Hello everyone! New story has come to my muse. This one is a tragic love story. I'll warn you in advance. It will also have a bit of a supernatural element to it. I know I have a few stories I haven't updated in a while. I plan on working on those soon. But this one begged to be written first. Enjoy!

I Love You as I Lose You More

Once you're here you're never gone

Oh, once you're here you're never gone

Fallen from a night of cold

A piece of me that I can't hold

I love you as I lose you more

I break outside this open door

Catch me as I wash away

Oh, catch me as I wash away

Ooh, catch me as I wash away.

-Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Steve Erdody- Break

There was a book signing at ten. He closed the bookshop page on his laptop and loudly sighed. Over his screen, he could feel Mary Crawley's eyes staring into him. He hunched his shoulders over and ignored her glare. Working at Downton Estates with Robert had been a dream of his since he left the army years ago. Mary Crawley had not been part of that dream. She would inherit the estate one day and had decided that she also wanted to work at the company. If it was going to be hers, she wanted to make sure everything ran properly before then.

Robert's other girls had both decided they didn't want a stake in the company, even though he had offered to split it three ways. Edith, his middle child, married a Marquess and so she had no desire to run an estate. While money was not even a blip on her radar anymore, she would still inherit her fair share of her parents' money one day. Sybil would get the same. She also hadn't wanted to work at the estate. No, she had wanted to become a doctor, an OBGYN, to be exact. So that left Mary. And Mary was a determined one.

She was also Anna Smith's friend.

John sighed again. Anna.

A year and a half ago, the two were engaged to get married. They had been deeply in love and had plans for a family. Anna spoke often of wanting a son to look like his father and John would laugh and say no a daughter to look like her.

But that had ended. When Anna wanted to travel and explore the world, John had taken it as though she wanted to break up. So, they had. And he hadn't seen her since the day she left their flat in tears.

Since that day, Mary was always staring at him when she thought he wasn't looking. Her eyes bore into his skin.

But today, he knew there was more to it. Anna was back in town. She had written a book. A successful book. There was a book signing at the bookstore on the estate. People had been talking about it all over town. Anna Smith from their town, a writer! They all exclaimed.

A loud breath left Mary's lips and John glanced up to meet her gaze.

"Are you going to go to the book signing?" Mary finally questioned.

"No," John quickly replied.

"Of course you aren't," Mary scoffed. Mary stood from her desk and placed some of her papers into a folder. "For some reason, she still loves you."

At that, she got John's attention again.

"She does not. Plus, she got what she wanted," John reminded Mary. John always kept their talks to work business only. Talks about Anna always caused the two of them to argue.

"No, she didn't. She wanted you to come with her. To travel. To see the world and you kept yourself right here in Downton," Mary argued.

"We were getting married. You don't just…." John stopped himself and shook his head. "Never mind. I'm not arguing about this with you, Mary."

Mary lifted her eyebrows, but didn't say another word. She turned and headed down the corridor where her main office was.

John huffed. But his fingers decided to check the book signing information one more time. He clicked open the screen and her face was staring back at him. With a sigh, he closed his laptop and got back to work.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"This is so wonderful, Anna! Truly!" Daisy exclaimed. She wrapped her arms around Anna's neck and held her close. For years, the two had worked at Downton together.

"Thank you, Daisy."

"We're all quite proud of you," Mrs. Patmore added. "We make sure to tell everyone in town that we know you."

"Yes, they do," Mrs. Carson stated with a smile. "We're all proud."

"Thank you. I can't thank you enough for all your support. I am so glad to be back here at Downton. I missed you all. I wanted to come back sooner, but…." Anna's words faded. Thankfully, the others missed it, because the announcer began to introduce Anna.

While he spoke, Anna's eyes fell over the crowd. She saw Mary up front with several books already in her hands, making Anna chuckle. But who she wanted to see was nowhere in the audience. It was the real reason she hadn't returned home. He had been angry with her. He read her want to travel as though she wanted to leave him. For someone who had always been able to read her, he had read her so terribly that day.

The announcer finished his introduction and Anna took her seat at the table. She pushed a bright smile on her lips and tried not to think about John. For nearly two hours, she signed books and took pictures. Every Downton native told her how proud they were of her. All of these people who didn't know her were proud of Anna. A random, nobody from their town had become someone.

"How does this work, exactly?" A familiar voice spoke. Anna glanced up and her heart skipped a beat. He was here. John was here. Her lips curled into a smile, but she bit down on the corner to keep it from being too noticeable.

"What…what would you like me to sign?" Anna asked.

"I guess to John," he stated. His jaw was clinched in the way he always kept it when he was unsure of how he felt about a situation. Anna had to hold every ounce of willpower to keep herself from jumping up and wrapping her arms around his neck. She had missed him, so much.

But she needed to move on from that dream. He had moved on. He had hurt her too, in many ways.

Anna quickly wrote inside of his book and slid it back to him.

"It was nice seeing you," Anna sincerely stated. "Will you be at the party Mary is throwing?"

"I…I'm not sure that's a good idea, Anna," John replied. Anna's face fell, but she quickly covered it up.

