The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a blind box. I just thought of a fun weird way the gang could earn more money. Think about it. It's possible.
My Little Piggly
"How's it going, Lana?" Ray asked as he sat down in the bullpen with some coffee.
"Not bad," Lana sighed as she looked up from her coffee. "I only wondered where the hell my life went wrong only once this morning."
"That is a step up," Ray nodded. "I've been worrying a lot less since we're getting a semi-steady paycheck."
"I have to admit we're making decent money now," Lana sighed. "I mean it's not what we used to make as spies but at least I can pay for my apartment and AJ has a relatively decent life."
"Covering up Cheryl's fires and being a rathole for her company is rather lucrative," Ray admitted. "As well as some of our other revenues."
"You mean scams," Lana looked at him.
"First of all," Ray pointed out. "Krieger Kollege is technically not a scam. It's an educational and entertainment service we provide for a small fee."
"Ray," Lana looked at him. "It's a bunch of videos of us. Half of them are from Krieger's crazy podcast. And some of them are from our old Christmas parties. Or old training videos from back in the spy days."
"It's a streaming service with original content," Ray shrugged. "Besides I didn't see you saying no."
"It's just a couple of videos of me going through a basic French class," Lana admitted. "It's not like I was wearing a bikini or something."
"Doesn't matter to the majority of our clientele," Ray smirked. "That sweater dress you wear is still pretty sexy. Especially to the male convicts who are at least forty five percent of our subscribers."
"Don't remind me," Lana groaned. "You don't even want to know what some of them send me in the mail. Although I must admit, some of the poems they send are better written than any of the ones Archer sent me."
"Archer wrote you poems?" Ray asked.
"Mostly limericks," Lana groaned. "When he was drunk. Don't ask."
"I wasn't going to," Ray snickered. "I kind of like some of the mail I get. At least I have some lineups for a date in fifteen to twenty years."
"If that wasn't crazy enough then there's the whole essay thing," Lana groaned. "I can't believe I did that."
"It says right on the disclaimer our essays are used for only tutoring purposes and not for cheating," Ray shrugged. "Not our fault if some students ignore it."
"They're cheating Ray and you know it," Lana groaned.
"Said the woman who put up at least twenty of her own college essays on the site," Ray pointed out.
"Twenty-three," Lana admitted. "Hey, I get at least twenty-five dollars a week for that. It may not sound like much but it keeps AJ in chicken nuggets."
"Well AJ may have more," Cyril said as he walked into the bullpen with Pam and Krieger. "I'm a calling a meeting to discuss new ways of making money."
"Oh good!" Lana sighed. "I was wondering what this week's scam was going to be."
"Technically it's more of a racket," Krieger corrected her.
"What about Cheryl?" Ray asked.
"Do you actually care?" Cyril asked.
"Well if she causes another fire…" Ray remarked.
"It's fine, she's occupied," Pam waved. "Trust me. This will go faster if she's not here."
"I agree," Lana sighed. "Okay Cyril what's this meeting about?"
"Two things," Cyril said. "One, I am happy to announce that our agency has come into a windfall."
"And by that," Pam spoke up. "He means we found over six hundred grand in an envelope taped under Archer's desk."
"Labeled emergency drinking money," Cyril groaned as he handed out some envelopes to Lana and Ray. "Here are your cuts."
"Hooray," Ray said cheerfully. "Emergency food and shelter money."
"Tonight, we will dine on Happy Meals," Lana quipped. "Okay that's the good news. What's the bad news?"
"It's not bad news," Krieger said. "I've come up with a new product that is already doing well on the market!"
"You're not selling sex toys again, are you?" Lana groaned.
"No," Krieger sighed. "Not for lack of trying. God your product causes one accidental death and international incident when used incorrectly and nobody ever lets you forget it!"
"Are you selling more stolen stuff online?" Ray asked.
"No, we decided we'd get more for our buck if we just sent them straight to the pawn shops," Pam waved. "Or set up a stand on Venice Beach."
