"Log Date. Steven is attempting to show me one of humanity's meaningless distractions. He calls it "Camp Pining Hearts" said Peridot into the tape recorder. Steven had gifted it to her about a month ago, and had been taking audio logs ever since.
"Don't say that!" replied Steven while setting up the TV in the barn. "I know you're going to like it!". The TV turned on, and Steven inserted the VHS tape.
"Baseless dribble. I'll have no part in it!" said Peridot. The show went on as Steven expected for another five minutes, but after a brief burst of static, another show started. Peridot noticed what she assumed to be a human slightly older than Steven in a bathroom, using a non-gem comb to properly organize his keratin strands. A gruff voice rang out from the TV. " Morty!"
Steven groaned "Amethyst recorded one of her shows over my complete Camp Pining Hearts collection again! I'll go get anot-"
"No" shouted Peridot. Camp Pining Hearts might have had some value, but this show spoke to her. As an intellectual, she recognised over 80 jokes in the first 15 seconds. She, despite having no knowledge of the source material, chuckled at the subtle references to various earthly media, such as Turnigev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons . "Steven, I must know the name of this gift to life itself!"
"Uh… Rick and Morty, I think." Peridot seemed pleased with this information.
Peridot turned her full attention back to the TV screen. The human child from earlier (who she assumed to be Morty) was searching for another human, Rick, in a place that Morty called "garage". "Flip over the pickle, Morty. The payoff will be extraordinary" said Rick. Morty performed this act, and Peridot saw a face on the earthen fruit. "I turned myself into a pickle, Morty. I'm Pickle Rick!"
To say Peridot was laughing was an understatement. She started chortling and rolling on the floor for an hour and thirty minutes. Once she had stopped laughing, she pulled out the tape recorder. "I will admit that I was wrong about human media. Steven introduced me to this… Rick and Morty, and my worldview is forever changed. This show displays a level of intellect I thought only attainable by gemkind. I have utter remorse for any insults I have directed towards humankind."
"...You really like that show, huh" said Steven. "I'm not a big fan or anything, but I'm happy for you!"
Peridot didn't hear the compliment, and went on a rant telling Steven how wrong he is about not liking the show. It started with "To be fair, you need to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty"
A couple days later, Peridot was speaking with Yellow Diamond, urging her to save the Earth. Peridot had expected her ever-logical Diamond to understand the value that the Earth contained, but it had gone… less than swimmingly. But she had a trick up her sleeve.
"What do you know about the Earth? Give me one redeeming factor that miserable little pebble has!" barked Yellow Diamond. She expected the Peridot to give her some rare element that could be found in spades on the planet. Maybe she had expected her to fall victim to the organic-loving mentality that had cost her Pink.
Never in a thousand cycles would she have expected the green gem to passionately shout "There's this one television show named Rick and Morty! It's intellect is unparralelled, and it's the funniest fucking shit I've ever seen! This guy turns himself into a pickle! A pickle, you clod!"
Under normal circumstances, being called a clod by a Peridot of all gems would have thrown her into a fit of rage. But the baffling sentences previous just left her visibly confused. After she set the communicator to explode, she yelled at nobody in particular, saying "This resource crisis is ruining us. A gem so defective that she thinks pickles would be cluster fodder in the previous era!".
Her Pearl, after doing some research on Peridot 5XG, said "I don't know, my Diamond. 5XG placed in the 98th percentile of gems in her facet. Perhaps this Brorty and Mick might not be that bad."
"I doubt that anything done by organics could possibly be of worth. Nevertheless, I shall humor their efforts. Pearl, find this show. I must binge watch it.". Yellow Pearl, who had expected to have to go through the trouble of finding primitive Earth servers, was pleasantly surprised to find out that Humans had discovered Hulu and had begun putting their content on it. A mere VPM had allowed Yellow Diamond to watch the entirety of Rick and Morty.
Yellow Diamond was in utter shock. Rose Quartz was right. The humans had achieved perfection . This show… was unlike anything she had ever seen. When Rick Sanchez uttered his eternal catchprase "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub", she spent a week laughing. When the famous Pickle Rick scene happened, she laughed for a month straight.
"Other gems need to see this!" said Yellow Diamond after finishing the viewing session. She needed to contact Blue Diamond, and fast. Using the voice chat in the Diamond Discord server, she said "Blue, you need to see this. It's life changing."
"Sorry Yellow. I'm too busy being sad." said Blue.
"Come on! You can sacrifice just two minutes, can't you?"
Blue had thought her schedule was booked, but if she cancelled her visit to Pink's Garden, she could do whatever Yellow wanted her to do. After thinking it over, she realized there probably wasn't anything of worth there anyways, and agreed to what Yellow wanted. Yellow posted the Youtube link to Pickle Rick in #off_topic, which Blue watched. She had a similar reaction to Peridot and Yellow that I don't feel like writing.
"Yellow!" said Blue. "This is amazing, and also the funniest thing I've ever seen! All my tears have turned into clouds from watching this video! It instantly made me feel better!". Blue Diamond would later go on to call these clouds "drugs", and made a lot of money off of selling them. "I think all of gemkind would benefit from seeing this!"
Spinel… was cold, sad, and above all, bored. Standing in a garden for five thousand years tends to do that to a gem, but she wouldn't lose the game. Surely Pink is just about to warp back to the garden, right? She knew the answer was no, but it was her only way of staying sane.
