FRIENDS: S05 E10.5: THE ONE WITH THE NEW YEAR'S KISS
PROLOGUE
SCENE. CENTRAL PERK – DAY
(CHANDLER heads for the couch with two coffees to sit next to MONICA, JOEY is in the armchair. PHOEBE enters behind them, JOEY sees her first.)
CHANDLER: Here you go, sweetie...
JOEY: Hey, Pheebs.
CHANDLER: …S-sweet enough? OK.
(CHANDLER hands MONICA her coffee as they greet PHOEBE, then sits at the small table, picks up the paper and starts 'casually' reading. PHOEBE sits on the couch.)
PHOEBE: (to MONICA) I've been meaning to ask you. Have you and Chandler fallen out?
MONICA: Why would you ask that?
PHOEBE: You just seem a little distant with each other lately. What did he do?
CHANDLER: Why do you automatically assume it would be my fault?
PHOEBE: Because I've met you.
MONICA: Phoebe, he didn't do anything. We're fine, really.
PHOEBE: Then why don't you guys sit together anymore?
(CHANDLER and MONICA fumble, JOEY chips in.)
JOEY: Errr, because Chandler has fleas.
MONICA: What?! You have fleas?!
(CHANDLER stares at MONICA as she realizes what she just did.)
PHOEBE: Oh, my God! How did you get fleas?
CHANDLER: I don't have fleas, the rooster had fleas. But it's OK, I... sprayed him down and he doesn't have them anymore, no big deal.
PHOEBE: Yeah, no big deal, you just treated an infestation by filling your apartment with Agent Orange. How could you not tell us about this?
CHANDLER: Well, maybe I wanted to keep it private. Not everybody wants to shout from the rooftops about their…fleas.
PHOEBE: Fine, but this is not just about you. Chandler, you can't keep something like that to yourself when it could affect all of us.
MONICA: Hey, that kind of attitude isn't going to help matters. (long beat) I'd imagine.
PHOEBE: (to CHANDLER) I can't believe you. Ucch, now I have to go smoke out my wardrobe again.
(PHOEBE leaves quickly.)
JOEY: You're welcome.
CHANDLER: Couldn't you have just said I had a cold?
JOEY: Oh, yeah. That would've made more sense.
MONICA: Well, so much for keeping our distance in front of the others. Did we really always sit so close before?
JOEY: Yeeeah!
CHANDLER: How come you never said anything?
JOEY: I figured it was the only action muh boy was gonna get.
(CHANDLER moves to sit on the couch next to MONICA, both all smiles.)
CHANDLER: Hey, so tomorrow's New Year's Eve and I was wondering if there was anyone you might want to kiss at midnight.
MONICA: Maybe. Wait, how are we going to kiss in front of the others?
JOEY: They might not even notice. You've been full-on doin' it for months and they still haven't figured it out yet.
(MONICA scratches and squirms, her skin crawling.)
CHANDLER: What?
MONICA: I'm still a little freaked out. Can you go back over there?
END PROLOGUE.
ACT 1 Scene 1
SCENE. MONICA'S APARTMENT – DAY.
(CHANDLER, RACHEL, MONICA at the breakfast table, MONICA sitting with her back to the couch, CHANDLER with his back to the fridge and RACHEL has her back to the stove end. PHOEBE is on the couch. ROSS and JOEY enter to greetings. ROSS smirks at CHANDLER like he knows something.)
CHANDLER: You guys were back late last night. Did you go somewhere else after the game?
ROSS: Just for a few beers. It's too bad you couldn't come.
CHANDLER: Well, you know, I had that presentation to finish.
ROSS: Yeah. So did you do anything else last night?
CHANDLER: Errr, not much. Just kicked around the apartment, watched some TV, did the crossword.
ROSS: And by 'crossword,' you mean 'lady?'
(CHANDLER and MONICA freeze.)
CHANDLER: What, uh, what-what do you... What?
JOEY: Ross had to run back upstairs for his wallet. We heard someone in your room.
ROSS: Yeah. And funny, the crossword must've been too simple for her because she kept asking for it harder.
MONICA: Well, I'm uncomfortable.
ROSS: Dude, you don't have to flim-flam us out of the apartment every time you score. Just tell us you're looking to get a little action and we'll skedaddle.