"We did rather well with that the last time," Ray nodded.
"True but I think we should lay low for a while," Pam said. "I hear the cops are starting to crack down."
"So, what are we doing?" Lana asked.
"This!" Krieger took out some things from his coat pockets.
Ray looked at them. "They look like plastic figures of your pigs."
"They are!" Krieger grinned. "I'm cashing in the blind boxes trend. I'm calling it My Little Piggly!"
"Blind boxes?" Lana asked.
"They're called that because you don't know what you are going to get when you buy them," Pam explained.
"You mean those little figurines that look like toys but aren't?" Ray realized.
"Exactly," Cyril nodded.
"They have them for everything," Krieger said. "Unicorns. Dinosaurs. TV show characters…Why not make one for Piggly? So, I came up with nine adorable Piggly poses complete with two chasers…"
"What's a chaser?" Lana asked.
"A rare figure," Ray explained. "They make fewer of them so it's harder to find. And they become collector's figures."
"Ergo more people will buy more boxes because they will want them," Krieger said.
"Turns out blind boxes are a huge money market," Cyril said. "And can be highly addictive."
"I've convinced Krieger to start a separate line for cows," Pam said. "Because who doesn't love cows?"
"I do every time I have a hamburger," Ray quipped.
"They are kind of cute in a weird way," Lana looked at them.
"And that's not the best part!" Krieger put them on a table and turned off the lights. "Voila!"
"They glow in the dark?" Pam was surprised at the bright green figures.
"Of course, they do," Lana sighed. "Please tell me…"
"They're not radioactive!" Krieger snapped as he turned the lights back on. "God! You irradiate something six or seven times…"
"They're not," Pam said. "The Geiger counter we got proves it."
"That thing has paid for itself," Ray admitted.
"They're not toxic either," Krieger said. "Well no more than any other blind box figure."
"Our agency is now an official partner in the plastic pig business," Cyril admitted. "And so is Cheryl."
"You got Cheryl to invest in your figurines?" Lana asked.
"In a way," Krieger remarked.
"Mine! Mine! Mine!" Cheryl walked by carrying several figurines and some boxes. "Just three more and my collection will be complete! HA! HA!"
"Oh, this is what you mean by investing," Lana remarked as Cheryl left the room.
"She's already bought like twenty of them," Krieger said. "And at eleven dollars a box…"
"These things are being sold for eleven dollars each?" Lana gasped. "Kind of high don't you think?"
"The going rate is usually 7 to 12 dollars," Pam said. "Not including tax."
"I've bought large toys for AJ that were cheaper than that!" Lana was stunned.
"Uh uh, not a toy!" Krieger told her. "Collector's item."
"Now I see what you mean by it's a racket and not a scam," Ray said to Krieger.
"OKAY WHERE THE HELL IS THE PIGGY PRANCER?" Cheryl was heard out of the room. "I GOT A TON OF PIGGY BACKS WITH THE FOOTBALL! WHERE IS THE DAMN PRANCER?"
"Wow," Cyril remarked. "The blind box thing is a racket."
A few weeks later Cyril was holding another meeting in the bullpen with Lana, Pam, Ray and Krieger. "And the authorities have no idea how the entire first and second floors of the Beverly Hills Hotel became filled with chocolate pudding. Luckily for us there was some kind of magician's convention in town, so they are blaming it on a magic trick gone awry."
"In other words, we're in the clear," Krieger smiled. "Told you Ray and I took out all the security footage."
"And in a further note," Cyril sighed. "They also have no idea how a zebra got into city hall, much less threw up and destroyed the mayor's office. They're blaming it on a university prank gone wrong."
Pam paused. "Well…"
"No! I don't want to hear it!" Cyril snapped. "I never want to hear about it again! As far as I am concerned, last weekend never happened! Got it!"
"But…" Ray began.
"Never happened!" Cyril snapped. "Never! Never! Never!"
Ray spoke up. "What about the sixty grand we stole from…?"
