It was another normalish day outside on the Playa.

Ok, who am I kidding, that place is NEVER normal! Some crazy shit always has to happen - like bitch I ain't got time for that!

All these losers spending their time doing losery stuff, which they don't even have fun doing. Hello, why be a loser when you can suck my dick? And for the record, it is NOT as small as Noah (that prick) made it out to be. I have a healthy 3 inches, mind you. My mom said that's perfectly normal. Ever heard of growers, not showers? Yeah, my dick looks small, but looks can be deceiving you know. Whenever I get hard (aka think of Gwen in an emu costume) it grows to 40 inches. I even had trouble hiding it on the show. I know it sounds impossible, but so does the idea that I can get anyone to love me. Yet here we are.

"Cody, are you talking to yourself again?"

Noah (that prick also known as my boyfriend) randomly walked up to me out of nowhere.

"Y'know, if we were in the street, and I was a girl, and there were police around, you'd get arrested."

"What, for telling you to stop sobbing over your small wiener?"

"NO, for talking to me in the first place!"

"Whatever you say honey."

And then he opened the book he randomly got out of his big ass pockets.

"Noah, why are you reading Alice in Wonderland?"

"It's not my fault I have a thing for the white rabbit. The way he's always checking the time is sexy."

Well, if he was in the mood…

I put on my best sultry voice:

"How about you ditch the book and we go somewhere more… private together?"

"Cody, you sound like a cheese grater."

It was worth a shot.

•••••

Remember how I said in World Tour that my parents forgot my birthday? It turns out that everyone else forgot it this year too. Maybe because I'm considered 'irrelevant' by most of the fandom.

"Cody, shut up. You're a fucking fan favorite, everyone loves you along with Noah, Courtney, Duncan and I. And stop making us look bad, we all remember your birthday. How couldn't we, when it's on April Fools?" Oh that's right, me and Heather became friends after being on the same team. We vibe pretty hard together-

"Actually, we're only friends for the clout we get. No hard feelings tho."

Then Alejandro popped his head in the doorway.

"And he definitely doesn't deserve you. You're far too elegant for him, mi amor."

In two quick strides with his bowlegs, he crossed the poolside to get to his beloved before scooping her up and carrying her bridal style.

"Noah, can you carry me like that?"

"The best I'm ever going to do is give you a piggyback ride. And drop you flat on your face after 30 seconds. So no."

As he turned back to his book, Izzy popped out of nowhere.

"You're so gay and you don't even like boys"

she sang.

"What? The? Fuck? Izzy, I do like boys. I'm dating one, hello?"

"Cody, Noah is more of a femboy, and therefore, he doesn't count."

God why is everyone in this? It's not my fault that I like to narrate my life out loud! It's normal, I know everyone does that.

"No they don't Cody, you're just special. And Izzy, if you want proof I'm a boy, meet me in my room at midnight tonight."

"Sure thing Noah! I'll bring my shitty Polaroid too! You never know when you need black mail prints…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Adios, putas!"

Then she hopped on a random vine, probably swinging to Ezekiel's room. Who knows what he does in there?

"He wanks, duh."

"Noah, how come you're letting Izzy see your dick before me?"

"If you wanna see my dick, you've got to make an appointment with my manager."

"And who might that be?"

Noah pointed behind me, I turned around and then BAM! He was gone.

Typical.

•••••

I feel like I've been scammed. After coming on this show, my life has just gotten worse. Total Drama Island was full of my worst moments, and I acted super creepy to Gwen (but I don't blame 16 year old me). Then there was TDA, which I didn't even make it on. Though thank god, because it had B e t h in it. And she won. I will never forgive her for fucking kissing me in the cheek. Imagine if she got me on the lips-

Needless to say, I hate Beth.

Then there's also how I had Gwen's bra, still fresh from when she gave it to me. I sniff it every night for good luck (not that Noah needs to know).

Skip to World Tour, or as I like to call it, ww3. It technically was a fucking war, with Chris as a modern day Hitler and the contestants as innocent people who had to battle it out for a stupid pile of cash around the fucking planet. We didn't even visit a whole bunch of other places, that's how little the show's budget was.

I also embarrassed myself a lot. Not many people remember, but y'know how I crashed into the Statue's boobs in New York? Straight after that, as soon as the episode ended, my cousin called me (I know we weren't allowed phones, but it was easy for me to get what I wanted for small favours), and she asked me how it felt to smack Lady Bigtitties right in her melons. I reported it felt 'hard and cold, but a magical experience nonetheless.'

Best orgasm I'd ever had.

So when s4 rolled around, and I was told I had to be on it, I was fucking pissed. I was absolutely raging, another season of torture? Really??? I was ready to bounce off the walls of the spaceship we were forced in before boarding the yacht. Thankfully, it passed the island. As soon as Chris announced we were hasbeens, the 'contestants' started screaming about how we deserved to be on the show, 'not those stupid wannabes!'

I was fucking glad, as it meant I could finally go home. However, we still had to make cameos, meaning we had to stay on our old friend, Playa de Losers. I didn't care, as long as it wasn't me that had to go. And that's where we are now, unfortunately. I hope the newbies have fun roughing it on the island.

•••••

It was 7pm, but people were STILL in the pool! Who does that? Wait, nevermind, I shouldn't have asked. Nobody seemed to care about it getting darker and darker outside. Though I guess that's because of spring getting near. And with spring, comes a joke, i.e. me. Hehe.

