the doorway without attracting attention from any pesky interns. Josh and Donna helpfully leave the door slightly ajar so I can see what they're doing. Well, actually, they're too preoccupied with each other to notice that neither of them have shut the door, but the result is the same. I think to myself that if the press secretary gig doesn't work out I could have a future as a spy.
I lean forward eagerly when I see them facing each other while Donna reads to Josh from a file. This could be good. Their voices rise in pitch slightly, and I slump back, dejected. They're arguing. Here they are, with a perfect opportunity to win this bet for me, and they're ruining it by having a fight. Of all the stupid things to fight about. I scowl, irritated that my master spy skills are yielding nothing but a disagreement about tax reform.
Wait. Is it my imagination, or are they moving slightly towards each other as their voices get louder? They are. They are already standing incredibly close together. Donna's got one hand on her hip now, clutching the file with the other white-knuckled hand. Josh's hands are balled into fists at his side, and whenever he makes a point, he leans forward slightly, trying to gain the upper hand by emphasizing his superior physical size. I know this trick, as I use it often myself. Donna, good girl that she is, refuses to be intimidated by this tactic and stares him down after she makes her own point, even leaning slightly forward herself. Finally, after Donna makes one particularly good point, Josh lunges forward and grabs the file, flinging it to the side as he grabs Donna by the waist and pulls her toward him. She grabs the lapels of his jacket and pulls him forward at the same time, and their mouths collide in a ferocious kiss. They begin to neck vigorously and I bite my tongue to keep myself from yelling in triumph.
I pull the door all the way closed so I can revel in this moment. Master spies are not peeping toms, after all. Besides, I don't want them to see my victory dance. I punch the air in jubilation and do a little two-step.
Unfortunately, my glory is rudely interrupted in the middle of a little undignified ass wiggling by a low voice in my ear.
"What are you doing?" Toby asks me suspiciously.
"Nothing," I tell him, smiling mysteriously. I am so collecting on this bet. And I'm going to do it without any underwear on, too.