"If you go defeat the Devil King, if you save the world, I'll do anything you want me to. How about that?"
"Anything? You mean like, anything anything? You, uhhh…. You understand what you're offering here, right?"
"I do, and I'm ok with that. When I say anything, I mean anything."
Getting sent to another world full of fantasy and magic sounds like every otaku's dream come true, right? Well guess what, dreams don't come true. Here I am, learning that lesson for the second time in my life. I have achieved what every man has dreamed of, I have a cute girl here who says she'll do anything for me. You know… that kind of anything. So why am I at a loss for what to do?
I mean, when you think about it, there's no reason for me to say no. Technically, I am the hero who saved this world several times from the Devil King, so I'm perfectly adequate. I cleared the conditions she's set, and she's perfectly willing. So what's wrong?
This isn't in line with my character. Megumin offered herself to me because she knows that's how I'm motivated. Yet even though we've slept (in a literal sense) together many times, tonight I feel too anxious for even that. I came to the guild, alone, instead.
I drifted through the crowd to an empty table. It felt like my ears were waterlogged, my skin felt sickly, I hadn't even had a drink yet. What's with tonight? Why, of all times, am I questioning things now? I've never thought twice about something like this before.
"What would you like to drink, sir."
…..
"Sir?"
"Water, please."
The woman's questioning gaze lingered.
"Sir, we only serve paying customers. Order something, and I can get you a water with it."
"O-oh, ummm… Just a small order of frog legs. Thanks."
The woman jotted down my order and left. I felt too sick for alcohol. The feeling that this night would drag on in the worst way possible was ever increasing. But I just couldn't put my finger on it, why was Megumin suddenly affecting me in this way? I mean, we've done it countless times before… in the succubus shop, that is. Is it because it's the real Megumin this time?
"Hey, it's Kazuma!"
"Kazuma! I haven't seen you since we celebrated your victory over the Devil King! Too good to visit the guild now that you're the world's hero, eh?"
"Keith, Dust, what's up guys? Come sit down!"
They showed up right as I wished for someone to talk to. Lucky.
"Kazuma, you're never gonna believe this!"
Keith said, taking the seat in front of me with Dust alongside him.
"Try me, this is the adventurer Kazuma who slayed the Devil King here, there's not much out there I haven't seen."
Keith and Dust smirked at each other before turning back to me.
"Get this, Dust finally got laid."
Right after he said that, the waitress returned with my order. Keith scrutinized my meal, before shooting a concerned glance my way.
"Not drinking tonight?"
"Yeah, I'm not Aqua. I feel sick tonight, so I just came here to settle my nerves."
Shouldn't he be happy I'm not drinking my problems away, rather than worried?
"Anyway, what was that about Dust?"
"I finally scored with one of my party members, dude!"
Oh, right.
I'm not feeling normal today, otherwise I'd probably high-five him before complaining about my own lack of a sex life with a party member. That's always the type of thing I'd complain about. But now it's right at my fingertips, so why won't I take it? Dust is much more immature than I am, but he still might have some useful advice on the subject.
"Dude, how?" I implored.
"I have no idea."
The face of absolute disappointment I made should be painted, framed, and passed down Dust's family line for them to remember how much of a moron their ancestor was.
"What the hell kind of answer is that? What's the point of you getting some if you don't have any advice for me? Don't think I'll be happy for you just because we're friends, in case you forgot, I'M STILL A VIRGIN!"
"Hey! Sorry that you're jealous, asshole!"
"Calm down, Dust, that's just Kazuma being Kazuma."
And there's the problem. Me.
I froze solid as soon as I thought that. The problem… is me? What did I mean when I thought that? "Kazuma being Kazuma" I'm already the reputable Trashzuma, so why did it hurt to hear him say that?
"Alright, Kazuma. The truth is, it just kinda happened. Maybe I just have that kind of charm about me."
Yeah right.
"That's great and all, but that's not really what I meant."
"Huh? Then what did you mean?"
That's a great question. If it wasn't how he seduced her, then what? What part of the equation am I missing? All you need are two willing people!
Two willing people.
Two.
I was slowly connecting the dots.
