chapter 1: linger

summary: lily evans loved james potter, but before that she loved another, and it was those bits of that person she saw in james she fell in love with.

They were eleven when she saw him for the first time. He had been small, shorter than her, shoulders drawn together tightly to ensure he took up minimal space. She had been fascinated at the Hogwarts Express, at the sleek and polished surfaces in the interior that seemed to radiate magic, and had paid him no notice, bouncing up and down in her excitement, and he had walked past, refusing perhaps scared to look up and meet the eyes of anyone around him. This incident was lodged in one of the remotest corners of her brain, and only when she began thinking of him more often than she'd like to admit, it sprang forth.

That year, her first at Hogwarts, had passed in a perfect dream-like state, and for once she had not minded the schoolwork and her usual lack of strong friendships. In the library, devouring as much knowledge as she could, she had befriended Remus, the boy on the train, who had also been raised in a non-magical environment. They had talked of home, how much they missed it and how much they didn't all at once, and how fascinating it was that such a beautifully diverse world existed in the crevices of normality. That year, she had felt nothing but kinship for him, and a mild sort of sympathy at his frequent absences and perpetually disheveled appearance.

Second year came, and Remus, due to his budding friendship with the other Gryffindor boys, drifted from her. This prompted her to spend an increasing amount of time alone, until the other girls in her year, maybe out of pity, opened their arms and took her into their circle. Dorcas, punk, loud, uncaring; Marlene, girly, adrift, strong; Alice, sarcastic, quiet, elegant had surprised her with their vastly different personalities, but the four girls functioned well as a unit, giggling over older boys, talking about Muggle and wizard things alike, and enjoying the others' company. Occasionally, she would catch Remus in the library, and they would exchange anecdotes, she scoffing at the many idiocities of his friends, and him smiling politely at tales of hers. He had developed a sort of wary confidence about him, and didn't seem as conscious of his scars as he had before, though he still attempted actively to hide them. He was an enigma, and she knew he had a lot more to him than he was letting on, so she could not resist confirming the niggling suspicion she had, and one Sunday afternoon in October she interjected him in the hallways, pulling him into a shadowy alcove.

"You're a werewolf," she had stated simply, not wanting to cause him prolonged discomfort and insecurity.

At this, his face has paled completely, and his heart beat had quickened so much she could swear she heard it resounding off the walls. He had tried stammering that she was incorrect, that it was all a big misunderstanding, but she had simply interlaced her fingers with his and boldly declared with the courage only a young Gryffindor could muster, "You're a werewolf, but before that you're my friend, and if you think I like you any less because of that, you're wrong. You're gentle and sweet and funny, and the wolf cannot take that from you. You are the same as before, always will be, don't you forget that."

He had stared at her a long time after that, his shock-widened eyes slowly receding into gratitude. "You won't tell anyone?" he had enquired hesitatingly, at which she had scoffed, replying, "Of course not," and he had pulled her into a hug before realizing that she was female, worse, a female with developing lady-parts, and thus not-huggable for the sake of coolness. They had stood there awkwardly for a while, red flushing both their cheeks, and had spent the remainder of the day together, intently ignoring the conversation they had had before.

Third-year saw a new Remus, wild, carefree and happy, but still contained in that quiet manner of his. He continued to excel in nearly all classes, all while meandering about the castle with the group of boys who had annoyingly begin calling themselves 'The Marauders'. Lily felt like whatever knowledge she had of him, aspects of his personality which were privy to her, were slowly slipping out of her grasp like sand. His witty jabs were now heard by everyone in the class, not just her. His unique demeanor now made a few heads turn in the hallways, though he took no notice. This aggravated Lily, who had taken to stare at him discreetly during mealtimes, as though the force of her gaze would make her a Legimens, able to read his mind, and figure out how the brains of frustratingly good-looking boys worked. Dorcas, one day noting the subject of her gaze, had remarked, "He's cute," and when Lily had turned, cheeks hot in protest, the words 'It's not like that!' on the tip of her tongue, she had stopped. Because oh Merlin, it was like that.

Upon this revelation, she began avoiding him like the plague, but he seemed to seek her out even so. The more time they spent together, the more the butterflies in her stomach danced, pirouetting and spinning, until they vanished entirely. She felt an eerie sort of calm around him, and she talked to him like she did with no one else. Soulmates, one treacherous part of her mind teased her. Shut up, she advised it. These internal ramblings of the thirteen-year old witch were soon disclosed to her girl friends, who huddled on the bed had laughed, "Oh but Lily! You are our best friend, how could we not already know!"

