As long as You're Mine

by Nayeliq1

"What do you think you're doing?", she demanded as soon as he sat opposite her. "I don't know", he replied truthfully. He really didn't know what he had been thinking in coming here, kissing her, risking the relationship he valued above all others. You've destroyed it, that's what you've done, the voice hissed again. That's what you always do. "I haven't been thinking at all."

Hey, there!
Just to explain this: I'm really into the Musical "Wicked" right now and as I listened to the song this Oneshot is named after, I felt quite hard Braime vibes...and so this was born! Maybe you know it, then you might notice that there are a few references to some lines hidden (or rather obviously nicked).

In the end, this is basically slightly angsty Braime fluff that came to me at 2 am and turned out to be a vision of what I expected/ would have liked to happen after their kiss in s8 e4. I always thought they cut off FAAAR too quickly and I really missed some clearing conversation before they actually, well...got to it. So this is no smut, sorry not sorry. I just can't write it. Useless prude here. But if you enjoy emotional babbling with a bit of (for my standards) heated kissing, this might be your cup of tea! Unnecessary to say that in my perfect universe, Jaime is not going to bloody leave her after this.

Hope you enjoy! And if you find it in your heart to tell me any thought, that'd be very appreciated!

o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

The kiss was hard, desperate, fervid.

One second, he had been standing in front of her, a mixture of fear and anticipation in his eyes, the next his lips had been crushing against hers. She was taken by surprise, slightly stumbling backwards because of the suddenness and force of it and her head needed a moment to process what was happening. Jaime already thought he might have taken things too far. He felt a wave of panic starting to build within him when she finally responded, pushing back against him with barely restrained eagerness. Sharp relief washed over him when she willingly opened her mouth to welcome his tongue, trying to keep up with his movements. She was clumsy, insecure, but what she was lacking in experience, she made more than up with enthusiasm.

He didn't know how they had made it to her bed when his legs already pushed against its edge. They didn't let go off each other when they lowered themselves onto the furs, Jaime hovering over her as his mouth wandered down her neck to suck on the spot where it met her collarbone. He couldn't avert his eyes from her, wanted to soak in every inch, every detail for as long as she let him. Even the colouring of the bruises she had taken in battle only mere hours ago, the way the game of shades started to transform the light bluish pink into a violet so dark it almost seemed black - it all looked beautiful to him. Every mark, new or old, still aching or long faded, was perfection in itself, adding to the marvel of her. He wanted to lose himself in the feeling of her, of her skin under his fingers and lips, the inflamed trails the slightest brush of her hands was leaving on his body in return.
Something told him that it would be over too fast though, one more reason why he needed to use every moment while she was still his. Her eyes were closed and he noticed how she turned her head to her side as soon as they broke a kiss, but he wasn't willing to let a worrying thought build in his head, instead following the distraction that was the feeling of both her hands tangled in his hair and his left cupped her neck as if to prevent her from escaping. She hadn't shown any sign to withdraw until now, but he still feared that she might at any moment, almost expected it with every second that passed. It was too good to be true, after all, that she would welcome him like this. He tried to silence the tiny voice in his head that whispered to him, sounding alarmingly like the vicious hissing of his sister, telling him that she had simply been overwhelmed by his sudden attack, that her senses were blurred and thoughts blown away, that as soon as her mind was able to comprehend what was happening, she would push him away with disgust. The thought made him react instinctively, he lifted his right arm that had been tangling uselessly by his side until now, and wrapped it around her waist to hold her closer in his grasp.

The action had been thoughtless. She flinched and finally, finally, pulled away from him, eyes wide and breathing heavy. Jaime almost slipped a groan of displeasure.

He cursed the stump, for it was the first thing that came to his mind at her reaction.
Stupid idiot, he admonished himself. Even though the golden hand was still attached to his wrist, he should have known that she would shy away from it, just like everyone else did. He couldn't expect her to be oblivious to something that still evoked such resentment in himself.

"Sorry", he muttered weakly. "I didn't want-" He trailed off, swallowed. "I know it's-"

"Alright", Brienne cut him off. "It's...alright." Her voice was soft, but her eyes were lowered to the ground. In fact, they were flitting around, settling on anything but him, and he couldn't help but picture how she had left them closed or turned away before...