The problem really was me.
All you need are two willing people. Megumin was willing, so the reason I'm struggling with this has nothing to do with her. That just leaves me. Am I the one who's unwilling?
"Hello, Kazuma?"
I snapped out of my thoughts to find Keith and Dust staring at me. I looked at them, unblinking as I snatched up my water mug and downed the whole thing.
"I'm gonna use the bathroom, if the waitress comes by, tell her to refill my water."
I left them completely bewildered with my behavior, and quickly shut myself in a bathroom stall. Dropping my pants, I saw my son slumped over lethargically, not aroused in the slightest. Covering my face with my hands, I realized that I had not taken my relationship with Megumin seriously enough.
It wasn't too long ago that she had told me that she loved me. Me, the one who had longed for a romance to develop between him and a party member. Why was it that when she told me that, my voice caught in my throat? At that moment, I couldn't say it back. I wonder how long she's been ahead of me for? I never even noticed that she's been the one leading me.
Looking back, it seemed like I was in the lead since I was always pushing her to do something sexual with me. On the surface, it looks like I was the one leading her onto the next step. But in reality, I was just a horny young man who was too eager to lose his virginity. So now I have to ask myself, why did I want her then, and not now?
I sat there, on the toilet, at a bar, midway through an existential crisis, when a voice called out to me.
"Kazumaaa... Kazumaaaaa!"
Wait, I've heard that voice before, haven't I?
"Kazuma, in your time of need, I have come to lend you my divine aid."
I knew it! I freaking knew it!
"I don't ever want your divine aid again, you hoe ass goddess!"
"Bwa! What the hell did you just call me?! Don't think that just because I'm back in heaven that I can't hurt you! I can take care of your sex problems right now by using god blow on your little kazuma there! DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT!"
"OK, JUST SHUT UP, WILL YOU? WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE YELLING, YOU USELESS GODDESS?"
"You asshole! You just called me useless! I helped you beat the Devil King, so I don't ever want to hear that again, you pedoneet!"
"You can forget about that happening."
Especially since you're still calling me names like 'Pedoneet'.
"Besides, what the hell do you know about sex and relationships anyway?"
"Oh, Kazuma. There were many times men would tell me "Why don't you pay your debt with your body?" of course, as a pure goddess, I never actually did it, but-"
"So you have no experience whatsoever. I was kidding earlier, but you really are useless after all this time."
"Grr! Fine, solve this problem on your own, you can forget about getting any help from me!"
Sobbing, Aqua's divine presence faded from the bathroom stall.
"I never wanted your help in the first place, debt goddess."
I pulled my pants back up and stepped back out into the guild. Looking over at my table, I saw not Keith nor Dust, but rather the waitress looking at me with annoyance.
"The bill, sir."
My jaw dropped to the floor as I saw Keith and Dust had stuck me with a 30,000 eris bill and ran. Is this how they thank the hero who stopped the Devil King? Next time I see them, I'll show them just how much I've leveled up, we'll see if they mess with me then!
After paying the bill, I left the guild and wandered aimlessly. I found myself at the foot of the town, where it merges into the forest. Now that the Devil King is dead, I don't have to worry about getting jumped by monsters. Not that I'm afraid of fighting monsters without my party members, or anything. Fancying a stroll through the forest, I entered.
I've never really thought about myself like this before. Is this normal for someone my age to go through? Now that I think about it, I was so caught up in adventuring that I forgot. I'm only seventeen, aren't I? I'm not even an adult by Japan's standards. Maybe I've been in too big a rush to become one. Now that it's really happening… I don't feel like an adult.
Wait, Megumin is only fourteen! Why is a fourteen year old girl more emotionally ready than I am?! W-what the hell have I been doing? Where do I start untangling this knot? If I walk myself through our time together, and how this came to be, maybe I can figure something out.
I've always had a base attraction to my party members. Sexually harassing the trio of girls was a daily routine. Though I have to say, my tastes, as far as looks go, align more with Darkness. That said, I ended up rejecting Darkness when it came down to her or Megumin. What made me choose Megumin?