Anyways, I basically spent the day hiding from Sierra, who refused to accept the facts that 1. I don't like her that way, and 2. That I was bisexual, and had a boyfriend. She seemed to think that because I liked both guys and girls, I could have a girlfriend AND a boyfriend. But that still wouldn't work out, because she doesn't like Noah (surprise, surprise) and I don't like sharing my dick. My dick is an exclusive item, for one person only.

Currently, that person was going around inviting people to his room at midnight.

"I take it you'll be coming?"

"I won't miss it!" Replied Tyler.

"We'll bring the cake!" Shrieked Katie and Sadie.

"Will there be any green jelly?"

"No." Noah assured a nervous Courtney.

"Then I'll come."

Duncan piped up, "I can't wait to see the look on his face when we-"

"Guys keep it down! He's right there-"

"Hey guyyyyyyyyyys! Noah can I come to your room too?"

Noah turned to face me super slowly, like he was in a badly written fanfiction or something.

He had those aviators he wore in the red carpet reunion special, and a clipboard in his hands.

"Uh, sorry Cody, but you can't."

I stood there with my arms crossed. "And why is that?"

"Noah's cheeks turned a unique shade of red as he started to speak. "You can't come because-"

"It's a bad bitch party, you cannot get in!" Duncan silenced the whole Playa with that single line. If it wasn't directed at me, I would say how awesome that was and how I think Duncan should receive a gemmie for that impression. He literally sounded like he belonged in the song, with fake nails and a colourful wig and a Louis Vuitton bag-

Anyways, after that embarrassing scene, I fucked off. If Noah wants to show a bunch of strangers his dick, but not his own boyfriend, then I'd be happy to welcome him. Even though I. Am. His boyfriend.

Dammit maybe I'm not as fine with it as I thought.

•••••

Ok so midnight is here. And I'm up in my room, by myself. Because no one would hang with me. Cuz they're too busy staring at Noah's dick, which I bet they didn't even schedule an appointment for! Life is so unfair sometimes…

Geez am I thirsty or wHAt? I keep talking about my bf's schlong. Am I obsessed? Should I get help? Should I get a psychiatrist? A therapist? An optician??? Because clearly I can't see that he can do whatever he wants with it. Including showing a bunch of people apart from his boyfriend. That's fine right? Completely normal. Not weird at all.

I NEED TO SEE ITTTTTTT!!!!!

Kill me now. It's that time of month again for me huh? Chillax, I'm not on my period or anything. Just in heat.

I need to get to his room somehow.

•••••

This isn't what I had in mind.

I originally wanted to just eavesdrop, y'know, listen to whatever was happening. But I put my ear up against the door, and it didn't tell me anything! The door is supposed to tell you everything that's happening over yonder, but this door was being a stubborn bitch. It stayed closed, and didn't tell me shit. Fuck you, door.

So then I decided to do what people in spy movies do, come up with an elaborate plan, and scale the building from the outside. On my way up, I passed by Ezekiel, who unsurprisingly wasn't invited to Noah's orgy either. Yeah we could've hung out together, but there's a reason my boyf skipped him. He was happily stroking his length, and when I got closer to his window, he turned and waved at me.

I've never wanted to cry more.

I had to go faster, because his shaft was blinding me. It was bright red from all the abuse he puts on it daily! I was about to be sick-

Aaaand I threw up off the side. Thanks Zeke.

I was close to Noah's window, just arm's length away from the latch, when suddenly, NOAH APPEARED AND YANKED ME INSIDE HIS ROOM!

Fast forward to where I am now, on the floor surrounded by a circle of teenagers. The room was dark so I couldn't see anyone's faces, or more importantly-

I'm pretty sure you fuckers know what I mean.

"Cody, why were you climbing the building?" Sierra enquired.

"Isn't it obvious dipshit? He's jealous of you guys." Even though it was pitch black, I just know that Noah folded his arms. We're telepathic like that.

"No we're not Cody, you just know me too well. And I know you're just dying to see my cock-"

"TMI! TMFUCKING I!!" Everyone screamed as if the apocalypse had started, there were zombies outside, and Satan himself was rising where I was sitting. It's painful to have 19 people screaming at you from every direction, 360. So painful that my eardrums burst.

"HOLY SHIT CODY WE GOTTA GET YOU TO HOSPITAL FUCK!" Noah scooped me up and fucking ran, telling me sweet nothings.

Not that I could hear them, with fucking blood coming out of my earholes. Anywho, we reached the hospital within 0.0000009 seconds, because Noah can apparently fly. Seriously, he sprouted wings and a beak and everything that bird humans should have. The nurses picked me up and proceeded to throw me at a distance of 2.7 miles into a bed unit, which I landed in safely surprisingly.

That's all I remember before I fell unconscious. When I woke up, Noah was there at my side, smiling at me. What a fucktard. How could he be smiling right now??

"I'm smiling becauseeeeee," then he reached behind him, and pulled out a cake, "ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY!"

I took one look at the cake, his party hat, the streamers around the room, the rest of the cast entering out of nowhere, and the cake again.

"I hate vanilla."

I promptly passed out.

A/n: Please don't lose any respect for me. Also I may or may not continue this, who knows? Why am I like this ;-;