The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is out at the library looking up facts. Just more madness from my tiny little mind.
Don't Get Smart With Me
"Greetings Internet Viewers!" Krieger waved. He was in a large library. "Once again it's time for that bastion of knowledge known as Krieger's Korner!"
"More like bunch of crap you got from the Internet," Pam remarked. She was sitting on a couch with Cyril and Ray.
"You all know our panel," Krieger pointed. "Starting on the far right, Cyril Figgis, the lovely Pam Poovey and Ray Gillette."
"I had nothing better to do," Cyril admitted.
"Me too," Ray nodded.
"Today's show is about increasing your intelligence," Krieger explained. "Or at the very least ways to make you feel smarter."
"I think a lot of viewers feel smarter when they watch this show," Ray remarked.
Pam snickered. "Yeah, they look at us and think I can't be any dumber than those guys!"
"Speaking of dumb," Cyril remarked. "Where's Cheryl?"
"Honestly I have no idea," Ray remarked. "And I don't really care."
"It's for the best she's not here," Pam sighed. "Trying to teach Cheryl anything is like trying to convince a hooker to sleep with you for free. You can talk all you want but nothing is gonna happen."
"However, you can get on a discount plan," Cyril spoke up. "You know a lot of your upper-class escort services have them."
They looked at Cyril. "What?" He said defensively. "I get e-mails all the time!"
"Let's get on with the facts," Krieger said.
"Just the facts, Man," Pam quipped.
"I thought I just gave one," Cyril said.
"He's not wrong," Pam admitted.
"Okay first fact…" Krieger pressed on. "Puffins are seabirds that can use tools! Rocks and sticks yeah. But they count as tools!"
"Unless they're trained to flip burgers at a fast food restaurant I'm not really impressed," Cyril said.
"They could end up as burgers at a fast food restaurant if they don't do their jobs," Pam snickered.
"The state song of Connecticut is Yankee Doodle!" Ray spoke up. "And there's a very interesting story of how I learned that fun fact."
"We should save that story for Krieger's Korner After Dark," Krieger told him. "If it's anything like your other stories."
"Here's a fun fact. Killer whales are actually dolphins," Cyril said.
"Why are they called whales then?" Ray asked.
"Probably some asshole made a fat joke that stuck," Pam grunted.
"Here's a little vocabulary that will help you out," Krieger said. "A librocubicularist is a person who reads in bed."
"What about a person who eats in bed?" Pam asked.
"Messy," Ray told her.
"Stress can turn a person's hair gray by triggering the body's fight or flight responses," Krieger added.
"Which explains Cyril's hair," Pam remarked. "Actually now that I think about it, I'm amazed all of it hasn't turned gray yet after everything you've been through."
"Ditto," Cyril groaned.
"I like his gray," Ray defended. "Makes him look distinguished."
"Thank you," Cyril smiled.
"Well as distinguished as Cyril can get," Ray added. "But it still makes him look good."
"I can't wait until your hair turns white Blondie," Cyril shot back. "Then we'll see who looks good!"
"That's right," Pam realized. "Blond hair turns white. Damn I'm gonna be a fox when I'm older."
"Me too," Ray preened.
"Let's do some more facts that will help make you smarter," Krieger sighed. "Or at the very least help you seem to be smarter."
"I am smart!" Pam snapped. "I know a lot about things you can't imagine!"
"Like what?" Cyril asked.
"Did you know cows have almost 360-degree vision?" Pam asked. "They can see predators from all angles. Ironically though they are not that good at looking straight ahead. Which is basically the best way to come at them if you're gonna shoot them with a gun for their meat."
"Pam!" Ray gasped.
"What?" Pam snapped. "That's what we did on the farm when the slaughterhouse started increasing their prices!"
"Oh boy…" Cyril winced.
Pam added. "They also have a very acute sense of smell and can detect odors from up to six miles away. Let's just say my Uncle Paul learned the hard way that you should always wash the clothes you slaughter cattle in every time you use them."
"I take it the cows took offense to that," Cyril remarked.
"They did," Pam said. "They smelled the blood and gunpowder and went on the offense!"
"They went on a stampede, didn't they?" Ray asked.
"Among other things," Pam said. "Ever see a cow try to use a gun? Spoiler alert, they really can't aim. At all. Again, the whole they can't see straight and pulling the trigger with its tongue."
"Oh my God…" Cyril groaned.
"Ironically more cows died from each other than what Uncle Paul intended," Pam went on. "When he got out of the hospital a few days later we had a big ol' barbecue! Of course, we had to be careful that we didn't swallow any bullets. Unfortunately, Uncle Paul wasn't so he had to go back to the hospital…"
"I wish I could go back in time," Cyril sighed. "To the day before I met any of these people."