Truthfully, I chose Megumin because Megumin chose me. "I'm already too far along with Megumin to switch to Darkness." was my reasoning. If that's the case, doesn't that mean I actually prefer Darkness, but stayed with Megumin out of obligation? It's starting to feel more and more like I've been leading Megumin on. No matter what way I look at it, only a scumbag would do that sort of thing. I'm not that kind of guy, am I?
"K-Kazuma?"
"GYAAAAA!"
I wailed at Wiz's sudden voice behind me.
"Eeep! Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you!"
"Jeez, Wiz, Aqua's not here so if you scare me to death, it's for keeps!"
"If that happens, you could always become an undead, like me."
"Don't say that like it's no big deal, what are you doing here anyway?"
"There's a graveyard nearby, I was only going to help guide the spirits into the afterlife. But Kazuma, I think it's a lot weirder that you're out here all alone, what are you doing here anyway?"
She shot the question right back at me. Wiz is shy and incompetent, especially when it comes to love. I probably shouldn't tell her too much.
"I just wanted some time by myself to think."
"Oh, I see. What about, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Nothing I want to trouble you with, Wiz."
Nice, that was a pretty cool response. I wonder if Wiz will think I'm a more thoughtful guy because of this.
"He's out because he's afraid of sleeping with his girlfriend!"
"Oh, my! Aqua-sama, is that you? But where?"
Aqua suddenly piped in from heaven. I swear if I ever get reincarnated again, I'm gonna ask to get sent to the toughest world possible, and drag her down there with me!
"Goddamnit, Aqua! Just stay out of it!"
"Hahahahahaha!"
She cackled like a harpy as her voice faded back out.
"I'm sorry, Kazuma. But I don't understand why a lecher like you would be having problems like this. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Hey, I'm not gonna ignore that. You just called me a lecher, didn't you?"
"Sorry, it's just that that's what all the folks around town call you."
"WHAAAT!? Those damn ungrateful townspeople!"
I grumbled all sorts of threats incoherently before Wiz interrupted me.
"I'm not too experienced myself, but if you tell me what's wrong, I can at least try to help."
At this point, even her help would be welcome. I decided I would open up a little to Wiz.
"Wiz, to be honest, I feel like the problem is me."
I choked up a little bit, it felt so different to actually say it out loud. I took a deep breath as I awaited Wiz's comforting words.
"Yes, I suspected the problem would likely be you, Kazuma."
I don't know what it feels like to be in an elevator when the cords snap and it crashes all the way to the bottom, but I feel as if it is not unlike hearing Wiz say those words to me.
"What!? It really is me?"
"Well, I don't really know the situation, but you're always fooling around with women, so I'm sorry if I jumped to conclusions."
"W-w-wah? I do not fool around with women! You can ask Megumin, she'll tell you I'm a dedicated…."
"A dedicated what?"
…
A boyfriend, a lover? I don't even know what stage we're at. We've never even kissed before! Isn't it rather audacious to say I'm her lover when we've never made love, or her boyfriend when we've never even kissed?
"Her boyfriend"
I decided to save face by just rolling with the lesser of the two titles.
"Kazuma, if you don't mind, I'd like to know what the actual problem is, so I can help you."
"R-right, well Megumin wants to take the next step… but, uh… I don't know if I want to."
"You don't know if you want to?"
"Y-yeah… It's like, I've always wanted this kind of relationship with someone. But that was as a virgin man wanting to step into adulthood. This, I don't know why, but it doesn't feel the same."
Wiz was completely flushed red at my explanation, and mumbled some advice nervously.
"Well, maybe you need to define the type of relationship you want, before seeking it out?"
"Hmmm..."
"W-was that good advice?"
"I think so. Thank you, Wiz."
Wiz simply nodded politely before disappearing off into the forest.
"Good luck, Kazuma, I hope you figure it out."
I looked out at the massive clearing before me, thinking about Wiz's advice. For some reason, I remembered a thread I saw online once. "What's the difference between fucking and making love?" as a sexually curious young man, I, of course, read it, and came out thinking that there really was no difference at all. It's all just sex, it feels good, so why question it? But now, I think that may have been wrong.