CHANDLER: Nice guy-talk, Ralphie. Can we drop this now, please?
ROSS: Sure. She sounded wild, though. Does she have a sister?
MONICA: Right now, I'm wishing YOU didn't.
(ROSS goes to the couch.)
RACHEL: So you AND Monica are having sex?
CHANDLER/MONICA: No!
RACHEL: So unfair. She's got her cute waiter, you've got your crossword girl and all I've got is a drawerful of dead batteries.
(RACHEL goes to the couch. JOEY takes her seat and talks quietly with CHANDLER and MONICA.)
JOEY: That was close.
CHANDLER: Yeah, but it's going to make our New Year's kiss more difficult if they think we're both seeing other people.
ROSS: What are you guys whispering about back there?
JOEY: Errr, we were talking about New Year's Eve.
MONICA: (whisper) Joey.
JOEY: Trust me, I got this. (louder) Ross, who do you want to kiss at midnight?
ROSS: Are we doing the kiss thing this year?
JOEY: Yeah. You can't kiss Rachel with the history. You can't kiss Monica with the euww. That just leaves Phoebe.
ROSS: Pheebs, are you OK with that?
PHOEBE: Oh. Well, I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it but I'm not really comfortable crossing that line with you.
ROSS: Oh, right, I unders...
PHOEBE: I'm just kidding, silly boy, sure I'll kiss you. Just don't back out on me. I don't want to be sitting in the corner like, you know, Sadsack Susie. Oh, I should really call her.
ROSS: I won't back out, I promise.
RACHEL: Wait a minute, who do I get to kiss?
JOEY: Well, that leaves me or Chandler.
RACHEL: I call Joey!
JOEY: There you go. Monica, you get Chandler.
MONICA: (OTT) Aww, man! Chandler? Damn it!
(MONICA gets a look from CHANDLER.)
PHOEBE: God, Monica, you could at least have waited until he left the room.
(RACHEL gets up and goes to the table with a coin.)
RACHEL: Tell you what, we'll do this fair and square. I'll flip you for Joey. What do you say?
CHANDLER: Huh. This must be what a three-legged dog at the pound feels like.
RACHEL: Monica?
(MONICA is cornered, can't turn down the coin toss without questions being asked.)
MONICA: ...OK.
RACHEL: Call it.
MONICA: Heads.
(RACHEL flips the coin and catches it.)
RACHEL: Heads it is.
MONICA: Yessss!
RACHEL: You get Joey, I get Chandler.
MONICA : (mimes) Nooooo!
ACT 1 Scene 2
SCENE. CINEMA – EVENING
(ROSS, RACHEL, JOEY and PHOEBE file out into the lobby.)
RACHEL: Ross, can we not have this conversation every time we go to the movies?
ROSS: Fine, but the director had no respect for the laws of physics, I'll tell you that for nothing.
RACHEL: I will give you real money not to.
ROSS: Hey, we're down two people.
(CHANDLER and MONICA hurry out into the lobby, a little breathless.)
PHOEBE: Where have you guys been?
MONICA: We heard there was a post-credits scene.
PHOEBE: Oh, I thought you might be looking for whoever was making out in there.
JOEY: So what did you guys think?
CHANDLER: I think years from now, people will be talking about Joey Tribbiani's defining role as 'Third Bystander.'
JOEY: I could only get time off the show for a small part. I had a line, at least.
(The others stare dumbfounded past CHANDLER as he talks.)
CHANDLER: Pointing and yelling 'Look!' does not count as having a line. And what was with that stupid mustache they stuck on you? It was...
KATHY: Chandler?
(CHANDLER turns to where the others are looking and ...there's KATHY.)
CHANDLER: Hey, it's Kathy! Well, you guys knew that.
KATHY: Hi.
CHANDLER: Heyyyyy,...
(Awkward pause. KATHY comes in for a hug. CHANDLER keeps her at arms length and socks her gently in the shoulder.)
CHANDLER: ...you. What are you doing in New York? Last I heard, you were touring with that play.
MONICA: The one where she slept with the male lead?
(CHANDLER looks back at MONICA.)
CHANDLER: Yes, THAT one. (to KATHY) So how is Nick? Still not on fire?
KATHY: That's all over. I'm staying with my sister's family for New Year's and my nephew really wanted to see this movie. It's good to see you. You look great.
