Bruce still isn't sure how it happened, why the filter between his brain and his mouth decided not to work in that specific, un-science related moment but he suspects the Other Guy had something to do with it. Of course he hadn't really been paying attention to his thoughts when it happened (his meditation practises really did wonders for that kind of thing) but once the words were out of his mouth, he couldn't exactly un-say them. Which meant the image they created when he realised what he said couldn't be unseen, no matter how much meditation he did or how hard he tried. And sweet Newton, did he try…
Now, that's not to say that Bruce didn't speak the truth as he saw it. He did. He just wished he didn't have the imagery to go with the truth, spring so easily to mind. After all, under all that sarcasm, charm and quick-wit, Tony could Mother Hen and Mother Bear with the best of them. Which took a while to get used to when one was both; not used to it and not expecting it from Tony. Steve, on the other hand, had enough "disappointed dad vibes" as Tony called them to put the entire team and then some to shame, including Clint who actually was a father. Steve's 'You-Know-Better Face' only got worse when he was in his Captain America uniform and made even the Other Guy shift uncomfortably. The two of them together when Tony was "clucking" and Steve was at his most puppy-eyed disappointed was almost too much for a fully grown Avenger to stand. Poor Peter had no hope.
Watching as Peter got told off for intervening in the latest Avenger showdown ("when you were specifically told to stay out of it!") like the errant schoolboy he truthfully was, Bruce couldn't help but feel the need to intervene. Bruce had been trying to cut down on his hypocrisy recently and while he had never jumped into super-powered fights at Peter's age, Steve, Clint and Natasha had all been into similarly deep trouble in their teens but without anyone to back them up, unlike Peter. Tony had also been building weapons for his company by that time rather than focusing on any schoolwork, so he didn't really have a leg to stand on there either. Taking another look at the stubborn but conflicted look on Peter's face that seemed to belly his silence, the scientist decided it was now or never. Heaving a sigh and pinching the bridge of his nose to ward off the headache that was bound to fester from the response to his input, Bruce opened his mouth.
"Give the kid a break Tony, he was only trying to help."
Tony rounded on Bruce, completely bypassing that fact this was his Science BroTM that was trying to reason with them, as he transitioned from 'clucking' Mother Hen to 'growling' Mother Bear.
"And he nearly got himself killed while he was at it!"
"It's not like you weren't doing the same thing, Tony," Bruce pointed out dryly, with bemusement.
"That's not the point!" Tony exclaimed, throwing up his hands in frustration.
Steve started shaking his head, in full agreement with Tony for once and more than a little surprised to be having this argument with Bruce. The frown on his brow deepened as he focused on the physicist as well.
"Tony's right. He shouldn't be jumping head-first into fights like-"
Bruce snorted, transitioning just as easily as Tony, from bemusement to amusement.
"You mean like you? If I recall correctly you were the same age as Peter when you first tried to enlist in the army. That's the best example I can currently think of for jumping in head-first. Look, not only is he much better equipped than either of you two at that age, but he has all the team looking out for him as well. On top of that, he has Tony's brains and your heart. In fact, if you guys magically had a kid together, Peter would probably be that kid."
Cue the stunningly awkward silence and muffled glee in the back of Bruce's mind that made him think the Other Guy was partially to blame for this.
Though to be fair, Tony and Steve's faces were worth quite a petty penny as entertaining pictures alone and that was before they had processed what exactly had been said. Peter's face was also very telling. It was scrunched up in consternation as if he had been told two people he knew in passing had sex on a regular basis (fact of life, one the teen could probably joke about) and was then told those people were his long lost parents (something very much in the realms of 'Ew, let's just pretend you stopped after having me and never speak of this again'). Then his expression turned more considering as he glanced between the two men in front of him and then around at the others in the room, as if he'd never thought of his heroes that way but now that he had, he was debating what he could get away with. His covert edging towards the balcony may have also indicated that he was going to use this awkward moment as his chance to escape. His movement caught Tony's eye which must have made something click back in place because the billionaire was turning with a fierce look on his face just as Peter made it to the open air.
"Don't even think-"
Peter grinned sheepishly;
"Sorry Mo- uh, Mister Stark, but I gotta go. I promised Ned I'd meet up with him for, uh, homework! Yeah. Plus we've got a test in a few days that we should really study for."
Steve had caught on at this point as well.