It sure seems to be making a difference now.
Do I just want sex, or do I really love her?
Dammit, I wish I didn't have to worry about this! I wish I could just be a scumbag like usual, and go in without thinking! She probably wouldn't even care if I did, so why should I care?
Because I want to do things right.
I want to do things right!
And the right thing to do all hinges on one question.
Do I really love her?
Unfortunately, I'm at a total loss on that one. No clue how to figure it out, either. What does it really mean to be in love? How can I tell? I thought it would be obvious, but damn….
Love is so complicated!
Have I ever even thought about what I want from a woman in apart from sex appeal? If it turns out Megumin isn't the one for me after all, I don't know what I'll do! I'm in too deep with her to end things gracefully, but if I want to do things right, I'm gonna have to accept that if it goes that way.
Suddenly, I thought of an accusation Wiz had made. She said I fooled around with women. I denied it there to save face, but isn't there a lot of truth to that? Darkness, Megumin, Chris, and Iris. I've tried putting the moves on all of them before, even after Megumin and I started our relationship. That lack of commitment, isn't that bad news for me? If I really loved Megumin, I wouldn't want to do that kind of stuff. I'm certain that same thought has crossed her mind as well.
It all points to the same thing. I don't think I actually love Megumin. My conscience won't let me enter a sexual relationship with a girl like that. I couldn't do that to poor Megumin, it would be even crueler than telling her the truth. Speaking of which…
Oh god, I'm gonna have to break up with her.
She's been so kind, and so forgiving with me. To see it all amount to failure in the end; god, it's just too sad. Why do I have to do this? She doesn't deserve this, not after all we've been through together.
I clenched my eyes tightly, as some strange feeling came over me. If you could imagine what it feels like to have your soul slowly torn out of you, that's the best way I can describe it. When I opened my eyes, I saw on the back of my hand, a single water droplet.
Patting the ground around me, I realized it was dry, and the night sky was without a single cloud. Weird, then where di-
Oh what the hell? I'm crying.
That water droplet…. Was a tear?
It started in my hands, a bit of shaking. Before I knew it, I could feel it aching in my throat, quivering uncontrollably as I bit into my bottom lip. Stifling some cry of unknown origin, ramming against my mouth to tear into the night sky, I slowly keeled over in pain. I could feel an enormous pressure building in my face as I fought to contain something.
Could I actually be dying right now? As I suffered, all I could think was "This must be what it feels like to die" over and over. Was my drink poisoned earlier? I am a celebrity, after all, there's probably no shortage of Devil King sympathizers who want to see me dead. This isn't funny, it seriously felt like I was being ripped apart and boiled down on the inside.
That was when I noticed I hadn't taken a single breath in the past minute. I opened my mouth to inhale, only to choke violently. I needed to breathe, but my body was trying to scream at the same time. I sputtered for a few seconds, before a powerful hand slammed against my back.
"GUHHHHHHHH!"
I inhaled deeply.
And what followed was the most horrific scream I had ever released. By the time I was done, my whole face was slick with tears. I felt the cold wind of night cut across my trembling figure. As a person who has literally died and come back to life multiple times, none of that could compare to this feeling.
As soon as I was able to gather my thoughts, I looked around frantically. Who slapped my back earlier? Crouching, next to me, ears covered, teeth gritted, was Vanir.
"Get that out of your system, boy?"
"Vanir? Why did you help me?"
"Normally, I would incite dark emotions, rather than relieve them. But for the sake of our future business together, I decided to help you this once. A decision I am now regretting."
"Oh no, please, don't regret it! I'll buy a whole crate of Wiz's stuff if you help me out some more!"
"Grr.. Ok, we'll do it that way, but I will choose what you will be buying from us."
"Deal, just please help me!"
Vanir stood vainly with his hand beneath his chin in some sort of vogue thinking pose.
"You're having trouble sorting out your feelings with a certain party member, yes?"
"You're all seeing, aren't you. You tell me."
"Indeed, I am all seeing. I can see into your heart, and I can see into hers. I can see into the heart of anyone I choose. So, boy, I'll tell you. Not what lies within your own heart; no, you will have to figure that out on your own. I will tell you, however, what truly lies in hers."