CHANDLER: Thanks. You too. Well... (turns to leave.)
KATHY: Actually, if you have some time, I was hoping we could talk.
CHANDLER: I'm here with my friends, so...
KATHY: Please? There are things I need to say about... things.
CHANDLER: I don't know, I ...
MONICA: You should go.
(CHANDLER turns to look at her.)
CHANDLER: Are you sure? Guys?
MONICA: We'll all go on ahead to the coffee house. Catch us up?
CHANDLER: OK.
(The others leave CHANDLER and KATHY standing, again in awkward silence.)
CHANDLER: So I got a drunk midnight phonecall from my mom and an obscene card two days late from my dad. How was your Christmas?
ACT 1 Scene 3
SCENE. CENTRAL PERK – EVENING.
(JOEY sits at the small table, MONICA in the armchair trying to ignore the scene, ROSS, RACHEL and PHOEBE hang off the back of the couch watching CHANDLER and KATHY talking at the door.)
ROSS: So what do you think?
PHOEBE: I don't know. They're smiling, but he's definitely keeping his distance.
MONICA: Guys, how about we give them some privacy?
(KATHY brushes CHANDLER's sleeve.)
RACHEL: Look, she's touching his arm.
(MONICA is out of her chair now. KATHY leans in to kiss CHANDLER on the cheek.)
PHOEBE: Oh, look how sweet, they're kissing.
(JOEY sees MONICA's reaction.)
JOEY: No, she's kissing him.
RACHEL: Does it matter?
JOEY: Yeah! It's not like he asked for it! How about a little 'May I?' before you just throw lips at a person?
RACHEL: Ohhh, man, I just realized. I'm going to be left with nobody to kiss on New Year's, arent I?
MONICA: You don't know that.
RACHEL: Come on, look at them. She's gonna reel him back in and I'll be left out in the cold. Oh, dear God, I'm gonna be rejected by CHANDLER!
(KATHY departs and CHANDLER enters the coffeehouse as the others pretend badly they weren't watching.)
ROSS: A-and that's the story of the very first Thanksgiving.
OTHERS: 'Ohhh' noises.
CHANDLER: Yes, the one where the pilgrims eavesdropped on the native Americans.
PHOEBE: How'd it go? Do you want me to curse her? Say the word, I can put boils on her ass like nobody's business.
CHANDLER: It was fine.
MONICA: Fine like 'We're fine,' or fine like 'If she dropped dead right now, that'd be fine?'
CHANDLER: Just fine. We talked like adults about what happened, she said she was sorry, I accepted her apology and ...it was fine.
ROSS: Well, I gotta say, I'm really proud of you, man. That's such a healthy...
MONICA: Why aren't you still mad at that bitch?
ROSS: Oh, we're going this way?
RACHEL: Yeah, minus the cursing, I'm with Monica here. I don't know how you can just let it go.
CHANDLER: Well, you've been there too. You let it go when Ross slept with someone else.
ROSS: Hey, WE WERE ON A...
MONICA: Ross, I swear to GOD! (to CHANDLER) It took us days just to get you out of bed after what she did to you. How can you just forgive her like that?
CHANDLER: I needed closure.
MONICA: Funny, I thought closure was what all the drunk name-calling was about.
CHANDLER: Oh, come on, you're telling me when you finished with Richard, you didn't obsess over every little thing you did wrong, every little thing you should've done right?
MONICA: It's not the same. Richard and I broke up because we wanted different things. Kathy slept with another guy, broke your heart, made you feel like worthless garbage.
CHANDLER: And thanks for that delightful little stroll down Memory Lane.
JOEY: Guys, before any of us says something we might regret, why don't we all just cool off and talk about this later?
CHANDLER: OK.
MONICA: Fine.
(Awkward silence.)
RACHEL: (to CHANDLER) So are we still on for New Year's or what?
(GUNTHER brings CHANDLER a coffee in the claw of a reacher grabber.)
CHANDLER: Oh, for the last time, I don't have fleas!
ACT 1 Scene 4
SCENE. CHANDLER'S APARTMENT – EVENING.
(JOEY is watching TV with the rooster and the duck, flicking through channels aimlessly.)
JOEY: Will you guys just pick something already?
(MONICA bursts in, pacing the floor and wringing her hands in the middle of a full blown panic attack.)
