WARNING: Non-graphic description/flashback of rape/non-con
And That's Okay
It was cold, winter still actively being replaced with the light sprouts of spring, and daylight was hard to come by. However, to Ellie it didn't really seem like many people minded, aside from her old man and herself. She longed for sunshine, longed for warmth, longed to see the cold nights turn to hot, humid, lightning bug weather. It wasn't just because of the pain of winters past, but that did seem to play into it. Joel seemed to be the same, though they hadn't really talked about it. When summers came, he just got…happier. Brighter and more energetic until about the month of September. (Well, there was no "about" about it – Ellie knew the exact date that some of him disappeared and had known for quite some time now.)
Dina, on the other hand, seemed to love the cold. She would drag Ellie with her on night-time walks, and chat excitedly about the snow and the annual Christmas "ball" that Jackson held. Her cheeks would be perpetually rosy, her clothes cozy and muted, and Ellie found that to be one thing she could enjoy during the cold months.
She was nineteen, Dina a fresh twenty, and Ellie found herself staring at the blush of Dina's nose as they walked hand in hand back from dinner.
For the first few years, Ellie and Joel would not leave each other's sides, not even for a minute. It made the town wary of them, and made the other children tease her, but neither did care very much. Recently, though, both had begun to branch out – while still keeping each other in sight more than other children and caregivers may, they both had their own lives to live. Especially when Ellie turned eighteen and started to make a few friends. As awkward as she was, somehow having Joel around made the other kids even more uncomfortable around her.
So now, they ate breakfast together and slept under the same roof, and every once and a while they would curl up side by side behind all the kids and watch the weekly movie, but most everything else was done separately.
Correction, most everything else was done with Dina. As friends first, then as something a little more after Jesse's party (oops, Ellie thought, sorry Jesse). Tonight had been "date night," something of Dina's creation, and had consisted of dinner picked up from the mess hall and enjoyed on the porch of a home that had yet to be repaired enough to be livable. Dina, ever the romantic and much more knowledgeable in the topic than Ellie, had led them into the decrepit home after they ate and begun to teach Ellie to dance – just a simple waltz, but as complicated as learning Latin to Ellie. She hummed as she taught, and that in itself made the taller girl's heart flutter – but not as much as when Dina gently took her hand and began leading her home through the cold, dry night.
"You're not a bad dancer." The older girl grinned, looking up at Ellie (who was still fixated on her partner's blush). She laughed when Ellie startled and looked away red in the face, and leaned over to tap her head on Ellie's shoulder. "Don't be embarrassed, Red. We're dating. You get to stare at me all you want."
Ellie smiled bashfully back and locked eyes with Dina.
"You know, you're really fucking pretty." She said bluntly. The brunette laughed.
"Way to be subtle," She grinned. Ellie scrunched up her nose and grinned.
"If you're letting me stare at you, who said I was trying to be subtle?"
Dina chuckled and squeezed Ellie's hand.
"Fair enough."
Silence. The comfortable kind; not the kind that makes you want to rip your hair out. Ellie listened to Dina's breath come in short huffs from the slight exertion of walking up hill.
"You know, you're fairly pretty yourself."
Dina's voice startled Ellie, just a little, and she felt a blush creeping onto her cheeks.
"What? No, I'm not. If you haven't noticed, I make it a point to look like absolute garbage every time I leave the house."
Dina was quiet, which is not the response the younger expected after a joke.
"Uhm… Earth to Dina?" She finally asked, and her partner looked up at her, giving her hand a squeeze. She looked concerned.
"You don't really think that, do you?"
Ellie froze. Of course she did? She had never really thought about looks; no, Dina was the pretty one, and Ellie was pretty good at picking up heavy stuff. That's how it worked, right? They didn't both get to be pretty. She'd be lying if she said that she had never had problems with her body and appearance – she'd be more than lying, because that weighed on her mind more than she thinks it should. But just because she worried over it didn't mean it was important – and she was more than happy to just admire Dina's beauty than to have her own.
Instead of saying that, she shrugged. "I mean… I guess not? It's not really important…"
Dina clicked her tongue, and it almost sounded remorseful. Ellie squirmed a little and looked away as Dina put a hand up to her cheek. She didn't like talking about her, didn't like being pitied, didn't like making Dina's eyes look like that.
Soft hands moved her head so she could meet the smaller's eyes.
"Oh, my Ellie Jane, you are the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tiptoes found their way under Dina, pushing her up the extra two inches to nearly meet Ellie's height so she could touch their foreheads together.
For a moment, it was just that - two girls, staring into each other's eyes. There were no tears, there was no pain, no jokes and no smirks – just trust. Just love. Dina stroked hair from Ellie's forehead seriously.
"And if anyone thinks otherwise, I will shove their head so far up their ass that all they can taste for weeks is ribcage."
