Letters, Love and Envy

A/N: Just to clarify, Sirius is barely 15, and in his 4th year at Hogwarts.

Story Title: Letters, Love and Envy

School and Theme: Hogwarts, Madam Puddifoot (romance)

Main Prompt: (Genre) Romance

Additional Prompts: (Any Pairing) Sirius/Marlene

Special Rule: Incorporate the colour green and the meaning behind it in your story: Envy

Year: 6

Wordcount: 3030 (10% leeway)

Gryffindor Dormitory – early November – 1974

Sirius ran his finger along the top of the bedside-cabinet, feeling the smooth grain of the wood, the small scratches made from candle-holders and the mysterious lack of dust. Odd. Sirius had never dusted anything before, so why was there nothing there? There were so many mysteries in this place. Even though James's invisibility cloak was still tucked safely under the loose floorboard, and even though the Marauder's map was hidden in Remus's top draw, Sirius still itched to explore the castle. Or run away, though he wasn't sure what from. Outside, the moonlight shimmered down into the dorm. The walls were covered in splotches of silver and darkness. Everyone was asleep, except Sirius. He envied his friends, sometimes.

A piece of parchment sat on his bed, the stark whiteness covered by spidery writing. The wax seal was broken in half, the 'Toujours pur' cut in two. It was from Sirius's mother.

There was a ball on during the winter break, a few days before Christmas. Not that the Black family ever celebrated Christmas. Sirius wouldn't have minded too much if it was just a ball since most of the time he'd just hang at the edges eating food and talking to Andromeda. Except it wasn't just a ball. Apparently, Sirius's mother wanted him to meet a few pureblood girls, see if she could force an alliance between two houses. Sirius knew what she meant. An arranged marriage. Not now, of course — he was fifteen — but probably as soon as Sirius got out of Hogwarts. Every time he thought of it, his stomach tied itself in knots. He didn't even want to marry anyone. Merlin, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life. If his mother made him a match at the ball, Sirius knew he would never be able to escape whatever future they planned out for him.

His mind flitted back to Marlene McKinnon. They'd gone to Hogsmeade together a month ago, chatted for a while in the Three Broomsticks. It hadn't been a date — but she'd asked if he wanted to meet up again the next Hogsmeade weekend, and he'd said yes. Sirius liked her, he'd realized. She wasn't stuck up like Evans, or annoying like McDonald.

But now his life was falling to pieces around him, and he had no say in anything. Liking Marlene McKinnon was only going to cause him pain.

Sirius wanted to rage and yell at the injustice of everything. Why did everyone else get to fall in love or get married when they wanted to? Why was Sirius always the one restricted by his family? The wind whispered past the dormitory window, but it provided Sirius with no answer.

Hogsmeade – late November – 1974

Sirius pulled his Gryffindor scarf closer around his neck, hiding his nose deep in the knitted wool. The snowflakes were melting on his shoulders, creating little cold spots that made him shiver. It was almost picturesque, Sirius noted, glaring at the snow-laden rooves of Hogsmeade. Stupid winter. Stupid people, huddling closer together as they walked down the street. Stupid shops, all bright and shiny. Why couldn't things be dull here for a change?

He was waiting for Marlene (they were supposed to meet up around here), and to his annoyance not one of his friends took the hint and left him alone. Sirius wished he hadn't agreed to walk around Hogsmeade with her now. He liked Marlene, but he wasn't supposed to. Sirius, the heir to the Black family, was supposed to fall in love with some Pureblood. The whole thing was too confusing. What was the point of liking someone if it would just lead to pain? Sirius would rather waste his time staring angrily into the Gryffindor fire. He didn't feel like talking to anyone today.

At least Sirius wasn't the only one not enjoying himself. James scowled at the world in general, scuffing his feet as he slumped by a building. Lily Evans had rejected his request to go out with him once again. Sirius wasn't surprised.