"Peter-"
The teen didn't give him a second, running to the lip of the balcony platform as he called over his shoulder; "And- and, it looks like you've got other things to talk about without me. Present a united front and all that. Talk to you later, bye!"
The silence that followed that exit wasn't as jarring as the original but it was still awkward. Gazing at the spot where Peter made his babbled leap to freedom, Bruce wondered if he was the only one considering following the kid's example by jumping off the balcony to avoid the current situation. A cough snort combo from behind him made Bruce think he probably was.
"Wow! And I thought the sex-talk with my kids was awkward! You actually ran him off. Made him jump out a window to be more specific!" Clint's voice was so gleeful, Bruce wondered if they should consider hanging tinsel in the archer's room because the festive season had clearly come early for him.
"Actually, I think that was Bruce. He did drop a bomb on the whole paternity thing there," Natasha commented slyly from beside the archer, side eying Bruce like a cat watching a mouse. Clint, bouncing on his toes with his gaze darting between all the people in the room like he wasn't sure who to thank first for this joyous occasion, giggled in response to the redhead's comment.
"Hehe, paternity."
"It does explain a lot though. The kid is very apple pie," Natasha stated solemnly, turning her attention from Bruce to openly observe Tony and Steve, both of whom were doing their best to silently ignore the two agents.
"Yeah, if he's anything like his dear old 'Captain Dad', he's not gonna get laid until he's at least sixty," snorted Clint, as he too turned to their quarry with an expression that was half derision, half pity.
Natasha could barely keep the smile off her face as Steve twitched but kept his silence at the comment. Her lips curling, she made a faux defence of the absent Peter.
"Hold on, we've clearly established he's got some Stark in him too. Even if it's just his brains, it'll even it out a bit. That is the roundabout way Stark got his lovers, after all."
Playing his part, Clint took a contemplative pose and conceded; "True, true, Stark's not much of an apple pie. He's not even close to being an edible pie. More of a whiskey, or a Scotch, maybe even a Brandy."
"Brandy," Natasha murmured with unholy glee brightening her gaze and turning her full attention to her partner in crime, she stated clearly.
"Brandy Apple Pie."
The archer's eyes began to glint with a similar light; "Yes. Just yes, I'll get right on it!"
Clint ran out of the room like he had stolen the last of Thor's Poptarts, which left Natasha to turn her hungry gaze on the remaining males in the room. Tony and Steve froze like the prey they were before their flight instincts took over. Steve was the lucky one to stutter mutter first.
"Tra-training. I think I'll head to the training room. Cool down a bit."
With Steve heading for the lift, Tony's options for solitary exits were significantly reduced. Without a word, he turned on his heel and headed for the balcony, pressing a button on his custom Rolex as he stepped out.
"Ohh, like father, like son," the assassin cooed, her voice rising to be heard as the billionaire got further away. "Or is it mother?"
Bruce would safely bet a significant amount of money that Tony would be working on a way to speed up the process of donning the Iron Man armour as soon as feasibly possible. Purely so he could take a running leap off the balcony should a situation like this ever arise again. And Bruce was sure it would, judging by the glow in Natasha's eyes, which were now focused on him.
"I know it wasn't intentional, but well done and thank you for that little show."
"So happy I could create and provide entertainment for you," the doctor stated dryly.
Natasha sighed with fondness; "Bruce, take my advice for once and just sit back and watch the fireworks. You're not in the middle of anything… this time."
"Ha! Maybe not now but as you so deftly pointed out, I'm the one who started this, so I doubt I'll get away so easily," Bruce pointed out, exasperated at just the thought of Tony's coming retribution. Steve may even facilitate the billionaire this time, or at least keep his silence if he saw anything.
"And that's why you should listen to me. Sit back, watch the fireworks and you'll get away scot-free," Natasha encouraged, resting a hand on his shoulder and leaning close.
"I always try and listen to you, Nat. Listening to you makes my life easier," Bruce stated factually, around the curling corners of his mouth. Natasha's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Makes your life easier, huh?"
The scientist allowed his smile to materialise properly, feeling comfortable enough now they were alone to express himself a bit more.
"That sounded better in my head but, uh, I wouldn't mind if my life was a little easier. I think I'd find it a little more enjoyable, if the way you make it easier for me is any indication."
