Kanroji Mitsuri was, by all accounts, an incredible woman.
She diligently tutored teens in art on the weekends out of the kindness of her heart. She loved everything sweet, both her food and her media. She often cried over cute animal videos. She even harbored an endless adoration for life and the people in it. Her enemies were few, and her heart was incredibly large.
On paper, she was wonderful. And she was Shinobu's target.
How can someone want you dead in such an elaborate fashion? She thought, irritated but refusing to show it. How bothersome~
"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Kanroji-san." Shinobu said aloud. "I must say, you looking better than your photos surprises me. I thought you might be a catfish of some sort."
"Really?! B-But I thought my looks were distinctive!" Kanroji squeaked. There was no reasonable doubt to say otherwise, but her clear anxiety could be seen as endearing by a less cold individual. Instead, Shinobu observed her worry and had to suppress a real laugh.
"Oh, they are!" She assured. "I'll be able to easily pick you out of a crowd if we get separated at a mall."
Her date giggled at the mental image. "You're a funny person, Kochou-chan! Can I call you that?"
As she braced herself for a long afternoon of insipid conversation, the assassin smiled. "Why, Kanroji-san, you can do whatever you'd like."
Kochou Shinobu was, by all accounts, a terrible woman.
Most girls like her took their anger and wielded it to brilliant effect. She used to be the type when she was younger. Most girls with her interests went into pharmacy, got married, and lived tempestuous lives only behind closed doors. She wished she could say the same.
Instead, when her older sister died and left her homeless with a child to provide for, Shinobu turned to killing.
Poison, unlike people, was uncomplicated. Poison didn't send blank, annoying stares your way and expect you to decipher them with ease. Her art made sense. And, just to seal the deal, she only used it on people even Kanae wouldn't approve of.
"This mission doesn't fit my modus operandi." She mentioned the moment she finished reading Kanroji's file. "Are you trying to alienate me now, Giyuu? You're terrible."
"The client requested your services in particular. Also, I'm a good person." Giyuu, damn him, didn't react at all to her taunts on the outside.
Shinobu did what she did best and laughed. "Good people don't kill other people, Giyuu. We're both awful, but at least I have standards. I refuse to kill someone who hasn't harmed other people."
Giyuu nodded. For a moment, she assumed it was a good thing. "Don't worry. The client has gone through extreme emotional duress. That's emotional harm. You're doing this. Follow the instructions please."
"Ah, Giyuu… This is why no one likes you."
And that was how Shinobu ended up 'dating' the heartbreaker herself. Date her. The instructions said. Make it last for 4 months, right until you poison her stupid ass.
She felt lucky clients remained anonymous, or she'd be taking them out and running with the money. That certainly wouldn't be professional at all, now would it.
Pretending to be someone else wasn't the difficult part. In fact, all she ever really did was distort the truth with well-crafted lies and let those around her do the rest of the work on their own. No, the issue was her guilt. Kanroji wasn't bad.
Whenever they'd meet, she always brought along little gifts for herself and Kanao, but not even to buy their love; she just liked showing her affection that way. "Look at what Nezuko did! I'm so proud!" was a common line of dialogue before her mochi-themed phone would get shoved in Shinobu's face to properly show off her student's latest piece of artwork. Their outings checked off cliche after cliche from romance novels and films alike. Taking her seriously took some work in the beginning, but her sincerity was abundantly clear by now. Awkward? Yes. But horrendous? No.
Kanroji wasn't bad, and Shinobu was going to have to kill her for an absurdly petty reason or pay the price.
Still, she was a professional. Her sister's safety meant the world to her. Once the day comes, she mused as she wiped away crumbs from the corner of her target's mouth, I'll be sure to make it quick and painless for you. It's the least I can do for you, you poor soul.
There was no room in her heart for anything - or anyone - else.
4 months came and went, but Mitsuri didn't die.
It wasn't because Shinobu suddenly felt soft on her. She didn't. Now that they actually lived together, Kanao included, she felt more and more urgency to take care of business and move on. Every morning, she handed over a cup filled to the brim with toxic tea. Every morning, the smiling artist drank it. And every morning, Mitsuri defied death.