She can't even look at me. The realisation drove into his heart like a splinter.
He had known. He had been stupid to hope. He had always known. What a fool he was to come here in the first place.

"Forgive me, Ser. This was-" A mistake, it sounded in his head, but his heart forbade him to say it out loud. He wouldn't lie. "I shouldn't have-", he stuttered instead, only to break off once more.

Now, she looked up to him. Damn her.

"I..." Her eyes didn't make his search for words any easier. "I-I'm sorry. Please, forgive me."
He should go. He wanted to go. And at the same time, he didn't. To get up from the bed, her bed, was an act of willpower. She opened her mouth and he hesitated, waited, hopeful beyond reason.

"Jaime." This name from her mouth. He felt his feet frozen to the ground, pinned there by these bloody blue eyes of hers.

"I-" Her mouth hung open, but no words formed. Instead, she bit down on her lower lip the way he knew her to do when she was nervous or insecure, and it was the last sign he needed. He couldn't do this. Not with her being uncertain. He wouldn't. It wasn't fair.
He had to close his eyes before he was able to turn away, but he did.

And was held back once more, by a hand grasping his arm. He threw a look back at her, the surprise written on his face.

"Don't", Brienne said, her voice as firm as the grasp of her fingers. "Sit down." She nodded to the edge of the bed he had just stood up from.

"Brienne..."

"You're serving under my command, Ser", she interrupted his weak attempt to protest. "So. Sit. Down." There was a determination shining in her eyes that neither of them knew where it came from, but it didn't matter, it made Jaime nod slowly and he felt how he settled down where she had advised him to before he had even decided to obey.

"What do you think you're doing?", she demanded as soon as he was sitting opposite her.

"I don't know", he replied truthfully. He really didn't know what he had been thinking in coming here, kissing her, risking the relationship he valued above all others.
You've destroyed it, that's what you've done, the voice hissed again. That's what you always do.

"I haven't been thinking at all", he admitted, gaze lowered, unable to see the shocked expression on Brienne's face at those words.

She felt as if he'd just struck her. Mostly because she wondered why it did even surprise her. She had known. Of course, she had.
He's drunk, he's lonely, we could have died today. That was all. To believe for even a second that it could be otherwise-
She suppressed a slightly hysterical laugh that wanted to break its way out of her throat. That something alike had even formed... - she was clearly standing beside herself. To allow her heart to betray her sense like this, in the worst way possible. What happened to the vow she had sworn to herself? Crumbled to dust at the mere sight of his smile. Damn her own weakness.
But she wouldn't be defeated now. Or at least she wouldn't let it show. She wouldn't yield.

"I see." She had mirrored his position, eyes on the cold stone floor.

"I'm sorry", she heard him say and she nodded, even though he couldn't see it.

"Me too."

She waited in silence. Did it really matter what he would say, though?

"It's not your fault."

She almost couldn't prevent a bitter laugh from escaping.
Oh, sure. Of course not. It wasn't her fault, being born this way - was that what he wanted to say?

"How kind of you." The words were spat out before she could stop herself. His gaze shot up to her profile. She saw it out of the corner of her eye, but kept hers strictly in front of her.

"Excuse me?"

She sighed gravely, exasperated. She didn't want this conversation. She couldn't stand him pretending right now, not now.

"Don't", she said therefore. "Just...don't." Jaime hesitated, searching and failing to find anything to reply.

"I'm sorry", he just repeated, aware that it sounded rather platitudinous.

"Stop saying that."

"What else should I say?"

Something that doesn't make me feel so pitiful.
Brienne shook her head."I don't know", she said. "Anything."

Silence again. She could almost hear his mind working, tried to fade it out.

"Do you find me very ridiculous?"

This time, her head shot up, eyes still fixed on a spot in the air in front of her.

"W-What?"

"Assuming that someone like you would-" He trailed off, shrugged his shoulders, "...that you wouldn't mind."

Mind? Mind what? She was completely confused, didn't understand a word he said.

"I-I don't...", she stammered, finally forcing herself to look at him. "Jaime, I-"

"It's alright. I understand", he cut her off with a sad smile, dismissing her bewildered gaze with a wave of his hand. She could just stare at him, more dumbstruck with every sentence, unable to form one herself.