The former Russian's eyes took on a slightly fonder glow; "Well, we have suddenly found ourselves in an empty penthouse, with company an unlikely thing for some time, so why don't we enjoy that while we can."
Bruce's smile was just as warm as her eyes.
"See, listening to you makes my life enjoyably easy. Now, if only I could get rid of the imagery my mind created for your entertainment."
Natasha's lips curved as her eyebrow rose.
"I'm sure we can come up with something to help you with that."
And spending an uninterrupted evening together certainly did help with the imagery, but the incident was far from forgotten. Jarvis was frequently asked if there were any images or videos of the 'Fathers/Son' conversation as it was now known as, and if any copies could be made for whatever reason happened to take the inquisitor's fancy. Jarvis was then frequently counter-ordered to delete any and all files of that conversation, .MOV, .TIFF or otherwise. Somehow, despite Jarvis' reassurances to his creator, there always seemed to be a copy somewhere whenever someone asked.
This carried on for some time until it all came to a head the day Clint walked into the penthouse carrying a gift, specially made for the Avengers team, from his wife.
Similarly to the last time this particular group was gathered, Peter was being lectured on keeping his nose out of 'serious' Avenger business. Bruce always wondered what Thor's opinion on Peter's assistance in their battles would be. Unfortunately, Thor had been stuck on Asgard dealing with a variety of issues that had cropped up in his absence. When he last contacted them, it sounded like he desperately wished to be finished his duties just to catch a break, if nothing else. Figuring she'd get a kick out of the idea, Bruce turned to Natasha to share his thoughts, only to find her thoroughly distracted. This was unusual in itself, considering every time Tony and Steve had started lecturing Peter since the 'Fathers/Son Incident', Natasha (and Clint) had taken great joy in teasing the elder Avengers about their parental skills. Peter, for all his hero-worship and loyalty to Tony, seemed to have new favourite team members. This time however, Natasha was being surprisingly unsubtle about her anticipation, glancing between the elevator doors and the disgruntled lecture that was still in progress. Bruce began to feel a sense of foreboding when the doors eventually pinged open and Clint hurriedly stepped out.
"Sorry I'm late! Laura called and said she finally perfected her latest recipe. She asked me to pick it up so you could all try it," the marksman explained with a subtle wink to Natasha that Bruce only noticed because he was looking for it.
"Is the kid still here? Oh good! Cap, Stark, shut up, grab an arm and get the kid over here! Laura wants feedback."
Bruce was amazed Steve and Tony even half listened to what Clint had ordered, each of them taking a hold of Peter's arms and guiding him after the rest of the group into the kitchen where Clint was rooting through cupboards and drawers for plates and cutlery. Having waved off Jarvis' offer of directions, Clint returned with his finds to the island counter they had gathered around at the centre of which, sat a cheerful looking pie dish topped with a decorative lid. Removing the lid with a flourish, the team were instantly hit with the warm, buttery smell of fleshly cooked pie.
Clint cut the pie into sections with a practised hand and doled out each slice onto each individual plate with little fanfare. Once the pie had been cut, the sweet smell of its filling wafting upwards in the delicate curls of steam, it was obvious it was some kind of autumnal fruit filling, like apple or pear. The only thing that had Bruce doubting his assessment was the colour. Rather than the usual light, lemony colour of the juicy syrup surrounding the soft chunks of fruit, the filling seemed to be closer to the darker shade of honey or maple. A few more experimental sniffs let Bruce know that while it was definitely a sweet filling, whatever the fruit was, had been mixed with something that had a strong after taste. Clint gave a vague explanation as he handed out the plates.
"So Laura is a pro at making apple pie, its Lila's favourite. But she's been trying to mix it up a bit and add new flavours recently. She says its so the flavour doesn't get boring or something but I think it might be her getting bored with making it. Anyway, I volunteered us as willing guinea pigs because it'll put you all in the good books. Which puts me in the good books."
Tony made a token effort to avoid the home-cooked desert by opening his mouth but quickly compromised at Clint's hard stare and the slimmest slice of pie to ever grace the Avenger kitchen. There was a moment of silence as everyone focused solely on digging into the newest Barton bake and allowing all the flavours to envelope their taste buds. The sound of forks scraping plates and little hums of pleasure at the treat filled the air until Clint asked the all-important question.
"So? What d'ya think?"
