Dear Adora,
I started to think about this a long time ago but for the last few months it has really stuck on my mind, so I am writing this letter to tell you. I hope you will not be mad at me.
The truth is, I am…
I lift my pencil and scratch my head. It is really hard to come out with the right words. I had plenty of time to turn the issue around my head when I was healing but still, I pushed it away for such a while… I could not hold my secret back any longer anyway, and I might as well spill the beans now, before Adora and I… before we become something.
The truth is, I am a guy.
It sounds ridiculous now that it is written black over white. She will choke with laughter when she will read that. Things are much more complicated than that.
The truth is, I am a guy in a girl's body.
All right, now, gross. The last thing I want to write about here are my genitalia.
The truth is, I am not a girl
I used to be a girl, or I guess I was somehow… but I do not want to be a woman.
The truth is, I am not a girl. I would understand if you do not want me, because you like girls, and you have already forgiven me so many things. But I love you and
I feel like the dumbest jock. Why are words this hard when you need them most? I fold my paper into a ball and throw it away.
Dear Adora,
I
"Hey, Catra, what's up?"
I jump from my seat and growls of fear, only to see Scorpia's face blinking two surprised eyes at me.
"Oops, sorry wildcat, didn't mean to scare you."
"Would you mind knocking at the bloody door for once?!" I groan angrily.
"Is this… is this a bad time?" she asks with a worried tone. "I am so sorry! I can come back later you know."
"No, it's fiiiiine" I sigh, "Now that you are here, say what you have to say anyway".
She seats on an armchair that just happends to be in my room. I call it mine because Adora is almost always away playing captain She-Ra in every place while I miserably stay back. I was tempted to join her in clandestinity once or twice but it seemed she could feel it, because she called me and gave me something to do for her that I could not refuse, because it was… well, for her.
"I was wondering if you had the ground maps of the South-East region of the Fright Zone. Entrapta said the digital version is corrupted or something… I know you threw away a lot of your former second-in-command stuff when we raided the Fright Zone but…"
"Of course I kept them" I reply dryly. "I'm not an idiot."
"No, of course no" she answers with an uneasy smile. "But you know, in the thrill of the moment… hehe." She does not finish her sentence when she sees my angry face. "Anyway, I will not bother you longer."
She takes the maps and rolls them the best she can given her clumsy excuse for hands. She prepares to leave when I reluctantly hear myself say:
"… Can I talk to you for a minute, please?"
Her expression brightens. "Of course!" And she jumps back into the armchair while I seat myself on my bed. The small awkward silence that follows leads me to think I made a poor decision.
"So, wildcat, what's on your mind?"
"Hey, it's hard to know how to begin, okay?"
"Wow, calm down, I'm just here to help!"
"… sorry…"
I sigh. I was hoping she of all people would understand, since she was no traditional… princess; yet the fact we were, let's say closer than most made it actually harder. I take a good breath.
"I'm just afraid Adora doesn't love me as much as she says she does."
"What?!" Scorpia gasps. "Who are you kidding? Your love was so strong it literally pulled her out of a space vortex!"
Interesting interpretation of what happened up there, I must say. I should have a word with Entrapta at some point, I am positive she will enjoy a theoretical development on this matter.
"Even if you were right, it's still my love that pulled her out of the portal. It does not mean anything about her love. She keeps going away from me ever since I landed in the Whispering Woods with a Horde Prime security ship; it got even worse and since I rescued her, I have almost not seen her. It feels like she is avoiding me."
"Well, I dunno what to say" she answers with an alarmed tone, "I have always seen you two like the two twigs on a branch."
Two twigs. On a branch. Now she sounds like one of the hippies of the Bath Bomb and Sparkles Gang.
I can understand Adora. I have a lot on my plate, and between forgiveness and love there is a huge step. And I am about to ask for more than she already gave, an attitude that reminds me way too much of the pest I am pulling all my efforts on not being.
"It's just…" bloody hell, it is harder than I thought it is to be a weak sentimental twig. "It's just that I am scared she saved me for the sake of old times but realised how much of a failure I am compared to her, and that the almighty war goddess she is deserves bett…"
Before I finish my sentence, something crimson and hard slaps me so hard on the face I am actually expelled from the bed on which I lied down. I recover my spirits and half-stand to a very red, very angry and almost crying Scorpia.
"You are NOT a failure! I don't want to hear you say that! Sure, you did a lot of things wrong, but you've changed so much since you arrived in the Rebellion, and you fought so hard to overcome all your issues. I don't know why Adora isn't there as much as you wish but she deserves every bit of you there is."
She catches a loud breath and hands me a helping claw for me to get back on my feet.
"Wow" is the only thing I manage to get out of my mouth while I vigorously massage my cheek.
"Sorry I punched you. Do you need ice? I'm sorry…"
"Oh, stop being so you!"
She beams and I imitate her with a sad smile. I am not sure I can believe her yet.
I have changed, it is true. I was so tired of being angry all the time to I was at my worst, hurt and abandoned by all the people I cared about, my anger was all I had left and it was not pretty. It dragged me out of the abyss and made me fight but it never filled the void that was inside me. Quite the contrary, now that I think of it: every time I was full of ire and hatred, the hole in my chest just felt more piercing and deep and empty.
Now it just feels empty.