"I mean, I can't deny that I thought...that I hoped, you'd be-" He gestured through the air in search of an appropriate expression, "That even though you know me, at least you would still be able to stand my sight", he finally said, throwing a quick glance at her before averting his eyes again. "But I can't blame you."

"What on earth are you talking about?" Jaime smiled at her, almost sympathetically, but if it was pity for her or himself behind those curling lips, she couldn't tell.

"No need to pretend", he said. "I said it was alright."

"Jaime, I really don't know-"

"Brienne, you can't even look at me!", he suddenly burst out, making her flinch.

"I am looking at you-"

"I don't mean now", he interrupted her harshly, gesturing to her as if she were acting stupid deliberately, "I meant-...when I- when I kissed you and you- you avoided my face", he said to the room with audibly growing desperation. "You didn't look at me."

That's what it's all about, then?
Brienne swallowed and looked at her hands in her lap.

"I thought-"

"What", he snapped a bit too forcefully, waiting for an answer, receiving none.

"What?", he asked again, turning to her and his heart almost stopped. Her expression was sad, pained, and all his anger was blown away at once to give room to exhaustion and an unpleasant amount of guilt.

"I thought it would make it easier for you." These whispered words, even if almost inaudible, sent a wave of emotion through his body. His heart contracted uncomfortably.

"Easier?" He felt the desire to reach out and touch her shoulder, but thought better of it, holding on in mid-movement. Neither of them had been focused enough to notice that they were still exposed to each other, nor did they care, but the fear that she would withdraw from him now got the better of him. Instead, he just watched as she squirmed a bit, apparently fighting with the words.

"To...go on", she finally said. "With-...it." A deep blush crept up from her neck all the way to her cheeks. "I thought maybe if you didn't have to see my face, you'd forget that I'm- that I'm not-..." She trailed off, sighed. "That maybe if you could imagine it was someone else-"

"Gods, stop that", Jaime cut her off, unable to stand her talking like this. "I would never- That you could even think I would-" He lost the thread, overcome with horrification just by the thought alone. "Brienne, I would never have come to you if I had to imagine...anything", he said then, the words on his tongue like a disgusting taste. "I would never do that to you."

He watched how she pressed her lips together, eyes wide and filled with muddles emotion.
A woman, it shot through his head. This wasn't Brienne, the knight. It was just Brienne, without the armour, without the tough facade that was her self protection - just raw and real and vulnerable.

"How could you think that?", Jaime whispered, no longer afraid to let his own guard down, the hurt and sadness in his voice unrestrained. She laughed lightly, sadly, shrugged her shoulders.

"Because you're you and I'm me." She thought she was pointing out the obvious, but his brow furrowed.

"The Kingslayer and the honourable knight." She snorted.

"The Golden Lion and Brienne the Beauty."

He looked at her for a moment, searched in her eyes for something, not quite knowing what it was he wanted to find. This time, she held his gaze, and Jaime found himself not for the first time on the brink of drowning in the blue depths.
Brienne the Beauty, indeed.

"You really have no idea why I came, have you?", he heard himself say without having intended to.

"Here?", she gestured to the room. "Or at Winterfell?" The corner of his mouth curled.

"Both."
She doesn't know. It was clear to him now. But how come she didn't know, she didn't see? Tyrion did. Everyone else did. He had been sure, had been afraid, had hoped, had cursed that it must be written on his forehead, his heart an open book for her to read. Of course, it was for all except her. He should have known.

What is it that you like in a woman, Mylord?, it echoed in his ears. Innocence.
It lingered over her like a veil, spoke out of her actions, shone from her eyes at this very moment.

"I came because of you", he admitted, the words coming far more easily from his lips than he would have thought. "For you. It's been for you, Brienne. All of it. Everything."

She stared at him. Gods, those eyes.

"Give me your hand."

Brienne looked puzzled, but put her hand in his obediently, watching as Jaime pulled it up to his chest. She drew in a sharp breath when he laid her palm over his warm skin, holding it in place with his own.