MONICA: Oh my God. Oh my GodOhmyGodOhMyGod.
JOEY: Alright, calm down. Where's Chandler?
MONICA: He's still across the hall with the others. They're asking if he's getting back together with her. Why now? Why did she have to come back now? He only just said he loved me.
JOEY: Chandler said he loved you?
MONICA: At Thanksgiving.
JOEY: Oh, my God!
MONICA: I know! And then we had to go to this stupid movie!
JOEY: Hey! Don't blame the movie Entertainment Weekly called 'diverting'!
MONICA: I can't believe this is happening. A couple of hours ago, I was happy. Life was good, somebody loved me and now it's... now...
(JOEY wraps his arms around MONICA as she starts to cry.)
JOEY: Hey hey hey. Of course he loves you. Guys don't just say those three words to anyone, you know.
MONICA: You said it last week to that mall Santa.
JOEY: OK, guys who are sober don't just say them.
(CHANDLER edges the apartment door open.)
CHANDLER: Monica? Are you here?
(CHANDLER enters, JOEY steps back for him as MONICA tries to hide her face.)
CHANDLER: Sorry, I couldn't get away. I finally had to start fake-scratching. Please don't cry. I can't stand it when you cry.
MONICA: I don't cry. You cry. Joey cries, he cries like a girl.
JOEY: Hey! Just because a man gets emotional sometimes doesn't make him a girl!
CHANDLER: You know, it was so easy for me to talk to Kathy.
MONICA: Ohhh, I'm so so glad for you. It's every girl's dream for her boyfriend to make nice with his ex. Can she meet my parents?
CHANDLER: Listen. There was no heartache, no drama, no tears. It's like it was a lifetime ago. I could forgive her because I'm so happy now, I can't even remember what being that miserable felt like. And that's all you, babe.
MONICA: (beat) Really?
CHANDLER: Really.
MONICA: So are you … Do you think you'll ever see her again?
CHANDLER: Even if I do, it doesn't matter. It's not what I want anymore. OK?
MONICA: OK.
(CHANDLER and MONICA hug. JOEY chokes up.)
JOEY: Stupid girl tears!
END ACT 1.
ACT 2 Scene 1
SCENE. CENTRAL PERK – MORNING.
(CHANDLER in couch middle, MONICA with a crossword in her lap and RACHEL either side, ROSS in the armchair.)
MONICA: What's a six-letter word for lack of enthusiasm?
CHANDLER: I don't care. It's actually 'apathy,' but I had to do that.
ROSS: So you squared things with Kathy but you're not getting back together?
CHANDLER: Nope. Been there, done that, had the maudlin hangover.
RACHEL: Well, that means we still have a date, mister. Midnight New Years Eve, be ready to pucker up.
CHANDLER: OK, first of all, never use the word 'pucker' again. Second, don't I get a say in this?
RACHEL: (scoffs) Yeah, right. I'll just wait right here while you flick through your little black book.
CHANDLER: You don't think I might want to kiss someone else at midnight?
RACHEL: You don't think I might? But I lost and you're it.
MONICA: (offended) Hey!
(Awkward pause. MONICA thinks fast and holds up the crossword.)
MONICA: Hey America, James Brown album, twelve across, YES!
ACT 2 Scene 2
SCENE. MONICA'S RESTAURANT – DAY.
(MONICA is finishing a plate, aided by JOEL, with long hair straggling out from under his hat.)
MONICA: Service! And Joel, it's your choice. You either tie your hair back under your hat or I tie you to a chair and shave your head.
(KATHY enters.)
KATHY: Monica?
MONICA: Kathy. Hi. What brings you here? And who let you in?
KATHY: I needed to talk to you away from the others. You and Chandler are pretty close, right?
MONICA: Well, you know Chandler.
KATHY: Oh, yeah.
MONICA: What the Hell does that mean?
KATHY: (beat) What?
MONICA: What?
KATHY: I was just wondering. Do you know if he's seeing anyone right now?
MONICA: No-one he's told me about. Didn't you talk to him about this?
KATHY: He didn't mention it and I didn't want to bring it up. Can I tell you something?
MONICA: Can I stop you?
KATHY: I miss him. I didn't realize what I was losing until I lost it. And then I ran into you guys last night, I figured 'What the Hell?' You know? And he was so sweet and charming. It was like when we first started dating.