Bruce knew from the moment he saw the pie that this was a trap. As he was fairly certain that it wasn't a trap for him though, he let the memory of Natasha's voice fill his mind as he sat back to watch the fireworks, letting out another little hum of pleasure to answer Clint's question. Never to be out done, Natasha let her eyes close as she gave a quiet, delighted moan around her fork. The assassin seemed to wake from her food induced daze as the fork glided from her closed lips to reach for more pie on her plate, only to realise her slice was half gone. She looked over to Bruce's slightly more intact slice before catching said Doctor's gaze with a playful expression. Feeling playful himself, Bruce shielded his plate from her with his arm and stuck another forkful of pie in his mouth.
Clint snorted at the display.
"Well you're clearly enjoying yourselves and completely useless to me. What about you guys? What do you think, Cap? Stark?"
Bruce side-eyed the two other teammates, noticing that they both looked mildly surprised at, what the doctor could only guess was, the taste of their dessert. Neither of them were finished their slices but both were eyeing the rest of the dish with serious consideration. This wasn't unusual for Steve, who had a thing for sweet treats but tended to savour them in memory of all the times he went without. Tony, on the other hand, preferred foods he could pick at rather than have to sit down and eat. So while it was pretty par for the course for the scientist to still have food on his plate, it was surprising that he seemed to be looking for more.
"I'll admit it, Legolas. That lovely lady of yours might've just made the only apple pie I like" Tony rattled off before back tracking a bit. "Maybe. Still not a fan of the sweet American generic. But this has a kick to it."
Steve was nodding beside him contemplatively, his focus back on his plate as he broke off another piece of his dessert with his fork.
"It's definitely not generic. It's really very good. There's a sharpness in it I wasn't sure about but whatever it is really does balance out the sweetness of the apples well."
Natasha's fork screeched across her plate and she hurriedly it up to her mouth, giving her an excuse not to do anything except hum around her pie. If someone was going to comment on her uncharacteristic clumsiness, she was saved from the indignity by Peter.
"Uh, Mr. Barton? Can I have some more, please?"
Clint rolled his eyes at the kid's manners; "Kid, how many times do I have to tell you to call me- Did you lick that plate clean?"
Six sets of eyes looked down at the plate being offered up for a refill in the teenager's hands. It would've looked like it had just come out of the cupboard, if it weren't for the slight, uneven shine over the surface of it. Peter looked up and slightly to the left of the archer's gaze.
"No."
While the rest of the team snorted into what was left of their slices, Clint smirked knowingly at their youngest unofficial Avenger.
"I'll cut you another piece while you tell me what you think. Laura wants feedback remember?"
"Oh, right! It's awesome! There's a taste of something brings out the sweetness in the apple filling and makes it richer. But then it's like the sweetness makes the tanginess of the other flavour last longer!"
Bruce gets up with his plate to get a glass of water. He hasn't choked at the description but it's a near thing. Sighing in relief as he sits back down, he places the glass between himself and Natasha. He may not share his pie, but will share his relief. He settles just in time to hear Peter's question.
"It really is delicious. What type of apple pie is it?"
Even if his red-headed companion hadn't placed a subtle hand on his arm, Bruce still wouldn't have put anything near his mouth. Not only was he curious about the answer himself but he also knew that if the pie was a trap, this was the moment it snapped shut.
Clint paused for a moment, seeming to gather his composure. His completely casual, nonchalant expression was given away by his gleefully glinting eyes. He kept a completely straight face as he answered Peter.
"Brandy Apple Pie."
Steve and Tony immediately started heaving great hacking coughs, as they tried to clear their last bite of pie from their windpipes. Natasha and Bruce reached for the glass at the same time and as their hands brushed, both used that as the excuse for the growing grins on their faces. Bruce waved his hand for the assassin to take the glass as she was want to while he busied himself with his last few bites of Brandy Apple. Like Tony, he might just have a new favourite flavour. He glanced up to see Peter looking bizarrely between Steve and Tony's reddening, wheezing faces as the teenager asked;
"Can you ask Mrs. Barton to make it again?"
Clint finally allowed himself to laugh with a broad grin.
"Oh don't you worry, kid. I'll make sure she does!"
I have no idea if there is a recipe out there for 'Brandy Apple Pie' but if there is, can someone send it along?
I've got myself curious now...
I hope you enjoyed this! Let me know if you see any mistakes or corrections...