Remus peered through shop windows, his hands cupped around his face to ward off the cold. Peter was hanging around him, yattering on about something or other. Why did they get to be happy? Why did they get to fall in love? Even James, sulking moodily, was allowed to fall in love. Not Sirius. Never Sirius. He had to marry someone he didn't even care about.

"Hey, guys! Take a look at this, will you?" Remus waved them over. Sirius trudged over, not caring that he wasn't standing up straight, or that he was showing 'bad manners'.

The snowflakes fluttered down on them, quietly melting.

"Hey, is that Michael Wilson and Mary McDonald?" Remus's attention abruptly spun away from the shop window and towards the conspicuous pair walking down the street. "Urgh, look. They're kissing."

Sirius bent his shoulders a bit more, huddling towards the ground in his anger and the injustice of it all. They were kissing. Great. Good for them.

Snow sunk into the hem of his robes. Peter was uninterested in talking unless someone else was, James was moody, and Sirius was content with glaring at nothing. Why did it have to be so bloody cold?

Remus cleared his throat awkwardly, looking down at his feet.

"Hiya!"

All four of them jumped, their heads jerking upwards as their hands reached for their wands. Marlene McKinnon grinned mercilessly.

"Twitchy lot, aren't you? Wouldn't have expected that from a bunch of pranksters, but you never know."

James sunk, if it was possible, even further into the icy slush, his scowl covering most of his face. Marlene's laughing eyes landed on Sirius. Brown eyes met cold grey ones, picking each other out between the falling snow. Marlene's red and gold Gryffindor scarf suited her perfectly, Sirius noted absentmindedly.

"Hey, Sirius."

"Hey, Marlene."

Suddenly, Marlene coughed, looking awkward, and the connection was lost. The world snapped back into normality. Remus sniggered in the background. With a disgusted glare, Marlene wrapped one gloved hand around Sirius's and tugged him down the street. Sirius's stomach twisted into even more knots.

"So, d'you want to go anywhere in particular?" Marlene asked when they were far enough away from the muffled laughter of Remus and Peter.

"I'd just rather walk around if you don't mind."

"Oh. Cool."

Sirius bent his head against the chill, and off they walked. He wasn't sure where they were going. He wasn't even really concentrating. Marlene just talked, and he nodded along. How much of his life would his parents manipulate? Once the Blacks had allied themselves to yet another powerful pureblood family, how different would Sirius's life be? How would his Mother react if she found out Sirius liked Marlene McKinnon?

"Oh, no—"

Sirius was pulled back to reality by the disgust emanating from Marlene.

"What?"

"It's that bloody teashop."

Sirius looked up and — distracted by the cold and his misery — didn't immediately see what the problem was. Madam Puddifoot's tea shop was bright pink, and certainly garish, so he supposed that was what was so offensive—then he noticed the people. Even though the windows were fogged from the chill outside and the warmth inside, the sheets of glass were still see-through. Couples were crowded in like love-stricken sardines. Sirius couldn't see one pair who weren't holding hands, or kissing, or—Merlin's gnarled left knee-cap—eating each other's face off.

Sirius felt like he'd been punched in the gut. Sure, he'd rather go on a date to some Muggle 'cinema' or whatever it was called, but it was as if the world was taunting him. Why, of all times, did he end up walking down this stupid little street now? It was unfair! Why was Sirius—blessed with good looks, good grades and a substantial amount of money—unable to have freedom in his love-life? Why were stuck-up students allowed to snog people without the constant burden of flippin' family tradition on their stupid stuck-up shoulders? It was idiotic, annoying and crazy—

Sirius felt the envy boil up inside him.

He dug his fingers into the snow and hurled a ball of it at the teashop. The snow-ball flew through the air, speeding towards the window-pane and exploded with a barely-audible thump. Sirius watched as it quietly fell down the window, just like the pieces of Sirius's life. No one in the shop noticed; they didn't so much as glance up. The coldness of winter bit into Sirius's skin.

"Sirius!" Marlene was still behind him, Sirius remembered. "What— you just threw a snow-ball at a tea shop!"