Suddenly, the long-inactive communicator started lighting up. Finally! Pink is going to tell me I won the game ! She dashed to the communicator and watched as the light flickered on, sobbing with tears of joy. Two Diamonds were displayed on the screen, but neither were the one she wanted to see.
Yellow, looking happier than Spinel had ever seen before, said "Hello, gems across the empire! We have come to make an announcement, an announcement that contains very good news! This good news cannot be withheld from even a single gem! Not even the shattering of Pink Diamond was this essential!". Her Diamond was shattered? Surely this good news is that they found a way to reverse shattering, Right?
Blue chimed in "This short video is incredible. I was going to visit Pink's old garden, but I decided to watch this video instead. I don't regret a bit of it: This clip practically made me incapable of feeling negative emotion! I mean, it's not like there's anything of interest old place! The good memorabillia of Pink is on Earth, where she was shattered by a Rose Quartz! Now, before we show you this epic clip, first we must hear a word from our sponsor, Raid Shadow Legends-"
Blue and Yellow Diamond continued to speak, but Spinel wasn't paying attention. "They're mocking me. Why?" she poofed from anger. While poofed, she decided to get on A03 and clicked on this fanfic. Fuck. I'm in a crackfic. As she is poofed, and poofed gems don't have ears, she was the only gem in the galaxy to not watch Pickle Rick. She was not tricked by it, and went on to lead a rebellion that tried to overthrow the diamonds, who only really seemed interested in watching Pickle Rick. This isn't particularly funny, so that's a story for another time.
Steven was scared. Aquamarine dissasembled Alexandrite in a single hand movement, the gems and the people she tried to kidnap floating in the ocean. She seemed unstoppable, and he could think of only one thing that would save her. Aquamarine was also willing to bargain.
"So, My Dad" said the blue gem. "If you can give us a very specific person, I will leave these humans behind. Are you willing to do this?"
"Yes" said Steven, feeling pretty martyr-y. "And I can give her to you. I'm not my dad. I'm Ros-"
"Give me Pickle Rick" said Aquamarine. Despite the gravity of the situation, Steven couldn't help but chuckle.
"... and if I don't give you… Pickle Rick?"
"You and your human allies rot in that zoo. The crystal gems get shattered. That simple."
Steven took a deep swallow. "P… Pickle Rick goes by Justin Roiland when off camera. He's on the West Coast"
Aquamarine freed the crystal gems and the humans from her wand. "Many thanks, My Dad.". She and Topaz went back into the ship and went to this west coast to find the most iconic personality in gem history.
Justin Roiland had seen a lot in his years, but a small blue lady floating was not one of them.
"Can I help you?" he said.
"Are you… Pickle Rick?" said Aquamarine.
Roiland swapped to the Rick voice and said "Yeah, I voice him, but he's not real, you do kno-"
"Glad to find you, Pickle Rick!" said Aquamarine. She called for Topaz to kidnap him. Before they left, Aquamarine discovered Lars.
"Ah, the Lars is still here. I'll make a deal with you. The humans would go insane without their beloved Pickle Rick. You. Impersonate Pickle Rick. Make sure nobody notices his absence". Lars, having nothing better to do, agrees to this. Is Rick and Morty under Lars any good? you'll have to wait and see next April fools.
The Diamonds had caught wind that there would be an epic wedding on Earth and decided they would crash it. Their efforts failed, however, as not only were they too late, they discovered Pink wasn't actually dead (she was still dead, but in a different way that Steven didn't bother explaining).
They, Steven, and the leading Crystal Gems were on their way to Homeworld in Pink Diamond's leg ship. Once Steven saw Homeworld, he started asking questions about White Diamond, the eldest Diamond.
"So. What's White Diamond been up to recently?" asked Steven. If she couldn't participate in the time-honored Diamond tradition of crashing weddings, she had to be very busy.
Yellow said "No clue. Ever since the whole Pickle Rick fiasco, she's been silent. We've tried to communicate, but nothing."
"What do you mean… Pickle Rick?" said Steven.
"Come on, Pink. You've been on that planet for years, surely you know who Pickle Rick is"
"I do, but I didn't know it became popular with Gems!". He supposed it explained why Aquamarine had wanted to kidnap Pickle Rick.
"About a year ago, that Peridot on earth told us of Pickle Rick. It became insanely popular. It's died down by now, gems only spend about 30% of every cycle watching it".
"Oh" said Steven. He was very confused, and stayed silent for the rest of the trip. Once they landed, White Pearl floated down.
"Pink Diamond. Your presence is required. The payoff will be extraordinary."
Before Steven could reply, white Pearl bubbled Steven and transported him to White Diamond's head. Once he arrived inside,he was almost incapable of seeing due to the sheer amount of light emanating from the room.
"Starlight. It's so good to see you! Your colony produced something gemkind as a whole benefits from, and to show my gratitude…" Steven heard the sound of shapeshifting. The blinding light died down a bit, so Steven could see clearly. He wished he didn't, because he could see a cylindrical shape forming on the ground
"I turned myself into a pickle, Starlight. I'm Pickle Diamond!" said White Diamond, emotionless as ever. Steven had never seen something that caused him to feel such primal fear, but he was also laughing (it was the second funniest thing he had ever seen, after all).
After White sent him to his mother's old room, he had but one thought: "What?"