The phone rings twice before Alice's voice is heard from the speaker.
"Step away from the computer," she says right away, already knowing what I'm doing.
"He's dating her," I say.
"I'll say it again: step away from the computer." Her voice is commanding.
"I'm telling you, dude. His face is all over her profile." I ignore her as I scroll through Tanya Denali's Facebook profile. Pictures of her and Edward in bars and some lame touristy places fill my screen.
It's 2am and I'm cyber-stalking some girl I don't even know. But she's dating Edward Cullen. My Edward Cullen.
Well, not really mine anymore.
"Isabella Marie Swan."
"Hey, what's with the middle naming?"
"You broke up with him, remember? He's allowed to date other people!"
"Remind me again why I did that?"
"Because," she says, sounding exhausted. We already had his conversation about a million times before. "You're an idiot. But until you figure it out for yourself, I can't help you."
I roll my eyes at what she says even though I know she's absolutely right. I am an idiot.
"Whatever."
"I'm going to hang up now. Turn off that fucking computer." She hangs up after that.
Why did I break up with him?
I've known him for years. We went to high school together. Edward, Alice and I were practically inseparable; living so close to each other helped. I knew he had a thing for me, but I always ignored it not wanting to cause any drama. The irony.
When we went to UW our small trio expanded when Alice met Jasper, her now fiancée. With him came Emmett and Rosalie.
We started dating our last year of college and everything was great. We were happy.
But one morning I woke up and couldn't do it anymore. I was so in love with him, still so in love with him, but that little annoying fucking voice inside my head told me he's too good for me. Too good-looking, too smart, too everything and I just knew that someday he would break up with me because, really, how can someone be that perfect?
So I made the first step.
When he asked me to marry him I freaked out because marriages don't work. Charlie and Renee made my life hell, using me as a pawn to get back at each other throughout my childhood. So I broke up with him, telling him some lie about not feeling it anymore. He caught my lie in a heartbeat because no one knows me better than him. Not even me. We fought for hours until he gave up and left. It's been 6 months and I still can't breathe sometimes when I hear his name.
I picked up my phone again calling the only person I know that would be up at 2am on a fucking Tuesday.
"'Sup fucker?" Emmett answers.
"What you up to?"
"Rose is working the night shift, so nothing," he drawls, and I hear the TV in the background.
"Wanna get drunk?" I try to sound casual but I know I'm failing.
"Did you cyber stalk Edward again? Dude, you have got to get it together."
"You want to get drunk or not?" I'm annoyed now.
"You're lucky I like you, Swan. All that girly shit is—" I hang up the phone before he can finish and order an Uber to Rose and Emmett's apartment, shoving the bottle of tequila in my bag. Gotta love Jose.
I don't knock on the door as I enter Emmett and Rose's apartment; I've known them long enough. Besides, I have a key.
I flop down on the couch next to Emmett and kick off my shoes.
"Slob," Emmett mutters
"Fuck you." I'm in a bad mood, I know it. But he's fucking dating that blonde and I can't be nice tonight.
"I swear to god I'll kick you out."
"I brought tequila," I say, and pull the bottle from my bag. Emmett looks at me for a couple of seconds, his face blank.
"Fine, you can stay. But enough with the fucking pity party. Seriously, it's getting old."
I open the bottle and take a swig. "He's dating someone," I say
He looks at me and says nothing, and I take another swig. Emmett's reaction says it all—he already knows. I mean, he and Edward have been best friends for years.
XXX
I'm drunk and pacing the small living room, almost empty bottle in hand. Emmett is on the couch looking at me, amused.
"It's like he's doing it on purpose you know?" My voice is sluggish at best. "She's, like, the complete opposite of me! Tall, blonde, fucking gorgeous," I point the bottle in Emmett's direction. "I would do her." The amused look doesn't leave Emmett's face as he lets me vent.
"Why did you break up with him anyway?" Emmett asks.
I look at him and stop my pacing, not knowing how to answer that. Even though he's one of my best friends, I've never talked to him about emotions and shit.