"I know."

"That could have broken the glass!"

"I know."

"What the he—. Hey—wait—what's up? Where are you going?"

Past the Christmas card houses, down the slippery cobbled streets, he ran. Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets, not that it did much. The sound of students' laughter sounded muffled to his ears. He just wanted to get away from everyone; he wanted to get away from anyone who was still happy, and definitely that bloody teashop.

A wand thrust under his nose and someone pushed him backwards. It was Marlene. Sirius hadn't even realized that she'd followed him.

"You can't just run off like that!"

Sirius stared across at her. They were both angry—her at him, and he at the world. It was evident in their eyes.

"Not without an explanation! You've been sulky all day! It's a bloody Hogsmeade weekend, and I won't have you ruin it for me!" Marlene crossed her arms, tapping her foot. Wisps of brown hair danced in the wind. Sirius gulped.

"My mother is trying to marry me off," he said at last. Sirius's voice was muffled because of the scarf and the snow, so at first, he wasn't sure she'd even heard him.

Marlene blinked.

"Marry you off?" Then realisation dawned on her face. "Oh—Merlin, it's that insane Slytherin Pureblood mania again, isn't it?"

Suddenly the anger and hatred and envy built up until Sirius couldn't stand it anymore. He told Marlene about everything, about his stupid house and his stupid family and the stupid ball.

After a time, Sirius no longer felt the need to destroy the snow-laden roofs and the glittering wares in shop windows that affronted him so much. The world still mocked him, but maybe he could deal with that. What he couldn't deal with was being married off just to respect family tradition.

It was all too confusing. The threat of disownment by his family was heavy in his mind. Sirius didn't know what to do. Maybe he could just run away from it all. Heck, he was barely fifteen. Why was life so complicated?

"You don't have to go to the ball, you know," Marlene said, at last accurately guessing what he was thinking about. "If you don't want your parents to control you, don't let them."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

"Yeah, and get hexed within an inch of my life? They're dark wizards, Marlene—"

"You don't think I know that? It's no secret, Sirius. You're a Gryffindor, you already made it known how different you are from your family. Just don't go to the bloody dance."

Sirius thought of the curses his parents directed at him when he disobeyed their rules and wondered if it would be worth it.

They stood on the side of the street for some time. The snow-fall had gotten lighter, though it was still freezing.

A few minutes later, Lily ran around the corner, bits of red hair flying out from under her hat. Surprisingly, James was nowhere in sight.

"Marlene! I've been looking for you for ages! I'm freezing, do you want to go back to the castle? Come on—it's much too cold out here." Lily spun on her heel and finally noticed Sirius. Her face dropped into a scowl. "Hello, Black."

"Hello, Evans."

She narrowed her eyes and ignored him, turning back to her friend.

"Marlene, please? It's warmer up at the castle."

In the end, Marlene was dragged away by Lily, but just before they reached the end of the street, Marlene ran back.

"Goodbye," she whispered, and suddenly kissed Sirius on the cheek.

He blinked, stumped, and then Marlene was gone — gone into the swirling whiteness. The biting cold; the feeling of snow soaking into his boots, and the confusion enveloping his mind all returned. He kicked the ground. His happiness hadn't even lasted an hour.

Gryffindor Dormitory – April – 1975

The letter lay under Sirius's bed for the next several months. At first, it was because he hated the sight of it, but by the time April rolled around, it had been forgotten completely.

Sirius scrambled around the dormitory, searching for a bunch of Dung-Bombs he had left somewhere and lost. Sirius looked in the tiny dustless crevices of the room, the loose floorboard underneath James's bed, he even double-checked his bedside-cabinet. Tucking a loose strand of black hair behind his ear, he pulled out every box, every trunk stuffed hastily underneath his bed. That was when it fluttered down from the space it had been jammed in, its once white surface now slightly dotted with yellowed spots.