I sat on my knees before him, looking up expectantly. My heart, I could feel it begin to stir.
"The truth is, your partner accepts you wholeheartedly, for the person you really are. I don't know how, but it seems she genuinely loves you. She also knows what a deplorable scumbag you are, and yet, she loves you anyway. However, she may be forcing herself to suit your needs. Think carefully about what that might mean, boy, and you can find a way out of this."
Before I knew it, my heart was wildly thrashing in my chest. Megumin loves me.
"But wait, I already knew that, didn't I?"
"Yes."
"This is your way of helping me?"
"Don't complain, boy. You already have all the answers within you, I simply drew them to the surface. You're absolutely correct when you say you already know, but if that's the case, why do you look so bewildered?"
"I don't know." I felt my face finally relax, the corners of my mouth were sore, and my skin was crusty with dried tears.
"That's where you'll start, then. Now, I'm off to find a certain lost lich and drag her back to the shop. Good Night."
Back to square one. How late was it anyway? I can't avoid her forever. I have to decide on how I really feel. I understand now that Megumin's love for me is serious, so I have to take it just as seriously!
The biggest confusion I still had was lying in my breakdown earlier. I had never in my life cried like that before. Why did I cry? What was I sad about? It was right as I was thinking about Megumin, about breaking up with her. I felt bad for her. It's not the same as rejecting Darkness, rejecting Megumin was heart wrenching to me.
I'd just hate to be the cause of something so tragic happening to her. But I have to be brave, the right thing to do is to honestly communicate my feelings. I have to break up with her.
More tears.
No screaming this time, just tears.
I looked at myself, completely confused. What the hell is happening to me? Am I really that sad for Megumin? Wait a second…
Oh shit.
Megumin… is exactly like I was back then.
Before I became a shut in reprobate, I was in love. Let me know if you've heard this one before, "A little boy lives across from a little girl. Quickly, they become playmates, and grow fond of each other. Even as children, some tiny spark of romance is there. 'When I grow up, I want to be your wife.' the girl says to the boy, and he takes it to heart. Before their eyes, they aren't kids anymore, but have grown up into young adults, finally realizing the deep love they've developed, and the bond they've forged over years of friendship. The young man and young woman fall truly in love, and live happily together."
The little boy in that story is me. But unfortunately, my story doesn't end the same way. I was living the dream many men longed for, of having a romance with a cute childhood friend. Well, that was the first time in my life I realized that dreams don't come true. The girl who promised to marry me, my childhood friend, was swept off her feet by your typical high school bad boy, and forgot all about me.
I'll never forget the feeling of losing someone that I was so in love with, the feeling of betrayal. She led me on, likely without even realizing it, then abandoned me. Tell me that isn't exactly what I'm about to do to Megumin. That must be why I feel so sad, she's making me remember what I went through all those years ago. For the first time in my life I felt like I had earned the name Trashzuma.
I genuinely hate myself right now.
I felt a wide, shallow impression on the ground in front of me, like something had been laying there, and I curled up inside of it. Tears still trickled down the side of my face. Sniffling, I saw something glinting a short distance away from me. It looked like some sort of magic item, did Wiz drop it earlier?
I grasped it, and saw a label on the back detailing its usage. "This item is known as the Heart Divinator. All you have to do is answer the questions honestly, and it will divine the feelings of your heart."
So basically, I'm answering my own questions. What a useless item.
That's what I thought, but I decided to try it anyway.
"Question one: Are you a boy, or a girl?"
"I'm a boy"
As soon as I said that, a bolt of lightning shot through me.
"GYAAAAA!"
"Wrong answer: try again."
The fuck?! This thing shocked me! And what do you mean by "Wrong answer", huh? Stupid piece of junk!
"I'm sorry, but I am a boy."
"Incorrect, according to my scanners, you are not a boy."
"What am I, then?"
"According to my scanners, a complete bitch."
I'm about ready to slam this thing into the ground. Machines shouldn't talk back to humans like that!
"Question two: Are you having love problems?"
"Yes."