MONICA: Well, maybe he's moved on.
KATHY: Yeah, or maybe he's just not mad at me anymore. I mean, we were great together. He said he loved me.
MONICA: He told you that?
KATHY: Yes. That doesn't all just go away, does it? If he's over me, I can live with that. I just need to be sure about how he feels. Otherwise, I'll always wonder. You know?
MONICA: Yeah. I know.
KATHY: So what do you think?
MONICA: I think you should talk to him.
KATHY: I will. Thanks. (sniffs) Do you smell burning hair?
MONICA: Damn it, Joel!
ACT 2 Scene 3
SCENE. CENTRAL PERK – DAY.
(RACHEL is on the couch. JOEY enters.)
JOEY: Hey, Rach, you got a minute?
RACHEL: Sure.
JOEY: So what do you think of this whole Kathy situation, huh?
RACHEL: Oh, I know. I gotta give it to Chandler, though, he's handling it so well.
JOEY: Yeah, I don't know about that.
RACHEL: What? Why?
JOEY: Well, he'd never tell you this but I saw what he was like last time. He put on a front just like this so you guys wouldn't worry about him but his pride took a real dent. He started thinking no woman would ever want anything to do with him.
RACHEL: Oh, my God, really?
JOEY: Yeah, and I'm worried seeing Kathy again might've brought back some of those bad feelings. I don't think Monica's reaction to the coin toss helped either, I'll tell you that. It made him feel like some kind of booby prize. (chuckles)
RACHEL: Really? Booby?
JOEY: Yeah.
RACHEL: Well, she was kidding. He knows we're kidding when we do that, right?
JOEY: Mostly, but …listen, do you think you can talk Monica into switching kisses at midnight? You know, me for you and her for Chandler? Just so he doesn't feel like he got passed down?
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sure. I mean, I know we tease him but Chandler's a sweetheart. I would never want to make him feel like a booby prize. (chuckles) OK, now I just pictured them gift-wrapped.
ACT 2 Scene 4
SCENE. CHANDLER'S OFFICE – DAY.
(CHANDLER is playing Minesweeper. Badly. His intercom buzzes.)
INTERCOM: Mr Bing, there's a lady here to see you. She says she's a friend of yours.
CHANDLER: (smiles) Send her right in.
(CHANDLER comes around to the front of his desk, leans on the edge, pulls a comically awkward 'smoldering' pose to welcome... KATHY as she enters. CHANDLER is suddenly fascinated by the desk.)
CHANDLER: Yep, that's genuine laminate. Kathy. Hi. What err... what are... what are you doing? Here. What are you doing here?
KATHY: We need to talk.
CHANDLER: I thought we already said everything last night.
KATHY: I just want to ask you something. I know I hurt you, but I've regretted it ever since. I think I hurt myself more than I hurt you.
CHANDLER: Unless you broke a tooth on Nick's abs, I seriously doubt that.
KATHY: You said you forgave me. Is there a chance that maybe we could start over?
CHANDLER: No. Look, I'm really not mad and I wish good things for you, but I'm with someone else now.
KATHY: You don't have to lie to me. Monica told me you weren't seeing anyone.
CHANDLER: You spoke to Monica? She told you that?
KATHY: Yeah. She was the one who said I should talk to you.
CHANDLER: Why- w-why would she say that?
KATHY: Maybe because she's a good friend. Listen, I know this is a lot to think about. Don't answer right now. I'm having dinner with my family, but Monica invited me over for midnight.
CHANDLER: Tonight? Tonight. Like, New Years' Eve tonight?
KATHY: Yeah. We'll talk then.
(KATHY kisses CHANDLER on the cheek, then exits. He stands in shock.)
CHANDLER: What just happened?
END ACT 2.
ACT 3 Scene 1
SCENE. MONICA'S APARTMENT – EVENING.
(MONICA is preparing for the New Year's Eve party. The phone rings, she lets it go to the machine.)
PHONE: (MONICA)"You've reached Monica and Rachel's place. We're not available right now. Leave a message and we'll get back to you." (BEEP) (CHANDLER) "Guys, it's me. Pick up... Are you there?... If anyone's there, pick up... Monica?... Alright. I'll talk to you later." (BEEP)
(MONICA deletes the message. She picks up the TV remote and tries to turn on the TV, but gets nothing. She takes the back off the remote.)