Fourth-year Remus was suddenly a whole foot taller than her and moving in the awkward way of a teenage boy with more limbs than he was used to. His quiet humor and sarcastic comments were now more refined, and though he didn't have a haughty manner like the rest of his friends, he became selective in his company. This was perhaps due to the greatly surprising fact that the Marauders began spending almost all their free time in the library, poring over books thicker than even Lily dared to read, often seeking to use the Restricted Section as well. Here, the four boys tamed their usual raucous behavior and dedicatedly pored over pages and pages of miniscule words untiringly, and when Lily had offered her help to Remus, he had hidden the titles of the subject-matter and sent her away.

Fourteen, the age when the vast majority of the Hogwarts population began seeking romantic relationships, saw many boys asking the fiery redhead out to Hogsmeade. She politely declined, and from each of these encounters, began extracting techniques that would aid her in asking Remus out. She approached him timidly in the common room a week before Valentine's Day, almost shaking from anticipation, her head screaming, "Get a grip, girl!" She took care to enunciate each word carefully, afraid of her childhood stutter re-emerging. "Would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me?" she had asked him, and he had looked up, brows furrowed, handsome as ever. "As friends, right?" He had asked carefully, and Lily had replied, crestfallen, "As friends."

They had agreed to meet outside the village bookstore, their haven, and when the day came, Lily spent too much time worrying as her roommates helped her get ready. Marlene, the in-house fashion expert had helped her pick out a tight sleeveless top with black jeans, a look she had justified by explaining, "You want him to know that you're available without making it too obvious that you like him," a concept which would aghast Lily's mother, who strongly believed that fourteen-year old girls ought not to worry about such things.

Remus, upon seeing Lily, had furrowed his eyebrows as if figuring out a puzzle, and had remarked, "You look amazing," which to Lily came across as per functionary. They had spent the day in amiable discussion, each making the other laugh, and Lily's subtle attempts at flirtation had been pointedly brushed aside by Remus. Mid-way through their not-date, they had been intercepted by Remus's friends, Potter and his two lackeys, and Lily had excused herself when asked to join them for a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks. Two weeks after this incident, Lily had caught Hestia Jones, a fifth-year Gryffindor, and Remus making out after dinner, and had promised herself that she would stop pining and do some dating of her own to show Remus that she didn't like him that way. Obviously.

Fifth-year saw a new Lily, going out with Suyash Patil, a handsome Ravenclaw in her year, and still hanging around with Remus in the library per their usual routine. Remus had grown taller still, and was beginning to show faint outlines of muscles through his uniform. Lily brought herself to ignore this. She had a boyfriend who she quite adored, one who was smart and handsome and funny, someone many girls envied her for having. Remus was merely a crush, a development of raging hormones.

To make matters worse, Potter, who had begun his childish proposals to her the year before was going all out and making extravagant gestures to ask her out despite her frequent reminders that she wasn't single, and would eat her shoe before even thinking of going out with a prat like him. Fifth-year, despite its great start, wasn't going all too well for Lily. Her friendships with the Gryffindor girls were under strain for they were against her meeting Severus, a Slytherin friend of her, who was becoming increasingly involved in the Dark Arts. Suyash, while good for a fun afternoon spent together, was terrible at listening to her problems without giving unwarranted advice, so that left her only one option. Remus would patiently listen to the various turmoils of the teenage witch's life, nodding at all the appropriate places, and insulting all the appropriate persons. He made her laugh quite frequently, and almost made her forget the new green symbol that was popping up in The Daily Prophet over various Muggle homes. They were seen revising together for the OWLs quite often, because as Remus put it, "My dorm room is full of animals and I can't concentrate around them," a statement on his friends that she for once agreed with.

She ended the year with a severed childhood friendship and fogging worries about her family's safety. Professor Dumbledore had agreed to place various protection spells around her family's house, the honor of being a beloved Prefect, and she returned back to Hogwarts with a desire to fight the prejudices and evils which were in abundance in the wizarding world.

