If you could turn back time, what changes would you make? Study music, art, literature perhaps? And, accepting that you can't go back, when faced with the possibility of changing your future, what choices would you make then?
Han Solo knows where he would like his future to lie. Now all he has to do is convince his wife it's a good idea.
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"Thank you for this Winter." Leia smiled gratefully at her friend.
Neither she nor Han had got much sleep the night before. Both had been preoccupied with concerns over the future of their six year old who had been found safe and well after hours of searching since walking out of school the day before, as well as thoughts about their own future together.
"It's my pleasure Your Highness. Jorj and I are going to have tremendous fun." Winter assured Leia.
"He's had breakfast, waffles with all the trimmings even though I specifically said 'no chocolate spread'." Leia said, adding a scowl in Han's direction. "So no ice cream. And no park."
"But Mama!" Jorj moaned.
"No ice cream and no park, young man!" Leia repeated. "You're away from school while an issue is resolved not as a reward for running away."
The boy shuffled his feet and refused to kiss his mother goodbye. Winter smiled her understanding and left with the child gripping her hand tightly.
"You know, if your Dad had taught him how to scavenge last night Jorj wouldn't have been half starved this morning then I wouldn't have felt sorry for him and made him waffles." Han mumbled from the dining table.
Leia retook her seat opposite Han, her face set firm.
"I said no chocolate spread." She reminded him.
"The kid's sorry Ley, what you gonna do, withdraw chocolate privileges until he's twelve?" He asked sarcastically.
"Maybe! If that's what it takes to make him realise what he did was wrong." She countered and straightened in her chair. "But that isn't what I want to talk about."
Han looked up at her from beneath his lashes, the steam from his caf wisping before his face.
"Last night you made a declaration of intent and I was hoping we might talk about that." She said.
"A 'declaration of intent'!" Han laughed and sat back. "Hey, it's me, you're not on the Senate floor now sweetheart."
Leia closed her eyes while she took a breath and silently cursed herself.
"And that was my point." Han said, sitting forward again to hug his caf mug. "You're not on the Senate floor now. And we don't have to live here any more either. Isn't there somewhere, anywhere, you could see as your home? Somewhere that isn't here I mean."
Leia's features softened. "Alderaan." She breathed.
"How 'bout somewhere that isn't a pile of ashes." He suggested sarcastically.
Leia's stony expression hit him hard and he held his hands up in submission.
"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I'm just not real good at doing this kinda thing." He apologised, running a hand through his hair.
"Admitting your feelings can be hard, but ultimately rewarding." Leia's smile softened her face again, recalling her own reward for confessing her love for Han all those years ago.
Han sighed, thinking how best to approach what he wanted to say. "You asked me if I could be happy, if this was what I wanted. And it was." He said, adding. "Back then."
The coldness she'd felt the night before returned to chill the pit of Leia's stomach.
"Back then. But not now?" She queried.
"Don't put words in my mouth, Ley." He admonished with a shake of his head. "What I did, I did willingly. I saw how important it was for you to see the Empire replaced by an honest and just regime and how hard you were prepared to work in order to see that vision come to fruition. And it made sense to make Coruscant our home."
"The planet welcomed Alderaanian refugees. Reluctantly at first, I think, but for us it was at least somewhere to call home when home no longer existed." She commented, sipping at her stim tea.
"For me, it was like being stuck in a Rancor pit! Full of Rancors!" He noted.
"For me also, at times. I was on the Senate floor remember." She gave him a wry smile.
"I felt...I feel claustrophobic. Confined. Closeted. Like I can't breathe. This planet...it's just too stifling." He explained.
"I understand." Leia said quietly, reaching forward to cover his hand with hers. "You're a free spirit. You always were. But you're not as young as you used to be and that shows in the way you've taken a step back from the business."
"Too many dislocated shoulders." Han rolled his eyes. "The spinal disc compressions haven't helped either."
"My poor ageing scoundrel!" She teased, lightheartedly.
"That damn 'speeder crash was the final straw." He admitted sadly. "I just can't do it any more. Not on my own. 'Course if Chewie hadn't gone and gotten himself killed..."
Leia squeezed his hand beneath her own and Han sighed.
"I'm not suggesting we pack up and move this afternoon." He said. "But the reality is I can't stand this planet any longer. Jacen has his own plans for the future, plans which don't include running freight. Jaina's got a family of her own now and I know how much you're gonna wanna stick around and watch her grow but, you know, it's not like wherever we went we couldn't come back from time to time. As for Jorj, well Coruscant isn't the only planet in the Galaxy with good schools you know."
He paused, watching her as she absorbed his words.
"All our friends..." She mused, thinking of those she would miss.