"I don't know," I lie, and sit on the floor.
"Sure you do." I raise a brow at that. "What, you think Rose didn't tell me?"
I sigh.
"Fine. But if you ever share what I'm about to say to you I'll cut your dick off," I threaten. Taking another swig, I put the bottle on the floor. Emmett raises his hand in surrender and signals me to continue talking.
"He's just too perfect you know? Like, everything he touches is amazing. Whatever he does is fucking flawless. So what does he see in me? And I had this feeling that he's gonna break up with me because I can't fucking measure up to 'The Amazing Edward.' So I just did it first." I shrug at the end.
"Bell, he is so in love with you, it's disgusting."
I look at him in disbelief
"Yeah, but what makes you think it won't go away, you know? Like, one day he loves me and the next he's dating fucking Malibu Barbie. I can't be Malibu Barbie"
"No," he laughs. "You can't." I give him a look.
"Screw you."
"Potty mouth."
I laugh because no one called me a potty mouth since I called Mike Newton a buttface when we were 6. I say that to Emmett, and he laughs, too.
"Look," he says and puts his elbows on his thighs, leaning closer to me. "You gotta get your shit together, dude. And fast." I make an unpleasant face at that. I have my shit together. Kinda. Okay that's a lie, I'm all over the place and I know it.
"Do you love him?" he asks after a couple minutes of silence.
"Yeah, of course," I answer in a heartbeat.
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?"
"Just answer the fucking question, woman."
I don't even need to think about it when I answer him "Because he's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's funny and smart, and he doesn't mind that I'm a total fucking freak show."
"And a potty mouth," Emmett adds.
"Whatever, he likes it." I give him a half smile. He looks at me and says nothing, so I continue "And when he looks at me he actually sees me. I don't even have to talk around him. I love that he's a complete fucking dork with all the Marvel shit that clutters his room, and I love how he gets all excited when we go see a movie that he literally bounces when we wait in line." I smile when I say all these things because they're all true. I'm completely in love with him "Also, he's so pretty," I whine, and Emmett laughs.
There are a few minutes of silence before Emmett speaks again.
"Look, I'm gonna tell you something, but if you tell anyone I will cut your dick off," he threatens, and it's my turn to lift my hands up in surrender, keeping a completely serious face.
I try to keep my tone even. "You're a psycho."
"I'm scared shitless that Rose will break up with me," he says in a small voice, and for a second I think I didn't hear him right. He starts talking again before I even open my mouth, "I'm dead serious. Have you looked at her? She's the perfect fucking woman and I'm an oversized twelve-year-old. But that doesn't stop me from showing her how much I love her every day and pray that she would spend the rest of her life with me. And if she does break up with me, let me tell you I'm not going down without a fight." We look at each other for a moment before he averts his gaze. I have no idea what to say to that.
"She loves you, Em," I whisper.
"I know." He looks at me again with a small smile. "You shouldn't give up on him Bella. He still loves you."
"He asked me to marry him." It's the first time I told this to anyone. It's the first time I said those words out loud.
"When?" Emmett asks, shocked, eyes wide
"The day I broke up with him he asked me to marry him and I flipped out and ended it." I sigh because as I say this I understand that's such a dumb thing to do.
"Newsflash Bella: people who are going to break up with you don't usually propose!" His eyes are angry when I look at him.
"Marriage is bullshit, Em. My parents got married and look how that turned out!" I'm reeling because Emmett knows where I stand when it comes to that subject.
"Well you're not Renee and he's not Charlie. Dude, you know better than that!"
"How do you know?" I challenge him.
"First of all your names are Edward and Bella, dummy." His comment makes me laugh a little bit, and I'm grateful that he made it a little easier for me to talk about this. "And second, and I cannot stress this enough, you love each other to the point that it's disgusting. So stop being an ass and apologize to him." His tone is hard and he gets up, leaving me with my thoughts.