"Can you feel that?", he asked, obviously referring to his heart that was beating under her fingers and she nodded hesitantly. "Can you feel how fast it is? How my skin is still burning?" His breathing had quickened and he closed his eyes for a second, letting out a long breath before opening them again. "Can't you see it, Brienne?", he said then with a little disbelieving smile, "Don't you see that it's all for you?"

She couldn't speak. She wanted to, but the words got caught in her throat. She felt her own heartbeat matching his in pace and intensity, so loud in her ears that she was sure he must be able to hear it as well. Finally, Jaime released her hand to drive his own over his face.

"You have not the slightest idea how long I've waited for this", he told her, the words now flooding out of him like a stream that had been released after years of being held back by a dam. "How often I've imagined what it would be like...to feel your lips on my own, your skin under my fingers." She saw how he shuddered at the memory, a shiver running through his body as he remembered countless long and lonely nights when a scarlet tent had brought no more comfort than the cold hard ground, abandoned to the mercy of frost and winter - the thought of her had been the only source of light and warmth in the darkness that was his life back then. Maybe even still. "I know I had no right to think of you that way", he added apologetically, "but dreaming and imagining was all I had. I never thought you would ever actually allow me to-"

"I never thought you'd want to", she said, her voice a bit husky.

"Didn't I make my intentions clear when I kissed you?" She shrugged her shoulders, blushed. Adorable. The term didn't sound right, referring to Brienne, and yet it was.

"Could've been drunk", she mumbled.

"I'm not."

"Or lonely."

"I only am when you're out of sight."

Something flitted over her face, too fast to make out what it was. Then she lowered her gaze again, the corner of her mouth twitching.

"Even with that face?"

"Will you stop that?", Jaime asked, soft but insistent. He leaned forward, let his fingers glide over her jawline to her chin, cautiously lifting it to make her see the soothing smile in his eyes. "Brienne, this face is what I've been longing to see more than anything else since we parted in King's Landing", he told her truthfully. "Don't you ever think I wouldn't want to look at it. And don't you dare turn it away again."

She studied his features, her brow furrowed a bit and he discovered in slight amusement that she apparently seemed to search for any signs of pretence on his face - finding none, the blue of her eyes widened in realisation and a sort of bewildered amazement.

"How?" There was no need to clarify what she was asking.

"Isn't it enough that it's you who it belongs to?"

Another moment of silence, eyes staring into each other, waiting for someone to make the next move. Until she did.

"Jaime", she said. "Jaime, kiss me. Please."

He needed all his restraint not to capture her mouth immediately, but he held himself back, forced his heartbeat that had started to increase at her words to slow down. He wouldn't rush into it again, wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

"Are you sure?" She nodded, wetting her lips, and he tried not to stare at them.

"Why wouldn't I be? After everything you-"

"And everything I said was true", he accentuated, "but I don't want you to feel pressured. If you have the slightest doubt-"

"I have no doubt", she cut him off and he already wanted to release the breath he had been holding unconsciously... "I'm afraid", she said - and it got stuck in his throat.

"Afraid?"

Even though her face was surprisingly calm after such a declaration, Jaime could feel the shock spreading in his body and mind and he needed to gather his thoughts for a second to prevent it from turning into panic.

"If it's because you think... You don't need to be afraid that I-" He gulped. "It wouldn't be just a...a quick bedding for me", he then said slowly. "You know I'm no one- you know I've never been with anyone-" Anyone but her. He didn't want to think about Cersei now, he knew she had never been faithful, but that made it even more important to him that he had been. Maybe it was foolish, but he'd always felt a ridiculous sense of pride about that.

"I know", Brienne assured him warmly and he finally breathed out. "That's not what I meant. It's just..." She sighed. "I'm afraid of the things you make me feel", she admitted then, unable to put something into proper words that was not tangible for her either. "I don't know how to- how to handle them, you know? I never had to. Before."

"I hoped we could find out together." He followed the urge to take her hand, unconsciously stroking the back of it with his thumb. "But still, Brienne if you're not certain that this is what you want-"

"It is", she said, entwining their fingers and covering his hands with her second to underline her words. "It's what I want, what I've wanted for years."

He still looked hesitant, and Brienne was touched by his cautious consideration of her wants and needs. To know that he granted her the full power of decision and control was a way of showing his respect and care more than anything else he could have given her - and it made her once more aware of how right her choice had been.

