~Before You Go~
"Alright class, if everyone can turn to page 15 in their books. We're going to continue our lesson..." The teacher's voice trailed off into the distance as Ichigo's thoughts shifted toward the window. The sky is so blue. Not a cloud in sight. It was the exact opposite of how he felt. If he could go into his innerworld, Ichigo was certain it would be raining. He let out a sigh and tried to return his attention to the present. He could feel the eyes of his friends on him, particularly Orihime. He knew they were all worried about him. He could almost feel it in their reiatsu. Almost. Of course, he couldn't feel anything now. Not a damn thing. Ordinary. That's what he was now. Just an ordinary high school student who's most dire concern was scoring well on tests, dating girls, and playing sports. Except that wasn't Ichigo at all. He thought that was what he wanted in the beginning - to return to a life that was ordinary; no hollows, no arrancars, no quincies, no soul society, no soul reapers, no ...her... Stop it! Dammit! Even thinking about it was painful, let alone saying her name in his mind.
Ichigo could feel his chest tightening as his hands curled into tight fists at his side, knuckles white. This is what happened whenever he thought of this…of her. His father called it a grieving process and that it was absolutely normal for Ichigo to mourn losing his powers. Isshin had said it would take time and asked Karin and Yuzu to give him space. But this...this hurt as much as losing his mother did…
The second the final bell rang, he ran. His bag swinging wildly behind him, he bolted through the hallways. It wasn't a flash step. Not even close. I'll never be able to do that again. Ichigo ran faster, flying through the entrance gate of his school and down the street - as if he was trying to out run his own thoughts. He vaguely heard Orihime chasing after him and calling his name, followed by Chad and Uryuu. He didn't pause when he heard Tatsuki stop Orihime by grabbing her arm. He didn't glance to see her murmuring into Orihime's ear or to see the sad look in her eyes. Pity. Ichigo just ran until he reached the front door of his house, went straight to his room and slammed the door shut. His breathing was ragged though not entirely from his run. Letting his body slide down, Ichigo could hear the frantic whispering between his sisters at the stairs. He groaned, covering his ears with his hands in a childlike manner. "Please… make this rain stop..."
A knock at his door brought Ichigo out of his thoughts. Yuzu was letting him know dinner was ready, her tone indicating she already knew Ichigo would refuse. When was the last time he ate dinner with his family? Did he even know how to do that anymore? He replied with a polite response about not being hungry and heard Yuzu sigh, already walking back downstairs. She wanted to argue but knew better. It wouldn't do any good.
Ichigo started to stand up, his body feeling heavy. How long had it been since he lost his powers? A week? A month? 6 months? He couldn't remember. How long since he has said goodbye to ...her? For a while after, he was numb. None of this had felt real. It wasn't until later that reality began to sink in and with reality - depression. What was the point of anything? What was his purpose? How could he go back to mundane day to day life when he knew better? The worst feeling in the world for Ichigo was that feeling of helplessness, unable to do anything, unable to protect. Despite Uryuu and Chad's best efforts, he felt left behind when they went to deal with hollows. Orihime...well, quite honestly, she just made him feel worse. That look of absolute pity in her eyes was just a psychological twist of the knife in his heart. He could barely make eye contact with her because of it. He knew she meant well and her heart was in the right place but...it was too painful - too much of a reminder of what he had lost. He wanted to be alone. Better to have his breakdowns when no one else could see him and he wouldn't burden anyone. Unless of course, she happened to be around? - STOP!
Amber eyes searched his room desperately for anything to stop this train of thought. He finally noticed the pile of laundry on his bed, probably Yuzu's doing earlier in the day. A distraction. Anything to occupy his mind. Grunting softly, Ichigo stood fully and started to sort through his uniforms, gathering what needed to be hung up. He opened the closet and inhaled sharply. Her scent. Of course it would smell like...her...after all the time she spent here. It was mostly empty now, just a mat inside the shelving of his closet with all personal effects gone. Ichigo's chest tightened again as he fought back against the flood of memories that threatened to break through the walls in his mind he had so desperately crafted. He tried to just focus on hanging his uniforms.