XXX
The sun is too bright when I wake up on the couch, head pounding.
"Morning, princess," Rose says when I walk to the kitchen.
"Coffee," I mumble, throat dry. Rose hands me a cup of coffee and I sit on the barstool near the kitchen island.
"Heard you and Em had a heart-to-heart last night," she says
"Yup," I say, and take a sip of much needed caffeine. "He's a keeper, Rose," I tell her in a serious tone.
"I know," she agrees, tone matching mine.
I groan and cover my face with my hands. "I'm such an idiot." My voice is muffled.
"Can't argue with that."
"What am I gonna do?" I ask her, and the way she looks at me makes me want to cry. I fucked up big time, I know it, and I have no idea how to fix it.
"Just talk to him, Bell. Tell him how you feel."
"He's dating Malibu Barbie," I say, and she snorts.
"They're not dating." She shakes her head, laughing "First of all, gross, she's Carlisle's cousin or something."
"What?" I bang my hands on the table so hard that coffee spills from my cup. Rose gives me a dirty look and throws paper towels at me. I mumble sorry and clean up.
"Secondly, she has a boyfriend," she finishes.
"Does Alice know?" I ask, remembering our phone call last night.
"Are you some special kind of stupid or something? Of course Alice knows, she's his fucking sister."
"She basically told me they were dating last night."
"Disgusting."
I walk back to the living to find my phone and call Alice.
"You're a bad friend," I say as she answers.
"Not true at all," she retorts.
"He's not dating her and you knew that! Why didn't you tell me?" I accuse.
"I told you, I can't help you until you figure out for yourself that you're an idiot."
"Well, I figured it out."
"About fucking time," she deadpans "Now go apologize to him and beg for him to take you back."
"Do I actually have to beg?" I whine because I know I definitely will.
"Yes."
"Can't I just suck his dick until he forgives me or something?"
"Dude!" she yells. "He's my brother. I don't need to hear that." I laugh and she hangs up the phone.
I gather all my things and walk back into the kitchen. Rosalie and Emmett stop talking when they see me. I say a quick goodbye and decide to walk home instead of taking an Uber, hoping the walk will give me time to think about what to say to Edward when I see him.
I'm not sure I should do this today because I'm hungover and sad, and a poor excuse for a human being, but I can't wait. I've wasted too much time already. I know I want to be with him for the rest of my life and even that doesn't feel like enough time.
God, I'm an idiot.
I take a quick shower when I get to my apartment and gather my thoughts as much as I can. Excitement and fear course through me. My stomach clenches when I leave again.
XXX
It's 9am and I know that on Wednesdays he starts late, so I go straight to his apartment. I decide not to call first; the element of surprise and all that.
I look up at his building and I think I might actually throw up. I quickly enter his building and soon enough I'm standing at his door.
I'm pacing in the hall a few minutes before I can actually bring myself to knock on his door, scared he'll slam it in my face. But eventually I do.
"Bella," he breathes in surprise when he sees me. My body immediately wakes up when I hear him say my name. I want to touch him so bad my fingers tingle and I have to push them in my pocket so I won't reach over and touch his stubble.
He's still in his pajamas—an old pair of sweatpants and an old T-shirt I bought for him when we were in high school. A small smile creeps in when I see it, but I push it down. I'm on a mission.
"Hey," I say. I breathe in deeply and I can actually smell him—he smells like home.
"What—" He stammers, a bit confused, and runs a hand through his hair.
"I love you," I blurt out. Clearly I'm still drunk and this was a bad, bad idea, but what's done is done. So I just keep going, pushing him aside and walking straight to his apartment.
"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I'm so sorry I broke up with you and I'm sorry I've been an idiot and I'm sorry it took me this long to figure it out," I say it all in a rush, not breathing. "I love you so much," I add.
He looks at me with something between anger and frustration.
"You can't just show up here like this, Bella." His tone is angry. "You can't do that, not after all this time."
"I know, I know," I say and my hand grabs the back of my neck. "I'm sorry," I apologize again.