Pam sighed. "I think that was one of our better family gatherings after a wild animal attack."
"I think my IQ just sank fifteen points just listening to that story," Cyril groaned.
"Fun fact! Cows move their jaws up to 40,000 times a day," Pam added.
"You beat that easy," Ray said. "On a slow day!"
"Hey guys," Cheryl walked into the room and sat down quickly. "What are we doing? I'm not doing anything. Nope. No-sirreee! Not a thing. Haven't done anything all day!"
"You haven't done anything all week," Ray looked at her.
"And you can keep not doing anything," Cyril sighed. "We'll finish Krieger's show."
"Oh," Cheryl blinked. "Hello out there!" She waved to the camera. "What are you guys talking about?"
"We were supposed to talk about facts that would make our viewers smarter," Ray explained. "But then it devolved into why there should be gun control for cows."
"Yeah cows can not shoot straight at all," Cheryl agreed. "I think it's that straight vision problem they have. Which is ironic considering they can see almost all around them."
"Unless you're standing right in front of them," Pam nodded.
"They won't even notice you," Cheryl nodded. "Unless you're covered in cow blood and guts. Then they'll smell you and that's when the side of beef will have a beef with you!"
Ray looked at the two of them. "It's scary how much you two are alike sometimes."
"That's because they share a single brain cell," Cyril grumbled.
"O-kay," Krieger sighed. "Let's go to another fun fact, shall we?"
"If we must," Ray quipped.
"Oh, I have one," Cheryl spoke up. "Hippos are omnivores. That means they can eat meat as well as plants. One ate my great uncle twice removed Larry Tuntingtunt. But in fairness my great uncle probably should have fed it before bragging to his friends that he could put his head in a hippo's mouth."
"Why?" Cyril began.
"It was a fancy family dinner. Another one of my relatives was going on and on about how brave a lion tamer she saw was for putting his head in a lion's mouth," Cheryl explained. "Uncle Larry who was a bit of an egomaniac said that was nothing. He could put his head in a hippo's mouth and that was just as brave. My other relatives challenged him to prove it. So, they all went down to his private zoo…"
"I think we can figure out the rest," Cyril cut her off.
"He didn't prove his bravery," Krieger said. "He proved his stupidity!"
"Speaking of stupidity…Never turn your back on a tom turkey during mating season," Ray added. "My Cousin Gil learned that the hard way."
"What is this?" Cyril asked. "An episode of When Animals Attack? Can we talk about some other kind of facts? Please?"
"Did you know that you have been eating bananas wrong?" Krieger asked as he held up a banana. "The best way is to peel from the bottom! Not the top! Just squish the bottom with your thumb and forefinger…Voila!"
"Cool," Cheryl said.
"I did not know that," Ray was surprised.
"You really can learn new things," Pam nodded.
"Where did you get the banana?" Cyril blinked.
"Do you really want to know?" Ray asked.
"I do not," Cyril admitted.
"Here's another interesting fact about bananas," Krieger added. "Most monkeys actually don't eat bananas."
"They don't?" Cheryl did a double take.
"Well not in the wild," Krieger said. "In places where they don't grow. And the bananas they do find in the wild are nothing like the grocery store bananas you see."
"Now you tell me," Cheryl groaned. "Well I guess that explains that!"
"What explains what?" Cyril looked at Cheryl. "What did you do?"
"SCREEE! SCREEE! SCREEE!"
"What the hell is going on outside?" Ray did a double take.
"Funny story…" Cheryl shrugged. "I bought some monkeys online from somewhere in Asia."
"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Why would you do that?" Ray shouted above the noise.
"They were on sale," Cheryl said matter of factly. "Plus, you know? I thought I could train them to be my minions."
"With bananas…" Pam realized.
"Yeah it didn't quite work out," Cheryl nodded.
"And now we have a troop of wild monkeys running amok," Ray groaned.
"How many monkeys are out there?" Cyril asked, panic rising in his voice.
"Fifty," Cheryl said.
"WHY WOULD YOU BUY FIFTY MONKEYS?" Cyril shouted.
"It's cheaper to buy in bulk," Cheryl said.
"I think now is a good place to stop the show," Ray advised Krieger.
"A good place to stop this show is before we started!" Cyril snapped.
"Next time on Krieger's Korner," Krieger said as he took out a tranquilizer gun. "How to fend off a wild monkey attack. With our good friend, Mr. Tranquilizer Gun!"
"Another day," Ray groaned. "Another gray hair!"
"The way my life is going," Cyril groaned. "I'm lucky I have any hair left!"