MONICA: Oh, for the love of God, Rachel, get some rechargeables.
(JOEY and RACHEL enter to greetings as MONICA fetches some fresh batteries for the TV remote.)
RACHEL: Oh, so that's where we keep those.
JOEY: Hey, Monica, Rachel was hoping you'd want to switch at midnight, she kisses me, you kiss Chandler. (NB: imagine as JOEY says this he's signaling to MONICA that he's taken care of the kiss situation.)
MONICA: I don't think Chandler's going to be available.
JOEY: What?
MONICA: Kathy came to see me at the restaurant. She asked me if he was seeing anybody. She wants him back.
RACHEL: Oh my God!
JOEY: What did you tell her?
MONICA: I said she should talk to him. She's coming over after dinner.
RACHEL: I knew it. I knew I was going to be Sadsack Susie. Well, I am just going to have to make other arrangements.
MONICA: This time, if you have to, take the batteries from the stereo remote.
(RACHEL pauses for embarrassment, then exits. JOEY turns to MONICA.)
JOEY: Alright, what the Hell happened? This woman tells you to your face she wants your guy and you invite her to your apartment? Are you crazy? Why didn't you just tell her about you and Chandler? He already said it was over.
MONICA: Did you know he said he loved her too?
JOEY: Well,...yeah, but... look how that turned out. I remember after that whole mess he swore to me he'd never tell another woman he loved her. You think it was easy for him to say it again? It's a big deal.
MONICA: All I know is yesterday, I was sure he loved me.
JOEY: And today?
(Pause. JOEY hugs MONICA.)
ACT 3 Scene 2
SCENE. CHANDLER'S APARTMENT – EVENING
(ROSS is playing Captain's chair with the barcalounger, similar to CHANDLER's quick draw game.)
ROSS: Captain's Log, Stardate 51052.4. The Enterprise is currently locked in a deadly game of cat-and-mouse at the border of the Neutral Zone. The whole crew is on edge but we must hold our nerve. The fate of the Federation depends on it. Steady as she goes. Let them come to us. No shields, we don't want to tip them off. That's an order, mister! Hold... Hold... FIRE!
(ROSS yanks the lever, pulling up the footrest. RACHEL enters, ROSS jerks upright and fumbles out of the chair, classic ROSS-type drunk deer move.)
ROSS: Hey, Rach. What's up?
RACHEL: Nothing much. How was your day?
ROSS: Oh. Well, I saw this really interesting documentary about the accuracy of carbon dating in...
RACHEL: OK, it's not worth this. I don't know if you heard, but Kathy is coming to the party tonight.
ROSS: What? Oh my God!
RACHEL: Yeah, Monica told me. Looks like she's going to have some big emotional showdown with Chandler and ask him to take her back.
ROSS: Wow...Chandler?
RACHEL: I know! So it looks like I don't have a kiss for midnight.
ROSS: Well, that is a pickle.
RACHEL: Yeah. Unless...
ROSS: There it is.
RACHEL: Ross, come on, it's gonna be so humiliating. Everyone will be kissing someone but me. Even CHANDLER, for cryin' out loud.
ROSS: Phoebe and I have a deal.
RACHEL: It's Phoebe, she won't mind. Hell, tell her you already kissed her in a past life, she'll buy that.
ROSS: Rach, I'm sorry, I promised.
RACHEL: Well, maybe she can call another guy.
ROSS: Trying to find a guy to kiss this close to midnight? Don't you think that makes her look a little desp...
(RACHEL glares at ROSS.)
ROSS: ….despecial?
RACHEL: Look, doesn't it make more sense for us to kiss? I mean, we have the whole history. (flirty) Phoebe doesn't know what you like, but I do.
ROSS: Getting a litle more despecial now.
(PHOEBE bursts into the apartment)
PHOEBE: Hands off, bitch!...(to ROSS) Hello, handsome.
RACHEL: Hey, Pheebs. What's up?
(PHOEBE and RACHEL circle each other warily.)
PHOEBE: Oh, nothing. I just talked to Monica.
RACHEL: Really! Great news about Chandler and Kathy, right?