Ellie snorted and pulled away, laughing, and Dina laughed too.
"You're an idiot." Ellie grinned, and Dina shrugged with a flutter of her lashes.
"You love it."
And suddenly Ellie was brave, and she was pulling Dina to her by the waist and pressing their lips together.
"I do."
It wasn't long before the kiss deepened, and greedy hands found their way to Ellie's hair, grasping in a way that was almost desperate. Ellie kept her hands tight on Dina's waist and shuddered a little, but not in a bad way. Her whole body was flushed, and Dina was warm against her cold skin. Suddenly the older pulled way, grinning, and grabbed her hand.
"C'mon. Your old man's on patrol tonight, right? Let's go to your place."
In the back of her mind, Ellie knew exactly where this was going. Sort of. And, honestly, she was excited. Excited, and scared – but mostly excited. She wanted this; she knew she did. But if she did, then why was she shaking? She pushed it out of her mind. She let Dina lead her across town by the hand, only letting go to let Ellie unlock her front door, and then dragging her over to the couch.
Ellie was gently shoved onto the couch and Dina climbed onto her lap, legs straddling her and lips immediately pushed to hers. Hungry hands wandered over her skin and under the back of her shirt, and Ellie's hands tried to do similarly. She didn't protest when Dina expertly led Ellie's hand to rest on her breast, and she even tried clumsily to run her other hand through Dina's hair. Dina moaned a little in a happy way, and unhooked Ellie's bra with one hand. Then she pulled away and locked their eyes.
"You wanna do this?" She asked with a smirk. She was flirtatiously teasing, but Ellie also knew she was serious – if she said no, then Dina would stop, and she wouldn't make her feel bad about it. But she didn't want to stop, or at least she told herself she didn't, because this is what couples do. It's how they love; it was obvious from Dina's confidence that she had done this before, and she was sure most people in serious relationships (and even not, in some cases) had, too. And it wasn't like her body was really protesting much – Dina felt good pressed against her, and she felt hot all over in a pleasant way.
But why was she shaking?
She didn't care. She nodded and Dina giggled, leaning in to plant kisses onto Ellie's neck.
More kisses and more caresses, and Ellie was trying to do the same. She wanted to want this, wanted to like this, and so she would. Any thoughts otherwise, she pushed away, even if they were starting to come for the front of her mind rather than the recesses.
She was doing a fairly good job of blocking them out (Dina's happy crooning sounds definitely helped), but then something changed. Dina's hand had found its way to Ellie's inner thigh, and suddenly her weight on Ellie's lap was too much.
The younger started to freeze up entirely other than her involuntary shaking, and her breathing was starting to become rapid. She couldn't push the thoughts away anymore; she had had this dream too much, had relived it once too many.
David.
Pushed on top of her in her cell, that smile on his face that gave no reason not to trust. That calm look, no anger, no regret, no feeling. Just a smile as he pressed into her, his body on hers and her tiny heart beating fast.
She would always try to move, always try to scream, but she couldn't. She could only cry silently in fear as he made himself impossible to ignore, telling her how special she was as he touched her.
She was there again now, and she couldn't seem to leave. She was shaking impossibly now, her entire body and not just her hands. Tears were coming out of her eyes as she breathed rapidly, and she couldn't see.
She felt something shift on top of her and heard a voice, but she couldn't make anything of it.
"No, no," She mumbled, gasping for air and pulling her limbs in close. He wouldn't get off; he was always there, that sick, unfeeling grin peering at her forever. She cried out a biting, pained yelp, and tears were pouring freely down her face.
A hand was on her shoulder, and she jumped back. "No!" She shouted, her throat burning with the guttural yelp. "Get off!"
She didn't mean to say anything, not really, but she couldn't see straight – couldn't think straight. It was all him, all over, all over her and all over the room and all over the town. It was him, and it would always be him, and she couldn't stop herself from screaming, from trying to pull her body away from the unending infiniteness of him, from shaking so badly it was more like a vibration.
"Ellie, Ellie, shh, it's okay, it's me," A voice said, soft but hard at the same time, pulling her back. Her eyes seemed to focus for a moment and she saw Dina, sitting there beside her with a worried expression. Ellie took a gulp of air.
"Dee.." She choked out, and Dina reached a tentative hand forward.
"Ellie, its alright. I didn't know you didn't…." She broke off. Ellie was still crying, and Dina didn't know what to say. "I thought you wanted to. I'm so, so sorry."
Ellie shook her head, no, that wasn't the problem, Dina wasn't the problem, it was him, it would always be him, always, but Dina didn't understand. She was tearing up.
"I'm so sorry, Ellie. I was stupid, I should've made sure—" Her voice broke. "I just thought you were nervous because you never… I didn't know you didn't want to, I'm so sorry."