Something caught his eye. It was halfway tucked beneath the mat. Before he could process the warning alarm in his mind, Ichigo reached for it, pulling out a small, pink, rabbit shaped notebook with the word "Chappy" embossed on the cover. His fingers felt the edges of it, pressing hard against the cardboard of the notebook. It seemed like an eternity passed before his fingers slowly opened the cover, uniforms forgotten. Ichigo breathed in sharply. Drawings. Her drawings. Different variations of Chappy the Rabbit drawn in various poses. Other nonsensical drawings. One in particular caught his eye. Ichigo's name was written down next to a drawing of a rabbit that had similar hair to him. His name in... her writing…. her drawing of him. Next to his rabbit was another one, smaller with a distinctive piece of hair in it's face- her name written beside it. There was no avoiding it now. His honey brown eyes stared at the characters that made up her name. Rukia.
Ichigo's lips trembled slightly as he felt something warm and wet on his cheek. Tears? I'm crying? His hand reached up, touching his wet cheek. He stared at his fingertips, feeling the flood of emotions wash over him. In that instant, Ichigo shattered. The walls he so carefully constructed within his mind burst with a frenzy. Memory after memory came to the surface, torturing him with their haunting theme. He was helpless - completely powerless to stop his thoughts or the silent tears that slid down his cheeks.
His room was full of memories. How could it not be? From the time she first stepped through his bedroom window to the moment their souls connected as Rukia thrust her zanpakto into his core. The day he found out she was staying in his closet and, though he protested, Ichigo had grown used to having her close, to feeling her energy nearby. It was strangely comforting. The fight with Grand Fisher where she gave him the space he needed to fight. No one else had seen that side of him before. He had never felt comfortable letting anyone else see him breakdown. Except her.
When she had left him that note explaining she was leaving and not to follow her; to when he followed her anyway and was protected - by her- again. Ichigo's mind jumped to the memory of her at the bridge in the Soul Society and then again at the sokyoku. The way the light of the flames around them reflected in those violet eyes had taken his breath away. On that same thought, he remembered the way her eyes had darkened when Grimmjow nearly killed her on that street. Again, Rukia was protecting him and, again, it nearly cost her life. His heart had been pounding out of his chest while he watched Orihime heal her, silently praying to whatever god was listening. Not again.
Ichigo groaned as he slid down the wall and hugged his knees as he drowned in his despair. He remembered how she had admonished him in Hueco Mundo for not trusting in her. He could see her determined face when they seperated and she had faced that Espada. His chest tightened as he remembered feeling her reiatsu fading after that fight and how desperate he had been to get to her. They hadn't had a chance to talk about that fight. She had never explained the dark look in her eyes whenever it was mentioned.
There was a lot they hadn't talked about- a lot he hadn't said to her; a lot he should have said. But when the time came, when he finally had his chance - he was losing his powers. Ichigo arranged the whole ice skating night to have that moment with her- to tell the person who had changed his life and stopped the rain in his heart exactly how much she meant to him. The great Ichigo Kurosaki, who had faced countless enemies with an unwavering resolve, chickened out. Who did he think he was to tell her his feelings? They wouldn't be able to interact. He wouldn't be able to protect her anymore. He wouldn't be able to even see her anymore. So who was he to make her life messy with his feelings? Except now, he was drowning in them - drowning in the unspoken words that burned in his heart.
Ichigo had to get out of his room. It was...suffocating him to stay within these walls. He waited until everyone in the house was asleep and quietly left the house. No use in worrying his sisters or father any more than they already were. He closed the door, looking at the dark empty street. He could almost picture ...Rukia... standing there in her shihakusho, poised and ready to fight. Before that memory could fully form, he turned, quickly running the other way, past the familiar buildings on either side. That final memory which he had managed to hold at bay until now threatened to escape. He ran harder, feeling the burning in his lungs as he willed his body to move faster. The sound of water finally reached his ears. A river. The river. It was a fitting setting if he was going to break down.
The rushing water felt cold against his skin as Ichigo dipped his hands in, wiping his face. This area was about where Tatsuki had found him after the death of his mother so long ago. He knelt at the shoreline, head low as he gripped the soft earth with his fists. Images now flowed through his mind unbidden - Rukia standing close to him as her presence started to fade away. He looked into those violet eyes, the words burning in his heart but stuck in his throat. She had tried to make light of the situation, telling him not to worry and she'd still be around. He watched as Rukia started to fade from his sight, unable to move or look away. Her head had been lowered and Ichigo couldn't tell what she was feeling. Was it possible she felt the same way toward him? Was she happy to be rid of him finally? Or did she feel guilty about this as if all of this was her fault? He knew Rukia had a tendency to blame herself for things outside of her control. But now, they were out of time. He was helpless. Again.