PHOEBE: Yeah! Hey, Rach, Monica's gonna have to set another place at the table. Why don't you go help her? (to ROSS, silent flirting, mouths 'You and me.')
RACHEL: Kathy's not coming until after dinner. Oh, but you know what she might need? Help moving the furniture. You've got the muscular biceps for that.
(The phone rings.)
ROSS: This'll be the call I was expecting. Excuse me.
(ROSS answers the phone in the kitchen. RACHEL and PHOEBE whisper.)
PHOEBE: I knew you'd try something like this, Green.
RACHEL: Oh, come on, it's not like you have any interest in Ross. He's a terrible kisser anyway.
PHOEBE: I don't care. I'm not gonna be left on the shelf. Come midnight tonight, those lips are mine and I'm not giving them up without a fight.
RACHEL: Alright, Buffay, may the best woman win.
PHOEBE: Fine. (beat) You were lying about the terrible kisser thing, right?
RACHEL: Yeah.
ROSS: (still on phone) … Tonight?
(PHOEBE and RACHEL pay attention now.)
ROSS: Oh, I can't make it tonight, I'm sorry... Yeah, I have another engagement... But hey, while you're on the phone, could we quickly talk about when I can come back to work? Hello?
(ROSS hangs up, crestfallen.)
RACHEL: Who was that?
ROSS: Just my supervisor. He invited me to this New Year's Eve thing at the museum.
PHOEBE: How come he left it so late?
ROSS: Well, given that I yelled at him and apparently threatened my colleagues, he wasn't sure if it might make for an uncomfortable atmosphere.
PHOEBE: That was your first chance to get your job back. Why did you say no?
ROSS: Hey, you and I had a deal, remember? I'm not letting you off that easy.
RACHEL: I can't believe you did that.
ROSS: I promised.
(PHOEBE and RACHEL hug ROSS, consoling their friend.)
ACT 3 Scene 3
SCENE. MONICA'S APARTMENT – NIGHT.
(The last hour to midnight and the party is in full swing. ROSS, RACHEL and PHOEBE are mingling. CHANDLER and JOEY stand to one side, MONICA is pretending to be busy.)
CHANDLER: I haven't had a chance to talk to her. She's been avoiding me all night. God knows what she's thinking. I haven't felt this awkward since my graduation when my mom and dad turned up in the same dress. To this day, they still fight about who wore it better,
JOEY: Let me see what I can do.
(JOEY goes to MONICA to talk. As he does, KATHY enters. RACHEL sees her, catches CHANDLER's reaction on sight and moves to greet her. CHANDLER in turn looks to MONICA, who deliberately isn't looking at him.)
RACHEL: Kathy. Hi.
KATHY: Hi. Sorry I'm so late. Traffic was...well, you can imagine.
RACHEL: Yeah. I'm betting you could use a drink.
KATHY: God, yes.
(RACHEL moves to the kitchen. KATHY locks eyes with CHANDLER, then follows RACHEL. MONICA leaves JOEY and heads for her room, JOEY looks over at CHANDLER.)
ACT 3 Scene 4
SCENE. MONICA'S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS.
(CHANDLER enters, the lights are still off. MONICA stands on one side of the room. They face each other in the darkness. )
CHANDLER: Hey.
MONICA: Hey. So apparently, I have a headache and I'm lying down in a dark room for a few minutes.
CHANDLER: Right. (beat) Why did you tell Kathy I wasn't seeing anyone?
MONICA: Why didn't you tell her you were?
CHANDLER: Because it's none of her business. Our friends don't even know yet, I need to tell my ex who rocked the bedposts with another man?
MONICA: You said you weren't mad at her anymore.
CHANDLER: I'm not, but that doesn't mean I want her back. I was mad when Huey Lewis and the News broke up, that doesn't mean I'm going to make them do a reunion tour.
MONICA: Huey Lewis and the News didn't break up.
CHANDLER: They didn't? Ohhh, what are they doing now?
MONICA: If we weren't a thing when she came back, how would you feel about her then?
CHANDLER: That's not fair. How am I supposed to answer that?
MONICA: For yourself. I don't want you to stay with me just because you can't stand to see me cry. I want you to be sure about how you feel.
CHANDLER: I'm sure.
MONICA: Alright. Our friends and Kathy are all here. Do you want to go out there right now and tell them about us?