"We didn't steal it!" Lana interrupted. "We got it from…"
"A client," Cyril said.
"Vegas," Lana said at the same time.
"Okay a client in Vegas!" Cyril snapped. "If anyone asks!"
"Who's going to ask?" Pam asked. "Seriously most of the people who would ask are already in this building."
"Mallory?" Lana looked at her.
"She's not going to ask if you don't tell," Ray said. "Don't ask. Don't tell. I know. Phrasing."
"Okay to recap," Cyril said. "Never happened. Last weekend all we did was watch TV and eat!"
"That's pretty much a lot of my weekends," Pam admitted. "And weekdays. Yeah that's believable."
"Good," Cyril sighed. "Next on the agenda…I'm glad to report that Krieger's blind box business is doing well."
"We're having to double the orders," Krieger grinned. "People are really getting into these guys. And apparently the next Lunar New Year is the Year of the Pig so…"
"I thought it was the Year of the Rat?" Ray spoke up.
"I have no idea what year it is," Pam admitted. "Lunar wise anyway."
"I can't believe this is actually working," Lana was stunned.
"Yeah usually by now Krieger's schemes backfire," Pam nodded. "Or cause an international incident. Or a death…"
"They don't always…" Krieger paused. "No, you're right. This is new."
"Here are all your first weekly checks into our investment," Cyril handed some checks out.
"We're all getting an extra fifty dollars a week due to these things?" Ray asked.
"Minimum," Krieger grinned. "If this thing keeps going the way it does, you could all get up to or over three hundred dollars a week!"
"All of you except for Archer," Cyril said. "And Ms. Archer. Oh, by the way, don't tell her about this."
"Duh!" Pam scoffed.
"AH HA!" Cheryl cackled as she ran through the room and out again. "I GOT A PIGGLY PRANCER! SUCK IT EVERYONE ELSE!"
Cyril paused. "Cheryl's check is going directly into the office coffee fund."
"So, don't tell her?" Lana asked.
"To be fair," Pam said. "I don't think it would register with her if we did."
"Just keep her hooked on the pigs and we'll all be happy," Cyril nodded.
"That was the plan," Krieger agreed. "We're already coming out with Series Two in a few weeks."
"I think I might put this first check in AJ's college fund," Lana remarked.
"AJ has a college fund?" Cyril asked.
"She does now," Lana shrugged.
"We're also going to put out a cow line pretty soon," Krieger said. "As per Pam's request."
"Thank you," Pam grinned.
"And if next year is the Year of the Rat or whatever we'll do a rat line," Krieger added. "Actually, I think I will do a rat line anyway."
"Who would buy toys based on rats?" Ray asked.
"You'd be surprised," Krieger shrugged.
"Hang on. You keep saying we," Ray realized. "Who's we?"
"Wait where exactly are these things being made?" Lana asked. "China?"
"God no!" Krieger said. "It says right here made in North America. Which it is. Technically."
"Technically?" Cyril asked.
"Okay so now it's being made under North America," Krieger admitted.
"Under…?" Ray realized something. "Oh no…You're kidding me?"
Meanwhile way underground in the city of San Krieger…
A Krieglin in a hard hat spoke to another one. "Hey Aldin, we've got some new orders for a cow and rat line."
"Well Aldrick, the rat figurines make sense," Aldin said. "But cows?"
"Surface dwellers are weird," Aldrick shrugged. "We got the designs from Krieger today. Better tell the workers."
"Right," Aldin sighed as he looked over an assembly line full of highly complicated robots. He went to a computer and punched a few buttons. Then took the pad from Aldrick and held it to a scanner. "Phew! That's done. Boy this is hard work!"
"This blind box thing is a good racket," Aldrick shrugged. "If this keeps up, we may have to hire another guy to push the buttons."
"Hey, whatever it takes to boost the economy," Aldin shrugged.
"You mean drain money from the surface world and put it into our economy?" Alrdick asked.
"Bingo," Aldin nodded.