"Would want us to follow our dreams." Han finished.
Leia looked up at him, remembering her thoughts from the night before. How Han had given up so much to allow her to follow her dreams.
"Tell me." She breathed.
"It's nothing." He shook his head dismissively.
"It's not nothing Han. Please, tell me." She pressed.
He paused again, getting his thoughts in order before continuing.
"When I was a kid all I wanted was for my Dad to stop hitting my Mom. Then when my Dad was gone, all I wanted was to get outta that crummy place and fly the stars. Couple of bad breaks was all it took for me to end up in so much hock to Jabba I shoulda just stayed on Corellia! Then I took that job for the kid and the old man and the next thing I'm up to my gonads in Rebel Alliance. Although you were a part of that, so I guess it wasn't all bad." He grinned and Leia tried not to blush with embarrassment. "I don't know what I figured would happen after the Empire had fallen, but all of a sudden and outta nowhere that's exactly what happened. You were kinda swept up in the whole New Republic thing and I got left with a choice to make; I could stick around, be your...whatever..." He hated the word 'consort' though they had both been forced to accept that was the way many saw him. "Or I could leave, fly off somewhere to be...whatever. At least with your 'whatever' I got three meals a day and a comfy bed to sleep in at night."
He grinned again. Even in a serious conversation he couldn't act seriously.
"I don't regret a second of that decision." He assured her. "I'm just saying that things have changed now. And maybe it's time for us to make a change too. While we still can."
He waited for her response.
And waited.
And waited.
Then he said. "That's where you tell me to stop acting like an asshole and go grow a pair; that I got responsibilities here that aint gonna go away just because I got some mid-life crisis going on. You know that, right?"
"You haven't actually told me what it is you want to do. Where it is you want to go." She stated, quite calmly.
Han leaned back, cradling his head against the hands he had interlaced behind his neck.
"When I was that kid, desperate to get off Corellia, I looked up into the sky and all I could see was me racing through the stars. That's what I wanted to be, a racer." His face wore a dreamy, far away gleam. The look faded and his gaze returned to his wife. "Now I may be a lotta things Leia, but I aint stupid. I know I'm past my racer days. But I could train pilots, sponsor races maybe. The name 'Han Solo' still carries a little weight. In some parts of the Galaxy at least."
He waited again for her response.
Again nothing was forthcoming.
"Stop being an asshole? Grow a pair? Responsibilities?" He prompted with a wry smile.
"'Where do you see yourself taking on this new venture?" She asked.
"Well, the 'where's' still open for discussion." He replied. "There are races across the Galaxy. The best are probably closer to the Outer Rim, but we could base ourselves pretty much anywhere. Yavin...Tatooine...Jaaku..."
"That junk yard?" Leia scoffed.
"I'm just saying..." He shrugged. "Anywhere."
He couldn't read her face. Too many years on the Senate floor had given her an innate ability to mask her true emotions behind a neutral facade.
"So. What do you think?" He finally asked.
"You're prepared to wind up the business? Mothball the Falcon?" She queried.
"Well, I was thinking, to start with at least we could make the Falcon our home." He suggested.
"The Falcon!" She exclaimed. "The two of us? Alone? On the Falcon?"
"We've done it before." He answered.
"No. We've travelled from one place to another in her. We've transported the kids and freight and even passengers from time to time, but we've never, ever, used her as a home base." Leia pointed out.
"So?" He asked.
"So...the two of us in a confined space for an extended period of time? One of us will end up with a Lucas wrench buried in the back of his head!" She warned.
"Could be kinda...fun." His grin returned, along with the twinkle in his eye.
It had been a while since Leia had seen him like that. It made him look younger. Even if the reality was different.
"I mean..." His grin broadened and that twinkle flashed mischief. "We did always manage to make a little fun whenever we found ourselves cooped up on the old girl."
"And the business?" She queried.
"There's a few contracts I'd have to honour." Han scratched his cheek, deep in thought. "In terms of timescale I'm thinking six months oughta do it. By then, Jaina should be thinking of getting little Lei into day care and Jag will have completed his rehab and should be back to full strength. Pretty much at least."
"You're going to ask Jaina to take it on." Leia guessed.
"Jacen's not interested." He ran a hand over his head. "I'd kinda like the business to stay in the family. They'd need new transport of course and I'd help 'em with that. Maybe see if Lando's got something suitable. Then later, when he's older, perhaps Jorj could help 'em out too. Make it a real family affair."
"You've certainly given this some thought." Leia noted.
"There's probably a couple of kinks to flatten out but, yeah, I've tried to cover all the bases." He hoped he didn't sound too proud.
"One obvious one." Leia said, rising with her empty tea cup in her hands. "I'm not going."