Written for Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition Season 8. Chaser 1 for Appleby Arrows, The Lover: Fear, Isolation.
Prompts:
Dialogue: "You don't understand"/"No, but I want to."
Song: Tightrope by Janelle Monae
Animal: Swan
Word Count: 2227
He was avoiding her. It started after William Weasley and Fleur Delacour's wedding, when they had gotten into another argument about progressing their relationship. He wouldn't do it. She could declare her love to him from the moon and back and he would still push her away. She remembered their conversation after witnessing Fleur proclaim her love for Bill despite what the Weasley had been through . . .
"You see!" Tonks said in a strained voice, glaring at Lupin. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!'
"It's different," said Lupin, barely moving his lips and looking suddenly tense. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely —"
"But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks, seizing the front of Lupin's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times . . ."
"And I've told you a million times," he said, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor, "that I am too old for you, too poor . . . too dangerous . . ."
It was the same argument. Again. And again. And now he wouldn't even look at her; he wouldn't speak to her; wouldn't even stop by to say hello. The summer was flying by quickly, and the loneliness Tonks felt sitting by herself in this isolated vacation cottage was beginning to eat away at her. Her mother had recommended getting some alone time far away from home, work, and Remus Lupin.
"It'll do you some good to clear your head," Andromeda had said. "Maybe this whole werewolf fetish will disappear with some alone time."
But it hadn't. If anything, it was stronger than ever. She'd risk everything, even her life, to be with Remus if he would just let her. But something held him back. And she needed to understand what that was. Fear? Disgust? Anger? She could help him through it if she only knew what it was. So what if he was a werewolf? She loved him, and she knew the man loved her back. Was that not enough?
Tonks sighed as she stared out her window longingly, listening to the water rushing by in the river that looped around the cottage, the ducks quaking to their young, and the quiet rustle of leaves blowing in the wind.
It was peaceful.
It was serene.
It was lonely, and she hated it.
She sighed once more, running a hand through her blue hair before she stood and walked over to a far wall where a calendar hung. The next Order of the Phoenix meeting was still a week away, so she would be stuck in this awful cottage for another seven days with nothing to do but walk the forest trails and read another book. Maybe she should go home.
As Tonks walked back to the window, a sight caught her eyes, and they widened.
Remus Lupin was outside her cottage, standing there with an awkward hand on the back of his neck. He took a step closer to the cottage, but then ducked his head and turned away, speed walking down the path he had come.
"Remus!" Tonks shouted, running out of the cottage and chasing after the man.
Remus didn't even look back, but his pace quickened.
"Wait!" Tonks shouted, following the man to the bridge over the river. As he crossed, Tonks shouted, "If you ever cared the slightest about me, you'll stop and at least look at me one last time!"
Remus froze halfway over the bridge, his body tense, but he didn't turn around. Tonks stepped on the bridge and slowly approached the man.
"Why have you been avoiding me?" Tonks asked. "Why do you run from me? Is it me?"
"No," Remus said in a small whisper. He still didn't move. "It's never you."
"I know we've been over this a thousand times, but I won't give up until you give me a good reason why we couldn't be together. And a bloody damn good reason, not your usual "I'm a werewolf" nonsense."
"I could give you several."
"And I can counter them all," Tonks said as she neared Remus. "Every time. I love you, Remus. We can make this work."
"Look at me!" Remus snapped, spinning around and glaring at Tonks, startling the woman. Tonks stepped back, taking in Remus's tired expression, the bags under his eyes, his unkempt hair, his frail appearance. He motioned to himself, saying, "Remember what I become."
For a moment, there was nothing but the sound of the river flowing beneath them. As Tonks stared at Remus, her hair slowly turned into a shade of brown. She nodded her head.
"I am," she spoke quietly. "I do. I see who you are, what you become, what you've overcome . . . And I love you for it—for you!"
Remus huffed irritably.
"You don't understand."
"No." Tonks took a step closer to the man. "But I want to. Why are so against us? What are you so afraid of?"
"Afraid?" Remus's eyes flashed. "Afraid? What is there not to fear on the night of a full moon? What about you? Why aren't you more afraid? I could hurt you. I can't afford wolfsbane and I can't control myself. There is no need for any other reason why we shouldn't be together. This thing we've got—us—it is a dangerous way of living."
"Then we can walk that tightrope together!" Tonks took a daring step closer and grabbed Remus's hands in hers, holding on to them tightly. "And stop going backwards in our relationship. I know it's risky, but we can do it."
"No!" Remus said, yanking his hands out of her grip and taking a step back. "I won't let you endanger your life for the likes of me!" Remus swallowed dryly and when he spoke again, his voice was softer, quieter. "Don't waste your life trying to reach for something that cannot be touched. I turn into a monster. I don't want to hurt you. If I loved you or not, we can't be together. I am doomed to live a lonely life, and I accept that if it means keeping you out of harm's way. That is my reason for avoiding you. For staying away from you. I came by to tell you that, but I didn't want to see your face when I did."