Once more, I felt lightning tear through my veins.
"GYAAAHAHAHA! STOP DOING THAT!"
"Wrong answer: try again."
"Bullshit! Why would I need the help of the Heart Divinator if I wasn't having issues with love?"
"According to my scanners, because you are a complete bitch."
…..
This fucking piece of shit.
"You are not experiencing any sort of real problem. You're just being an idiot. According to my scanners, you are a complete scumbag, the type that would never cry that much for someone else."
"Don't fuck with me! I'm having the worst night of my life, don't tell me my tears are meaningless!"
"I never said they were meaningless. Only that the meaning has been misplaced. According to my scanners, the one you truly grieve for, is yourself."
"What, but… why?"
"Because, you're the one who would hurt the most if that relationship ends."
"I don't understand?"
"Foolish human. Incapable of understanding your own emotions. Let me spell it out for you. You are scared of falling in love."
Huh?
"Pathetic, to think that humans suffer from such a condition. Completely illogical, if you enjoy love, why fear it?"
"Wait, I'm completely lost. You're saying I'm scared of falling in love?"
"Irrationally so. The only reason she's offering herself, is because you wanted her to. To get cold feet at the moment of truth, humans truly are pathetic. Do you truly think this woman will treat you the same as the last?"
The last? How does this thing know so much about my life? Technology is frightening! Still, isn't the reason I can't have sex with Megumin due to a lack of mutual attraction? This has to be wrong.
"GAAHA! I TOLD YOU TO STOP THAT!"
I screamed, as it shocked me again.
"Denied. Until you realize the truth of your heart, I will continue to administer punishment."
"Fine, you win. I'm afraid of love. But where does that get us?"
"Listen, fool. You are in a delusion, a vast delusion! Think, what is love?"
…..
"ANSWER!"
"Uhh! Isn't love when.. Uh, I think it's when, well,-"
"You don't even know what love is."
"IF YOU'RE SO SMART, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT LOVE IS?!"
"Love is a desire to be with someone. You think that because you cannot bring yourself to take the final step in your relationship, that you do not desire her. Therefore, you conclude that you do not actually love her the way you thought you did."
"That sounds… completely correct."
"Such is the hubris of mankind. It's completely incorrect. THAT IS NOT WHY YOU CANNOT TAKE THE FINAL STEP!"
"Then why! Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why! All I want to know is why! What the hell is going on in my heart?"
"Silence, fool, and I will tell you. It is because you are an unseeing idiot. Allow me to elaborate. You and this woman are complete fools. You have forgotten that you are children. Youth is often treated this way, like a race for who can become an adult the fastest. Humans fail to see how this hurts them. Why hurl yourself into a situation you aren't prepared for, when you could savor youth instead? My first advice is to slow the hell down! You're trying to skip past several crucial steps when building a relationship. Do not rush ahead just to keep up with your peers!"
I thought of Dust and Megumin, two immature children who suddenly seemed much more adult to me.
"But Megumin, she's ready for me, and much younger than me too. As a man, I feel a responsibility to meet her needs-"
"FOOL!"
"YEEAAAAAH!"
He electrocuted me.
"YOU ABSOLUTE BABOON! DO YOU NOT SEE YOUR HYPOCRISY?"
"No!"
"This Megumin, do you really think she's ready for you? Fool! It's because you told her that's what you want! As a woman, she feels the same responsibility you do to meet her partner's needs! Do you not realize that she is in the same predicament as you?"
"S-she is?"
"Yes! It seems you may be capable of understanding after all. That's not all I have for you though, human. Everything about you is backwards! You think you just cried your eyes out over a woman you feel nothing towards? The reason you felt such despair was because, for a moment, you thought about a life where you were not with this Megumin anymore. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS AFRAID OF BREAKING UP!"
It was my own despair, and not hers, I was crying over?
"Listen well, you blabbering oaf, this is question three. Which do you fear more, falling in love, or falling out of it?"
"I'm sorry, I have absolutely no idea what the answer to that is."