On a Hogsmeade visit in October, the group of masked men and women who called themselves the Death Eaters had attacked the village, and she, along with some of the older students on the Bright side, had rushed the younger students to safety. Lily, adept at healing spells, had stayed back in the castle, helping Madame Pomphrey patch up the hurt students delivered to her. She had kept an eye out for a flash of sandy brown hair which belonged to Remus, and upon not finding any, she had begun to worry.

When he had finally emerged, covered in blood, and walking with a slight limp, she had pulled him forward by the front of his t-shirt and pressed her lips against his in a kiss he hadn't reciprocated. She had tried so hard to get a response from him, but he remained unmoved, adamant at his position of disinterest. "Lily, you have a boyfriend," he had reminded her, and she had wanted to tell him that she didn't, not anymore, but Remus had stopped her by continuing, "and you know James is half in love with you. I can't do this to him."

"Remus," she had breathed, heart hammering painfully against her ribcage. "I love you."

"And I love you too," he had replied, "but not in the way you want me to. Love is not an excuse, and sometimes we need to let things play out naturally to spare the feelings of all those involved."

She had laced his unresponsive fingers with hers and said, electricity dancing along her arms, "Don't you feel anything when I do this?" but he had given her a long look in response and she had understood, dragging him to the nearest bed and beginning to fix him up, avoiding his eyes in stoic silence.

"James is a great bloke, you know," he had said. "Give him a chance."

"Just like you gave us one, I suppose?" she had responded snottily, fire dancing in her eyes, and Remus had quieted. They had tried their best to never be alone in the same room after that, but fate was a cruel thing, and they found themselves doing Prefect duty together one Saturday night. Unable to bear the awkward silence, she had asked him, "Seeing someone, Remus?"

He had seemed surprised at the question and had recovered quickly, saying, "Yeah, someone in our year." She had gotten the hint and had swilled around to face him. "Look," she had said, digging deep into the well where she stored all her Gryffindor courage. "I am sorry for last week; promise I won't do it again. Back to friends?" She had stuck out her hand at this, and Remus had taken it tentatively, giving it a firm shake.

And so she danced on the stage of pretend, sneaking glances at him whenever she could and feeling her heart rate accelerate at the slightest touch. Sixth-year ended like this, and she was so high-strung on the protective illusion of the Hogwarts castle, she nearly forgot about the rampant despair outside. That summer was spent educating her family members on the various dos and don'ts that came with being related to one of the brightest witches of her generation.

Seventh-year started with a general forlorn atmosphere, and James Potter being appointed Head Boy did not help. He had stopped his greatly embarrassing proposals, and had thankfully gotten over his infatuation with her. Lily, as Head Girl, had to spend an increasing amount of time alone with him, drawing out patrolling schedules and whatnot, and found his company surprisingly tolerable. His once-immature jokes often made her crack out a reluctant smile, and she couldn't help but see pieces of Remus in his mannerisms and psyche: like how he tucked his wand upon his ear when in concentration, that weird footwork he did when nervous, and how his humour greatly resembled that of a certain werewolf. It was these characters she seemed to like most about him, and acknowledging James as a possible ticket who could help her get over Remus, she asked him out one Hogsmeade afternoon.

James and Lily got married approximately two and a half years after this incident. Remus was there, right by his best friend's side grinning down at both of them. She had grown comfortable in his presence, more at peace than she was supposed to be at around him. It was those parts of Remus she saw in James that made her fall in love with him, but she grew to admire him for more. And maybe her heart was torn between these two men, one she could never have, one desperate to have her, living in perpetual agony over the rationale behind her decisions. But she knew this: James was lucky to get a previously unreciprocated love, more lucky than he would ever know.

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A/N: thank you so much for reading, and i really appreciate you finishing this story. this is for the following prompts/challenges for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Challenges and Assignments):-

366 Prompts Challenge 24. Behavior

IPC 620. (emotion) Love

Writing Club-February Lyric Alley 16. My head is screaming "Get a grip girl!"

Bex's Basement 8. "Love is not an excuse."

Assignment 4 Ancient Studies: Love Potion, Task #1 Write about unrequited love/infatuation

I have always found the Remus/Lily relationship to be so interesting (as a platonic relationship) but you can't argue that they would be an excellent couple. Apart from the plot, let me know in the reviews if you liked my style of writing+how you think I can improve.

DaisyFlowers