Just before she faded completely, Rukia raised her head - violet met amber - for the last time. She had a complex expression on her face. There was sadness but also - something else. He thought he could see shimmering in the corners of her eyes. He wanted to say something. He should have said something. He wanted to kiss her. But before he could form the words, she was gone. Ichigo was left staring at empty air though he knew she must still be standing right there. The moment had seemed so intimate between them that he had almost forgotten the others were there.
After an awkward pause, he made some excuse about feeling tired and wanting to rest so he could be alone. That was it. She was gone. Orihime mentioned that Rukia had left without a word, her face hidden from the others. A week later at school, Keigo had mentioned he hadn't seen her around at all. So much for her promise to him. Was he that forgettable in her life that she could just...leave? That thought cut him to the core. Ichigo let out a quiet cry as he knelt at the river's edge, hands gripping the earth with fists and head bowed as his heart shattered with the unspoken feelings.
Panting heavily, Rukia ran forward with a yell and swung down her zanpakuto in front of her. Renji dodged, launching his own attack at her blind spot. Rukia pivoted, parrying his attack with her sword, their faces close to one another. Renji stopped suddenly, dropping his sword and taking a step back. Rukia stepped back as well in response, her sword up and ready to fight again. "What are … you doing, Renji? Don't lower... your guard!"
Renji shook his head. "Rukia, I think we should stop for now."
"Why would… we stop now?" Her legs were starting to tremble slightly with fatigue but Rukia steadied herself. "You afraid… of losing?" She smirked but behind her facade, desperation seeped through every pore. She needed distraction and she needed it now. Any time spent idling allowed her thoughts to go back there and that was a dangerous place to be… because that's where he was and with him, pain.
"Because there is something off about ya, Rukia. Ever since you returned from the world of the living, you've been like a madman, volunteering for every mission, every duty your captain could ask of ya, and when you aren't doing that, you insist on training with me for hours at a time until you practically collapse from exhaustion. I have no problem training with you but…" His eyes softened in concern. "I'm worried about ya. If you need to talk or somethin', I'm-"
"I don't need to talk!" Rukia almost snarled, her voice sharp and final. Her violet eyes turned to ice, her face taking on an expressionless countenance that rivaled Byakuya's. "There is nothing wrong with me, Renji. I'm just interested in training and becoming stronger for our next enemy. That is all."
Renji wasn't convinced and let it show on his face. "Cut the crap, Rukia. We've been friends for how long now? And you expect me to believe you're totally fine and this has nothing to do with Ichigo los-" A sudden wind slapped him across the face. Before he could finish his sentence, Rukia was gone. Her flash step was certainly improving. Renji couldn't sense her nearby now. "Tch, that idiot."
"Our every moment, I start to replay
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face"
Rukia put all of her spirit energy into her flash step, refusing to stop until she was in the middle of an unpopulated area, surrounded by trees. Her hands were clasped tightly around her sword as she panted, leaning heavily on a tree. How dare he? Just who did Renji think he was? There was nothing wrong! I'm just dedicated to my training. Why would anything be wrong? Her lungs burned with each inhale but even that pain was better than hearing his name.
Shakily, Rukia took a hesitant step forward, feeling her body protest at the movement. Damn. It was clear she needed to rest before she would be able to leave but sitting idly was only inviting her mind to wander to that forbidden space. She closed her eyes, making sure she felt no other spiritual pressure nearby. Rukia didn't allow herself to break down at all, let alone in front of anyone.
Now confident she was alone, Rukia inhaled sharply. With a frustrated cry, she swung her zanpakuto against the trunk of a tree, it's sharp blade digging deep in but not cutting through it. The force of her swing plus the fatigue in her body caused Rukia to stumble and land on her knees. She stayed still, panting and trying desperately to stem any thoughts of him...of Ichigo.
The mere thought of his name was enough to flood her with emotions. How did she get to this state? How did she become this shaking mess in the forest? If she was honest, it started the day they met - a day that felt ages ago - ever since she thrust her sword into the core of his being and their souls connected for that instant. She never told him, but in that instant, she felt the fusing of a fate that bound them together.
Unbidden tears stung her violet eyes as Rukia knelt under the forest canopy. Her anguish erupted from her chest where the shinigami had repressed it with her strong will. Ever since that fateful night, she had spent so much time with …him… not that it hurt every time she wasn't with him. Of course, she wasn't codependent like that. No, what hurt Rukia the most, the moment that cut into her core, was the second she faded from his sight. There was so much she needed to tell him. It was confusing for her at first but now the answer was clear. All of the memories of the days and moments after flooded her mind, torturing her with renewed heartbreak.