CHANDLER: (silent)
MONICA: Wow.
CHANDLER: Monica, …
MONICA: It's OK. You said you needed closure from her? You needed to know it was over? Well, I do too. So you figure out what you want. If that's us, I'll be right here. And if we have to go back to being just friends, that's OK too. Just always know that even if it was only for a little while, I loved being loved by you.
(CHANDLER tries to say something, JOEY puts his head around the door, feels the weight of the moment he's interrupting.)
JOEY: Monica, Rachel's looking for you. She's keeping Kathy busy.
MONICA: I'd better go. Wait a few minutes. Joey will knock when it's clear.
(MONICA softly kisses CHANDLER's cheek, then exits. JOEY closes the door, leaving CHANDLER standing in the dark.)
ACT 3 Scene 5
SCENE: MONICA'S APARTMENT – NEAR MIDNIGHT.
(MONICA is trying to look busy at the drinks sideboard. CHANDLER is standing some distance away behind the couch, unable to take his eyes off her. JOEY approaches CHANDLER.)
JOEY: So you talked to Monica? And?
CHANDLER: She doesn't believe I'm over Kathy. She thinks I need to make up my mind.
JOEY: Well, do you?
CHANDLER: No. I don't love Kathy anymore.
JOEY: Chandler, maybe Monica doesn't need to know who you DON'T love.
(CHANDLER makes a move towards MONICA, but stops when RACHEL approaches her.)
RACHEL: Well, it's almost midnight. You and Joey better pucker up.
MONICA: Seriously, stop saying 'pucker.' You know what? Why don't you take Joey? I'm not really in a kissing mood anyway.
RACHEL: Are you sure?
MONICA: Yeah.
RACHEL: Sweetie, are you alright? You were awfully quiet at dinner.
MONICA: I'm fine. Just getting used to the idea of another year alone.
RACHEL: Aww, come here (hugs). Next year will be different. You'll see.
(RACHEL moves away, leaving MONICA and CHANDLER in each other's eyeline. Meanwhile, KATHY finally approaches CHANDLER. MONICA looks away again.)
KATHY: Hi. I've been working up the nerve all night to speak to you again. Have you thought about what I said?
ROSS: The ball is dropping.
(The countdown begins, 10... 9... 8... JOEY moves to get KATHY away from CHANDLER, but RACHEL snags him. 7... 6... 5...)
RACHEL: Not so fast, Smoochy Joe. Monica gave you to me and after all the fuss you made, I'm kissing you at midnight.
KATHY: Chandler? What do you want?
(CHANDLER looks past KATHY at MONICA in profile, staring at nothing, heart on the verge of breaking. 4... 3... 2... 1... CHANDLER urgently pushes past KATHY and as the crowd roars, he sweeps MONICA into his arms and gives her a heart-stoppingly romantic kiss that says everything he needs to say, and everything she needs to hear. Imagine the audience going wild for this one. MONICA and CHANDLER break the kiss smiling.)
CHANDLER: Happy New Year, Monica.
MONICA: Happy New Year, Chandler.
(ROSS and PHOEBE kiss.)
ROSS: Happy New Year, Pheebs.
PHOEBE: Happy New Year, Ross.
(JOEY and RACHEL kiss.)
RACHEL: Happy New Year, Joey.
JOEY: So did that do anything for you?
END ACT 3.
EPILOGUE.
SCENE. HALLWAY – NIGHT.
(KATHY exits the apartment, closely followed by CHANDLER and MONICA. The party still going on.)
KATHY: So you and Chandler?
(MONICA closes the door over on the party noises.)
MONICA: Yeah, but we're trying to keep it under wraps for now.
KATHY: I feel so stupid.
CHANDLER: Not as stupid as our friends.
KATHY: Monica, I am so sorry. Here I was asking you for advice on how to steal your own boyfriend. You must've wanted to scratch my eyes out.
MONICA: No. Well, maybe a little. But I'm over that now.
CHANDLER: Are you going to be OK?
KATHY: I'll be fine. I guess I shouldn't be surprised someone else figured out how special you were. Good luck, you guys.
(KATHY hugs MONICA. CHANDLER and KATHY move to hug goodbye.)
MONICA: I'm not that over it.
(CHANDLER and KATHY switch to a firm handshake.)
END EPILOGUE.