The coloured wax had seeped into the parchment. Sirius blinked, tried to stand up and promptly hit his head on the underside of the bed. Once he had stopped swearing, he shuffled out into the open and flicked the wax away. His mother's aristocratic handwriting greeted him. Sirius imagined her lips thinning as she wrote and the icy glare she directed at the words. He could hear her screeching in the back of his mind as she wrote, each quill stroke was like sharp little points of hatred.

The winter holidays had long gone, but the memories had not. Sirius hadn't gone to the ball that night, and in an act of outright defiance, shut himself up in his room by using all the door-locking charms he knew. His mother had been furious; her anger culminating in a myriad of curses and hexes. It had been a chore to get through the week. The scars hadn't faded at all.

Sirius glared at the parchment, the edges of it crumpling in his fists. He could feel the resentment building up inside him. Why him? Why was Sirius lumbered with an insane family? Why couldn't he be like his friends, who didn't have to deal with arranged marriages and ridiculous family traditions?

Sirius glared at the floorboards. James didn't realise how lucky he was. James, who was forever staring after Lily Evans, complaining when she never wanted to go out with him. So what? James wasn't bound by the backwards wishes of his own family! Even Remus could still get a girlfriend as long as he never blurted out what he was. It wasn't like his 'furry little problem' had to affect every part of his life. And Peter. He was good at charms, and Sirius knew for a fact that one of the Hufflepuffs girls had mentioned that Peter was cute.

All three of his friends complained about their love lives, but it wasn't like their parents kept threatening to throw them out if they refused to marry a Slytherin Pureblood. No one gave a thought to Sirius. Out of all of them, James knew the most about how Pureblood mania might affect his friend. But did James ever ask? No. All James did was get grumpy when Lily refused to go out with him.

And then there was Marlene. Marlene, who Sirius had kissed not two months ago. Why did no-one else have to worry about being in love? Why was Sirius the only one constantly being controlled by his family? It was so unfair!

Sirius looked back at the pile of stuff he'd pulled out from under his bed. A small photograph lay on the top. It was of all four of them; Sirius, James, Remus and Peter. Sirius blinked and shook his head. What was he doing? How could he think so horribly of his friends? Sirius had seen the dismal look on James's face when Lily ignored him. He knew how much Remus's self-confidence was affected by his condition. Peter was always worrying over his poor grades. Not to mention that most people didn't hold the same view as the Hufflepuff girls Sirius had overheard.

There came a knock at the door.

"Sirius? Did you find the Dung-Bombs?" It was Remus. "Davey Gudgeon is about two minutes away. You better be quick."

Sirius glanced down at the letter in his hand and slowly closed his fist. The parchment creased, little tears appearing at the edges. The words suddenly seemed meaningless. This had been written months ago, the ball was long gone. Sirius's mouth twitched upwards. Who said he had to do exactly what his mother told him? He was a Gryffindor, wasn't he?

"Hey, Sirius? Oh Merlin, tell me you haven't died in there."

"Yeah. I'm coming. Just a sec."

Ignoring the clutter and the mess — not that that was unusual anyway — Sirius opened the dormitory door, brushing past Remus and walking down the staircase.

"Did you find the Dung-Bombs?" Remus's voice echoed after him.

Sirius stepped into the common room, empty but for a few older students, James and Peter, who were sitting by the fireplace looking agitated.

James stood up from his seat in the armchair, firelight reflecting off his glasses.

"Did you find the Dung-Bombs?"

"No. I've got something more important to do right now."

"Davey Gudgeon is less than one minute away! How can anything be more important than — what're you doing?"

Sirius crouched in front of the fire, holding the letter over it, feeling the ferocious heat with a sense of grim satisfaction. Without any guilt at all, he dropped his Mother's letter in. The fire ate it up hungrily, coating it all in orange flames, gnawing on the edges until they turned to ash. The spiky handwriting dissolved into nothing. It was gone, it was over. Sirius was no longer a prisoner.

"What's that?" Peter bent quietly next to Sirius, looking curiously into the fire.

Sirius grinned.

"My mother."