After Aizen had been taken away to stand trial, Unohana finished treating Ichigo, although he remained unconscious. Rukia stayed by his side the entire time, her eyes reflecting the worry she felt. Kisuke Urahara had gathered the group beside an unconscious Ichigo after they arrived at the Kuchiki home. Rukia didn't know exactly what was going on, but she knew the body language Kisuke was displaying all too well. After exchanging a worried glance with Renji, she steeled herself. Nothing could prepare her for the way she felt when Kisuke spoke next...
"Ichigo is...losing his spiritual pressure? All of it?" She'd asked incredulously, not comprehending his words. Everyone else was silent, her voice cutting through the tension in the room. Her mind whirled, quickly figuring out what that meant for him...and for her. It was like a physical blow, almost making it hard to breathe. "That is correct, Miss Kuchiki." Urahara's face was solemn, with none of his usual coy charm. That only made the blow that much harder.
"Then I'll share my powers with him again." Rukia half stood, resolve reflected in her violet eyes. "I've done it before. We're connected in ways I don't even know how to explain. I'm sure sharing my reiatsu with him will restore his back to normal!" The shopkeeper lowered his head slightly, the brim of his hat obscuring his face somewhat. "I'm afraid it won't work like that again. This time is different." He looked up as the hope faded from her violet eyes, genuine sympathy in his voice. "I'm sorry, Rukia."
It was agony as she stood beside Ichigo while he tried to fight hollows. Rukia could tell his powers were weakening with each swing of his sword. With every level it lessened, so too did her heart sink. Snap out of it, Rukia! She chided herself. Ichigo needs your strength now more than ever! You cannot show him any sadness. This is his chance to have the normal life I took away from him that day. I… have to be his strength now, no matter how much it hurts. With renewed resolve, Rukia was able to push the pain away for a time and support him especilla for the second stage of unconsciousness.
Rukia had tried to find moments when no one else was with him while he was resting. Each time, someone entered before she could speak the words that burned in her heart. Rukia felt that the others could sense her sadness and felt it best to leave her alone. Orihime in particular seemed uncomfortable whenever she entered Ichigo's room while Rukia was present. It only increased the guilt Rukia felt. She never intended to cause her friend pain but she could plainly see from Orihime's expressions the undertones of jealousy for the bond Rukia shared with ...him. But she couldn't find the words to address that now...especially not when he was going to lose his ability to even see her.
When Ichigo finally awoke, it was bitter sweet. They both knew what was to come. Rukia did her best to smile and jest, doing everything she could to lessen the burden on him. This was, after all, her doing. If it wasn't for her, his life might have taken a very different path. In that final moment, she lowered her gaze, unable to look him in the eyes as she tried to hide the guilt and pain. Ichigo would only worry and that wasn't fair to do to him.
The last of Ichigo's reiatsu fading was like a final twist to the dagger in her heart, causing Rukia to inhale sharply and snap her head up to see him looking down at her. He felt it too. She watched his eyes as violet met honey and saw the slight shift -the unfocus- that indicated he could no longer see her. His spiritual pressure was gone as well, no longer flowing protectively from him around her own. Neither she nor Ichigo moved and, despite the fact that she was no longer visible to him, he had kept his gaze on where her eyes had been.
It felt like an eternity passed before she remembered they were not alone. Rukia felt such a sharp pang through her chest, she had to leave...to run. With a swift movement made faster through a flash step, Rukia bolted from the spot, opened a senkaimon, and fled, not sparing a glance for their other friends. Ichigo...
The pain of reliving that memory sparked hot tears down her cheeks. Fate threw her around like the vast uncaring waves of the ocean. Drowning. This must be what it felt like. Every time she tried to come up for air, another wave pushed her back down beneath the surface. She pushed herself up, leaning against the rough bark of the nearest tree and allowing the sharp wood to dig into her back. Anything to distract from the pain.
When Rukia had returned from the World of the Living, she headed straight to the Kuchiki Manor and locked herself in her room. Looking back on it now, it was almost childish. It took her hours to compose herself and construct the walls around those memories and her emotions. Years of being around Byakuya's cold and seemingly uncaring demeanor had honed her ability to shut our emotions. When she emerged from her room, she had thrown herself into her work, training with an unhinged frenzy. Byakuya noted this change silently, speaking to Ukitake about it at length but neither made any progress with Rukia when they tried to bring it up.