"Oh, okay."

She didn't have time to say much more, because there were still people who wanted to meet her. John moved out of the way and Anna watched as his frame disappeared within the crowd.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Walking away, John opened the book to see what Anna had written.

To John. Love you always, Anna.

John glanced back at Anna and saw her smiling and taking pictures with some younger girls. Her face was bright. His heart twisted. He wanted to rush back to her and crash his lips into hers. But he held himself back, turned, and left.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

He showed up. He wasn't sure why. Or what he was doing here, exactly. Maybe he needed to know for sure that she was happy. Maybe he needed to make sure that there was no longer a spark between the two of them. He wasn't sure.

"Bates!" Robert's voice boomed. He and Cora walked over to John and offered him a glass of champagne. "You made it just in time for the speech."

"Speech?"

"Yes, Mary is making Anna do a speech," Cora explained. "Poor Anna."

"Oh she'll do great," Robert replied.

"She will," John agreed.

John watched as Anna was brought to the front of the room by Mary.

"Our lady of honor! Anna Smith!" Mary announced. "My best friend," she added with a bright smile. Mary stepped aside and he watched as Anna shifted uneasily on her feet. She had never been one to want much attention and he was sure the book signing had been plenty for her that day.

"Hello everyone and thank you for coming out to celebrate with me. When I first wrote my story and took it to the first few publishing companies, they all begged for me to change the ending. A tragic love story was not what they wanted. They said that people needed happy endings, but I refused. Tragedy can show us what really matters. With life comes tragedy. We lose the people we love, but because we know that can happen, we cherish them more deeply. I do hope you enjoyed I'll Find You. Thank you everyone!"

John sat back. He wondered if her tragic book had been created out of their heartbreak. Or perhaps something she had gone through in her travels. He wasn't sure.

Before she left, Anna had spoken of writing children's books. She had never mentioned the idea of a tragic love story to John. All her ideas had been happy and joyful, with a sense of adventure for children.

With a sigh, John headed back to the corner of the room, staying hidden out of plain sight. He didn't want to speak with Anna, but he did want to be here in support of her. His love for her hadn't faded, even though he had often wished it had.

For hours he was able to get away with minimal talks with random people. Mary avoided him, thankfully, and Robert had been busy making sure he got a chance to speak with everyone. So when John decided it was time to duck out, he hadn't expected to run smack into Anna outside.

He ran into her as she rushed across the threshold.

"Sorry," Anna said, stepping back one stair. "I wasn't looking where I was going."

"I…..What are you doing outside? Shouldn't you be in there?" John questioned.

"I….I was going back in when you bumped into me," Anna reminded him. "I just needed to get out for a few minutes. It's overwhelming being the center of attention. Everyone is so proud of what I've accomplished," Anna stated. John nodded.

"Yes. A tragic tell, you say? I thought your plan was children's books."

"It was, but things change," Anna quietly said. She met John's eyes and twisted her lips to one side, before biting down on her lower lip. "Are….are you happy?"

"I'm content," John simply answered. "My fiancée decided to leave me and see the world," he added as a jab at her. He wasn't even sure where it came from. Pent up anger, he assumed, from the past year and a half. Anna stepped back slightly, as though she had been slapped, and took in a shuddering breath.

"That's not how it happened," she replied. "I wanted you to come with me." Anna's lips were quivering with her own anger. "I wanted to go together."

"We were getting married in two weeks, Anna. How else was I supposed to see it?"

Anna shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. "I guess you made your choice and I made mine."

Stepping forward, Anna pushed past John to go back inside. But before she could step through the door, John paused her by placing his hand on her shoulder.

"You ruined my life," he muttered. Anna blinked harshly. He saw tears well in her eyes and immediately he felt like an ass. But before he could say anything else, Anna had quickly stepped away and disappeared.

A heavy sigh left his lips and he clinched his jaw. He glanced back in the house and then decided it was time to leave. He'd done enough damage for the night.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John awoke to pounding on his front door. He was on his couch and felt confused for a brief moment. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was one in the afternoon. He must have fallen asleep on the couch after he had eaten his lunch. John wasn't normally one to nap. He rubbed his hand over his face and yawned.

The pounding came back at his door and he jumped up off the couch. It was a Sunday and he didn't work on Sundays. He was curious who could be here.

Upon opening the door, he saw it was Mary on the other side. Before he could ask her why she would be at his door on a Sunday, he noticed her face was full of anguish and covered with fresh tears. A sob broke through her lips and John quickly helped her in through his door.

"Mary? What's wrong? What's happened?"

Mary's head harshly shook.

"I…..I thought you….you should be told in person," Mary began, but her shoulders were shaking so harshly that she was having a hard time getting the words out.

"Is it your father? Has something happened to Robert?" Mary's head shook. "Mary?"

"It…it's Anna," Mary cried.

"Anna?" John questioned, his heart falling into his chest. "What's happened to Anna?"

"She's…..she died, John. Anna…Anna's dead."

To be continued...

Please let me know if you'd like more. Trust me that this story has a ways to go. :) Thank you in advance!