"Typical human response. The reason you cannot answer is because your mind is confused. In your mind, falling in love is the same thing as falling out of it. The former is inseparable from, and leads directly into the latter. All because of the love you lost in the past. Human, forget about the past. Trust that this Megumin is not so feeble as to leave the one she loves."
Wait a second, suddenly, this machine is giving me super helpful advice?
"Question four: Which of you loves the other more?"
"Well, I have to say Megumin, probably."
It hurt to admit that, but Megumin is certainly more faithful than I am, and she's put up with a lot more of me than I have of her.
"GUAAAAAAAAAAA!"
A bolt tore through me once more.
"WRONG. ANSWER."
"No, wait, there must be some kind of mistake."
"THE TRUTH IS, HUMAN, YOUR LOVE ECLIPSES HERS TENFOLD!"
"No, you're wrong! There's no way that's true!"
"Silence, you insolent pup! It is the truth. You took her in, gave her a purpose, gave her food, money, a goddamn mansion! You indulged her explosion fetish every single day, and always carried her back home."
"I'm sorry, but you've got the wrong idea about me. I only let Megumin join our party because she blackmailed me, and carrying her back after her daily explosion was just an excuse for me to feel her loli chest pressed against me."
"If that's really all there is to it, why did you bother to learn about explosions with her? Every day, you analyzed the quality of her explosion, until you came to understand her passion for them. What was in it for you?"
That was… a good point. I honestly didn't care about explosions at all, but I felt compelled to understand that part of Megumin. But that's not enough to be considered love, is it?
"You saved her village from destruction, too."
"Well, the crimson demons were never in any real trouble of being destroyed. Hell, I didn't really help with that at all, I just got roped into it."
"If you truly believe that, then think about this. When she came to you in her time of need, ready to abandon the path of explosions in order to please you, why did you tell her no? That's what you wanted, so why did you set her back on the path of explosions you found so troublesome?"
"I was just being-"
"No, you weren't just being nice. Human, though it has been brief, I can tell that you are not a nice person."
…..
"You did it because you cared about her. You did more that day than just save her village, you saved her spirit. You sacrificed your own happiness for hers. You love her, human."
"I really do love Megumin, then?"
"That's why you're afraid of going all the way. Not because you may not love her as much as she loves you, but the other way around. You're afraid that you love her too much. You love her so much, human, that it's tearing you apart."
"I love Megumin that much?"
"According to my scanners, yes."
"But all I've ever thought about is sex, I don't even know why I love her!"
"I assure you, human, that your love runs much deeper than such childish desires. You love love her. Go back to her, and take notice of all the little things she does to please you. Then you will understand why."
"To think Wiz had such a useful item at her shop, I might just purchase you."
"You fool. The only problem was just that the two of you weren't actually ready for sex when you thought you were. To think that you had made such a fuss over it, humans truly are inferior."
Then again, maybe not.
"Thank you for all your help, I mean it, thanks to you, I understand my relationship with Megumin clearly."
"No need to thank me, after all, I didn't help you for free."
"..."
What?
"Are you kidding me? There was a fee?"
"Not to worry, human, I've already taken my pay!"
Flipping the device to the back once more, I noticed some fine print at the bottom "Warnings and Side Effects: This device is powered by feelings of sexual turmoil, users may experience complete impotence for up to three months. Use with caution."
"WHAAAAAT?!"
"You wouldn't be using it anyway. I really don't understand humans, why are you so upset?"
"A machine like you wouldn't get it. I don't plan on keeping you, so what should I do with you for now?"
"I'll be entering sleep mode, just bring me back that pathetic Lich and Devil's shop of trinkets when you get the chance."
Slowly, the on light faded, and the sleep light turned on. Speaking of sleep, I didn't get a wink. I could see dawn slowly creeping over the horizon, dimly illuminated the clearing I had been in.
Say, hadn't I been here before? Something about this clearing seemed awfully familiar. I couldn't tell because it was too dark earlier, but is this some sort of important place? Looking down, I remembered the shallow impression in the ground I had been sitting and laying in. What was it about this that seemed so familiar? I feel like the answer is right in front of my face!