Tonks felt her heart writhe in her chest at Remus's words, and the roots of her hair began turning a light blue. He came to break up with her. Not to apologize or profess his undying love for her. No, he came to end it once and for all. Tonks felt unshed tears well in her eyes and she blinked the sting away. She wasn't ready for this, nor would she accept it. She shook her head.
"You don't really want to be alone for the rest of your life, do you?"
Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, refusing to look at her.
"No one truly wants that," Tonks continued. She leaned against the rail to steady herself and looking down at the water.
"Maybe," Remus said. "But I have no choice. We were not destined to be together. The cards do not stack in our favor. A werewolf can not marry for obvious reasons. This"—he made a gesture to indicate the two of them as he leaned against the railing next to Tonks— "will not work. Besides, you deserve someone younger, wealthier, and . . . healthier than I."
"I deserve someone who loves me," Tonks said. "You loved me. No one's ever loved me like you."
Remus fell silent beside her, staring down at his reflection in the water. The sun slowly began to descend from the sky behind them, turning the sky shades of pink and purple, and the colors reflected in the water. A pair of swans swam out from under the bridge, side by side, leaving ripples in their wake.
Tonks blinked down at them, her head tilting to the side. Her eyes glanced at Remus, then back to the swans.
"Have you ever heard the story of the ugly duckling?"
Remus looked at Tonks, but she was watching the swans swim down the stream diving for food.
"I can't say I have," he answered.
"Once upon a time," Tonks began, keeping her eyes on her reflection in the water, "there was a mother duck waiting for her eggs to hatch. One by one, her little ducklings cracked through the shells, beautiful and musical as she. But one little egg, bigger and browner than the rest, refused to hatch. The mother insisted on waiting, and when finally, the egg hatched, the ugliest, dullest duckling emerged. And musical he wasn't, for while the other ducklings quaked, he honked."
Tonks ran her finger along the railing, tracing the intricate designs as she told her story. Remus watched her as he listened.
"He was bullied for being so ugly and different by the other ducks in his pond. He was nipped and teased constantly, even by his own mother, who could do little to shield him from the harsh world. So, off the duckling went, in search of a family who would love him. Hens saw no use for him, the geese flew away from him, and even the dog hunting the geese insulted his looks. He was left alone to face a harsh winter, and he nearly froze, though he gladly would have died to remove himself from a world he did not fit in to.
"A new spring came, and the ugly duckling had grown into an adult that winter. He was swimming along when above he saw several, beautiful white birds flying above him. Swans. They spotted him, made a strange cry, and then they were diving for him. The ugly duckling pleaded, "Please, kill me!" And he bowed his head, and waited for the blows to come, for he knew his ugliness is what had set the swans off, and he would rather die than live on in this cruel world.
"But they did not kill him. He waited, but nothing happened. He looked up to see the swans landing in the water around him, whispering among themselves, saying, "My, is he beautiful. He is the most handsome of all. So young and so good-looking." The duckling did not believe that they were talking about him. He thought it another cruel joke. He looked down at his reflection in the water and was surprised to see a beautiful swan staring back. He was truly one of them! And the other swans bowed in his honor, and the ugly duckling, at last, had a family of his own."
When Tonks finished her story, there was a long pause of silence between them. Finally, Remus spoke.
"Are you comparing me to an ugly duckling?"
Tonks snorted.
"That's just it, isn't it?" Tonks asked, looking over at Remus. Her dark eyes met Remus's warm amber eyes, and it was the longest the two had made eye contact since the man had arrived. Tonks slid closer to him. "He was never ugly. He was mistaken because of the way he was raised and the way he thought of himself because of his history. In reality, he was the most beautiful, most gentle, caring, generous, perfect soul I ever met."
"I see what you're doing," Remus said, but he could not bring himself to look away from Tonks. "But I am not a duckling."
"I know. But you're not a monster either. Just like the duckling was never ugly."
Remus sighed, but Tonks was not giving up.
"We can make us work," Tonks said, standing and facing Remus. "Through our highs and our lows, we'll get through it. We can be together if you just believe in one thing."
"And what is that?" Remus asked softly.
"Do you love me?" Tonks asked.
Remus stared at Tonks, watching as the blue in her roots faded to brown once more.
"I do," he said. "More than you'll ever know."
"Then take my hand in yours," Tonks said as she grasped Remus's hands, glad when he did not pull away, "and promise me you'll never let go no matter how high that tightrope is. The challenges we face—we face them, together. You don't have to be a lone wolf any longer. Like the ugly duckling, if you marry me, you will see your worth for what it truly is, and love will always win."
Tonks gave him a watery smile as she waited for his response. Remus lifted one of Tonks hands and pressed his lips to the back of it. He lowered their hands and pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes.
"I promise."
Tonks felt a tear escape her eye and she kept them closed for a second longer before fluttering them open and staring up at him.
"And I promise you in return, my ugly duckling."
Remus snorted.
"You better not call me that at the next meeting."
Even as he said this, Remus pulled Tonks tighter against him, and their lips locked passionately, the colorful sky behind them, and the two swans in the stream gently touched their beaks together as they paddled on their way as one.