Ellie shook her head again, because no, that wasn't it, but she couldn't say anything. Dina took a deep breath.
"Do you want me to leave? I promise I'll never come back. I'll – I won't bother you again, just... just say the word."
She started to get up, and it was all Ellie could do to shout.
"No!" She cried, a shaky hand forcefully reaching out for the older girl. "Please..."
Dina sat back down, but stayed at the very edge of the sofa. Both of them were crying now.
Mustering all of her strength, Ellie crawled over to her, sitting on her knees when she got within a few inches.
"Please… don't." She muttered, her voice broken. She carefully let her head rest on Dina's chest, and the smaller put a careful hand on her shoulder. After a few moments, the hand was petting her gently, and Ellie's breathing was beginning to slow just a little.
It must have been close to an hour when she finally felt okay again. Tired, yes, but okay. He wasn't there right now. It was just her and Dina.
She hated that she really wished Joel was home, to keep her safe, to pull her into his side like she was four years old.
She took a deep breath in and then let it out, and she felt Dina freeze for a second. Suddenly, Ellie felt terrible. Dina was amazing. She was gentle, and soft, and beautiful, and she had just wanted to love Ellie in the way grown people do. And Ellie was too broken to do so.
"I'm sorry." Ellie breathed. She felt Dina shift.
"Sorry for…what?"
Ellie shrugged.
"For…freaking out."
She felt Dina shake her head.
"I'm the one who…who pushed you, I shouldn't have been so forward, or—"
A freckled finger was pushed to her lips, shutting her up mid-sentence, and green, teary eyes bore into her's.
"No." Ellie said, her voice sharp and yet so utterly shattered. "This is my problem. You – you did nothing wrong."
Dina looked incredulous, and Ellie knew that she needed to explain. Dina had no idea about winter, she knew nothing of the shame Ellie felt, or the hurt, or how broken she was. She deserved an explanation.
They were both silent, Dina's careful hand still petting tentatively. Ellie gulped. She couldn't leave Dina in the dark.
Joel was the only one who knew, and she hadn't even told him, not in words. He just knew.
Ellie didn't know if she could say it. But Dina deserved to know.
"I don't think I'm…ready." She said softly, and Dina nodded.
"Oh, love, that's okay. Sometimes people aren't, and that's- that's alright."
"You don't have to stay with me." Ellie mumbled into the smaller girl's chest, and Dina pulled away harshly. It scared Ellie, but she remained silent.
"Ellie Jane Williams, do you really think this is a deal breaker for me?" She said harshly. "I do not want you for sex. I want you for you."
Their eye contact had been locked for a few moments, and Ellie felt her eyes welling up. Dina's were, too. She brushed hair from Ellie's eyes with a gentle hand.
"I was raped." Ellie choked, much too loud for the silence that had fallen over them.
It was the first time she'd said it out loud, first time she'd put words to that horrible smile. It felt both good and bad to say it. Bad because it made it seem so much more real, so much more painful. But good because it gave a name to David – one that suited him, because he didn't deserve a real name. Rapist. He was a rapist. A disgusting, pedophilic rapist.
"Oh, my gosh," Dina breathed. She cupped Ellie's face gently, and Ellie leaned into it, her eyes welling over and dribbling once more down her freckled cheeks.
"It was – It was winter, and Joel was hu-hurt, and I was hunting and got taken and –" She gasped for air and Dina shushed her softly.
"Does Joel know?" Is all Dina said, her gaze intense and angry. Not at Ellie, she knew – at David. At the rapist. Possibly at Joel, depending on what Ellie said next. She nodded.
"He- He would've killed him if I hadn't've."
Dina nodded with this newfound knowledge. Ellie looked away, because she didn't want to see Dina's face when she realized that her partner was a murderer. She heard Dina huff.
"Good. I would have, too."
And then Ellie laughed, just a little, which startled Dina.
"Would you ha-have shoved his head so far u-up his ass that he could only taste ribcage?" Ellie breathed, still trying to catch her hyperventilating breath. Dina gave a little breathy chuckle.
"You know I would've done worse."
Ellie took a deep breath in and leaned back over into Dina's warm form, letting the older girl run her hand absently through Ellie's hair.
"We don't have to have sex, you know." Dina whispered. "Not now, not ever, if you don't want to."
She kissed Ellie's whispy hair, and Ellie felt safe. She nodded.
"I know." She muttered, her eyes feeling heavy. "I think I want to, one day. But…"
Dina shushed her.
"You can take all the time you need. It won't make any difference to me, love."
Ellie nuzzled into her girlfriend and smiled, tears still drying on her cheeks.
Dina was ready.
Ellie was not.
And that was okay.
A/N: Similar to Broken Wing, here's another one dealing with sexual trauma. As a CSA survivor, writing about characters coping helps me to cope and I do not wish to glorify or make light of any trauma I write about.