"For to shed tears means that the body has been defeated by emotion. And, to us, that simple act of crying proves, without question, that the existence of emotion is nothing but a burden." Rukia repeated these words as if it were her mantra, attempting now to still the pain that spilled from her eyes. The sky was starting to darken with the promise of a full moon.
Having exhausted herself emotionally as well as physically, Rukia leaned in half lounging position. Her head was tilted upward so she could see the stars and part of the moon through the branches. Her thoughts now freely wandered her memories like fireflies, flitting from scene to scene and igniting her emotions with each touch. There were so many unspoken words trapped in her memories.
Her mind paused for a moment on Orihime. It was obvious she liked Ichigo. Rukia guessed it started after they saved her from her brother's hollow.. She was always kind to Rukia, only her occasional facial expressions betraying her jealousy. This knowledge only made Rukia feel worse. Perhaps Orihime was a better choice for Ichigo? She was human, after all. Pretty. Smart. Even though he didn't seem to reciprocate Orihime's feelings, in time, he might learn to. More importantly, she was very expressive with her feelings, unlike Rukia. Perhaps Ichigo should be with her, even as the thought caused new tears to shimmer in her violet eyes. I wonder if I had been more like Orihime. If I had shown him how I felt before all of this happened… would things have been different? There was no way to know. The walls Rukia had built up after Kaien's death were too high and reinforced with self doubt and fear. She didn't have the courage to speak the words then that would now forever be stuck in her throat. "Ichigo.."
Ichigo glanced up to the full moon, hanging high above him in the dark sky. He muttered a string of curses, his anger turned inward. Even the moon reminded him of her… of Rukia. Why hadn't he said something to her when he had the chance? When she was alone with him all those times? Hell, he thought about it often enough! Ever since his mom's death, Ichigo had put up walls around him, feeling that he didn't deserve to feel the happiness he felt as a child. No one could compare to his mother or so he thought. Then Rukia came into his world - his life - and turned it upside down. He never told her but there were times she sounded just like his mother. "I should have told her. I should have said something when I had the chance. I'm so pathetic. Rukia deserves better than this… than me…"
His thoughts shifted to Renji briefly, a flare of jealousy setting his blood on fire. He had nothing against the red head, in fact, Ichigo considered Renji an ally and friend. But he couldn't help but notice the way Renji's eyes lingered on Rukia just a bit too long for his liking. He knew his friend cared for her but couldn't tell if it was born out of his deep friendship or if there was something more. Now Renji was the one who would be there for Rukia. Ichigo scowled deeper.
Violet eyes reflected the moonlight as she ran. With renewed strength, Rukia had pulled herself up, retrieved her zanpakuto, and was now running - no, flash stepping- toward the nearest senkaimon. She couldn't resist this any longer. She had to see him.. one last time. If he was happy and content with his family or his friends, Rukia promised herself she would not interfere. A simple kido could hide her spiritual pressure and so long as she stayed out of sight of the others, they would be none the wiser. She just needed to know that he was alright. Rukia refused to ruin his life a second time. But what if he's not? She shook her head as if to dismiss such thoughts. He had to be. This is what he wanted after all… isn't it? She ran faster, moving through the opening and into the precipice world.
Ichigo dug his fingers into the cold dirt once more, his knuckles bruising slightly from the impact with the ground. Maybe Renji was better for Rukia. He knew her past better than anyone. She trusted him and Ichigo knew he would protect her with his life. He was a full soul reaper just like her, not this pseudo substitute he used to be. Renji could provide her with a life in the soul society whereas Ichigo…couldn't even see her… let alone protect her now. The feeling of helplessness crept back in, his mind now imagining scenarios that she might find herself in where he wouldn't be there to help her. He felt like he was 8 years old all over again. "Rukia…"
It was then that a senkaimon opened near the river. Rukia stepped out, her kido suppressed. She closed her eyes, searching for Ichigo's spiritual pressure. Despite how much it had lessened, she was still able to find him easily. A frown crossed her lips when she realized Ichigo wasn't in his room. Was he in trouble? There was a definite tone of anguish in his energy. She didn't hesitate any longer, turning in his direction and moving toward him.
It was only a short distance before she spotted him. He was knelt by the river, hands pounding against the dirt. "Ichigo…" she whispered, her breath catching at the sight of him. A small breeze brushed through her hair, moving in his direction.
Ichigo's head snapped up from the ground, his attention rapt and focused. For a moment, he could have sworn he smelled her - a mixture of lavender and lilac. His eyes searched the empty skies, daring to hope. "Rukia?" He whispered hoarsely, a look of desperate hope in his honey brown eyes.