And that's when I saw it, a pair of old shoe prints in the dirt, not far from where I was. Sure enough, it was my shoe print. It's not wet enough to leave footprints today, so I must have come here before. Of course, I instantly knew where I was, and what this shallow imprint is from.
This is where Megumin and I come for her daily explosion ritual. Every day, right here. And I had been here, laying the dent she'd left behind in the ground when she'd fallen on it. Wanting to be comforted, did I subconsciously come to a place I associated with Megumin?
God, I really want to see her right now. Maybe that machine got me hyped up, but my heart is going fucking ballistic. I really want to see my girlfriend.
Shoving the Heart Divinator in my pocket, I raced out of the forest, high on love. I whipped into Wiz's shop and plopped the machine on her counter.
"K-kazuma?! Wait, Kazuma, you-!"
Wiz looked at me in horror for some reason, but I didn't want to do anything but be with Megumin right now. I left just as quickly as I entered, and booked it to the mansion.
On the steps to the front door, there she sat, petting chomusuke with an anxious expression on her face. I ran up and gave her a big hug.
"Kyaaaa! Some strange man is assaulting me! Get off me you creep!" She kicked me away. Not that I cared.
"Oh my god, Kazuma?!"
"Hey"
"KAZUMA? What happened to you? Oh no, you look like you're dying! D-darkness, get out here! Kazuma is hurt!"
"What the hell are you talking about, I'm totally fine!"
"How could you possibly say that? I was worried that you might have been in danger because you disappeared last night, but Darkness assured me I was just being paranoid! Who did this to you? I'll go blow them up!"
"Did what to me? What are you talking about? And if you blow someone up, you'll take the rest of the village out with them, so calm down."
"Megumin, what happened to Kazuma-AAAAAAAH!"
Darkness screamed as she gave me the same look Wiz did moments ago.
"Seriously, you too? What's wrong?"
"Kazuma, come with me."
…
"WHAT THE HEEEELLLL?"
I exclaimed as Darkness brought me before a mirror.
My eyes were completely bloodshot from crying, my clothes were charred black in a few places. But the most horrifying thing was that every single one of my veins was clearly visible beneath my skin. I looked like a freak.
"There's no doubt about it, this is the result of extreme lightning magic. Only that would leave those kinds of wounds."
"Who attacked you, Kazuma?"
"Calm down, you two. No one attacked me! It was some faulty item at Wiz's shop!"
"I see, so it was Wiz that hurt my precious Kazuma."
Megumin's eyes flared crimson, as she grabbed her magic staff.
"Stop, it's not like that, ok?"
"Well, whatever you say, Kazuma."
"Kazuma, I'll go look for an archpriest to heal you!"
Darkness ran out into the streets to find us a healer, since Aqua wasn't around anymore, leaving me and Megumin alone. Bashfully, she looked at me.
"So, have you thought about what you'll request from me?"
Confidently, I turned to her, and gave her my answer.
"Megumin, all I want is to keep being with you."
"Heh?"
Megumin looked at me as if I were a strange animal.
"W-what?"
"You're creeping me out, Kazuma. Normally, you would be jumping at the chance to make me do something depraved. Why are you being so kind and sensible, it's out of character."
Who does this girl think she is, saying it's out of character for her boyfriend to show her kindness? Whose house are you living in again, you damn loli?
"Sorry if it creeps you out, Megumin, but would you mind if I got serious with you for a moment."
She looked perplexed, but nodded.
"I've been thinking about us lately, and I'm starting to realize doing that sort of thing with someone you love - someone that you really love - is a bigger deal than I thought. Megumin, I really really love you, I never realized how much, but I seriously, really love you. I want to take our time and do things right. Basically, I want to slow things down a little, I mean we've never even kissed befo-"
Megumin gingerly placed her lips against mine, just for a brief moment, before pulling up next to my ear and whispering, "We can rain check that request of yours, then. Don't worry, Kazuma, you can take as much time as you need, because I really really love you too."
Her grin filled my retinas, open wide from surprise, and filled my heart too. I pulled her into a tighter embrace, and smiled back. I think this means things are gonna be ok between us.
"Wow, that was our first kiss, huh. Not bad."
Not bad at all.
The end, probably.