Giyuu would probably blame her for starting small, but old habits died hard. Shinobu usually began with miniscule amounts, enough to not leave a trace, before gradually worsening her target's health until they could hardly live anymore. Here, she knew she didn't need to do so, but followed her old routine for the sake of familiarity.
Unfortunately, it didn't work; Mitsuri remained pink and powerful. So she admittedly got a little desperate.
Rat poison. Arsenic. Cyanide. She conjured up foul tonics, dressed them up in a neat little bow, and handed them over. Mitsuri downed them all without complaint. "Your care's so empowering, Shinobu-chan!" She said once before tenderly kissing her own killer's nose. It made her want to vomit.
Why won't you die? She'd think late at night, staring at how odd the other woman's sleeping face looked in the dark. Why can't I snuff your flame out?
Shinobu wished she could hate her. Instead, she found herself despising her own commitment to her job and family. How unfair to slit the throat of someone who wiped away her sister's tears during the fateful anniversary. How unfair to rob countless others from experiencing a true light on earth.
She didn't love Mitsuri. Her heart couldn't remember how that sort of emotion felt when cast in a romantic manner. But she couldn't stay away. Mitsuri was the sun and she the bitter Mercury, orbiting far too close.
Kanao only commented on the matter once, but once was enough. "Will we have to fake our own deaths?" She asked softly while they were out shopping together. "She makes you happy. Are we all going to start over?"
"... Sorry, Kanao." Shinobu felt like her stomach was trying to eat itself from shame. "You and I both know that won't be happening." And she doesn't make me happy.
The very next day, as if to prove a point, she pulled on some gloves, took a steak knife from her bag, and moved to kill her target while she waited patiently for her tea.
Living in close proximity with someone you're unable to kill means memorizing aspects of who they are is only inevitable. It doesn't help that she's always been the observant one, just like how she's the furious one of the Kochou family, both living and dead. She knew from their second date, just by looking, that Mitsuri was too strong for her. Both emotionally and physically.
The memory of that realization cropped up the moment she found her arm being held in place, knife trembling in her paralyzed hand. Her target's fingers squeezed. She also knew, just by looking, that she could easily snap her arm in two and have enough strength to pick and choose so far as their other bones were concerned.
"Why?" Mitsuri asked. She didn't look particularly heartbroken, only confused. "Shinobu-chan, why?"
"Why what?" The assassin gritted out, grateful her younger sister wasn't home to see this. If Kanao could be spared from the brunt of more trauma, she'd be alright with dying here.
"Why are you trying to kill me? Don't you love me?"
A desperate laugh came out of here then, dark and hysterical. "Love? Mitsuri, what are you saying? I'm not a damn pharmacist! I've been trying to kill you from the very start!" Her reply didn't make much sense, but she couldn't help it. The thought of actually loving someone so glowing and untouchable was absurdity given life.
The other woman tilted her head, bewildered. "Well, I know that. You of all people don't go on OkCupid dates, Kochou Shinobu. But I love you lots, so I didn't mind the poison. Knives are a little more dangerous, aren't they? We shouldn't play around with those."
Her assessment of the situation was so light that Shinobu thought she might merely be dreaming about murder again. "You're right." She muttered weakly, dropping the blade. "We shouldn't."
"Good! See, isn't this nicer? We don't have to fight. I really do love you. I'm sorry if you didn't feel I did." Mitsuri cupped her face with her free hand, inexplicably in tears. "Is this okay?"
How could someone be so caring towards a being like her? "Yes." She said, pondering. "It's fine. You can do whatever you'd like."
And because she was only Mercury, helpless in the grasp of the sun's gravitational pull, her report went like this.
"Yes, I'm going to do it. Be patient, Giyuu. It's just taking me some time." Shinobu said into her phone, barely managing to keep her voice steady.
"I didn't know you were that invested in the client's emotional satisfaction."
"You don't know a lot of things. Your ignorance makes everyone very unhappy." She hung up before he could protest, and padded off to make her target tea the way she liked it, too sweetened with sugar.