"Please", she whispered therefore, trying to put all of her certainty in the soft word. "I want you." And fortunately, this seemed to be all he needed to hear.

He had been happy to love her from afar, to orbit her like the moon revolved around the sun, trying to reflect the light that she cast on him, even if he was unworthy of receiving it in the first place. Now, to be allowed to bathe in it as much as he pleased, to be chosen by her, felt more like a delusion of happiness than reality. Even so, there was the softness of her lips moving against his, her hands roaming through his hair, the skin of his chest flushed and warm and tickling as it brushed against her, even the slight pain when she accidentally passed a bruise on his worn-out body - all those impossible sensations telling him that he wasn't dreaming after all. Frustrated, he thought once again that one hand wasn't enough, not enough to touch her, to feel her, to explore the territory he had been given permission to travel. He had greatly felt the loss on many occasions, but never quite like right now and then.

"Brienne", he breathed, breaking the kiss and leaning back to bring his right arm between their bodies. "Can - I mean, can I...?" He couldn't believe that he was actually asking this, especially remembering how she had flinched at it the first time, but the desperate words had left his lips before he could grasp them.

To his amazement, Brienne smiled. A warm, kind smile. "Of course", she said and he didn't believe his ears. "Let me."
She reached for the leather straps fastening the hand around his wrist and opened them. When she pulled it off, Jaime felt another sort of burden lifted off his body along with the heavy weight of gold. He watched how she finally unravelled the cloth to find the scarred flesh of his maimed limb, unable to take his eyes off her, so focused that he was sure she must be able to feel it lingering on her face. Perhaps she did.

"What?", she asked, looking up at his awed expression.

"Nothing", he said. "It's just, I thought you'd...mind."
Her obvious surprise touched him even more. Innocence, he smiled to himself again.

"Why would I?"

He didn't say anything, but one look at him seemed to be enough for her to understand.

"Oh", she said, smiling softly, "That was just because of the cold." Her eyes didn't betray her words in the least and Jaime could have laughed out in relief.

"Of course I don't mind", she went on. "It's just as much a part of you as everything else."

A part of you, she had said. For Cersei, it had just been a missing part of him.

"I love you."

The words echoed from the walls in the sudden silence that somehow seemed to grow louder around them, but Jaime didn't mind. He hadn't meant to say it, but he didn't mind. As soon as the words were spoken, he knew them to be true.
He watched how Brienne closed her eyes for a moment, lips pressed together again as she did so often, then exhaling a deep breath. He was calm. He didn't know how, but he was calm. She was the key that unlocked him. Whatever she said, it didn't change his truth.

Her eyes opened, blue and clear and sparkling.

And then she kissed him again. He would have liked her to say it, but it was fine if she couldn't. Maybe just not yet. He wrapped her in his arms without thinking about his stump now, pressing it in her back didn't even make her twitch. He left her mouth and trailed a path from her ear to her collarbone, delighting in the sigh that escaped her. When his smiling lips wandered to her left shoulder, he breathed a kiss to each of the parallel red marks that had been left there the day he had taken her away from Harrenhal. He wished he could have taken her away from everything that had been done to her, but he had to content himself with trying to make the bad memories vanish instead. He allowed his good hand to make its way over her belly and ribcage, then upwards, and Brienne gasped. She even had a scar there. He memorized it with his thumb, wondering what it had been that left it there. He wanted to know every story about ever mark covering her body, every freckle, learn every unevenness in the imperfect skin of his perfect knight.

"You're marvellous", he mumbled in her ear and she shivered before his lips found hers once more. He let his tongue skip over the little scar on her upper lip, approving of the way she responded immediately by opening her mouth to him. She also learned fast, he discovered as she tangled her tongue with his, combined with the way her hands were gripping his hair, pulling at it just the right way to cause an involuntary moan to escape him.

"Brienne..." He felt her smile against his lips before she broke the kiss to bury her face in his neck.

"Jaime", she whispered and he felt a shiver running down his spine by the sound of this name, his name on her tongue. Steamy water before his inner eye. Jaime, my name is Jaime.

"Jaime, I- I love you too."

When his eyes found her face this time, she didn't avert her gaze.