I look up at him, jaw clenched and eyes cold. I've never seen that look on his face and when I realize I might not be able to get him back I feel the tears start to well up. His eyes soften for a moment, but then it's gone again.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Bella. It's been six months." His tone is softer now.
"I know, I'm sorry," I say again.
"You've said that already." I kind of want to laugh because talking to him again feels so good, even when he's mad because this is us. This is what we do. We don't take crap from each other, ever.
"I know it might be too late, I know, but I just had to come here and tell you that I'm still so in love with you it hurts." I'm laying it all out there today because this might be my only chance with him.
"Then why did you break up with me?" His voice is so hurt, I want to hug him.
"I was scared," I say, voice barely a whisper.
"Of what?"
"I was scared you'd wake up one day and realize that you're too good to be with me and walk out,"
"You broke up with me because you didn't want me to break up with you?" His voice is angry again and I look at my shoes. "Don't take this the wrong way but, are you stupid?" My head shoots up to look at him.
"Yes," I answer in a heartbeat.
"Seriously, Bella, of all the dumb shit you've done over the years this is by far the dumbest." His tone is angry, frustrated.
"I know," is all I can say. We're silent for a moment when Edward walks to his couch and sits down. I follow him because it's been too long since I've been near him and now I'm afraid I can't get away.
"I was all in you know," he says in a soft tone, as if he's talking to himself. "From the moment I saw you, I knew. This was it. I didn't need anyone as long as I had you right there next to me. I wasn't going to break up with you; it took me years just to get you to go out with me. I wanted to marry you, Bella! I fucking proposed and you flipped out!" His tone gets angrier as he talks, and I realize it's more than just me apologizing. He needs to get mad at me.
"I'm sorry," I say again, but he doesn't listen as he gets up from the couch and looks down at me, pacing the small living room.
"And then you just fucking up and leave without any warning! It took me months to try and get over you! Months! I'm still not fucking over you." He's full on yelling at me right now and I can feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I can't say anything except sorry anymore.
"I'm sorry, I really am," I say again. "But you wouldn't understand."
"How do you know that? You didn't even try to explain! You just left!"
"Your family is so perfect, with their happy marriage and happy children. Your childhood was all rainbows and unicorns and shit," I say, and he gives me a pointed look as if to say that it's not true. "Don't give me that look. We grew up together. Esme is basically an angel. All I had growing up was fighting when they're married and then using me to fight after the divorce."
"You should have talked to me about this, Bell, not just run away." He's still pacing the living room. Still furious.
"I know. I was stupid, I understand that now," I say, not averting my gaze from him and he's quiet for a heartbeat.
"How do I know you won't do it again?" He stops his pacing and looks at me, eyes hard again
"Because I can't stay away from you anymore, not even if you tried. I barely breathe when you're not around. I've been a hot mess these past months. The only thing I can do is look at pictures of you, drink, and cry," I admit, my voice shaking. I wipe my wet tears from my cheeks with my sleeve. "And I'll do whatever it takes to be with you again. Anything."
"You can't run away anymore," he says, and I look in his eyes—they're softer now. "And you need to talk to me, really talk to me, because hiding your fears from me isn't gonna work anymore." The realization hits me that he might actually want me back.
I nod my head. "Anything you want."
"I swear to god, Bella, I'm not letting you do this again. If we're getting back together, that's it. It's forever." He sits next to me on the couch and I can't help it anymore, I reach my hand to touch his cheek and he leans into my touch, closing his eyes.
"I swear I'm not going away. I'm so sorry," I whisper.
"I've missed you so much." His words make my heart miss a beat.
He grabs my face with both hands and kisses me hard. We're kissing for the last six months we've missed. For all the apologies and heartbreak. For our new start.
"I love you," I say again.
"I love you, too."
So insperation hit and i couldn't say no.
Big thanks to iambeagle for helping me do this and actually like it, you know im kinda inlove with you, right?
Thanks for reading :)